[bluebird14]

HI-THis is my first time posting so I am hoping I am doing this correctly. I am divorced with a preschool child. I have been dating my partner long distance who recently just got out of a divorce. He has 2 teenage boys. My partner has met my young song but I will be meeting his boys for the first time soon. He wants me to come visit while my son is away with my ex. I feel like I should go slow and sleep in the spare bedroom. He totally disagrees. We also had talked about a trip that I would bring my son on and all can meet and be fun for all, but I also wanted to stay in our own bedrooms as I just wanted to go slow. This upsets him and he said he feels unwanted and not first. I am just nervous about the teenagers accepting me.. and I also dont want to throw my young child in a room alone too.. even if it is adjoining rooms. He feels the boys understand what goes on behind closed doors so why hide it.. why pretend we are something we aren't. I didnt want to pretend we are just friends or anything but I also just feel nervous about the bedroom when they are just going to be told of me for the first time and then meet me. Who is right? Should I be OK and I am wrong to think the way I am?

[Mike_J]

There isn't a right way of doing this.

I'm dating a woman who hasn't met my teenage daughter yet, I want to take things VERY slowly because I remember how difficult it was for me as a teenager being introduced to the people my parents were dating.

I think that younger kids, and older ones are much easier than teenagers (or tweens) you only get one chance to make a first impression so make it count.

Good luck

[unaluna]

I would be very concerned with your preschooler's safety. This man seems a bit selfish. Why cant you take trips on your own, without the kids? I still remember, with regret, the time my husband forced me to use my diaphragm on a camping trip and i just started my period. I was so uncomfortable, plus it wasnt healthy or safe for me, but he only cared about himself. Its hard for me to accept that i aligned myself with such a selfish and inconsiderate person. Its taking a long time in therapy to understand why and not feel stupid about it.

Originally Posted by bluebird14

HI-THis is my first time posting so I am hoping I am doing this correctly. I am divorced with a preschool child. I have been dating my partner long distance who recently just got out of a divorce. He has 2 teenage boys. My partner has met my young song but I will be meeting his boys for the first time soon. He wants me to come visit while my son is away with my ex. I feel like I should go slow and sleep in the spare bedroom. He totally disagrees. We also had talked about a trip that I would bring my son on and all can meet and be fun for all, but I also wanted to stay in our own bedrooms as I just wanted to go slow. This upsets him and he said he feels unwanted and not first. I am just nervous about the teenagers accepting me.. and I also dont want to throw my young child in a room alone too.. even if it is adjoining rooms. He feels the boys understand what goes on behind closed doors so why hide it.. why pretend we are something we aren't. I didnt want to pretend we are just friends or anything but I also just feel nervous about the bedroom when they are just going to be told of me for the first time and then meet me. Who is right? Should I be OK and I am wrong to think the way I am?

On soemthing like this, I completely am with you about on it. Thing is there is a right or wrong but it depends on the people involved. If you're not comfortable with it, then that is important regardless of his attitude. He should not be pressuring you to sleep in his room if you're not ready for it, period. That's how it should be.

Again, I'm not saying it would be wrong to do so but if it is wrong for you then you need to take a stance on that and be firm, he needs to respect that from you.

I'm not exactly sure this guy is right if that's how he's going to act with you so quickly... and expect you to sleep with him in light of having the children just meet you, and being that he's recently divorced, he sounds quite in a rush to get you in the bedroom with him.

A good partner will go out of his way to accomodate you, not push his own needs on you... Love is sacrificial and giving, not demanding and controlling.

[bluebird14]

Thank you.. these comments help alot. I also had expressed im nervous about putting my 5 year old in a room with 2 boys he doesnt even know..He had also said he feels you just throw the kids in a room and let them figure out and the adjoining door is right there.. I just disagreed. And thing is we DO have our own trip planned 2 weeks prior. alone for 3 days. He said he felt unwanted and dictated to.. I said i feel the kids come first in this situation as this is first meeting of everyone together.. that opened a whole can of worms as he said he feels the kids DONT come first.. that comment has really effected me and still does. I get you need to make a partner a priority but this is first time family coming together.. Im so torn. I need to bring it up again as need to book trip.. Thank you for all the feedback.

[hvert]

I agree with you that it would be better to take things slow in terms of meeting the kids. Sure, the kids are aware in an abstract sense of what goes on behind closed doors, but they probably don't want to be confronted with it the moment they meet you. And what happens in the morning?

The fact that he's pressuring you about this may be a red flag.

