[Compilation]

Hi Everyone, so this is a difficult one for me.

My partner and I have been together for a few years, we've recently had a baby (my partner also has two other children) and we've moved in together, previous to this I lived in my grandparents family home.

I've been incredibly close to my family (grandparents in particular) all my life, moving out was a big thing and I generally would have considered myself very close to them - Which is why this is so difficult.

Long story short, my grand parents don't like my partner and for no good reason. They simply seem to 'disapprove', despite how well mannered, respectful and nice my partner has been towards them, this still continues from their side. There is generally an atmosphere any time my partner is around, which they create with their dry attitudes, and I even dislike them being in the same company or indeed speaking about our lives together to my grandparents.

Until recently my mother and partner had a good relationship. This recently ended due to a fall out between then three of us - I wont get into details of this as it isn't relevant, however my mothers actions were deemed quite serious and when it seemed apparent she wasn't going to accept responsibility for what she'd done, she was asked to leave our house (by my partner).

The result has since been my mother divulging these details to my grandparents, and making their dislike of my partner even worse. My mother ultimately was to blame for our fall out, however she was relayed the situation to my grandparents in a way which belittles her contribution and focuses only on the fact she was asked to leave our house - This has meant that my grandparents are now even worse in terms of their attitude/interest in my family, and they themselves make no effort to understand that my mothers action were not only deserving of being asked to leave, but did indeed cause it to happen.

So ultimately where I am now is stuck in the middle. I no longer speak to my mother, as she insisted on disrespecting my partner and failed to acknowledge her other two children in public (both of which were very hurt by this as they liked my mother), and with two grandparents whom want a relationship with our new baby, but make no efforts to communicate with my partner to make arrangements to see him or have time with him and seemingly just want to rely on me visiting their house with him - Baring in mind I work full time, all week 10 1/2 hours a day. This leaves me no time after work to make visits to ensure they see him, and with only 2 days off and 3 children and a home, I naturally dont get a lot of spare time on the days Im out of work to do so either, nor do I think it should be my responsibility to ensure anyone has a relationship with my son when we all live close to each other and are capable of arranging it ourselves.

So I guess I don't know what to do. I'm hurt over the situation with my mother, and I suppose I'm moving closer to the realisation that my remaining family (despite how great of a childhood I had, and how loved I was made to feel throughout my life) have absolutely no concern for the success or happiness of my relationship and are ultimately negative influences on my life as it is currently.

I'm not sure what anyone would be able to advise here, possibly nothing, but thank you or listening.

[SnakeCharmer]

I never expected my partner to initiate interaction with my parents, siblings or friends or for them to initiate anything with him. They all disapproved at first, but over time they changed their minds and their hearts. They were my weird family and I considered them my problem, not his. I asked him to continue to behave civilly and politely when in their company, even if they acted badly, and if they acted badly, we'd leave without harsh words. Just, "Okay, Gotta go now." They weren't stupid. They soon clearly understood that behaving rudely would chase us away. I considered it their choice to make and I'd accept either their welcome or their rejection.

It took several years for things to shake out and for them to see they were the ones losing out. But, still, I never expected him to initiate anything or to have any relationship with them independent of just accompanying me once in a while. There really was nothing wrong with my partner, except he did not fit their pre-conceived notions or expectations. Again, I decided to say that was their problem, not mine.

In my opinion, and I could be wrong, it's asking way too much to expect your partner to take your child over to visit your grandparents if you expect him to actually remain present in the company of people who don't like him and show it.

If you can trust your grandparents enough to leave your child with them for visits unsupervised by you or your partner, then perhaps you can arrange something like divorced couples do for dropping off and picking up children for visitation hours. Asking him to do that would not be unreasonable if you're working long hours and he isn't. If they refuse to welcome his children, he could then do something fun or special with them so they didn't feel left out.

Those are the kinds of arrangements blended families have to make when various in-laws and out-laws refuse to accept the family as a whole unit. Been there, done that and it works.

