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#1
May 12, 2014, 08:49 AM
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ok so me and my guy have been together for almost six years and i find myself thinking selfishly when it comes to him and our relationship, my main concern is the fact he's in a band. he has been in this band for three years and i couldn't be more sick of it. i feel bad because this is him pursuing his dream, and the band itself has done far more than what anyone thought they would and are in a good spot to get picked up majorly. but it hasn't happened yet. i feel bad because for about the last year and half of going to all his shows and dealing with all the b.s. that comes with it im completely fed up and sick of his band... im sick of hearing the music non stop, hearing my boyfriend talk about band non stop, having to arrange my scedule to for his band and shows, having to cancel/change things/plans i want to do with us together because of last minute show changes....overall just sick of our relationship being placed in the background for this band. the way i see it i was there before the band why am i being but aside.
here recently there has been things happening that could mean the end of the band is coming realitivly soon ( like a year or two or less ,band mbrs having kids and getting married and not having the time or money for it anymore) and i find myself extremely happy at this thought and vaguely counting down the days until this happens...i have been more than supporting for his dreams of being in this band and it going somewhere but honestly its caused so many problems/fights and issues with our relationship that im sick of it. i feel like our relationship isn't a priority. i have expressed my concerns and oppions to my bf and he says he understands where im coming from but does nothing really to make me feel better, and has even said im unsupportive, when i have done everything for him to support him in this ( been to every show, make sure he has all his equipment at the end, drive him and his friends/ band home when they drink, been in videos when i didn't want to,helped him put things in order, recording things, ran merch when no one would, anything you can think of to help i have done, canceled plans with my family/ my friends for his shows...but im so unsupportive) so is it selfish of me to seriously want and hope for the end of his band/ his dream so that he and i can move forward and get back to our lives and the things i want to do, not all the time but i feel im owed a good long time period for the things and places i want to go/do????? because i feel like a terrible girlfriend/ person...i have felt very neglected for most of this experience and yet i try to be positive and supportive but im at my wits end. |
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#2
May 12, 2014, 05:15 PM
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Quote:
Firstly, the fact you refer to his being in a band as 'supporting his dream' speaks volumes but I bet you don't even realize it. To you, it might be a dream. To him it's a life goal. The two can combine but are rarely interchangeable. A dream is something one wishes for, is often unattainable and usually involves less demands and more imagination. A goal, on the other hand, is something someone WANTS, works to make happen, is demanding of time and relationships, with the end result, to place the person who has succeeded where he has worked so hard to be. Because it is his 'goal'.... don't think that the dismantling of his band is going to end his 'goal'. That would be a huge lie to yourself and to him, because after the orginal band folds, he will no doubt actively look for another one, or the creation of another one. I'm sure he's told you that you two will finally have some alone time, and it's because of his gratitude to you for all you've done he's promising this----BUT......the fact he has already accused you of being unsupportive when you've told him how you feel, tells me--and should tell you--he will persue this goal until he either wins the battle or he's left in the mud with a bayonett in his heart. And although you have done so much for him to help him (not taking anything away from you) the dedication to purpose is not, in his opinion centered around his goal, but rather, it is around him. And that makes you look needy and fragile, which makes him feel resentful and inadequate--adding to your own identical feelings. Does he think you follow him to his shows/sell the merch/go with him and the bandmates to bars and drive them home when they're drunk etc....does he think you do all these things to protect and inspire and encourage his goal...or does he more likely feel, you do these things because you don't trust him, are afraid of losing him, are feeling a little less that certain of his attention etc.? Those two reasons are also NOT interchangable, and while they may, whilst doing them feel but a subtle difference.....from his perspective they are glaringly different. My advise, for what it's worth: First, you need to decide if his being in a band is something you can get behind--not just accept, but actually encourage fully, without reservation. If it is, and...if he loves you, and I believe he does, you need to sit down with him and ask him exactly what he wants out of his life and his goal, and what he expects of you to support this....and refer to his band as a GOAL not a DREAM...at least then, he will start believing that you are taking his life-goals seriously, and will hopefully be reactive to your own goals. This needs to be a serious, fully fleshed out discussion--write