[Jules03]

Hi - I'm writing hoping someone can help in someway to guide me on this.

I've not been sleeping or eating much of late, and so torn over what to do.

I've been married over 20 years. My husband and I, along with our autistic son, were in America for the past 5 weeks, and are now back in the UK. In the second week in, I discovered that for the past 15 years, my husband has been leading a double life. I find out that he'd lied about having dinner with work colleagues, and that he'd instead met an ex-colleague, a 20-something female for dinner, one on one. I was devastated. His reaction at my discovery and at needing to see his email/texts for reasuurance was anger and I saw a side of him I've never seen, swearing etc. He believed his mail should be private, and normally I'd agree, but under the circumstances, I needed to know. I said to him "As your wife, I've not kept anything from you. If you're just friends, you should have no qualms about proving this to me.' Though of course, the lie changed everything and has naturally destroyed my trust. He eventually relented. He says it was nothing physical, but why lie? What I read, was incredibly hurtful.

Since we moved from Australia to the UK for his work, he has increasingly isolated me. He moved into a flat just after our last son was born, to be closer to his work, rather than move us all. I cried whenever he left for 3 months after that. I realise now that I should have left him then and there, that a husband cares whether his wife is happy or not. I'd left friends and family behind to support him in his career, giving my own up at his request. I have been home educating our son(ASD) and have basically been to hell and back, but he hasn't been here for the bulk of it. I adore my son and he was doing very well education-wise and as I'd always worked with special needs children, I was enjoying teaching him and seeing his progress.

I've since learned that some years back when my husband and my daughter went to the same College for different Art courses, he'd asked her never to tell me that he goes out with other women, as they're just friends and that he felt there was nothing wrong with him doing this.

He has admitted to having friendships both online and at work with many women over the years, even flying to Germany to stay with a woman briefly that he'd worked with, unbeknownst to me after our son was born. He was apparently checking out a possible new job there, but decided not to work there. He admits he's a flirt, and says he is like that with both men and women.

Since I've discovered all this, I've gone through shock mode, the tears, the anger, have thoughts of returning to Australia, getting my family and friends back that I've missed and lost through isolation, and know that I can make it on my own. This man has blamed me our entire marriage for having loved someone before him, and has always said that I should have saved myself for him.

He swears that he loves me, that he never loved these women, and that if I went to Australia, he'd move back too and live down the street from me and never give up on getting me back. He says he won't have female friends anymore. He is giving up his flat and says he'll come home every night, that I'm all he needs. He's moving back with us, but having spoken to my sister in Australia about this, she says she would leave without hesitation. He has lied to me, lied about me to his 'lady friends', as seen in his emails, and I feel so betrayed. Does a leopard ever change their spots? When he says these women were 'just friends', am I a complete fool to accept this? I always thought that in a marriage couples create a life 'together' with mutual friends and with a healthy respect and care for one another.

Thanks if you read this - I know, it happens all the time in marriages. You never expect it to happen to you. Ironic that my husband was a Christian when I married him, and that he has always made a point of saying he's 'not like other men', that he's a one-woman man...

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?

[Piraeus]

Hello Jules03. It's nice to meet you. Welcome to Psych Central. I think you should leave the sob. He doesn't deserve you or your son. I don't like it when men cheat. I hope you make the right choice.

Piraeus

[wife22]

Welcome to PC, Jule03
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this betrayal . I'm not sure the person who lied to you or 20 years will change in the matter of fe month.Youve been lonely for most of your marriage,striv

[wife22]

Welcome to PC, Jule03
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this betrayal . I'm not sure the person who lied to you or 20 years will change in the matter of fe month.Youve been lonely for most of your marriage,striving to please him and prioritizing his needs .im not in any position to suggest next step,but I believe I would leave and begin a life ,where I could at least respect myself and not feel as a failure, better feel lonely when you are alone then lonely with a husband.
Peace and love to you

[waiting4]

IMO, your husband is a controlling, manipulative, hypocritical jerk.

Just before I'd walk out the door, I tell him he better save his money for the childsupport and alimony he was going to be paying, and that his next trip was likely going to be perdition.

Take care.

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, however, COMPLETE transparency is needed in such situations. Your husband has been a lying, manipulative arse. If everything was on the up-and-up, he wouldn't feel the need to hide his female friends from you.