If your grandparents can't be trusted, well ... it's just too bad for them. And it's all right to tell them why they don't get to see their grandchild as often as they would like. You don't need to hurl it at them in an accusatory way; just tell them this is how it's going to work because you don't have enough hours in the day to please everyone so you're not going to twist yourself into a pretzel for them if they're not willing to meet you halfway by lightening up their attitude toward your partner.

If they remain firm in their disapproval of him and if they are rejecting toward his children, who are part of your family, just because they don't like him, well, as hard as it may be for you, you may just have to accept that you'll be seeing less of grandma and grandpa. If you love them and like them a lot, you'll find time to visit them with your child once in a while. But it's really okay to stop trying to force people to like each other as one big happy family. When I stopped trying to force things, my family came around and the tension stopped.

Now, your mother ... that's another chapter.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Compilation

Hi Everyone, so this is a difficult one for me.

My partner and I have been together for a few years, we've recently had a baby (my partner also has two other children) and we've moved in together, previous to this I lived in my grandparents family home.

I've been incredibly close to my family (grandparents in particular) all my life, moving out was a big thing and I generally would have considered myself very close to them - Which is why this is so difficult.

Long story short, my grand parents don't like my partner and for no good reason. They simply seem to 'disapprove', despite how well mannered, respectful and nice my partner has been towards them, this still continues from their side. There is generally an atmosphere any time my partner is around, which they create with their dry attitudes, and I even dislike them being in the same company or indeed speaking about our lives together to my grandparents.

Until recently my mother and partner had a good relationship. This recently ended due to a fall out between then three of us - I wont get into details of this as it isn't relevant, however my mothers actions were deemed quite serious and when it seemed apparent she wasn't going to accept responsibility for what she'd done, she was asked to leave our house (by my partner).

The result has since been my mother divulging these details to my grandparents, and making their dislike of my partner even worse. My mother ultimately was to blame for our fall out, however she was relayed the situation to my grandparents in a way which belittles her contribution and focuses only on the fact she was asked to leave our house - This has meant that my grandparents are now even worse in terms of their attitude/interest in my family, and they themselves make no effort to understand that my mothers action were not only deserving of being asked to leave, but did indeed cause it to happen.

So ultimately where I am now is stuck in the middle. I no longer speak to my mother, as she insisted on disrespecting my partner and failed to acknowledge her other two children in public (both of which were very hurt by this as they liked my mother), and with two grandparents whom want a relationship with our new baby, but make no efforts to communicate with my partner to make arrangements to see him or have time with him and seemingly just want to rely on me visiting their house with him - Baring in mind I work full time, all week 10 1/2 hours a day. This leaves me no time after work to make visits to ensure they see him, and with only 2 days off and 3 children and a home, I naturally dont get a lot of spare time on the days Im out of work to do so either, nor do I think it should be my responsibility to ensure anyone has a relationship with my son when we all live close to each other and are capable of arranging it ourselves.

So I guess I don't know what to do. I'm hurt over the situation with my mother, and I suppose I'm moving closer to the realisation that my remaining family (despite how great of a childhood I had, and how loved I was made to feel throughout my life) have absolutely no concern for the success or happiness of my relationship and are ultimately negative influences on my life as it is currently.

I'm not sure what anyone would be able to advise here, possibly nothing, but thank you or listening.

Hey there.....I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and certainly understand how stressful this situation must be, not only for you, but for you partner and the kids. It seems, oddly enough, like the real children in this circumstance are your mother and grandparents, and that is a shame.

My mother, in one of her infrequent moments of lucidity, told my brother and myself that once we were married, that our respective spouses and our children WERE our family and their needs, wants and expectations would be paramount, no matter the possible grievances by our parents or other relatives. This statement was the result of her own issues with her first husbands mother, who was the epitomy of 'monster-in-law'. (great advice, however..because my mother was NPD, not all of her intelligent responses stuck with her..she did end up thrilled with my now exH--to the point where when we divorced she disowned me--but hated my brothers wife--a truly lovely person who has been wonderful for my brother--for no reason at all)

That said, you and the person you've chosen as your life partner and the kids ARE your priority. If the grandparents and your mother choose to act in a disrespective manner to them and to you, that is their problem. If the grandparents can't make the effort to come visit their grand child, again..that is their problem, not yours. Your loyalties and those of your partner, lie with each other and your kids.

