confused about ex. And I have a boyfriend (long)

I had a pretty great boyfriend a few years ago. I had JUST gotten out of a long and awful relationship and we were friends. We jumped into a relationship. We had a lot in common. We were both shy, but easily opened up to each other. He treated me like gold. He was unlike any man I know-very sensitive, caring, and considerate. He was always doing little things to show his love. He made me feel like a princess. But soon I started to feel smothered. I had never really been single, and we had gotten serious very fast. (we were in our early twenties-my previous relationship lasted from when I was 15-21). He had been single for over a year before we got together.
I ended up breaking his heart after two years. I wanted freedom, as I had never been on my own. He started to get jealous and insecure when I started to spend more time with friends. His jealousy and insecurity pushed me away even more. I tried to force myself to be happy with him, since he was such a good, honest, and kind person. I felt horrible for hurting him, but I ended it. He was depressed for months. I felt very guilty for awhile, but moved on. He moved away, and we didn't speak for years.
In the meantime, I was single for 2 years. Have now been in a relationship for 3 years now, with a guy who makes me happy most of the time. When it's good, it's really good, but when we fight it's horrible. He is sometimes very self centered and inconsiderate. He was supposed to come stay with me this weekend (we live an hour apart) and go to a family party, but didn't show up. He does this every now and then. Says he will be somewhere then doesn't show up. No call, no text. I freak out and obsessively call him. He ignores my calls, or answers and talks for 30 seconds then hangs up on me. It is usually due to him being out with friends and things getting out of hand. Anyway, I finally spoke to him and we got in a huge fight. I went out with friends and ran into my ex.
My ex was in town because his dad just passed away. They were very close and he has no siblings. His mom left when he was very young. When I saw him, I immediately went to say hi and give condolences. We ended up talking for hours. It was really really nice. We had fun. Nothing inappropriate happened at all, we were just like old friends. Our relationship came up in the conversation, and I apologized for hurting him years ago. I told him that he was a great person and deserved happiness, I just wasn't ready at the time. He said it's fine.
The next day I texted him to say it was good seeing him and I hope we can be friends. He agreed. We had some light, casual conversation, when out of nowhere he said he is still in love with me, that he hasn't had a real relationship since me because no one compares to me, that I completely broke his heart and he hasn't been the same since. He said he doesn't think he can be my friend because knowing I have a boyfriend kills him. He said he thought he was ok, that he only thinks of me occasionally, but seeing me brought back memories and feelings. I apologized for causing him pain, but said I only want him to be happy, and if that means we can't be friends, then ok. We both apologized, and ended the conversation. That was a few days ago. Immediately after the conversation, I felt very guilty. I felt sick for causing him so much pain. But I did not feel the same toward him.
I'm wondering if he is only feeling this way because he is so sad over the loss of his dad, and I just felt familiar.
I never really regretted breaking up with him until now. I'm thinking about what a good person he is, and how much we have in common. We had fun together. I keep beating myself up for having needed space all those years ago. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to have been unhappy with such a great person. I feel very very guilty for hurting him so much. I have been feeling sick to my stomach and crying over this for the last couple days. I've been comparing my boyfriend to him, and thinking about how much better my ex was than my current boyfriend, which also makes me feel guilty. For years I haven't felt this way, so I'm also wondering if my feelings are just confused. When I heard that his dad had passed, I felt sick to my stomach I felt so bad for my ex. He is very sensitive and I know he must be hurting a lot right now. I'm not going to say anything else to him. I know he must be hurting a lot right now, and I don't want to cause him anymore pain.
Why all of a sudden do I feel like I want him back??

Hi, babygirl123456, and welcome to Psych Central! I'm not sure why you want him back, but a couple of things come to mind: 1) You are not happy with your current boyfriend and are comparing him with this former boyfriend, remembering the goof things about him and/or 2) As you say, you are feeling guilty about hurting him, and you want to make it up to him.

That said, I'm sure you are sad he got hurt when you broke up with him, but it sounds like you had a good reason to do it. You were not ready for marriage or even such an intense relationship. You are young, and you do have time to keep searching for the right guy. It would not have been fair to him or to you if you had forced yourself to stay in a relationship you felt smothered by.

I think you need to calm down and think about it all. DO you still have feelings for your ex? Put aside all the guilt and sadness for him, we both know that's not a good basis for a relationship. Do you still love him? Or do you think that you shouldn't be in a relationship with him cause you DON'T love him?

As for your current bf, I think he has his own issues. He doesn't seem to care for you very much, but of course, that's only from what I see in this post. You yourself know better. Do you love him? Or do you still have feelings for your ex?

If you have feelings for both guys, I suggest you start working on that "indecisiveness" asap, it's not fair to either of them nor you. Remember, just cause your ex was a great guy, doesn't mean you HAVE to be with him. You're still young, and if you don't love him, tell him the truth. That's also a form of respect to him, and it's not fair for you to lead him on if you get with him. You're doing the right thing. I assure you.

I also felt the same way last time about a great guy I dated. I wasn't ready either and I cut him off before it got messy.

I don't think what's happening is that abnormal -- you are in a kind of unhappy situation with your current boyfriend which makes your nice ex seem more appealing.

It can be really, really hard to dump someone who is 'too nice.' Sometimes people look really good on paper or as friends, but there's just not enough chemistry or whatever to keep a romantic relationship alive.

Smothering, jealousy, and the inability to let go of the relationship after all these years --- you had good reasons for ending that relationship. You may have good reasons to end your current relationship as well, but unless you are madly in love with this guy and have often thought about how sorry you were to break things off with him, I woudn't go back to him.

It would seem rash to bounce back and forth between relationships. Yes, he just lost his father and right now, he's in a vulnerable position. If it were me, I'd give that thought a good years amount of space. Right now, seems like addressing the current relationship is priority #1. That was inconsiderate to blow off this weekend, like he did. If he cannot handle confrontation, which not telling you ahead of time about not making it, displays, then that leaves me wondering about his overall character.