Mom's of Adult Male "children"

Hi... I posted here.. because I want to hear from women only.. Mom's or not..... "young" or "not"...

My son,,, (yes raised him... it's true).... is treating me rudely to say the least. He is 22yrs old, I have never in the past tolerated that behavior from him - respect for people...

I divorced his Dad when he was a baby, and his dad abused me for 12 years..

So is it time I cut this adult off finacially? Is it time I tell him take your garage full of crap and move it out?

I mean I pay his insurance,, I just gave him 70 on the 3rd.. and he just now hung up on me because he did not keep his promise to come over and discuss budgeting "he said - saw no reason to.."

so all opinions.. even negative to me as a parent are welcome.. I just really want to hear from you all..

Thank you..

He saw no reason to because he fully expects you'll keep bailing him out. Time to cut him off, for sure.

For what it's worth, my parents cut me off at 18. I once -- true story -- drove around in a car with the drivers side door duct-taped shut, because I didn't have the $600 to fix it and they wouldn't give it to me, telling me it was my problem and up to me to fix it. I had to crawl into the drivers seat from the passenger side and over the center console, which is painful if you miss.

I resented them then, appreciate it now. It might take another 10 years for your son to appreciate it if you cut him off, but it will help him in the long run, and help you in a multitude of ways as well.

Good luck.

Candy

I cut my son off with a plane ticket to another state. 1 way at that. He wouldn't do a darn thing to help me out. wouldn't even wash a dirty dish. he is now 30 and tells me Thanks mom. best thing you ever did for me! so I say cut the apron strings and let him be a man.

I have had this same thing except with my daughter. I finally had to stop giving because she expected "it" more and more. Now she asks and I say no. She has said some pretty mean things to me but I have stuck to it. Whether male or female I think a lot of kids will take advantage of you if you allow them to.

Snow

I have no kids, but i believe that if you keep givin - he'll keep takin! I'm sorry he is showing such a lack of respect for you, it must be very hurtful.

Tranquility

I have to agree with "cutting the apron strings.

Yesterday, my son told me I made him sick and he hated me. lol He is 26. I laugh because at this point in his life, if he is still acting like a teenager, I guess he may never get it.

His father told him if he didn't graduate this winter, from the university, that was it. He said he was out. His father made one mistake tho, he said he didn't care if he worked or not, all he expected was to see a degree in CS. I think my son should be working.. anyway. His dad should expect him to be working, if not full time, part time.

Ooo my son isn't disrespectful to his father. Seems I am the one that gets the verbal abuse. It used to bother me. Because I was the one that was always there for him. Oh, the story doesn't even matter any more. I just laugh at him when he cusses me out. I guess I don't really care anymore. If he wants to be a jerk, I guess that is his choice. I do know, down the road, many years from now, he will regret how he treats me. Seems he has a love/hate towards me. I guess what I am saying is, if at the age of 26, if he hasn't learned how to be respectful, he "may" or "never" will get it. Something might wise or shake him up one day. shrugs shoulders...

ooo it prob is my fault anyway. I was a tad over protective type mother. I was always there for him. I gave him most of the things he wanted, including all the things he needed. I just gave too much, or loved too much. I wanted to give him everything I didn't get. Which was a mistake. I should have been harder on him, maybe he would have learned respect.

I don't really laff when he cusses me out. It shatters my nerves and causes me to have stomach problems. I can say I did my best. I expected the best from him as an adult. Guess we can't always get what we want.

There is hope somewhere. I don't know where. Maybe anger management classes. I have said enough. Gives me a headache just typing this.