It may be difficult for you to deal this way with your mother and grandparents because of the upbringing you had, but honestly.....how is it they were so loving and accepting of you when you were growing up, but suddenly turn into ignorant, hurtful, short sighted people now that you've chosen a mate to spend your life with and to create a family with? If they remain as they are with you now, then I believe I would question a LOT of my previous views regarding my rearing. Those two extremes are NOT compatible in any way, shape or form.

They will either decide to return to the loving family they were as you grew up, or they won't. What is important to remember, is what YOU instill in your child and the children of your partner (who are now, your children as well)...to love and be respectful as well as to be loved and respected.

Take care

[Compilation]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I never expected my partner to initiate interaction with my parents, siblings or friends or for them to initiate anything with him. They all disapproved at first, but over time they changed their minds and their hearts. They were my weird family and I considered them my problem, not his. I asked him to continue to behave civilly and politely when in their company, even if they acted badly, and if they acted badly, we'd leave without harsh words. Just, "Okay, Gotta go now." They weren't stupid. They soon clearly understood that behaving rudely would chase us away. I considered it their choice to make and I'd accept either their welcome or their rejection.

It took several years for things to shake out and for them to see they were the ones losing out. But, still, I never expected him to initiate anything or to have any relationship with them independent of just accompanying me once in a while. There really was nothing wrong with my partner, except he did not fit their pre-conceived notions or expectations. Again, I decided to say that was their problem, not mine.

In my opinion, and I could be wrong, it's asking way too much to expect your partner to take your child over to visit your grandparents if you expect him to actually remain present in the company of people who don't like him and show it.

If you can trust your grandparents enough to leave your child with them for visits unsupervised by you or your partner, then perhaps you can arrange something like divorced couples do for dropping off and picking up children for visitation hours. Asking him to do that would not be unreasonable if you're working long hours and he isn't. If they refuse to welcome his children, he could then do something fun or special with them so they didn't feel left out.

Those are the kinds of arrangements blended families have to make when various in-laws and out-laws refuse to accept the family as a whole unit. Been there, done that and it works.

If your grandparents can't be trusted, well ... it's just too bad for them. And it's all right to tell them why they don't get to see their grandchild as often as they would like. You don't need to hurl it at them in an accusatory way; just tell them this is how it's going to work because you don't have enough hours in the day to please everyone so you're not even going to twist yourself into a pretzel for them if they're not willing to meet you halfway by lightening up their attitude toward your partner.

If they remain firm in their disapproval of him and if they are rejecting toward his children, who are part of your family, just because they don't like him, well, as hard as it may be for you, you may just have to accept that you'll be seeing less of grandma and grandpa. If you love them and like them a lot, you'll find time to visit them with your child once in a while. But it's really okay to stop trying to force people to like each other as one big happy family. When I stopped trying to force things, my family came around and the tension stopped.

Now, your mother ... that's another chapter.

Thank you for the advice.

I never ask my partner to ensure my grandparents see our son, sorry if thats how I came across. I dont expect my partner to make any arrangements, as she (I'm the guy in the scenario, sorry for confusing you there too lol) spends all day at home looking after our house and our baby and doesnt have the time to be thinking of everyone else getting time with him when they have the power to make arrangements themselves.

my problem really is that they act like they should be seeing him more, yet never make any attempt to contact my partner and request to have him for a few hours, never call to our home to see/collect him and really do nothing, other than wait for me to visit with him during one of my very few days off. I have given them my partners phone number, told them she's willing to bring our son to their house if they ring and say they'd like to have him for a while and they've not once made contact to arrange such a thing - All because they don't like her, and she knows this, which is obviously making her reluctant to even send her son to them when they can't even be respectful of her as his mother, and I don't blame them.