notes of questions you have, thoughts etc if it helps remember. Try to make this talk as non-threatening as possible--no doubt he's already feeling uneasy about your feelings regarding his goals, and the idea is to talk to him....not talk AT him. And when he answers questions, LISTEN....don't think of things you want/need to say next. That will mean more than anything to him and to you. Next: You need to get a life, gf. While I know you believe supporting him means being a glorified slave/groupie/manager/comedian/work horse...it doesn't. If you make yourself that available for abuse or neglect, that is exactly what you will get. Support is great, but it needs to be structured; with no drama. Don't be vacant or uninterested, but grow a few of your own goals ...some that involve his, and some of your own. Nothing like an independant woman who WANTS to be with a man, but doesn't HAVE to be, to turn a clutchy relationship into a strong, elastic and balanced relationship. I feel for you. I WAS you, when I was in my twenties. I learned the hard way. I hope this helps. Take care 
__________________
 Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
 ace333, hannabee, trying2survive
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#3
May 12, 2014, 06:53 PM
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your response was very helpful thank you alot
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 waiting4
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#4
May 12, 2014, 07:12 PM
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Doesn't sound selfish. Does sound resentful.
Where are the other gf's and wives, while you are doing all this? Are they in the same boat? After this one band, comes to a halt, after all this placement into second best category, is there a future? Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2 |
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#5
May 13, 2014, 04:58 AM
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the other girlfriends don't really care about the band, they'll just randomly show up when its convienent for them, but then im expected to do all these things...not sure why, then when i put my foot down and nicely say oh hey i don't want to do merch today or i don't want to do this..., then they assume im in a bad mood or being a b***h???? its very strange and it does make me resentful in ways.
i hope there is a future for us, i feel like we have been through so much why wouldn't therebe a future but who knows. i want to stay with him, i jsut want a little more time for us...just us...without outside influences. i feel like im not really asking alot, but band pressures makes it seem like i am, so sometimes i feel in the wrong and bad but other times i feel like im deserving of time for us |
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#6
May 13, 2014, 06:01 AM
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You are deserving of together time, quality together time. The implications that it's your mood, when you bow out
 Sounds just wrong. No wonder you've grown resentful. Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2 |
| ace333
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#7
May 13, 2014, 06:55 AM
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You be exactly who you are and he needs to be exactly who he is...you cannot change eachother....if there is enough in common - without resentment...there could be a future. If he is not treating you like you are #1 -more important than the band.,
I would not expect that to change even when the band is gone....he'll be searching for the next band because he loves it. Does not mean he does not love you - unless you pressure him to quit something he loves.
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
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#8
May 13, 2014, 07:13 AM
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im not pressuring him to quit anything...just want more time to ourselves, the band ha sbeen adding this sense to both of us that there is no time to do anything. we always feel rushed and busy because of it, and he even admits its just more stress and sometimes he wants to quit and he realizes he doesn't pay enough attention to but rarely does naything to change it
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#9
May 13, 2014, 05:22 PM
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It sort of sounds like you have been made a band member when you don't really want to be (doing merch, gear, etc). Can *you* quit the band? What are your dreams and what does your boyfriend do to help you achieve them?
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#10
May 13, 2014, 06:43 PM
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I haven't really thought bout my dreams I have been too busy dealing family problems and getting my life together to really even enjoy things myself. But before the band stuff and the family problems I was big into art...at the current point in my life I haven't painted or drawn anything for a few years now. My boyfriend loves my art and tells me to get back into it...but I have no time or will to do it. I love to travel but as stated before the band takes up priority to our travel plans also money is becoming more and more scarce for us to even try to travel
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#11
May 13, 2014, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
__________________
“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany “Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge |
| ace333
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