[janesmith14]

As I've written several times on this page, my husband's mother passed away a year ago and it's been a struggle for me to understand his grief over the past year and some of the things he does. What seems to hurt the most, however, is how much more he thinks of his mother over everyone else. I'm used to him wearing the pin with her picture on it every day and kissing it when he takes it off and put it on, I'm used to the talking about how she's so much better than anyone else. We've decided to name our first baby (due in July) after her and I'm happy to do that. The baby has her first name for a first name and my middle name for her middle name. Last nite, I happened to notice my husband writing his his journal on his computer (he doesn't mind me reading his journal but I usually don't due to his privacy but I happened to glimpse at it) He was writing about my baby doc appt yesterday and he said that he knows the baby is a beautiful baby just like her beautiful Grandmother who she's named after, right before that he wrote two paragraphs about how wonderful his mother is. It hurts my feelings so much and yet I feel bad that it hurts my feelings. Whenever I talk with him about how I feel he just says I don't understand and names all the people in his family who understand what he's going through but me. What can I do to deal with this? Tomorrow will be ayear to the date of her death. Please help me if you have any advice!

[jadzea]

How did your husband treat his mother while she was alive? Did he talk about how wonderful she was then? Did he see her often? It almost sound to me that he is making her into a superwoman because she was not and he feels guilty about his true feelings.

I was very close to my father and was very sad when he died. I miss him like crazy and would give anythiing to have him back but I can't. After a year the loss should be easier to bear and he should be gettiing on with his life. He has fond memories of his mother which is good but he has to let the past go or he will have no future. Did he ever consider grief counseling?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by janesmith14

As I've written several times on this page, my husband's mother passed away a year ago and it's been a struggle for me to understand his grief over the past year and some of the things he does. What seems to hurt the most, however, is how much more he thinks of his mother over everyone else. I'm used to him wearing the pin with her picture on it every day and kissing it when he takes it off and put it on, I'm used to the talking about how she's so much better than anyone else. We've decided to name our first baby (due in July) after her and I'm happy to do that. The baby has her first name for a first name and my middle name for her middle name. Last nite, I happened to notice my husband writing his his journal on his computer (he doesn't mind me reading his journal but I usually don't due to his privacy but I happened to glimpse at it) He was writing about my baby doc appt yesterday and he said that he knows the baby is a beautiful baby just like her beautiful Grandmother who she's named after, right before that he wrote two paragraphs about how wonderful his mother is. It hurts my feelings so much and yet I feel bad that it hurts my feelings. Whenever I talk with him about how I feel he just says I don't understand and names all the people in his family who understand what he's going through but me. What can I do to deal with this? Tomorrow will be ayear to the date of her death. Please help me if you have any advice!

i wouldn't worry too much about it, it's his mother! not like it's some other woman he is obsessing about, everyone is different in how they deal with grief and how long it will take to get over a particular loss, you can't really put a time limit on grieving, please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like a lil jealousy because all the attention is not on you. i can understand how you could be a little hurt..sometimes we have to let go of our personal emotions and support the one we love in their time of need. think of it like this..that is the woman who brought him into this world & evidently she means a lot to him and he is having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that she is gone, he is not ready to let go yet.. if this is you guys' only problem you are doing great. i don't know your situation but consider this...

1. he's not abusing drugs
2. he's not a cheater
3. he's not abusing you
4. he's not a liar
5. he's not a thief
6. he's not gambling away the mortgage payment
7. he's not abusing alcohol

it sounds to me like you have a great husband who loves and respects his mother and is suffering right now & he is going to need your support, i'm just trying to be objective on the outside looking in, some people go off the deep end when they lose a parent and flip out and take it out on themselves and everyone around them, this doesn't appear to be the case. hope this helps & good luck, hang in there things will get better

[janesmith14]

Thanks to both of you for your responses. Tryingtosurvive, you are correct, my husband doesn't do any of those things you listed to deal with his grief. He's a preacher so he relies on God for his help. I guess I feel like he should turn to me for support but all I feel I do is just take care of his basic needs (cleaning, cooking,) and I don't feel that he feels I make an impact on his life like his mother did. I always feel like I'll never be as good as she is, and he will say that no one is as good as she is so that makes me feel bad as his wife. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion though but that's how I feel

[Otter63]

That would seriously irritate me. A smart husband knows better than to do that to his wife. I'm glad my husband's mother lives far away.

