[MusicalRaven]

Okay so my best friend is pregnant and she and I have been having problems understanding each other. I have problems trying to tell her what I mean without her getting angry.

The other day I texted her, after she found out that I was going on a date, that I thought she didn't care about my dating life, she's married with a baby on the way so I thought that I shouldn't burden her with my problems. Well she got upset and said "Wow it's good to know you don't think I care" Unfortunately I hate getting into stuff over text so I just let that go. She was evidently really upset because she didn't even tell me, her supposed best friend, that she went to the ER because of pain or nausea or something. I found out from a Facebook post of an ultrasound of the baby. O.O

So below is an email I wrote to her trying to explain myself and how I feel. Your thoughts about how it comes off would be greatly appreciated. The last time I tried to talk to her she called me an "apocalyptic self centered narcissist" so I want to make sure that I'm not sounding like that this time.

Thanks.

Friend,
So I feel like it might do some good for me to be able to explain myself. Unfortunately when we talk in person I have a hard time articulating myself and become defensive and shut down before I'm able to really tell you what's going on or how I really feel.

Also the last time I emailed you you said you didn't read it. Read this one. It's important for both of us.

Our last in depth person to person talk was a good one. I came away from that conversation learning much and realizing a couple things.

1) Things are changing more rapidly then I would like I cannot change that. This means that I have to change my perspective and be there to support you in this time. I want, and I am trying, to do that and am willing to do whatever you need me to do in order to help you.

2) My life as a single woman is lonely and your life as a married woman is not. I have realized that you, as a newly pregnant woman and a wife, cannot be everything that I need from one person. That's not a bad thing. I feel like I need someone who will be there for me when I'm lonely, be there to support me in any and all endeavors and be there to share in the joys and sorrows of life. This is a boyfriend, not a friend. I'm sorry that I expected you to be all of these things for me all at once, it wasn't fair and I realize that now.

3) In realizing that I have unfairly placed my burdens on you I have decided to spread out those burdens, by finding a boyfriend who will be there for me and by finding other female friends. This doesn't mean that I won't be there for you, you are my best friend and I will ALWAYS be there for you, I just need to find more people who are there for me too.

4) Upon further inspection of our last text message issue I realize that what I meant to say was that you really don't seem as interested in my dating life as I would like. It's not that you don't care, you have told me you do and I believe you. Maybe it's that you don't seem as interested as I would like, and that is no ones fault but my own for expecting you to be. In fact when I started dating last year and started to come to you with stories and whatnot you told me that you are in a different place in your life where these stories and endeavors don't excite you as they would when you were younger. That's okay. I have realized that maybe my dating life isn't the most interesting news of the day. So to cut down on the drama that I bring into your life I have decided that maybe I should keep the little things about my dating life to myself, like first dates and who I am currently texting. You will meet my next "boyfriend" as I still value your opinion highly, but until then I thought that it would cut down on your stress and my drama level if I kept the small things to myself.

5) I did not mean for my text to come off as "passive-aggressive" I meant it to be honest but not mean. I told you how I felt, obviously in a way that was not okay, and I'm sorry. I have gotten to the point where I don't know what will upset you anymore. I want to be the best friend I can be, with little drama but I still want to be honest. I will try to be better but I'm still learning obviously and I hope that you would realize when I have just stuck my foot in my mouth. You should know that I would never intentionally hurt you or upset you.

6) In our last in depth talk you made it clear that you are uncomfortable sharing your problems with me. That deeply troubles me. It upsets me to know that in this time of great change you are closed to me. You are willing to hang out with me and be there for me, but don't seem to be offering me the same for you. I want to be there for you. I want you to be able to call me and tell me what's going on. I want a mutual friendship and it troubles me that you have shut yourself away from me, and I'm not talking about you hibernating or wanting to stay home, that's different, I am talking emotionally. Since our talk I have tried to cut down on the drama. I thought I was doing better, I've been trying to not bug you too much, let you initiate conversation. I have offered myself to you, whatever help you need, but I don't feel you want it. I'm still here for you, even if it's hard for you to feel that way.

Lastly I write this email knowing full well that you may get upset. I write this email hoping that you will hear me, really hear me. Please don't jump to conclusions about what I have written. If you have questions or comments, please respond to the email and I hope that we can work out our differences. You mentioned that anymore drama and you would need to take a break. I hope that trying to explain myself and my feelings doesn't cause you to shut me out. I am NOT trying to be apocalyptic or self centered or narcissistic. Unfortunately telling you how I feel might come off self centered, it might even come off as accusatory, I assure you I do not mean it that way. I am taking a chance by doing this, by trying to get this off my chest and my mind, because since our talk I am afraid of saying what I mean, for fear of losing your friendship for a while.

