I'm not getting back in that crab bucket!

Has anyone here heard of the Crab Bucket Syndrome?

Even when I was a child, we were always bouncing here and there. It wasn't because of military or any other respectable job, but because of multiple divorces and remarriages (let's move to another state so we can pretend for the neighbors that this is the same daddy you've had all along, and nobody will know the difference) or because there were unpaid bills. (let's move to another state, but you can't tell your friends here that we're moving, or the bill collectors will find us.)

Seven years ago, I escaped the bucket. When we'd moved all over the place before, it was largely the South or the Midwest. It never entered my mind to try the Pacific Northwest, but I met a man online, and he turned out to be my soulmate, and we got married. I've been living here ever since. It has been so peaceful and tranquil. For the first time, I'm living in a house we own, rather than renting month to month and having to get out if we can't cough up the money on time. I am still disabled, but I no longer need the government check. He has a steady career and isn't jumping from one minimum wage job to another with big gaps of unemployment in between. When I look out the window, I don't see garbage or graffiti or junked cars or broken down appliances. There are no constant police sirens through the night.

At first the crabs back in the South didn't think anything of it. I'd left before, but I had always come back when they promised to be more considerate of me. This time I didn't.

So when they saw that my life really had improved greatly, and I really had done the right thing by making this move, they got the idea that there was something about the Pacific Northwest that's better than where they were. It was all about just finding the right place to live. So, one by one, they all started following me out here. "Hey, crabs, she actually is happy and she's not coming back this time, so let's go out there where she is.... don't forget to bring the bucket!"

Well, guess what? No matter where you live, if you still have the same lifestyle, you're still going to have the same problems. I came out here to get away from the fighting and the drugs and all that other stuff. They don't seem to know it's chaos. They'll say, "Well, this is what family is all about. Families get loud. Families fight. They yell and scream and cuss and call each other names. They throw things at each other and slam doors and break things. As long as they kiss and make up in the end, everything's fine. We just have to love each other through it."

I'm all for "loving each other through it" if there IS a "through it." But this family doesn't get "through it." This family stays "in it." They think happiness and peace and enjoyment are just the tiny gasps of air you can manage to squeeze in before the next wave washes over you. Well, I've had enough distance between us in the meantime to know, it doesn't have to be that way. Let them gossip all they want about how my husband is isolating me (he isn't) and about how we have so much more than they do, but we won't share. The past two days have been nothing but drama and tension, and I'm having that old knot in my stomach feelings again. I am not going to live that way anymore. Get away from me with that crab bucket. I refuse to jump back in it.

That sounds amazing. Now if I could only find a woman online who has her own house and money so I can find my dream come true as well and leave the crab bucket I am in.

You know, that's the same thing they like to throw at me. "You just got lucky." Well, there must have been something positive about me that made him want to marry me.

We're not rich, by the way. He's a bus driver. Bus drivers don't get rich. But we pay bills with the money, instead of blowing it all on booze and drugs, and then complaining that the government doesn't give us enough.

LOL! too funny

well said, my friend well said! good for you, that's wonderful!

I suppose it's my fault for not being direct enough, but what I really want is discussion on, is that what a family really is? All the fussing and fighting and drama? Is it really true that I can either be surrounded by relatives, or have peace and tranquility in my life, but not both? Or is it possible to have a family that solves problems without fighting?

it's possible, but it doesn't seem like that is the case with your family.
i would guess that all families have "fights" or disagreements, but it's
not normal to have a way of life full of constant drama & irresponsibility.
i don't believe that any family out there is perfect, i know mine is not..but
they don't fight every single holiday, but sometimes they do..i enjoy being away from my family because their goals in life don't coincide with mine & i choose not to argue about my beliefs, goals vs. theirs. we can have civil discussions at times..but for me it's not often enough so i avoid.

NO NO NO that is not what a family is about!!!! My birth family was really bad, but I managed to create my own great family, you have done that so DON'T EVER GO BACK and I wouldn't let them near me. I finally got the courage to cut my abusive mother off, but it took me toooooo many years to do it. Hugs and congrats to you!!!

Yesterday, we asked my daughter to leave (the same one who had been fighting with her boyfriend the day before, which involved flinging coffee on each other) because she kept running her mouth at my husband and just had to make sure she got the last word in. I'm sorry (no I'm not) but you do not use foul language and flip the bird at someone in their OWN HOUSE. It was then discovered after they left that the boyfriend had forgotten his medication, and they had left the laundry they were doing. It's still in the laundry room. They just called to ask about it. Now, this is coming from boyfriend, not daughter, and she called for confirmation to help convince him it's ridiculous.... OF COURSE they are perfectly welcome to come and pick up what's theirs. No, don't be silly, we're not going to keep your things from you. No, you're not going to have to call the police to make us let you in to get what's yours. We are not that way. But boyfriend is acting all terrified. "Um, is there going to be any drama if we just come by and get our things, and leave again?" My answer, "Not unless you bring the drama."

Why is it, I've got the only husband in the family without a prison record, and HE is the bad guy everyone acts so afraid of?

LOL! strange world we live in...

I have moved 3k or so miles away from my birth family. going on what, 15 yrs? I have had sporadic contact with them but in the end I always cut them off again and stop talking. Best move I ever made. I moved for my wife at the time and although we're not together anymore I still do not regret getting away from them.

Not the drug addicted, irresponsible dysfunction with mine but no less dysfunctional and hurtful.

So many good things have come from breaking away, I'm so glad you got to do it!

*sprays crab repellent on her*

Their frame of reference is that of people that are irresponsible, and behave badly. IT is their assumption that people are bad and now they are faced with someone who doesn't share these traits, they have no idea how to handle it. This is not being sarcastic, but literal.

Thanks for the support.

What I think s4nd is saying: Of course, if I don't want them around, it HAS to be my husband telling me I can't associate with them, cutting me off from my family, because all husbands are controlling of their wives, right? That's the world they know.

Earlier this morning when my nephew (he lives with us now) was talking to his mother on the phone, her husband (not nephew's father) told her to hang up on him, and she did, which upset him terribly because his mother is choosing her convicted felon of a husband over her son. But it's MY husband who is controlling, not hers, because he doesn't want that known thief in our house, which is why brother-in-law is angry and didn't want sister talking to nephew.

Yes, my husband does put limits on who can come over. That's not without reason, since it seems every time we have visitors, something ends up disappearing. Not just my sister's husband, but other members of my family have stolen from us and are therefore no longer welcome here. But all this is because I "married money" and now think I'm too good for them. My husband is an uppity, rich, snob of a control freak who won't share his toys with the less fortunate. (Again I point out, he's a middle-class bus driver, but to them, I suppose, that looks like "money.") I allow it because I've forgotten where I came from, and I don't remember what it's like to be in their situation, where I'm just so poor I don't know where my next bite of food is coming from. To that last one--oh, yes I do! I remember it all too well. That's why I won't go back to it!

I realize I'm not any better than they are, in the sense that I too am a recovering alcoholic, but the emphasis is on the word "recovering." Right now, this moment, if the entire family were to be randomly tested for street drugs, who would test positive? Not me or my husband, for sure. My nephew isn't showing any signs of it either. Anybody else, including mother, siblings, daughters, or any of their significant others, I honestly think they would.

Oh, and thanks for the crab repellent. I hope it works.