How you handled your situation sounds quite good, although Id imagine it was more stressful than it sounds when reading. My partner is easily offended at the best of times, and doesn't see why she should put up with being not being civil in response to her when she is respectful initially, and I don't blame her. Hence I try to keep us being in the same company to a minimum, as it's awkward and offensive and leads to later tension in our own home.

you could argue that my partner should understand and be patient, but I personally don't think she should be. She has no obligation to put up with that behaviour from anyone, and I also wouldn't tolerate it should roles be reversed.

My grandparents can be trusted to look after our baby, it's just they make no effort to see him, then act as though they're being wronged when they eventually dont see him for a while.

[SnakeCharmer]

Compilation, Sorry for giving you the wrong gender

[Compilation]

Originally Posted by waiting4

Hey there.....I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and certainly understand how stressful this situation must be, not only for you, but for you partner and the kids. It seems, oddly enough, like the real children in this circumstance are your mother and grandparents, and that is a shame.

My mother, in one of her infrequent moments of lucidity, told my brother and myself that once we were married, that our respective spouses and our children WERE our family and their needs, wants and expectations would be paramount, no matter the possible grievances by our parents or other relatives. This statement was the result of her own issues with her first husbands mother, who was the epitomy of 'monster-in-law'. (great advice, however..because my mother was NPD, not all of her intelligent responses stuck with her..she did end up thrilled with my now exH--to the point where when we divorced she disowned me--but hated my brothers wife--a truly lovely person who has been wonderful for my brother--for no reason at all)

That said, you and the person you've chosen as your life partner and the kids ARE your priority. If the grandparents and your mother choose to act in a disrespective manner to them and to you, that is their problem. If the grandparents can't make the effort to come visit their grand child, again..that is their problem, not yours. Your loyalties and those of your partner, lie with each other and your kids.

It may be difficult for you to deal this way with your mother and grandparents because of the upbringing you had, but honestly.....how is it they were so loving and accepting of you when you were growing up, but suddenly turn into ignorant, hurtful, short sighted people now that you've chosen a mate to spend your life with and to create a family with? If they remain as they are with you now, then I believe I would question a LOT of my previous views regarding my rearing. Those two extremes are NOT compatible in any way, shape or form.

They will either decide to return to the loving family they were as you grew up, or they won't. What is important to remember, is what YOU instill in your child and the children of your partner (who are now, your children as well)...to love and be respectful as well as to be loved and respected.

Take care

Hi, thank you for your reply - I didnt see it initially.

Everything you said makes sense, and I think your mothers advice was good. Probably similar to what I will pass on myself one day, especially having gone through this.

RE: my upbringing and it being contradictory to now, I agree, this has confused me some what. My mother has a lot of resentment toward my grandparents (although they arent aware of this, she 'suffers in silence' so to speak) as she saw them as controlling toward her, even into her adult life. I believe their disrespectfulness toward my partner is probably an off shoot of that controlling nature - They don't get the opportunity to outwardly tell me what to do like they did with my mother, as I don't respond well to that and stick up for myself more than she would, however it seems they are being passive aggressive in their methods.

They were genuinely amazing grandparents when I was a child, and even before I started to create a life for myself. As theyve got older though they have became more and more negative, and never have been people Ive felt comfortable sharing my social goings on with.

I guess what really makes this difficult is detaching myself from the people I know they can be, and not letting that affect how I treat the people they actually are right now.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Compilation

I guess what really makes this difficult is detaching myself from the people I know they can be, and not letting that affect how I treat the people they actually are right now.

I think this really is the hardest thing. As people age they sometimes, often times regress to what they were raised with...weird in a way. I had an aunt like that. She was outgoing, and very very liberal in her thinking when I was growing up...and then as she got older 60's, 70's its like a pod opened next to her and she became this curmudgeon I'd never known before...just sour and bitter..rarely laughed and complained all the time. Just like she had told me her parents where when she was growing up. Could be a form of dementia ... or another physical manifestation of illness (she passed after several more years of emphysema). I never thought about it except for the confusion of trying to reconcile how she was when I was young, with who she was when I was an adult.

I wish you good fortune...I think your partner and your kids (all of them) are very fortunate to have you in their lives.