[Rose76]

Bluebird - What's right is him respecting your feelings and being cooperative with you doing what feels right for you in the early stages of this relationship.

So he says he feels "unwanted and not first." Well, when children are involved, he isn't first, and he needs to grow up about that. We may be getting a little insight into why his last marriage didn't work out. There is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with how you would like to do these initial meetings. A mature guy would say, "Whatever makes you feel comfortable." Don't let this guy pressure you into what makes you feel uncomfortable. This is a test, make no mistake about it. Now is the time to set the precedent that you will not be pushed into things. Your reasons are very sound.

You show maturity to be concerned about his kids. What is even more important is what you feel is right for your child. Whatever you do about his kids, be sure you stick to your guns about your own child. If he beats you down on this, then he will go on to assert his desire over your child's welfare on other things. The smartest thing you can do is set the right precedent from the get go.

Before you go seeing yourself having a future with this guy, you need to see just how how he will behave toward your son. Him meeting your son once does not give you enough information. TBH, it really is too soon for you to be considering him as your "partner." He has yet to prove himself worthy of that. He's not off to a good start.

[healingme4me]

If you're both not on same page, deferment needs to go, in conservative direction.
If you are uncomfortable, man up and respect that.

How long has relationship been?

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[waiting4]

I totally agree with Rose76 and that comment in your post jumped out at me.

With kids in the equation, what makes him think he's going to EVER be first???

He sounds like an immature jerk. Sorry. You're right.

And he's wrong on so many levels.

[bluebird14]

Thank you everyone. I spoke to him tonight and tried to express how I felt that out of respect for the kids I really feel we need to take it slow and not just put it in their face.

Now this trip we were planning was in the fall but this summer my son sees his dad for 2 weeks so I mentioned how about I come out and meet the boys... I said i can take off a week and during the week u don't have the boys so we can have our time but the 2 days you will have them I want to stay in the guest room.

Our talk on the phone was going great up until this point tonight. Then he got quiet and told me I am asking him to lie in front of his kids . I said I don't think of it like that.. I said I am very nervous meeting the boys to begin with. Here you guys just got divorced.. granted you been separated for a year but they don't know about me and here they are going to just magically find out about me and see me in bed with you - the bed their mother just was in. I said I am nervous how it may go down emotionally. It may go fine, but inside I struggle with it and i personally am so nervous and would just feel more comfortable this way.

He said I am reading into this and I should just let things happen. I just don't feel its right and then I asked.. when are u even going to tell the kids about me and how are you going to tell them? He had no answer. I said I am not asking you to pretend I am not your girlfriend but I am saying out of respect lets take it slower and not put so much out there..He said they are not stupid they know what goes on. I said.. well lets teach them that it doesn't have to happen so early. he said no you are asking me to lie and that doesn't set well with me.

Then it got all quiet on the phone and I asked him why he is not talking and he said hes processing this he said he had to go and that was that.

Maybe I am reading into it, but yes I do worry coming out of the bedroom in the morning to these 14 year old boys. I want to feel inside that I am being respectful of their feelings. Will it confuse them more if eventually as time goes on I go into the bedroom vs right off the start? I dont know.. I doubt it.. I guess u tell the kids its getting more serious at that point.

Oh I also said to him that out of respect for your ex too I would think this whole transition would go better too if she new i was in the other room vs with you while her boys were home.. not that it matters what she thinks but still the div was just final a month ago.

but yes its a big flag .. ugh

[bluebird14]

Oh forgot to write.. we have been talking for little over a year.. hes been legally separated... and yes he said he feels kids do not come first because eventually the kids grow up and if you never make your partner a priority then when kids leave what do you have left if you both didn't make time for each other.

[hvert]

This guy sounds incredibly insensitive to everyone else's needs: yours, your kids, and his kids. He wants to throw your five year old in a room with two teenagers right off the bat? To have his kids meet you for the first time when you spend the night? And his response when you suggest an alternative is to tell you that you are trying to make him lie and get off the phone?

You can't go wrong trusting your gut on this one. I'm glad you aren't letting him bully you.

Originally Posted by bluebird14

Thank you everyone. I spoke to him tonight and tried to express how I felt that out of respect for the kids I really feel we need to take it slow and not just put it in their face.

Now this trip we were planning was in the fall but this summer my son sees his dad for 2 weeks so I mentioned how about I come out and meet the boys... I said i can take off a week and during the week u don't have the boys so we can have our time but the 2 days you will have them I want to stay in the guest room.