Phew!!! I'm so glad to read everyone's views here.What they put us through!!! I feel like I've spent my whole life saying no to this sort of thing. It used to be my brothers! My brother just older than me came to my door once with his laundry..I showed him how to walk to the laundrette..lol. and the conniving that comes with requests for money etc... ...and the feelings of guilt...I left home very young and made it on my own...my son 20 has been particularly heartbreaking in this area..his requests come with a but don't you love me mum? and he uses the most beautiful innocent voice..but he wants money to buy cigs and booze!!!.. and my daughter shes a weak spot..I have given in to her because she's so beautiful in spirit!!...but she's getting the no response pretty soon..as soon as she pays me back!!..lol..what am I going to be like when Im a grandmother one day!!! have pity on me....luv Jjulia

As a mom of two males (age: 22 & 17) - I would say "YES" by all means cut him off.... and let him know that nothing will change until he changes his attitude - this worked on both of my boys - they got nothing from me other than what the law required until I saw and heard some RESPECT!!!

<font color="red"> P.S. </font>

I have heard it said.....

That we TEACH people how they can TREAT us.

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That we TEACH people how they can TREAT us.


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I can "guarantee" anyone that I did not teach my son to be disrespectful to me. But I can say that when my son was in counseling, is when he starting acting out his anger towards me. The counselor pretty much said that those close to us will vent their anger because they know we will never leave them. I don't know how true that is, but the counselor pretty much did not think it was an issue. He was a quack and I was too stupid at the time to recognize it.

I think the only person in the mental health field that had any sense at that time was the psychiatrist I took my son to have him taken Zoloft. He was straight forward and rather shocked at my son's attitude towards me. He even said my son never needed Zoloft. My son was l3 at the time. Anyway, I am positive things would have never gotten so out of hand had I had my son continue seeing the psychiatrist. Problem was, the psychiatrist was $200 an hour. I could not afford his fee, so I stayed with the counselor @ $45 an hr. Guess you get what you pay for. I know I paid dearly for wasting my time and my son's time in therapy with a certified quack.

I have to admit I am rather appalled with the comment that we teach people how to treat us. That we deserve to be treated poorly because that is how we teach or expect people to treat us. Am looking for the BS icon and couldn't find it, but looks like I said it without needing the icon.

uhoh.. I am sure this will be edited. I am not being rude. I am stating a fact. The fact being, I have never taught anyone or expected anyone to verbally abuse me, or mistreat me in any way.

a little off topic here... I apologize...

I understand the saying "we teach people how to treat us" to mean that the way we see ourselves reflects on the way others may treat us.... if we are self loathing and don't think we deserve things... others may get that message from us and treat us in that way-- because that is the message we are sending.. it might be unconscious... but it's still a message that others are receiving.....

If we believe in ourselves and respect our own opinions and such... then it's much more likely that others will treat us in the the same way..... I don't think it's anything to do with actually "teaching" someone or expecting a behavior out of someone... it's the "vibes"(one might call it) that a person sends off to others.... confidence or lack of.... self loving or self loathing.... do we strongly stick with what we've said and follow through or are we a push-over and have shown others that we threaten but we don't take action..... all these things are messages that we send off to others... messages on how they may perceive us resulting in them treating us in a particular way....

does that make sense??......

I do believe that we "teach" people how to treat us. in the way that I have explained it anyway.... though.... I think for small children when there's divorce involved or anomosity between the husband and wife, one parent can play the child against the other parent.... then that is a whole other issue.....
I believe the saying pertains mostly to adult relationships-- including one's own children when they become adults.

mandy **edited-- to try and re-word better... it's hard to explain this ....**

umm.. i am not self loathing.. and i have never felt that i did not deserve things. ...

if negative vibes from me is my son's excuse for his ways.. i guess that is his choice... all i can say people need to learn "self control"...if it makes them feel good to run some one over, seems to me, they have low self esteeme.. Folks that are secure in who they are do not need to be abusive or hurtful to others... I guess each to their own... I would never and I have never treated anyone in any abusive manner. guess that is just me..shrugs shoulders

i agree with Mandyfins.

and i would do exactly what Rhapsody suggested. cut him off til he decides to grow up. putting up with abuse from your child is enabling them to continue that lifestyle and it will bleed over into every thing they try to do.

