FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#1
I need help. I've had this friend for well over 7 years now. I'm having a very hard time trying to be accepting and a good friend over what she is currently doing. This friend is currently married but now has moved on to cheating on her husband. This is not the problem. The problem is that she's cheating on her husband with another married man with a family and very small children. He (the boyfriend) has told her in a round about way that he just doesn't know when he will be leaving his family to be with her. Because he loves his children so much. He has put her thru many rough times during this affair and well as what I think a good friend should do I've been there. Well in short of course she is still seeing this person. I can't help but be infuriated by all the hurtful things that have been done to her. Now I know full well she is a grown woman and she is capable of making up her own decisions and I can't do anything about it. Although I've told her straight up that it bother's me that he does these things to her I still care and will listen without criticism. I know her life is complicated and that she has decisions to make on her own. What is truly bothering me and what I don't know how to handle is that when I ask how she is she is very angry with me and short and states nothing is wrong and she is fine. Yet not even 10 minutes later she's crying and telling other's her problems. Now I as her best friend do get hurt by this action but I know she has a choice as to whom she wishes to be with or not be with. What I don't like is that she will calls me out on not checking on her (because she doesn't really reply) or constantly trying to support her. How can I want to with this kind of a cold reception? Second of all I unfortunately work with her and this boyfriend of hers. So the situation is compounded this much more. She almost will be very smug while around him. And will be pretty dismissive of me. She will ask how I am doing but it feels like if it is out of complete obligation not because there is a genuine care. At all. So my question I guess is how do I handle this whole scenario? I've remained very cordial in the friendship. And I think maybe our friendship has run it's course. I just hate having to see her play the I've got lots of friends and they like me more game. It's hurtful and infuriating. Help the very frustrated, confused, annoyed friend.
|
Reply With Quote |
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 4,889
10 3,790 hugs
given |
#2
Oh boy, that's a very complicated situation!
My guess is that the avoidance is directly related to the fact that she is having an affair and that the three of you work together. Your knowledge is dangerous to her and to her affair partner. As far as handling the whole scenario... it sounds like she is distancing herself. I don't really have any ideas about how you can stop that from happening given the dramatic dynamics, but maybe someone else will. Would you be okay with letting this friendship go? |
Reply With Quote |
grinch11, unaluna, waiting4
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#3
Quote:
I know you're saying she's an adult and can make her own decisions but the question isn't that, it's whether or not as her friend you should support something like this. If you're ok with cheating, then so be it, support her as best you can but i get the feeling deep down even though you say "it's not the problem" I think you do have a problem with cheating. If you do what kind of a statement are you making that it's ok with you? You have no moral obligation to support someone that you know is bringing her own pain and suffering into her own life by cheating. Tell her that you support her as a friend but not in the adulterous behavior. Anything that has to do with her adultery partner (I refuse to call it a boyfriend) you need to opt out of supporting her in. If she's doing waht she's doing and crying about it, I have no sympathy for someone that sacrifices the feelings of others and their needs (her husband, the partner's wife and kids) and then expects support and sympathy herself, it's a completely selfish position to take. She is putting you in a difficult situation here and you deserve better. It matters sure, that you've known her for years but all the more that you need to step away from her until she gets her head on straight. Perhaps NOT supporting her will give her the wake up call she needs. And.. regardless of if there are kids involved or not, if she is with a man that is married and he's not in an OPEN relationship where his wife knows what's going on, it's deceit and 100% cheating, not anything less and I don't care what angle someone looks at it, it's wrong. You need to move on if only for awhile until her clear path of destruction meets it's inevitable end or she comes to grips with the reality of what she is doing. |
|
Reply With Quote |
brainhi, grinch11
|
Grand Member
Member Since Dec 2013
Location: las vegas
Posts: 988
10 981 hugs
given |
#4
Quote:
My advice, for what its worth, is not to explain to her that you'll 'be there' for her--you're under no obligation to do so at this point, and that's based on her treatment of YOU not on her treatment of her husband--just step back and maintain the 'cordial' relationship you have indicated you are doing now. The friendship HAS run it's course, and she's the one who ran it into the ground. It is not up to you to teach her she's wrong, by your actions. At this point, its only up to you to salvage whats left of your own self-esteem because she seems to have done a jolly job of stomping on that as much as stomping on her husbands because, fact is............when a man or woman is being cheated on...they KNOW it. They may not admit it right away, but for 99.9% of those cheated on...they KNOW it. If her husband is still hanging on....his self-esteem is swirling the toilet she's trying to flush you down. Just put her into the 'acquaintance bin'...'friendly without commitment' etc. Refuse invitations out with her (if she bothers to ever ask again) because you have prior commitments. Refuse to be the sob shoulder she requires on occasion because you ARE the only one who REALLY knows...because you have prior commitments. Don't be rude. Just be distant. She either will, or won't get her act together, but since you are not her keeper, or her mother, it is not up to you to get her to that place. That is up to her, and her 'adulterous partner'. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I've been where you are right now, and I would save you the confusion and ultimate hurt/betrayal when she decides to turn on you for 'knowing too much', and that could happen when the house of glass she's built for herself shatters, or if she just decides she can't take the added pressure of a 'tell tale heart' beating too close to her...which btw, might not even be her idea. She's listening to her AP drum now, darlin. Yours got lost in the forest of integrity. Take care. __________________ Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
|
Reply With Quote |
brainhi, grinch11
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#5
Quote:
Thank you for your reply. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#6
Quote:
Thank you for your response. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#7
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#8
Quote:
Quote:
Glad you're seeing you should step away from this. I do agree not getting in her face or having standoffs with her, considering that you work together is a good idea. |
||
Reply With Quote |
grinch11, waiting4
|
Member
Member Since Dec 2011
Posts: 290
12 |
#9
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
grinch11, waiting4
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#10
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Dec 2011
Posts: 290
12 |
#11
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
grinch11, waiting4
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 4,889
10 3,790 hugs
given |
#12
Because you work with her, I would let it fade. Treat her the way you would treat any work acquaintance, politely. I would not confront her given the whole dynamic you described. The situation is too volatile. I also would not say anything negative about her boyfriend -- I get the feeling that she tells him what you say and that's why he is sort of cool with you at work.
This could also be a temporary break in your friendship rather than a complete ending, if that worked for you. Would you want to resume some sort of relationship if she came to her senses and ended this affair? Sooner or later it's going to blow up and she may come looking for you... In terms of letting it fade, I would busy myself with new friends and/or new social situations. Take a class. Be too busy to think about her or see her. Losing people we once loved and spent a lot of time with is hard and it just takes time to get over it. |
Reply With Quote |
grinch11, waiting4
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
10 |
#13
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Reply |
|