Our talk on the phone was going great up until this point tonight. Then he got quiet and told me I am asking him to lie in front of his kids . I said I don't think of it like that.. I said I am very nervous meeting the boys to begin with. Here you guys just got divorced.. granted you been separated for a year but they don't know about me and here they are going to just magically find out about me and see me in bed with you - the bed their mother just was in. I said I am nervous how it may go down emotionally. It may go fine, but inside I struggle with it and i personally am so nervous and would just feel more comfortable this way.

He said I am reading into this and I should just let things happen. I just don't feel its right and then I asked.. when are u even going to tell the kids about me and how are you going to tell them? He had no answer. I said I am not asking you to pretend I am not your girlfriend but I am saying out of respect lets take it slower and not put so much out there..He said they are not stupid they know what goes on. I said.. well lets teach them that it doesn't have to happen so early. he said no you are asking me to lie and that doesn't set well with me.

Then it got all quiet on the phone and I asked him why he is not talking and he said hes processing this he said he had to go and that was that.

Maybe I am reading into it, but yes I do worry coming out of the bedroom in the morning to these 14 year old boys. I want to feel inside that I am being respectful of their feelings. Will it confuse them more if eventually as time goes on I go into the bedroom vs right off the start? I dont know.. I doubt it.. I guess u tell the kids its getting more serious at that point.

Oh I also said to him that out of respect for your ex too I would think this whole transition would go better too if she new i was in the other room vs with you while her boys were home.. not that it matters what she thinks but still the div was just final a month ago.

but yes its a big flag .. ugh

You're not reading into it. trust your gut on this one.

First what I see is he's manipulative, I mean really? you're trying to make him lie by being respectable and not sleeping with him the first time they meet you? I think not. He used those strong words but knows you're not asking him to lie. No being that he's one with teenage kids he knows what you mean and that is taking it slow and being respectful of letting the kids become comfortable with the whole thing first. No one in their right mind would not understand what you're saying. They may not like it, they may not agree with it but trust me he knows why... but.. he's in a hurry it seems.

He's very insistent on having things his way and not very respectful on so many levels. I see a lot of signs of a guy that's going to want you to do things his ways down the road and quite controlling. He doesn't respect you and your wishes at all, he's argumentative about it and standoffish. he's not respectful of his own children's needs and mind you thinking of them and how they will take this is NOT necessarily putting them first or above your relationship it's caring for your children as you should. If he's not respectful of kids needs that are his own how much less will he be for a child that is not his own? something to think about.

Would it confuse them more if the 'coming out of the bedroom' came later? NO, not at all, it would make more sense because we want to teach our children that relationships matter first, and not rush into sex. what is it teaching kids to rush into it in front of them anyway? What if you did that and it doesn't work out?

In so many ways I hope you keep it slow at best with this guy. He does not sound like he's ready for a relationship at all.

[bluebird14]

Thank you.. this really puts what I am feeling inside into more perspective. I also worry about the controlling aspect as yes that feeling has been put into my head through the way this is playing out.

[Perna]

I agree the teenage boys might be okay but I'm with you about not wanting your preschool child alone in a strange situation. Maybe compromise by staying in the same bedroom at his house (his children he gets to say how they might be) but you and your son having a separate room on the vacation? Promise him some time alone on vacation after your son and his are asleep? (maybe get a "house"/suite instead of just hotel rooms).

[bluebird14]

something else i just thought of.. Do I even bring it up to him tonight? He was the one who ended our talk last night..and even now if he just agrees with me.. I guess from what im hearing and my gut is telling me too..the words and first reaction really put up a flag and if he says something like.. ok I dont like it but I'll go with what you want.. Is this a huge flag that I may have issues in future?

[bluebird14]

Originally Posted by Perna

I agree the teenage boys might be okay but I'm with you about not wanting your preschool child alone in a strange situation. Maybe compromise by staying in the same bedroom at his house (his children he gets to say how they might be) but you and your son having a separate room on the vacation? Promise him some time alone on vacation after your son and his are asleep? (maybe get a "house"/suite instead of just hotel rooms).

Not a horrible compromise as long as it doesnt look like im giving it against what i feel is best for kids and situation.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by bluebird14

Oh forgot to write.. we have been talking for little over a year.. hes been legally separated... and yes he said he feels kids do not come first because eventually the kids grow up and if you never make your partner a priority then when kids leave what do you have left if you both didn't make time for each other.

I hear his point. I also read where he said, he'll respect your wishes, to me, no red flags.