no job, no school, no respect, nothing eventually.

look at it this way, do you really, really want to be living this same life in 10 years? if you enable him, he'll have ten years of practice and will probably never change. sad, but true.

if one of my children had talked to me disrespectful when they lived in my house, it would have been toughlove on the spot. we've had spats since they've been grown and i've played a part in those. i own those.

good luck....xoxox pat

Oh my... I am sorry folks. Reading over what I had written, it looks like I was still feeling the sting of my son's bite. Maybe he has a reason to be angry at me. Geesh, today is Saturday and it is supost to be Friday. I did not know it was Saturday that is until I turned on the TV this morning to watch Regis and Kelly and I couldn't find the show. So I just thought maybe they took a vacation lol.. seems I am the one that took a mental vacation as I lost one day this week. I can account for every day which to means today is Friday. But I am wrong. It is Saturday. I lost a day somewhere. God, I fight for my sanity and this happens again... grrr at me

ok . let me go back.. I don't foot the bill for my son's education. His father paid the first few years. He now has student loans which means he will be paying for his education when he graduates.

ok.. My son works part time in the computer lab at the university. He also tutors folks for $20 an hour. And his father does give him electronics from his pawn shop to sell. So my son does pay for his car insurance and clothing and personal things. He has a credit card which he is responsible to make payments, which he does. In other words, I do not support him financially.

ok...hmm, I may have jumped in this thread without thinking. My son has an anger problem. When he gets angry he vents it at me and says the most horrible things to me. I feel when he does this he is being disrespectful. Actually he is.

ok.. When I was married to his father, he did see his father verbally abusing me many times. When he was 8 years old he even jumped on his father's back to get his father off of me, because his father was attacking me. So, he did learn and see that I crumble under other peoples extreme anger. So he did learn this behavior. I guess it is partly my fault, as I fall apart when someone becomes potentially violent towards me or expresses extreme anger towards me. I would fight back sometimes with his father, but his father is stronger physically than me, so it was a no win situation..

I agree with pat and everyone that says my son's behavior, if tolerated and not changed will affect his future wife, children, and job. I don't accept how he gets when he is angry and he knows it. And my son also knows his anger gets out of control. I can't change my son. My son has to be responsible for controlling his anger and/or needs to take anger management classes.

I prob rattled on and am feeling rather tired. I hope I have made some kind of sense. I am sorry if I spoke out of line to anyone. I need to learn to express myself more clearly

huggs to all
radio_flyer

I would hope you could begin/continue to model proper anger management to him, even as he struggles with it. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Is it time I tell him take your garage full of crap and move it out?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> To me, this is not a good model of behavior you wish from your son.

Does the stuff in the garage irk you that much? Then help him come to grips with either he has to put up with it where he lives, has to sell it, or just plain has to throw it out. No upset required. Here are the facts, son, make the decision. You could give him a deadline. If he doesn't meet it, throw the stuff out. No anger, no emotion, just is.

But I think that is a smaller issue here.

Why not both of you go to anger management together? Even if he doesn't go, the class, realizing you were supposed to be there together, will be of great support for you with additional ideas.

We do teach ppl how to treat us. It's often unconscious and usually inadvertent. We usually think we are just doing the best we can (and that may be true) however, others learn by watching us. Sad truth sometimes.

But that doesn't mean that is how you want him to treat you. And you have every right to ask him to respect you now.
He may not be able to fully understand or act correctly yet, at his young age. Be consistent with your own self, and that will help him learn and come around to a good relationship.

TC

Freewill...I read your post earlier today and have thought a lot about your situation as the day progressed, honestly not knowing how to respond or what to say to you. First, just know I feel your pain and frustration with your son! Let me ask...Is he working at any type of job? Does he contribute to any of your expenses in any way, or does he just expect you to provide money for him? I am in grad school right now with students who are undergrad and grad as well and they all have other jobs! Many are your son's age, and I admire them for working and studying at the same time. I honestly don't know how they manage to keep up! Is your son in any kind of school or training which will prepare him to be independent? If not, I think he needs to find employment and start contributing to the expenses he is causing you.
Patty

Thank you one and all and I really mean that..

