[StuckinRut]

Today I feel quite low... Maybe I should begin by giving a bit of background to this particular post. I'm a guy in my mid 30s. My first "girlfriend" was very devious. It's a very long story, but essentially she claimed to be having financial difficulties and in that way conned me out of a very large sum of money. What makes it worse is that I had to borrowed half of that money in order to give to her. It took many years to me to stabilise my finances. I've since had several other romantic relationships. All of which ended very badly. I seem to attract girls that take advantage of my caring nature and lie. Maybe it's worth mentioning that I found all of my past girl friends through online dating. I still think that online dating is a good way to meet people. But I do wonder if something about the process makes people more willing to lie and less willing to commit... For the past four years I've had a close friendship with a girl. I think that we both expected that it would result in a romantic relationship. But we were both very cautious. A few times she drew closer but I was very clumsy and destroyed those chances. I feel bad that I may have upset her. But I also had strong doubts about whether we could work as a couple. Although we have a lot in common, ironically we don't have any chemistry. Anyway, we're still very good friend, so I feel that is something very positive. More recently I've been trying to take an enforced break from any kind of dating activities. It's too damaging, to everyone concerned, to continue this destructive pattern. Most of the time I'm very happy being alone. But I don't want to always be alone. Also a part of me would like to raise a family. But I'm quite introverted and academically minded. I don't find it easy to make meaningful/deep friendships. Also I'm getting older. For a long time I had this dream of find a soul mate. At one time I felt it was certain to happen. Now I wonder if it was only ever just a dream. Maybe it's not possible to find a truly harmonious relationship. Also I don't know where/how to find her, if even she exists. Online dating seemed to be a sensible option for someone with my nature. But then they do say "if you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got." I do want to break the cycle so I'm scared to return to that approach.

[Rose3]

Sounds like you hope for harmonious relationships. And I know this is possible. There are probably many people who want this too. As you describe your sense of others who take advantage of your caring nature, then realize that it's ok for you to be caring, but also it's ok to be cautious about your finances & generosity. So - perhaps reflect on your pattern of generosity and set some limits on yourself in this aspect, according to your own financial circumstances and be practical.

[Maria116]

I'm in my 30s too, my mid-30s. I loved someone for years but things ended, not my choice. I did not meet anyone else. I mean I've met people, but nothing came out of it, no mutual feelings. I live with my family and do what I have to do for them, taking care of Grandma etc. Will I ever meet the right one? Who the hell knows. I'm pretty much mainly concerned with sustaining myself financially.

Online dating doesn't appeal to me. I tried to make myself do it, didn't work.

[StuckinRut]

Thanks so much for your supportive replies.

Rose: yes I would like to find a harmonious relationship. My parents argued a lot, I saw how damaging that can be. I think setting limits on generosity is a great idea.

Maria: I understand what you've explained. I felt very strongly about the close friend that I mentioned. I think it's hard sometimes when such a relationship does not develop romantically. I guess it's impossible to predict this kind of thing.