[anna_goth27]

I am going to try and make it short.

So at my old job I became really close to one of my coworkers. She tried to help me become a better person and, although we never hung out outside of work, I still cared for her and considered her a friend.

Of course me being me, I made mistakes and made her question if I really did care or if I was trying to keep a veil over her eyes. I did alot of chqnges to myself and my life based on her advice and I actually am very thankful for all of it. Unfortunately it seems that some of those changes made her feel that I was finally revealing ny "true self" and that I was really this other person and she began to question everything I did and whether my intentions were true or if I just enjoyed having people think i was this pathetic awkward and anxious girl (which I wish I could control but obviously cant). She started to say that she knew there was no way anyone could be that nice and helpful all the time and that I had some hidden intentions (eventhough I admitted more than once that I wouldnt want her gone because I wouldnt be able to work without her). Needless to say, in the past year our relationship began to unravel because shs thought my weaknesses were more important and told more of my character than all the times I showed kindness and friendship, even if it cost me a little bit of comfort or happiness.

Well everything went to crap once my job decided to terminate both our jobs, but two of my bosses came ba k and offered me the choice of two other jobs. She took it hard but reassured me I shouldnt feel bad about her because it probably meant it wasnt meant for her. Now the issue was, previous to the layoffs I was briefed about what was going to happen but told not to let her know. This happened a day before we got our letters. I didnt tell her which kept our relationahip fine (as fine as it could be given the circumstances). But a few days later in a moment of weakness I let it slip that I was told from the day before and thats when it hit the fan. She began to bring up what I consodered ancient history saying from back then I was out to get people (which is completely off mark because I had acted in that situation with all of us INNOCENTS in mind). She then threw in my face that everything I ever expressed about caring about her and her family was a lie because had I really cared I wouldve told her something about the layoff before I found out. Truth be told though, the main reason why I didnt say anything was because she reacted exactly as I was expectong from the bwgining. I was afraid because I knew she would blame me. And I was also devastated and felt a bit guilty that there was nothing for her. And of course that led to her deleting me off her FB which to a person with such low self esteem as myself felt was a direct attack at me, and so I reacted rashly and sent her a message expressing my hurt at her being petty and told her I was sad to see that she had made it up in her mind I was such a horrible person when I never meant to do anything to hurt her. I immediately regretted sending it and apologized for it the next time I saw her telling her I had been outline. After yelling at me she insisted she wasnt angry with me and that she didnt regret doing what she did for me but that now she learbt a valuable lesson and that she was not going to allow me to take advantage of her again. And that she was cutting me out of her life. That she doesnt care about me anymore.

The problem is thiugh, I cant stop caring about her. Although she said things that hurt me and she did at times made me feel like I didnt measire up, I still care and I still valued our friendship. I really wish I didnt though. Previous to the final break I had wished I didnt care as mich as I did because I knew she was starting to see me in a negative light and I felt judged unjustly, because she was one of the only people I was ever completely openly honest with. Sometimes I wonder if I was too much. It had been a month since I had seen her and last time when we said goodbye she wasnt interested. And then today I saw her again and against my better judgement I decided to approach her and her family and say hi. And she was so cold. She simply said hi, and when I asked her how she was she proceeded to walk away with hwr huaband. Her daughter gave me a big smile, but didnt indulge me either since I am guessing under her mother's orders she ia not supposed to speak to me (I noticed this a while before her last day of work. Her daughter acted out of character and spoke to me only when her mom wasnt around. Even told me not to let her mom know she was upstairs with me). Seeing her still act like that hurt me. It ruined the rest of the day for me. I hate that this is affecting me this much, but I kinda looked up to her. I wanted to be more like her, but now she doesnt even want to hear from me. This was my firat time trying to make contact since over a month, and it blew up in my face. I feel so gutted and I wish I didnt.

How do you cope when friendships go sour? How do you guys cope with an unfair amount of guilt put on you?

Sent from my GT-I9500 using Tapatalk

[waiting4]

I read your whole post and although I feel bad for you, I do have a question: Can you answer for yourself WHY you felt it necessary to tell her that you knew about the lay-offs before they actually happened? And did you also share with her that you knew you'd be staying on, while she would not? What was to be gained by telling her this information?

I understand about feeling open and honest with a person, but along with that comes much responsibility. You said in your post you 'knew' she would react that way....so I'm a little confused about why you would go ahead and tell her. I believe there is a reason you did, and buried in your guilt is the answer.