I have a friend who is married, and I would never do anything to come between him and his wife. I assume that she has access to all of his communications with me, and as such, I have no problems with it, none at all. That is, that's how it should be, no secrets whatsoever. I don't understand women who engage in any sort of activities with married men beyond friendship. And yes, it sounds like in your case, your husband was more than just friends with these women.

You deserve better. He is probably blowing smoke with his "I will follow you" line. So let him prove it. Move back home. I doubt he will follow.

[catastrophic]

Huge hugs xox you should go home back to your support you will need it over the next few months years xox

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jules03]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply each and everyone of you. ChipperMonkey you were absolutely right - he is completely reversing his promises on me, telling me he was only appeasing me. I barely slept at all last night.

To add further hurt, he said he still believes that it's perfectly okay for him to see female friends one on one, that he sees nothing wrong with it as it's innocent. I tried to explain that if your wife is being hurt by your actions, why would you do this, how could you live with yourself watching what it does to her? The selfishness is killing me in all this. I do intend to go 'home', though he's reversed what he said on that too. He now tells me he could never live in Brisbane, that he hates it there. This is where I need to be. This all came out last night, and we of course slept in separate rooms. He'd wanted to continue on with me as though nothing has happened. He swears he did not cheat - it's like he's in denial or something.

Thanks again, for listening, also for the welcome, the hugs and the wonderful support. xx

Originally Posted by Jules03

Hi - I'm writing hoping someone can help in someway to guide me on this.

I've not been sleeping or eating much of late, and so torn over what to do.

I've been married over 20 years. My husband and I, along with our autistic son, were in America for the past 5 weeks, and are now back in the UK. In the second week in, I discovered that for the past 15 years, my husband has been leading a double life. I find out that he'd lied about having dinner with work colleagues, and that he'd instead met an ex-colleague, a 20-something female for dinner, one on one. I was devastated. His reaction at my discovery and at needing to see his email/texts for reasuurance was anger and I saw a side of him I've never seen, swearing etc. He believed his mail should be private, and normally I'd agree, but under the circumstances, I needed to know. I said to him "As your wife, I've not kept anything from you. If you're just friends, you should have no qualms about proving this to me.' Though of course, the lie changed everything and has naturally destroyed my trust. He eventually relented. He says it was nothing physical, but why lie? What I read, was incredibly hurtful.

Since we moved from Australia to the UK for his work, he has increasingly isolated me. He moved into a flat just after our last son was born, to be closer to his work, rather than move us all. I cried whenever he left for 3 months after that. I realise now that I should have left him then and there, that a husband cares whether his wife is happy or not. I'd left friends and family behind to support him in his career, giving my own up at his request. I have been home educating our son(ASD) and have basically been to hell and back, but he hasn't been here for the bulk of it. I adore my son and he was doing very well education-wise and as I'd always worked with special needs children, I was enjoying teaching him and seeing his progress.

I've since learned that some years back when my husband and my daughter went to the same College for different Art courses, he'd asked her never to tell me that he goes out with other women, as they're just friends and that he felt there was nothing wrong with him doing this.

He has admitted to having friendships both online and at work with many women over the years, even flying to Germany to stay with a woman briefly that he'd worked with, unbeknownst to me after our son was born. He was apparently checking out a possible new job there, but decided not to work there. He admits he's a flirt, and says he is like that with both men and women.

Since I've discovered all this, I've gone through shock mode, the tears, the anger, have thoughts of returning to Australia, getting my family and friends back that I've missed and lost through isolation, and know that I can make it on my own. This man has blamed me our entire marriage for having loved someone before him, and has always said that I should have saved myself for him.

He swears that he loves me, that he never loved these women, and that if I went to Australia, he'd move back too and live down the street from me and never give up on getting me back. He says he won't have female friends anymore. He is giving up his flat and says he'll come home every night, that I'm all he needs. He's moving back with us, but having spoken to my sister in Australia about this, she says she would leave without hesitation. He has lied to me, lied about me to his 'lady friends', as seen in his emails, and I feel so betrayed. Does a leopard ever change their spots? When he says these women were 'just friends', am I a complete fool to accept this? I always thought that in a marriage couples create a life 'together' with mutual friends and with a healthy respect and care for one another.