I am trying to be better. A better friend. A better person. Less dramatic. Less burdening. This is the only way I know how and I still fear that it isn't right.

I hope that we can understand each other better. This is my white flag. As I said in the text message, the ball is in your court. I hope to hear from you soon but it is up to you if you want to talk to me. I still love you and I always will.

Sincerely with hope and love,
Me

[hvert]

Personally, I wouldn't send this. It looks like it was really helpful to write that all out to process that stuff for yourself, but if the point is to preserve the friendship, I would leave out just about all of the detail. Keep it short and sweet - she'll be more likely to read it and take on the message.

[MusicalRaven]

Well I did send it because it was important for me to be heard. If she doesn't read or retain it then it was all for naught but I had to try. If I left out the detail then things would undoubtedly get taken wrong in the future because of my lack of communication.
Thanks for your input though

[(JD)]

Good for the effort. She can take it any way she wants... your good intentions are evident imo.

But when you said "letter" I thought you truly wrote and mailed it to her, not electronically. Sigh guess I'm too old fashioned when it comes to mending fences.

Be well...hope she thinks about it. She must be feeling out of the loop because she's now married etc. It happens the other way round when everyone but one in a group is married...then it's the single who's left out. It's a tough part of maturing and moving on into different aspects of life.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MusicalRaven

Friend,
So I feel like it might do some good for me to be able to explain myself. Unfortunately when we talk in person I have a hard time articulating myself and become defensive and shut down before I'm able to really tell you what's going on or how I really feel.

First, this is a good opening, keep the ball in your court and don't put it on her as her responsibility. owning up to what you do is the first thing to making people more open to listening to you... but then,

Also the last time I emailed you you said you didn't read it. Read this one. It's important for both of us.

I have a problem with this line. the "read this one" is kind of bossy and demanding. liek saying "what I have to say is very important and you should listen" You'll receive Quite the opposite reaction you'll get from the first paragraph.

2) My life as a single woman is lonely and your life as a married woman is not. I have realized that you, as a newly pregnant woman and a wife, cannot be everything that I need from one person.

First, the "my life ... single... " seems to assume that you know or think her life is better and without loneliness and negatives and almost does a contrasting of your lives and probably would seem to have a guilt-inducing effect. "you cannot be everything I need" Translates to "you're not enough".. not particularly positive.

That's not a bad thing. I feel like I need someone who will be there for me when I'm lonely, be there to support me in any and all endeavors and be there to share in the joys and sorrows of life. This is a boyfriend, not a friend. I'm sorry that I expected you to be all of these things for me all at once, it wasn't fair and I realize that now.

NO reason this has to be a boyfriend rather than a friend nor does it have to exclude her from being that for you. Whether she is or not is a different story but this assumes that a platonic friend cannot be there to that level.

4) Upon further inspection of our last text message issue I realize that what I meant to say was that you really don't seem as interested in my dating life as I would like.

you really only succeed in restating that you don't think she cares about your dating life. It's just rewording. Uninterested = don't care.

5) I did not mean for my text to come off as "passive-aggressive" I meant it to be honest but not mean. I told you how I felt, obviously in a way that was not okay, and I'm sorry. I have gotten to the point where I don't know what will upset you anymore. I want to be the best friend I can be, with little drama but I still want to be honest. I will try to be better but I'm still learning obviously and I hope that you would realize when I have just stuck my foot in my mouth. You should know that I would never intentionally hurt you or upset you.

The bolded line is very negative. I know if someone says to me "I don't know what to expect from you, or how you'll react, only serves to put me on the defensive. This translates to "your emotions are too unpredictable to me" and "I don't know you"

"you should know... " The last thing you want to do is say "you should know I would never [insert anything]" it equates to "you should know better than to think I'd _______" and that if they think that they are ignorant of your true intentions.

To cut this short I won't say more here but I think that writing her a letter isn't a bad idea but it should be edited. It mostly comes off as a letter that is not about her, her needs or expectations but how you are affected in this. Why not ask her for her interpretations on the situation and put the ball in her court to tell you what it is she wants? It seems like you're doign a lot of assuming you know what's going on without a two way conversation going on first.

[hvert]

Oh whoops, I'm sorry -- I totally misread that - I didn't realize that you had already sent the letter. I hope you get a good response from her!