Again, I'm sorry for your hurt feelings, but honestly, I can see where she was coming from with the reaction....and that is completely negating anything previous where you said she seemed not to trust your intentions anymore. Add to that, you felt you were friends, and her upset is totally understandable. This recession has hurt a lot of people and has been catastrophic for families across the country. The realization you knew she was going to be layed off (while you were not) and felt the need to TELL her about it ( not that you didn't tell her....that you DID, is the biggest humiliation, although I don't think you see that yet) must have hurt her very deeply.

I suggest you just move on, and let her go. For both of your sakes. Btw....please don't compound the error by telling her at some later date that you were talking to her daughter behind her back. That would serve no good purpose and would only hurt the daughter, whom you profess to like. Just a heads up, as you must have missed the last one.

Take care.

[anna_goth27]

First off, no I would never tell her her daughter was talking to me. I knew wherr she was at that point and it would be unfair for me to bring up something like that. That girl doesnt deserve it and plus, by the girl's reaction when she saw me I am guessing her mother chose not to poison her mind against me since she knew had a relationahip, which is decent of her.

Now to your question. Honestly I understand her reaction 110%. I would probably feel the same way she does, only difference being I like to acomodate people to much and not have them mad at me so I probably wouldnt act the way she does, but I totally understand and respect the that. Howeever that doesnt make my hurt feelings any different as you understand.

And I honestly cant say why I said it. She had been prodding at me since the layoffs so I think she had a feeling I knew something beforehand because she kept asking that specifically and I kept saying no. I did share with her (after we got our letters) that I was being kept on (in a different capacity) because I didnt want her to find THAT out from someone else. In reality I regret deeply telling her I knew of the layoffs because as someone else also told me, that was my biggest mistake. I shouldve just kept up the charade because she wouldnt have been non-the wiser. I told her in a moment of weakness, my feelings and anxiety were eating me alive by that point and something had happened at work that made me very umcomfortable and upset. At that moment while she tried to get me to look at the situation from all sides to calm doqn she asked me again if I knew beforehand (which thinking now was an odd question to ask at that point) and I was weak and said yes and that is when everything essentially ended.

I know I shouldve left well enough alone. When she knew I would stay on she took it as well as one could and said I shouldnt feel bad for her because what God intended for her no one could take away, but obviously me saying too much caused this mess. I am trying really hard to move on which is why its a problem. Not a day goes by where I dont think about her, when I remember the good times and I feel totaly upset that they are just a memory that she may be thinking now was just fake. I miss our relationship and I hate that it got ruined because I cant think.

Sent from my GT-I9500 using Tapatalk

[waiting4]

Don't be so hard on yourself, and btw, I hope you didn't think I was unduly harsh as that was not my intention.

Consider it 'lesson learned'. Obviously, 'someone' (god, Buddha whatever) must have plans for you, as well as her. There really isn't anything you can do now, as you know, so try to move on and just accept what is. I know that's not easy....but beating yourself up daily won't make it any easier.

Take care.

[anna_goth27]

Thank you and no your response was appreciated. To an extent I am glad you didnt instead insist I was completley right or blameless because most people don't. Or at least not friwnds and family, but of course they stick up for me and some already had reservations about her from what I said in the past about her (nothing bad but some friends thought she was being harsh by trying to change me or tell me what I needed to change about myself).

She wasnt the type of person I ever expected to get close to and you could say she was my first "real" grown up relationship, so its just weird that it was so simply broken.

I did tell my friend I believe this was a lesson fate has to teach me because in some ways she was bwcoming my crutch. She was my guide, and now its time to guide myself, however difficult this situation is.

I am trying really hard to move on but I cant help it most of the time. I am an over-thinker of sorts, in that I go over situations and things over and over in my head, trying to decipher and see every aspect. Find a reason for everything. If I felt like I had some sort of closure maybe I wouldnt be so caught up, but somehow I dont think thats is the only reason why I am so pained. I guess time heals all wounds, I just hope/wish I never have to reallg meet her anywhere for the next few years so I cam grieve away from her presence, but in such a small town that is very difficult.

Sent from my GT-I9500 using Tapatalk

[hvert]

Losing a friend like that is like breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but no one really talks about it. I lost what I thought was a very close friendship when I left a job and it still bums me out, three years later. You aren't alone in confronting a situation like this and wondering what you could have done differently.

Not sure if this will help you, but in googling about this friendship problem, I came across the concept of 'proximity friends,' people we are close to because we are close to them. When we lose the physical closeness, the relationships sometimes fizzle. Perhaps for you and I, what we thought were real friendships were proximity friendships to the other person?

I hope it gets easier for you as time goes by.