What role do I play in my negative issues with friends?

Hello everyone - it's not often that I post but I've had a situation today with friends and I've been ruminating on it eversince (for over six hours now).

I recently shared with them an experience that I had with a former supervisor. In addition, we have people that we know in common that have also had issues with this same supervisor. The two friends of mine want to write a letter or say something to the former supervisor - which scares me. I told them that I didn't want them to do that, and that I see it as only adding fuel to the fire and escalating the problem. My one friend didn't see the big deal because it's not like I see the supervisor - but I do see her in many different areas of my life (out and about, on town, mutual acquaintences, etc).

My other friend then asked me how would I handle it if I were overcharged in a restaurant - would I say something? And then the first friend then asked me if I would say something to someone if they had a problem (e.g., said it was sticking up for them). I told the one friend that I would talk to the server about being overcharged, and that I would go to management.

I didn't get a chance to say that I feel as if the restaurant analogy is not the same. If we were to keep the analogy, it would be me talking to the server or manager about an overcharge and going back and sharing with my two friends what I just had to deal with (venting the frustration to hopefully an empathic ear) and then they go and get on to the server or supervisor in addition and only re-ignite that fire. As far as sticking up for the one friend, I would feel as if that is his issue that he needs to deal with. I can offer him emotional support, but I can't do for him what he needs to be doing. I'm not friends with the other person and I'm not involved.

The one friend kept asking more questions (about assertiveness - which I can be when I want to be, and when I think about the future consequences) - but I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't focus and kept having her to repeat - to which she then get mad and said she was tired of having to repeat herself when it wasn't that loud out, she's speaking clearly, and I can hear her. When I told the other friend that I would not say something to someone else if I saw them in the grocery store (hey, I didn't like how you treated my friend) he said, "Oh.... ok. I see how it is."

I've been so angry and just replaying the whole scenario over and over in my head. These two relationships are not the only relationships that I've had a situation like this happen in. I had troubles with someone else years ago when I was so upset about something was telling my mother when she became very angry (and it made it seem like it was my fault) and was yelling, "I'm going to go tell her..." and did end up going to give the other person a piece of her mad. Despite the fact that I told her no, I wanted to handle it, please don't do anything. I had another friend that told an embarassing story of mine to which I yelled "NO! No!" very loudly and seriously, and she just kept laughing and said, "Oh! I'm telling it!" and then did right in front of me!

If anyone reading this can tell me what my role in getting these reactions from people are, please let me know so I can avoid this in the future! I'm very very very tired of being put in such uncomfortable positions! Is there a term or something I could research into?

Anything would be appreciated!

it sounds like you are telling the wrong people things you don't want told!
i would suggest bringing personal issues up here only for awhile till you find someone you can really trust in person to stop spilling the beans IMHO
hope this helps

So if I understand this correctly, you had a problem with a supervisor, as did a few other people, and now someone else entirely wants to write a letter of complaint on behalf of all of you?

I agree with the poster above. This is them, not you. I've run into situations like that before and there seems to be a sort of 'type' that does that kind of thing. I would try to figure out how you can identify those types and maybe keep them a bit distant.

It could also be that you are giving off an air of someone who needs to be rescued because you are scared/shy/fill in the blank, but I really think this has more to do with the people you are surrounding yourself with. I hope they just drop the letter.

Hi! Yes - I do have a hard time knowing when to trust someone and when not to trust someone... how can you know when you can when you can't? The two people that I had an issue with were my closest and best friends unfortunately... and they are the healthiest relationships I've ever had.

You understand it correctly! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has been in this situation before... is there a way to label this 'type'? Is it some Cluster B personality trait (Borderline, Narcissistic, etc)? I'm going to look for commonalities in these different 'types' and commonalities that I've done in relationships with them - and hopefully will develop some insight into what is going on.

I kind of lean towards labeling them narcissists, but I am not sure that's quite right.

I just had someone do this to me a few weeks ago and found it maddening as well. We were at an event hosted by an organization I was thinking of joining (but not definite on it). I mentioned this to my acquaintance and she dragged me over to the president of the organization (who she did not know) and said I wanted to be a member, interrupting a conversation that person was having with a group of people. It was mortifying.

The person who did it to me likes to hear herself talk and is generous to a fault (to a martyr extent). She is also very extroverted and says whatever is on her mind as soon as it pops into her head.

it takes time to really get to know if you can trust people, these two failed the test..until you really know you can trust people, you do have to watch what you say around them, it takes years to build trust and only matter of minutes to destroy it..don't trust anyone until they prove themselves trustworthy