It is a complicated situation. Just not cut and dried. My son does work, he declined college though I gave him his college fund. When I became seriously ill, when he was 18 and a senior in high school - he moved out that Easter. His girlfriend who he has known since pre-school - who is a year older, and had already graduated presuaded him that he needed to live with her and her Mom.

I was the most devasted person that could ever be on the face of the earth at that time. The girlfriend said your Mom or me - that an ED is her attempting to control you.

At that time, my son also cut each and every friend out of his life - the crowd that he hung with could not stand his girlfriend. These friends were true friends since grade school.

I continued to have contact with my son and every step of the way finacially supported him. The mom of the girlfriend refused to make my son leave "because she wanted her daughter to marry my son". a direct quote.

So my son received 12,000 and about another 10,000 dollars from my college funds, plus he got a free ride if he wanted it from the college. He also got free vechicles - several nice ones - that he wrecked. These all from me.
I was terrified of losing him completely.
During this time, my parents passed and all their siblings. In addition I had 2 breast lumps..

So I made every effort to get together with my son and his girlfriend - though still ill. I took them both on a very beautiful vacation - that my son and I used to go on anually.

So at 22 yrs old, in Jan he moved out to live as roomates with his girlfriend and her baby. She cheated on him and had a baby a while back.
So they were broken up for awhile, and he moved back home - I paid all expenses though he worked.

So now they live in an expensive apartment - he pays for most of the support of her and the baby that is not his. - Except that he keeps coming to me for money - I pay his insurance plus fix his vechile and he is always coming for money.

The girlfriend and him after 2 months of living together are just room mates - no sex, no cuddling, no dating...
She once again has a laundry list of things that she wants him to do if she were to "consisder" marrying him"

college, driving a car instead of a truck, giving up hunting, giving up smoking - which he did quit smoking.

She wants to be a forever home mom - never work not even part time.. she also wants 5 children and a wedding that well is out of this world.

So I am jus tired of the whole situation.. and probably not thinking clearly right now... I just am tired of scraficing for this relationship between my son and this girlfriend.

Okay...thanks for filling us in here, Freewill...It sounds like your son had plenty of opportunities for furthering his education but has been sidelined by his relationship with this "girlfriend," who has had a child with another fella! It also sounds like if he marries this girl, he is in for a life of hardship. At some point, however, you are going to have to stop footing the bill for him and give him a wakeup call about what he's doing...squandering his opportunities for a fulfilling life! I do know how you feel...devastated and truly overwhelmed!
When my daughter graduated from high school, she had a full four year scholarship to Univ. of KY...everything paid for. Just before departing for college she eloped with a boy I had only met once. She admitted to me what she had done, and she went off to live in the dorm till he could join her and they set up housekeeping in an apt. He was an alcoholic/addict/drug dealer and she stayed with him for three years. When she did this, it was like a death to me! I didn't know what to do, and he didn't even want us talking to her on the phone! I learned, after she finally left him in her junior year, that he had been extremely abusive, had slammed her against the wall, thrown beer bottles at her, peed on the floor before going to bed, locked her in the bathroom while playing Russian roullette with his drug friends. ....She did finally leave him and is now happily married to a wonderful man and they have twin boys. Both have good jobs and the twins are a true joy to me.
I've shared all of this because I truly know what a nightmare our kids can create for us!
It sounds to me that your son needs to get away from this girl and start preparing for his own life!
Love
Patty

he is an adult living an adult lifestyle. stop paying. really simple get a job and keep your girlfriend. kids nowdays have no respect and expect us to keep them up. my son once told me I brought him into the world and it was up to me to keep him up all his life. I told him where to get off. off his butt and get a job. now he respects me alot!

