[WendyE]

Hi All,

I'm new here and from what I've seen, while surfing around this place, I'm going to feel right at home here. I don't know if I'm posting in the right forum but here goes.

I have an almost 15 year old son(in April). I divorced his father when he was two. I then married my current husband when my son was 3 1/2. I had his only sibbling(a brother) when my son was almost 4. My oldest went to live with his father when he was 5 years old. I couldn't seem to change his mind about wanting to live with his father through counceling. So, after much soul searching, I let him go. My ex and I just switched rolls. So, I then had him every other weekend.

In the last two years he has been getting into so much trouble. Begining of last year, in 8th grade, he was suspended and then expelled for fighting. He then started running away from his fathers house last summer never letting us know where he was durring the time he was gone. SIGH Talk about PANIC!! The third time he ran away, last summer, he took his ATV with him. It was in his fathers name so his father reported it stolen. When the police finally found him, he was arrested and put in juvi jail. At first they put him on informal probation with community service and drug counceling because he had smoked pot while he was on the run. As long as he didn't screw up again and didn't do anything else like run away again he would have been fine. He wouldn't have had a criminal record. Well...............he ran again this last Dec. When the police finally picked him up he was put back in jail and was put on formal probation, which means he now has a criminal record for theft from the original charge. SIGH (This story wears me out just telling it all ha ha) Well, when they let him out he came to live with his step dad, brother and I. He has had problems with his father, but then he has had problems with everyone of us. He lived with us for about two months, until his step dad couldn't take anymore because of his stealing and threatening violence on his brother that is half his size. He is now back with his father but things are not any better with him. Last week his fathers mom passed away. What you have to understand is that my son was SO VERY CLOSE to his grandmother for so many years. In the last couple of years they haven't been as close but that bond was still there. Her funeral was this last sat. and I had him over fri. night so that I could take him with me to the funeral. I got up sat. morning and he had jumped out the window sometime in the night and was GONE!! I, of course, PANICED!! We haven't had the best relationship but I do know how close he was to his grandmother and I really felt for him. I felt that he was running away from the truth of her death. Well, needless to say, I went to the funeral alone. It was so very hard, alot of tears that I couldn't stop because of EVERYTHING. You see, her and I had alot of hard times because she tried so hard to take my son from me by telling him that I didn't love him and alot of other lies. But, I know that the only reason why she sis that, when you get right down to it, was because she loved him dearly. I've loved her and I forgive her because we both only loved him more than anything.(so glad I made my piece with her before she left us) I found my son later that day at a drug house near by. Walked right in and sat down with all the kids. Sweet talked him out of there saying that I wouldn't turn him in if he would only come home with me. He finally did but turned right around and got suspended from school on mon. morning for smoking on campus. SIGH His father and I had had it so we took his butt down to his probation officer and she locked him up again. He is now out and back with his father at night and with me durring the day most days after school.

Sorry this is so long but I needed to tell my story to have you all know what's going on. I really don't know what to do. I know we have a hard time communicating but he's hit a point that he really doesn't care anymore. I'm so afraid that we're going to loose this child. That one morning we'll wake up and he'll be gone for good. If anyone has and words of wisdom or ideas on communicating with my son that will work, I sure would be thankful.

Thanks in advance.
Love,
Wendy

[PlanningtoLive]

Wendy,

Welcome to the boards. I have an 8 year old son who is starting to become a handful and I think it is because I don't spend enough time with him.

I work alot of hours and his dad has no patience with him. He calls me at work all the time and tells me he misses me. I am so afraid that as he gets older, he will rebel and get into trouble.

I understand where you're at right now and am so very sorry. It would drive me crazy too not knowing what to do and afraid that it may be the wrong move.

I think the biggest thing is to let him know how very much you love him, regardless of his mistakes, past or present. Therapy hopefully will help as well.

I sincerely hope things work out and that your son starts showing some sign of coming around.

Mary Alice

[dexter]

hi wendy I just wanted to wish you good luck with this. I am glad you found this place and find it comfortable because it is a good place to either vent or get support or advice from people who have been there before.

It seems to me that you are not only doing the best you can under the circumstances, but that you have taken very positive steps to help. I can imagine it must have been hard to take him to the probation officer but of course doing the "easy" thing and letting him keep sliding will only make things worse. The best part is that some very positive steps have come out of it with counseling. The "system" you are in seems to be helpful and productive and wants to really help make things better. So you can look at it as another source of support.

I hope things work out. I know it is very difficult but the right things are in motion so if anything is going to help, this will. Just be patient and working on it, and let him know you love him.

good luck

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[WendyE]

Hi Mary Alice,

Thanks for the welcome. I know how you must be feeling about your 8 year old. Goodness, when he calls you at work and says he misses you, you must feel so torn between him and your work. I know I'd feel that way. It is scary needing to make decitions and not know if there the right ones or not. You little one is little enough right now to where you have the time to work on things with him. My son is just about at the age where I have no control over what he does. He'll be 15 soon and then 16. At 16 he can drop out of school if he wants without our permission. I can see it coming already. Hang on to you little one and make sure you do the things you need to do before it gets to late. I wish I'd done more earlier. But then, we all do the best we can.