I've been told, by my dad, eventually, the kids grow and I deserve my own happiness. I'd already been intimate with my ldr bf without kids around. When he came to visit, sharing my bed, felt appropriate, even his meeting my kids first time. I didn't exactly have space, to ship him to the floor in living room, nor did having him rent a hotel seem feasible. My kids don't seem harmed by this. My kids entertain the idea of a secondary male role model, in their lives. 8year old son, posed marriage question and 'ewwed' at kissing, in jovial manner. But that was mutually agreeable to everyone.

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[bluebird14]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I hear his point. I also read where he said, he'll respect your wishes, to me, no red flags.

I've been told, by my dad, eventually, the kids grow and I deserve my own happiness. I'd already been intimate with my ldr bf without kids around. When he came to visit, sharing my bed, felt appropriate, even his meeting my kids first time. I didn't exactly have space, to ship him to the floor in living room, nor did having him rent a hotel seem feasible. My kids don't seem harmed by this. My kids entertain the idea of a secondary male role model, in their lives. 8year old son, posed marriage question and 'ewwed' at kissing, in jovial manner. But that was mutually agreeable to everyone.

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He hasnt said yet that I respect your wishes..I am hoping that is what he will say when we speak next.. Do you think that your kids being young and his older make any difference or no?

[Rose76]

All this stuff about you forcing him to lie is just slick manipulativeness. It's just him making a cagey countermove to block you. Here is the big mistake you are making: You are trying to convince him to look at this as you do. You are trying to argue him into letting you do what you would like to do. Meanwhile, he is having a fit that everything over the time you are at his place won't go as he wants it. So he does the silent treatment on the phone with you. He was "processing" things? Baloney. He was processing how he can gain the upper hand. He was sulking. He sees this as a war of wills, and that is an indication of what kind of a relationship you can expect with him.

It's not like he is going to be deprived of sex for the whole visit. You just want to do this on 2 of the days of the week. That's not asking too much, regardless of what your reason is. Your reasons, by the way, are very sound and good.

I happen to agree with the idea that, in a marriage, there is a sense in which the couple do put each other on a higher plane than they put children. As he says, the couple are committed to each other for a shared lifetime, while kids eventually go their way. However, he is getting way ahead of himself. He's not your husband yet. If he wants you to behave like a wife, he's got a ways to go. First he has to convince you that he is worthy of having you as a wife. Then he has to make the big commitment. Right now, he is just a guy you have been dating. You are being complicit in elevating this relationship to a status it has not reached yet.

Here's another thing that just popped into my head. Maybe he is kind of looking forward to those two boys going back to their mother saying that you were in the bed with him. He would not be the first divorced guy to get a kick out of that. You do not need to be used as a means for him getting a little revenge on his ex.

Don't get talking with him about the trip in the future where you have your son there. Just focus on this meeting coming up. Tell him that, silly as it may sound, you feel you need to do this in the way that you've suggested. Let him save some face by telling him that it would mean a lot to you, if he could accommodate you on this. Then tell him you want him to think about it. Then quickly get off the phone. Then don't call him; let him call you. Don't argue, but don't give in. This guy sounds very controlling. Set a good precedent that you will not be pushed into something that you should not be pushed into. If he makes this a "deal breaker," then ask yourself if you seriously need this guy. Long distance relationships can seem better than they are because they don't get tested enough.

Don't try to keep reanalyzing what would be, or wouldn't be, "confusing" to the kids. Your original analysis is perfectly fine. Until you spend some time with them, you have no way of knowing where these kids' heads are at. So you want to be cautious. There is no reason in the world for him to refuse to respect that.

[bluebird14]

Originally Posted by Rose76

All this stuff about you forcing him to lie is just slick manipulativeness. It's just him making a cagey countermove to block you. Here is the big mistake you are making: You are trying to convince him to look at this as you do. You are trying to argue him into letting you do what you would like to do. Meanwhile, he is having a fit that everything over the time you are at his place won't go as he wants it. So he does the silent treatment on the phone with you. He was "processing" things? Baloney. He was processing how he can gain the upper hand. He was sulking. He sees this as a war of wills, and that is an indication of what kind of a relationship you can expect with him.

It's not like he is going to be deprived of sex for the whole visit. You just want to do this on 2 of the days of the week. That's not asking too much, regardless of what your reason is. Your reasons, by the way, are very sound and good.