I feel for you, freewill and I certainly have no answers.

It's very difficult as parents to let our children lead their own lives. While our children need to know we are there for them they must be free to fly.

I am truly blessed with two grown sons. As it happens, both are married and both are members of the US Navy. But there the simularities end....they are as different as night and day. They are almost a generation apart in age.
One was on the honor roll in high school but didn't want to go on to college. My youngest could get good grades but preferred the social side of school and barely made it through high school by the seat of his pants.

I know that when I'm gone....they will grieve then they will go on to live their own lives as they see fit. I don't understand either one of them, but I love them.

I wish you all the best.

en·a·ble [ in áyb'l, en áyb'l ] (past and past participle en·a·bled, present participle en·a·bling, 3rd person present singular en·a·bles)

transitive verb

Definition:

1. provide somebody with means: to provide somebody with the resources, authority, or opportunity to do something

which in his case, is drain you dry finally and emotionally.......

i sense that you feel sorry for him about this girl. don't. you didn't hold a gun to his head when he picked her. she's his choice, not yours.......don't pay for his insurance. if he is old enough to have a car, he can buy it and insure it.....

freewill, i've had patients who had the same kind of deal with their parents and they are very hard to re-direct. unless you do the re-directing, it's all for naught.

good luck, xoxox pat

Hi Freewill,
I totally feel your pain. I'm living the same pain! My daughter is in London right now and calls me to tell me that she only has $19 in the bank and I should go make a deposit! I gave her free rent before she went so she could save (she didn't.) I paid her medical insurance for 2 months because she was going on this trip and had to "save." I gave her a gift of $500 to take with her and she still calls crying and expects me to deposit more money into her account.

She will be 22 in Sept. I'm done. Do as Pat suggests. I'm doing it now. It's high time, but it is so painful at the same time. And my child is in another country!!

As my mom used to say, "you made your bed, you lay in it."

I think it's time. I'm not doing her any favors. I know I made a ton of mistakes while my kids were growing up, but I don't want to keep making mistakes. I really think she resents me more for being such a total sucker!

I REALLY do feel your pain, Freewill. I'm right there with ya!
Take care,
Okie

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radio_flyer said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
That we TEACH people how they can TREAT us.


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I can "guarantee" anyone that I did not teach my son to be disrespectful to me.

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I am sorry that is NOT what I meant....... ((( HUGS )))

What I meant was - IF a person treats us badly or disrespects us and we keep giving unto them or do nothing about their bad actions, then we are allowing them to treat us this way (therefore) in a round about way - we are teaching them how they can treat us.

We must stand firm and not allow such behavior or they will take it as though they can get away with their negative behavior toward us, a loved one.

Does that make better sense of what I was saying?

Actually, I jumped in this thread without even thinking.

Yes, what you said is true and makes a lot of sense.

And yes, he did learn that I fall a apart when he saw his father's rage towards me. So, I can say it is my fault my son vents his strikes his anger towards me. Come to think of it, my son witnessed me crumble and become submissive when my own brother was raging at me. I don't know, it looks like I have problems standing up for myself.. I have weakened over the years. Which is only my fault. I just can't deal with rage and threats, so I guess I hide. That surely doesn't solve any problems.

Anyway, I do understand and even agree with what you have said. ((((((((( Rhapsody)))))))))

yeah, time to cut the apron strings.
I have 5 kids. the 23 year old is independent and..I won;t but I could brag...the 18 yr old daughter is independent and now thankful for everything I did/said. The 14 year old is a quiet kid, no problems. The 11 year old is a boy who can be naughty at times. The 13...just turnmed 14 year old I would like the remove his tongue! He verbally abuses me...I am so tired of being called a "F'in B" over and over because I won't let him run wild. I am counting the days until he turns 18 and can show him the door.
your 22 year old needs to be shown the door....