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[LaColibri]

I lost my father almost six years ago. I learned that grief doesn't have a timeline, nor is it predictable. All my friends and family kept in close contact for a couple of months after he died but I didn't truly feel his loss until a few months later. The experience taught me that our support systems need to be long term. I learned to be a better friend and sister because of it.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by janesmith14

Thanks to both of you for your responses. Tryingtosurvive, you are correct, my husband doesn't do any of those things you listed to deal with his grief. He's a preacher so he relies on God for his help. I guess I feel like he should turn to me for support but all I feel I do is just take care of his basic needs (cleaning, cooking,) and I don't feel that he feels I make an impact on his life like his mother did. I always feel like I'll never be as good as she is, and he will say that no one is as good as she is so that makes me feel bad as his wife. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion though but that's how I feel

give it some time, he'll come around. right now the wound is still fresh. a year is not really a long time, in time he will learn to lean on you. try not to give him a hard time about all this and he will appreciate that and love you even more. I do find it a little odd that he has his mother on a pedestal like that, but that's just me & in all fairness i have never been that close with my parents, so i'm no authority on how someone should revere their parents, but i can respect where he's coming from, hope this helps

I do agree you should give it some time, but I'm also concerned at the mother-idolatry he seems to be showing. Yes he may come around but I'm not about to write off your concerns as nothing either.

I understand grieving and I understand how it takes a long time to get over one of your parent's death. I'm not brushing this off.. I am however, concerned about how much he truly does paint her as a saint, or even a goddess. I mean really? She sounds like he is making her out to have done no wrong, is angelic in beauty... I'm sorry but I reserve such devotion for my wife, gf or significant other, not MY MOTHER. He almost sounds like he worships her, and is in love with her over you.

That he wants to name the child after her isn't out of the ordinary but that he states how he knows the child will be beautiful, like her, as opposed to you, the mother and his wife, is, quite frankly, weird.

Even kissing a pin with her picture is pretty much showing idolization of her image and borders on worship. Especially after a year, even if one is still grieving after a year, it should have somewhat calmed down by now.

Give it time but honestly, keep your eye on this. I can understand your feeling put off by this, it's very justified.

[hvert]

I think it would help if you separated this into two issues:

1. His grief over losing his mother seems excessive to you.
2. He doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated as his wife.

I can see why you would almost feel jealous that he seems to treat his dead mother more reverentially than you, but the way he handles his grief is separate from the way he treats you. Tell him that you wish he would do X or Y to show you that he cares about you, but just don't bring his mother into that conversation.

As soon as you compare yourself to his dead mother, he is just going to turn off and not listen to anything else.

[beechwood]

perhaps his mother championed him his whole life and he is missing her approval and guidance more than might be considered the norm but each person grieves in their own way.....go to the bookstore and browse some books on griefing the loss of a parent for some clues as to how he might be feeling and how you can help him through his loss......try to put your feelings on hold until you can figure out what is going on.....just assure him you love him and you are there for him.....beechwood

[ididwhat?]

Forgive me for not reading all the responses so far—I've only got a few minutes to post. I DO intend to read up, later, as I'm always up for new ways of looking at things.
For me... in my relationship with my mother and father, my love for my parents, for my mother... who died 6 years ago... exists on a different plane, if you will, than my other relationships. Same for my romantic partners. There is no room for competition between the two. They exist on different levels. Apples and oranges... in a way. They can't compete.