I happen to agree with the idea that, in a marriage, there is a sense in which the couple do put each other on a higher plane than they put children. As he says, the couple are committed to each other for a shared lifetime, while kids eventually go their way. However, he is getting way ahead of himself. He's not your husband yet. If he wants you to behave like a wife, he's got a ways to go. First he has to convince you that he is worthy of having you as a wife. Then he has to make the big commitment. Right now, he is just a guy you have been dating. You are being complicit in elevating this relationship to a status it has not reached yet.

Here's another thing that just popped into my head. Maybe he is kind of looking forward to those two boys going back to their mother saying that you were in the bed with him. He would not be the first divorced guy to get a kick out of that. You do not need to be used as a means for him getting a little revenge on his ex.

Don't get talking with him about the trip in the future where you have your son there. Just focus on this meeting coming up. Tell him that, silly as it may sound, you feel you need to do this in the way that you've suggested. Let him save some face by telling him that it would mean a lot to you, if he could accommodate you on this. Then tell him you want him to think about it. Then quickly get off the phone. Then don't call him; let him call you. Don't argue, but don't give in. This guy sounds very controlling. Set a good precedent that you will not be pushed into something that you should not be pushed into. If he makes this a "deal breaker," then ask yourself if you seriously need this guy. Long distance relationships can seem better than they are because they don't get tested enough.

Don't try to keep reanalyzing what would be, or wouldn't be, "confusing" to the kids. Your original analysis is perfectly fine. Until you spend some time with them, you have no way of knowing where these kids' heads are at. So you want to be cautious. There is no reason in the world for him to refuse to respect that.

Very great advice thank you!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by bluebird14

He hasnt said yet that I respect your wishes..I am hoping that is what he will say when we speak next.. Do you think that your kids being young and his older make any difference or no?

I think, in my case, two of my three have faint recollections, in any of my marriage, to their father. This is first man, I've ever introduced to them, much less dated post divorce. It will be four years, in June. My so/bf and I discussed, in detail, how to approach this. Where relocating is being discussed, one direction or the other, my circumstances, my children can appreciate, this is very serious.

I mistook, his agreeing to not share a bed, as respecting your wishes. A little less Hemming and hawing, would be nice. Then again, it's a discussion between both of you, noone here in PC has be privy to overhearing.

I don't have teens, the way my boys are turning out, I'm certain if they were, we'd discuss it ahead of time, same way i did before my so/bf's arrival,,last visit. I'd asked if it would make them uncomfortable. No, was unanimous.

It's a big step.

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[waiting4]

Originally Posted by bluebird14

Very great advice thank you!

Again, I must emphatically agree with Rose76. He is being totally manipulative, and I'll explain how:

First, instead of just disagreeing with you, he puts you on the defensive by accusing you of 'making him lie'. That's total nonscense, but it IS a good way of redirecting your initial and understandable concern, into something he could manipulate i.e. if you're all off busy trying to prove (by argument) that you're not making him lie, you lose the focus of what your concern was in the first place.

The comment that kids don't come first blah blah blah, was another manipulative trick using just a bit of common sense and logic but not offering the entire picture..only the fraction that is important to what he wanted. Yes, children leave the nest, but until then they ARE FIRST...period.....the whole picture is this: Parents make time for each other, as much as possible as they raise their children, then when the kids leave the nest, they can focus moreso on themselves and their togetherness.....but even then, children are not cast aside because they aren't around. BTW....that's why parenting is WORK....rather than the temporary situation you bf seems to think they are.

Since that didn't work, right away....he went silent. That was to give you the opportunity to admit you were wrong, or offer a compromise he could reject (but it would show him you were wavering..giving him back control)...and rose was right. He was thinking of the next move...which was ending the conversation when you didn't respond the way he was directing.

It's an old trick....distract, attack, control. My ex who is NPD was master of it, and I ended up giving in so many times, by the end of the relationship it was like I'd been caught up in a tornado. Rereading messages and emails astonished me on the number of things he made me believe, and how he twisted reality to fit his needs.

What you should do, is what you're doing. Stand your ground, don't give in, period...if you have to verbally say it over and over, repeat the reason for your concerns and DON'T let him distract you with attacks to confuse you. Create boundries now.

One of two things will happen...he'll either respect you and your opinions, whether he likes them or not, or in frustration he'll dump you and look for someone more easily controlled.....and while that sounds harsh, trust me....it's better to be dumped than controlled like that.

I wish you well

[bluebird14]

Im sooo glad I found this user group..

[bluebird14]

Do I even bring it back up to him when we talk next? He has sent texts like nothing is wrong but nothing on the topic.