Originally Posted by hvert

Oh whoops, I'm sorry -- I totally misread that - I didn't realize that you had already sent the letter. I hope you get a good response from her!

yeah me too. Hopefully it isn't misread like I read it.

[MusicalRaven]

Thanks for the feedback. We've been best friends forever and it's just within the past year or a couple months that I feel like I can't do anything right by her. Before she told me she was pregnant i went through so some really emotionally debilitating times where I literally had no one to go to or talk to, she could have been there for me but she wasn't. So in light of that I feel like I'm done being pushed aside. I want her to know how i really feel and if that sounds awful then I'm just am awful person. I want so badly to be there for her by I can't keep offering myself when she is constantly rejecting me and my company or help.

[SnakeCharmer]

Musical, your good intentions did come through. But there's no telling if your friend will be in a mood to understand that. I hope you both can work things out eventually.

I've had situations with my friends when our lives went in different directions for a while and then we got back together and all was well. I'm on the outs with one of my best friends right now. He's totally P.O.ed at me and I'm baffled, but remaining open to the idea that things can settle down and we'll pick up again. I'm working on making sure I have no hard feelings or resentments. Truth is, I don't like the way he acted toward me one bit, but I think I can understand the reasons. I wasn't acting the way he wanted me to and I still have no inclinations to act the way he wants. That right there is a recipe for discord. But I figure it doesn't matter who's the most right and the most wrong in the situation because when I look at it with total honesty I know that from his perspective I'm wrong (and vice versa) and from my perspective I'm right (and vice versa.) I'm just trying to feel forgiving because in the grand scheme of things all my friend did was show angry emotional distress, with some strong words. Not really a betrayal. All I did was say, Don't treat me that way. Not exactly a betrayal either.

I get the strong sense that what's gone on between you and your friend amounts to strong emotions and some harsh words, but not betrayal to the center of the soul.

The hard fact is that some life transformations truly change the dynamics in a friendship. Marriage is one. Pregnancy and parenthood is another. It's likely that you and your friend may never be able to go back to the way you were when you were both younger and single and totally each other's top priority.

That's all changed now. Her marriage and pregnancy (and future child) have to take top spot now, along with her own needs, which are changing rapidly. But even when friendships change, they can survive and even become stronger in time.

It's commendable that you now realize you can't expect her to meet your needs the way she used to and that you'll be looking for a boyfriend. That's healthy. There's no way to know how she'll take that statement.

For one thing, a pregnant woman has so many changes going on right inside her own body and in her marriage, that even the most stable and even-tempered women sometimes can't easily cope with changes from their friends or other family members. I hope you will give her some slack. As well as giving yourself some slack, too. It's really hard when our very best friend in the world suddenly has priorities that shift us out of the number one spot in their lives. It hurts. But a forgiving heart can get us through the crisis of change.

[MusicalRaven]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Musical, your good intentions did come through. But there's no telling if your friend will be in a mood to understand that. I hope you both can work things out eventually.
.

I hope that we can work things out too. I don't think that she's ready though. I sent that email on Sunday and I haven't heard anything yet. I wonder how long it will take before she contacts me.

I was listening to the radio here at work and Say Something by A Great Big World came on, seemed oddly fitting.

[tinyrabbit]

Why did you ask for thoughts if you already sent it?

Honestly, I feel like you're seeing this solely from your perspective. Your friend is pregnant and I'm sorry if I sound a little blunt but that is much more of an upheaval, and more life-changing, than going on a date. She may be tired, sick, over emotional... this isn't the time to send passive aggressive texts accusing her of not caring.

It would be better to focus on what you want to change and keep it neutral and upbeat, eg I would have suggested saying: "Hey, I feel like we haven't had a good catch up for a while and I'd love to tell you what's going on with me." If you're accusing her of not caring then I kind of get why she didn't read your last email.

You say you are there for her. Are you though? Really? Or are you just wanting her to be interested in you? Sorry but nobody's dating life is that exciting, I don't think anyone wants to know everything like people do on TV. You want to tell her stories about dating but are you interested in what's going on with her or are you deciding what her life is like (eg you decided you're lonely and she's not) and not actually asking her?

I'm married. I feel lonely sometimes. I would be very upset and very angry if I got this email. It is drama. Sorry. Who are you unburdening and explaining yourself for? This email isn't for her. It's for you. It's not a white flag.

If I were you I would write her again and say you are sorry for being kind of caught up in yourself, you miss her, how is she. Sorry to be a bit blunt here.