Thanks if you read this - I know, it happens all the time in marriages. You never expect it to happen to you. Ironic that my husband was a Christian when I married him, and that he has always made a point of saying he's 'not like other men', that he's a one-woman man...

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?

I will say that it is possible to have friends that are of the opposite sex but... when deceit and lying comes into play it speaks otherwise. A man with a trusting wife will not have any secret friends and especially meetings.

Now I say a "trusting wife" to bring into one question I have. Are you a jealous type of woman? Are you one that has had issues with him having friends of the opposite sex and possessive of him? In a situation like that it could make a man lie about it, although I will say it is still wrong on his part.

Even if you're that type of woman, his going out of his way for years to do this says more about his nature than yours. If you were that type of a personality and he loved you as he said you do he would probably have already backed off from seeing other women as friends or otherwise. That's what a trusted husband does.

From experience, I have been with a woman like that and I went out of my way, I never cheated and I never even took a woman to lunch if it was just her. I even went as far as to explain that to my co worker for why I couldn't have lunch with her. I was asked if I had any pretty coworkers and then questioned a lot about it. I went out of my way to never give her reasons to think I was cheating and I never did, emotionally or physically. But I can understand, if that's the case, feeling that "hey I have a right to have my own friends" mentality, and although I never did this I did feel like it was wrong on her part.

Without knowing the nature of your behavior it's hard to say if this is the case, but even if it is, he went further than even just having friends.. by telling your daughter not to speak of it was carrying it way over the top for just having female friends.

Fact is, he says he'll have no more girl friends but at this point you have no reason to believe it. On the side of his actions he should be going out of his way to regain your trust not just expect it and if he's not doing that I'd question his true intentions. He probably still wants his cake and eat it too and will go deeper "undercover" to keep his habit up. He doesn't take girls out on lunch dates and otherwise for years to get just friendship.. sorry, at best he has an addiction to female aattention even if only emotional, it's wrong.

I say at the very least separate from him and give him time to realize how he's broken the trust. Without showing him this consequence I'm afraid he will have no motivation to stop it.

[Jules03]

Thanks for the reply s4ndm4n2006. To answer your question on whether I am the jealous-type, I can safely say I am not. In the past I have welcomed my husband's female friends with their husbands into our home and we have all got along wonderfully together. When I'm told about female friendships that naturally develop through work, and there's no secrecy, then all is well.

It's only the secrecy and the one-one one dinner scenario that is the problem. The breaking of trust. Moving into his flat for 'work purposes' is what led to separate lives and secrets. He formed a whole other life without me, with freedom to do as he pleased. He clearly took advantage of that.

He has a genius IQ and works in IT, and admits to being very arrogant and allowing other women to stoke his ego. He's the ultimate geek. He was bullied and ridiculed in school, never had a girlfriend to speak of until me, and I think that he has been basically enjoying any attention he can get from women and running with it for all he's worth. He says he has no female friends in the workplace at this point in time. At work, he's not well-liked generally, tells me he feels so hated by some and currently has alot of problems there, which is how it's been his entire career through. He's managed to make a couple of male friends here and there, who usually move on. He has a massive ego since successfully flirting and bonding with quite a few women as he has aged from what I can see.

Thanks again for the response. I wrote a post to thank everyone here earlier today, but it doesn't appear to have gone through as yet. In case it doesn't get through(error on my part), then thank you all for taking the tile to respond and offering hugs and wonderful support. xx

[profound_betrayal]

Jules03,
Understandable how hurtful this must have been. I know another 'Christian' who betrayed his wife. Many people say this to mislead others - they're just words. Genuine action & intergrity give 'the Christian concept' true expression.

I think you should go to Australia where your networks and connections are (you'll need them too !! ). You don't have to make a decision right now - just let him know its been years and this is something you need to do.

You need to get away to clear your mind to think properly re 'next steps'. That's all you're doing - nothing drastic. I think you need to take care of the isolation & get support.

Re: his saying he'd return w/ you. * Why wouldn't he say so? Quite frankly, he could do what he wants! You need to be with your support networks. Concentrate on getting there and taking care of you! Ask them for help if you need to.
A lot of men like him say those things- it's seems manipulative. *You are unlike all the women he's been with. He can't trust them - & he knows what he does & how he thinks. He couldn't trust himself! It si to HIS benefit to be with you.