Thanks and good luck to you.
Love,
Wendy

[WendyE]

Hi Dave,

Thanks for the support. It is really hard to take him into his probation officer and alot easier to let him slide down the slippery slope he's on. I love him enough to try and save him from himself.(if that makes any sence(sp?) Never realised how hard and emotionally draining it was to have a teenager. Now I know how my mom felt. When I first had my boys, I said many times over to my mom that I was so sorry about what I put her through. Granted, I never put her through ANYTHING like my son is doing. But still I'm now understanding what it was like for her. I do hope that counceling will help. He's also in a drug counceling session once a week. It's a group session with other kids that are in the same kind of trouble he is. Don't know if that's a good thing or not because he has met alot of other kids he didn't know before that are not the best influence on him, you know? SIGH Oh well, got to keep plugging away at the child and letting him know how much I love him REGARDLESS. Hopefully we'll be able to look back one day and say "THANK GOD WE MADE IT THROUGH" Ha Ha!! Got to laugh because I can't keep crying over all of this. If I don't laugh, I'll see those men in the white coats coming for me soon. HA HA!!

Thanks again.
Love,
Wendy

[dexter]

>>I love him enough to try and save him from himself.(if that makes any sence(sp?)

Of course that makes sense! You can let him have his way, and let him sink deeper and deeper until he self destructs, or do the things that are difficult both for you and for him that may be able to save him. Hopefully things will turn around for him and if so he will appreciate what you are doing now sometime down the road. He may even thank you for it when he looks back.

>>He's also in a drug counceling session once a week. It's a group session with other kids that are in the same kind of trouble he is.

Keep your eye on that but I don't think you should necessarily worry. A big part of drug counselling is usually things like identifying triggers and learning to stay away from people, places or situations that remind you of the "good" part of doing drugs. It is really important not to associate with the same people which often means dumping all your old friends and finding new ones. If they teach you how to stop doing drugs and then send you out to the same environment you were in before it doesn't matter how determined you are, you are in real danger of relapsing.

In programs I've been in for depression with other people with drug problems they won't allow people who leave the program to come back and visit the people they made friends with in the hospital for that reason.

I would hope that the group program that your son is in understands this and takes that into account with whatever they are doing. Group therapy can generally be very positive. I am sure they realize the possibility of trading one group of "bad apples" for another and have some sort of plan to prevent that.

I'm not saying you should necessarily just sit back and ignore this but I don't think you should worry unduly about it, as group drug counselling is common and it can work. Just keep your normal attention on it. If it is possible to talk to one of the counselors about the program and bring that up maybe they can calm your worries as well.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[WendyE]

I really don't know anything about drug counceling or group. I just knew that I was dropping him off the min. he was supposed to be there. The kids where all outside on the street waiting for the door to open and they were smoking, chatting and goofing around like they're around each other all the time. Worried me a little. My son hates it when I'm the one that takes him to his meeting. I will sit in my truck and watch until that door opens and they all walk in. Then I'm there the min. that door opens and they all walk out. He says he's so imbarased but TOUGH. He can't seem to make and good decitions for himself so I don't give him anytime to screw up. SIGH Thank you for letting me know that they usually have something in place and realise that it isn't that great to have these kids getting to know more children with the same problems. I will keep a close eye on it.

Love,
Wendy

[Rapunzel]

Wendy,

You really do have a difficult situation on your hands with your son, don't you? I'm sorry that he is making the choices that he is. He doesn't sound too far gone to me though. You are a good mom, and it sounds like your ex is cooperating with raising your son, and that helps a lot. The things you are doing sound like all the right things - you show that you care about him, but you don't shield him from the consequences of his actions. You are enlisting support where it is appropriate. Taking him to his probation officer must have been very hard, but it was the right thing, and hopefully will result in more help. Most important, you are supportive without caving in to his inappropriate behaviors or letting him get away with things. Keep being persistent and don't give up. That's the best you can do. And make sure that you have the support for yourself that you need, and recognize that all you can do is all you can do. You want a better future for your son than he wants for himself, but he's going to make his own choices, and have to face the resulting consequences. Know that you are doing the best that you can.

Also, your younger boy is doing very well in school and you say he is an overacheiver. Make sure that you give him as much attention as you can too so that he doesn't feel like his brother gets everything. One idea might be for the three of you to schedule a time to do something fun together on a regular basis.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

</font color=orange>

..just curious..is this the son with TS?

[WendyE]

Actually, my son with TS is my youngest, my over acheaver. My oldest is the one I'm having so much problems with. Although, my youngest has problems of his own that I'm keeping a close eye on. He gets very depressed at the drop of a hat, it seems. He puts so much pressure on himself to be perfect in what ever he does. It's funny how different my children are. I find my youngest get so angry very easily with himself and others around him. Don't know how to counter act what he's feeling when it comes from what he expects out of himself and not what we expect of him. I'd also be thankful for any advice on my youngest also.

Love,
Wendy

[(JD)]

Welcome Wendy. One idea on the son who feels he has to be perfect: try and find some area of interest that forces non-descript results. An example is like finger painting... or um herb gardening. Of course, you have to find something he will try, but this will help him some with his perfectionism.

Games where there is no clear "winner" might also help. And avenues such as model railroading... where the object does the work... (of course he might still get caught up in the arrangements...)

Creative writing.... give him a guys journal for his special ideas...

Sounds like somehow he formed the opinion that he has to be good, better, maybe because of the other "trouble" he causes you, or for the problems his brother is causing... he might be especially sensitive and picking up on wanting to love him "more".

Just thoughts... hopefully they will lead you a solution?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[WendyE]

Hi and thank you for the welcome. I know that my youngest has to have watched his older brother, all these years, get into trouble and that has prob. made a big impression on him. I'm the oldest of two children and my youngest is just like my brother. He watched me get into trouble and thought "I don't want to go there"!! He has told me that was what he thought as we were growing up. My youngest is sooooo like my brother in so many ways. Maybe that's why I'm closer with my youngest and my oldest and I knock heads all the time. We're just to alike. Thanks for the tips. They sound like they could be helpful.

Love,
Wendy