Go to Australia. You don't need to end marriage now (if too much & too drastic) - just go! Let him know you need to get away, need to see your family & friends.

Originally Posted by Jules03

Hi - I'm writing hoping someone can help in someway to guide me on this.

I've not been sleeping or eating much of late, and so torn over what to do.

I've been married over 20 years. My husband and I, along with our autistic son, were in America for the past 5 weeks, and are now back in the UK. In the second week in, I discovered that for the past 15 years, my husband has been leading a double life. I find out that he'd lied about having dinner with work colleagues, and that he'd instead met an ex-colleague, a 20-something female for dinner, one on one. I was devastated. His reaction at my discovery and at needing to see his email/texts for reasuurance was anger and I saw a side of him I've never seen, swearing etc. He believed his mail should be private, and normally I'd agree, but under the circumstances, I needed to know. I said to him "As your wife, I've not kept anything from you. If you're just friends, you should have no qualms about proving this to me.' Though of course, the lie changed everything and has naturally destroyed my trust. He eventually relented. He says it was nothing physical, but why lie? What I read, was incredibly hurtful.

Since we moved from Australia to the UK for his work, he has increasingly isolated me. He moved into a flat just after our last son was born, to be closer to his work, rather than move us all. I cried whenever he left for 3 months after that. I realise now that I should have left him then and there, that a husband cares whether his wife is happy or not. I'd left friends and family behind to support him in his career, giving my own up at his request. I have been home educating our son(ASD) and have basically been to hell and back, but he hasn't been here for the bulk of it. I adore my son and he was doing very well education-wise and as I'd always worked with special needs children, I was enjoying teaching him and seeing his progress.

I've since learned that some years back when my husband and my daughter went to the same College for different Art courses, he'd asked her never to tell me that he goes out with other women, as they're just friends and that he felt there was nothing wrong with him doing this.

He has admitted to having friendships both online and at work with many women over the years, even flying to Germany to stay with a woman briefly that he'd worked with, unbeknownst to me after our son was born. He was apparently checking out a possible new job there, but decided not to work there. He admits he's a flirt, and says he is like that with both men and women.

Since I've discovered all this, I've gone through shock mode, the tears, the anger, have thoughts of returning to Australia, getting my family and friends back that I've missed and lost through isolation, and know that I can make it on my own. This man has blamed me our entire marriage for having loved someone before him, and has always said that I should have saved myself for him.

He swears that he loves me, that he never loved these women, and that if I went to Australia, he'd move back too and live down the street from me and never give up on getting me back. He says he won't have female friends anymore. He is giving up his flat and says he'll come home every night, that I'm all he needs. He's moving back with us, but having spoken to my sister in Australia about this, she says she would leave without hesitation. He has lied to me, lied about me to his 'lady friends', as seen in his emails, and I feel so betrayed. Does a leopard ever change their spots? When he says these women were 'just friends', am I a complete fool to accept this? I always thought that in a marriage couples create a life 'together' with mutual friends and with a healthy respect and care for one another.

Thanks if you read this - I know, it happens all the time in marriages. You never expect it to happen to you. Ironic that my husband was a Christian when I married him, and that he has always made a point of saying he's 'not like other men', that he's a one-woman man...

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?

[Zulu13]

Originally Posted by Jules03

Hi - I'm writing hoping someone can help in someway to guide me on this.

I've not been sleeping or eating much of late, and so torn over what to do.

I've been married over 20 years. My husband and I, along with our autistic son, were in America for the past 5 weeks, and are now back in the UK. In the second week in, I discovered that for the past 15 years, my husband has been leading a double life. I find out that he'd lied about having dinner with work colleagues, and that he'd instead met an ex-colleague, a 20-something female for dinner, one on one. I was devastated. His reaction at my discovery and at needing to see his email/texts for reasuurance was anger and I saw a side of him I've never seen, swearing etc. He believed his mail should be private, and normally I'd agree, but under the circumstances, I needed to know. I said to him "As your wife, I've not kept anything from you. If you're just friends, you should have no qualms about proving this to me.' Though of course, the lie changed everything and has naturally destroyed my trust. He eventually relented. He says it was nothing physical, but why lie? What I read, was incredibly hurtful.

Since we moved from Australia to the UK for his work, he has increasingly isolated me. He moved into a flat just after our last son was born, to be closer to his work, rather than move us all. I cried whenever he left for 3 months after that. I realise now that I should have left him then and there, that a husband cares whether his wife is happy or not. I'd left friends and family behind to support him in his career, giving my own up at his request. I have been home educating our son(ASD) and have basically been to hell and back, but he hasn't been here for the bulk of it. I adore my son and he was doing very well education-wise and as I'd always worked with special needs children, I was enjoying teaching him and seeing his progress.

I've since learned that some years back when my husband and my daughter went to the same College for different Art courses, he'd asked her never to tell me that he goes out with other women, as they're just friends and that he felt there was nothing wrong with him doing this.

He has admitted to having friendships both online and at work with many women over the years, even flying to Germany to stay with a woman briefly that he'd worked with, unbeknownst to me after our son was born. He was apparently checking out a possible new job there, but decided not to work there. He admits he's a flirt, and says he is like that with both men and women.

Since I've discovered all this, I've gone through shock mode, the tears, the anger, have thoughts of returning to Australia, getting my family and friends back that I've missed and lost through isolation, and know that I can make it on my own. This man has blamed me our entire marriage for having loved someone before him, and has always said that I should have saved myself for him.

He swears that he loves me, that he never loved these women, and that if I went to Australia, he'd move back too and live down the street from me and never give up on getting me back. He says he won't have female friends anymore. He is giving up his flat and says he'll come home every night, that I'm all he needs. He's moving back with us, but having spoken to my sister in Australia about this, she says she would leave without hesitation. He has lied to me, lied about me to his 'lady friends', as seen in his emails, and I feel so betrayed. Does a leopard ever change their spots? When he says these women were 'just friends', am I a complete fool to accept this? I always thought that in a marriage couples create a life 'together' with mutual friends and with a healthy respect and care for one another.

Thanks if you read this - I know, it happens all the time in marriages. You never expect it to happen to you. Ironic that my husband was a Christian when I married him, and that he has always made a point of saying he's 'not like other men', that he's a one-woman man...

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?

Jules, my heart goes out to you. I think what your husband has done is utterly despicable, and beyond heartless. I'm sorry, I know that badmouthing him won't change the situation, but I do hope that it helps you understand that you are not to blame for this situation. I don't know all the nuances of your relationship, but from what you have related, it's clear that you're the victim here, and not the aggressor. The bit where he selfishly declares that you should have saved yourself for him is hypocrisy of the highest order, when he is the one who has been leading a double life. It feels to me like he's trying using this tactic to excuse his adulterous behavior, or that he's so insecure that he's been having affairs as a tactic to make himself feel better about not having been your first. It's impossible for me to simply recommend that you either end things, or hang on in the hopes that things will eventually be resolved. Sans straight out advice, I would have to ask you to ask yourself if you truly believes he cares about your children. It's important to determine if he is the sort who only cares about his own happiness, or if he truly accepts the responsibilities of being a father. I would also like to ask if he is loving in all the other ways of being a husband. Again, I know this seems crazy to ask in light of his recent activities, but what I mean is that beyond the scope of his infidelity, did he make you happy? Was he good to you, and your children? If the answer to these two questions is yes, then I think it may be a good idea to seek marriage counseling, or perhaps attempt to have a heart to heart talk with him. I am new to psychcentral, so there will be a bit of a delay between my posting this, and being able to respond to anything you say, but I can see that you're suffering and I do hope things improve in your situation. Here's a hug for you.

[Zulu13]

Originally Posted by Jules03

The question is to stay or to leave? Can trust ever be rebuilt enough to make it work?

I do want to add one more thing. The fact of the matter is that I do feel there's a good chance that he still loves you. In no way am I excusing anything he's done, nor am I suggesting that he should simply be forgiven for his lies to you in the past. As a man, I can tell you that I have made a lot of mistakes in love, and I have been genuinely sorry for the mistakes I've made. I can not say if his apology to you is merely fear of losing the social status of being married, or some other such meaningless drivel, but the two of you are married with children. If you were merely dating, it would make sense to just leave him, but you've a much closer relationship than that, so it does beg the question how much do you want to make it work? Sure, there will always be trust issues, after this, but they can be overcome if you both work at it.