 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
 |
|
Forums Index
|
| Reply |
| Thread Tools | Display Modes |
|
|
Forums Index
|
| Reply |
| Thread Tools | Display Modes |
|
#1
May 02, 2014, 02:46 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I am a twenty-year-old student and my boyfriend is a working man.
A couple of months ago I started thinking I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. It developed into a true and full on anxiety that I had to leave him. Now, after 4 or 5 months of feeling constant fear that I don't love him anymore, I'm scared I actually don't anymore. It's so weird and it is killing me. I so desperately want to love him again. We could talk for hours and about everything. Now I'm just constantly thinking that I believe he's not as funny anymore, why do I have to start every conversation we have (I know that in my right mind, this doesn't actually bother me at all, because I'm a talker, I need a listener) My laugh seems forced but I still long to feel his skin, to make love to him, to kiss him... When it is one on one talking, I'm just constantly focussing on how I don't feel like I'm in love. How I'm not proud of him anymore, why I constantly have an anger or frustration... He is the single most amazing man and when he is talking about marriage or kids, I'm actually flooded with happiness. I'm so confused, I don't know what I should think. I don't want to break up with him because I would lose HIM. I'm not scared of being alone, not at all! I'm not scared of finding someone new because I believe that there are many 'ones', many people that could make me happy. But i do not want to lose him... Why am I so scared, why can't I feel love anymore, why can't we talk as much anymore, why don't I feel this passion anymore. Why is everything too normal... I don't know, he deserves a woman who adores him cause he is worth adoration. I'm killing him every time we have a conversation about this... How can I open up again, I feel so lonely in this relationship and it is all my doing because he is trying so hard to reach me. I just block him. Out of fear of not getting hurt. He is my first relationship and I want him to be my last. He has so much to give to the world and he wants to give me sooo much. I want to open up again but something is blocking me. I've built a mental wall or something, to keep me from him. I can't reach him and he can't reach me and something has to change ! (been together 1 year and 8 months (been feeling like this for 4 months)) I need to grow up!! |
 waiting4
|
|
#2
May 02, 2014, 10:13 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
Everything you say about him, leads me to believe you ARE in love with him, and for all the right reasons (especially your comment that you're not afraid of being alone, just of losing him). My advice, for what its worth, is rather than bringing this painful subject up with him (forcing him to struggle against something he doesn't understand, anymore than you do--and possibly messing with his belief and trust in the two of you being together in the future)...why not try couples counseling? Someone objective could give you more insight into how and what your feeling, and help both of you work it thru. If he is the man you say he is, and is someone you don't want to lose, then I strongly suggest you do that. It could be helpful....and it certainly can't hurt. Take care 
__________________
 Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
|
#3
May 02, 2014, 04:17 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
The one point I keyed on was he is your first relationship and you want him to be your last. From experience I can tell you that you need to get out there and experience more. You have no way of knowing if he is the right person for you if you have nothing to compare it to.
A first love is always going to be a special person and will always maintain a place in your heart so I can understand the reluctance to leave. He is the only (relationship) happiness you have ever experienced and you don't want to hurt him. However it is better to hurt him (and yourself) now before you make a commitment that you may regret down the road. Getting married and having kids requires a long and painful U-turn if you went in the wrong direction. Besides if you explain to him that you need time to sort out your feelings for him, if he really does love you and want to be with you then he will be there when you are ready to come back. |
|
#4
May 04, 2014, 10:19 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Why don't you trust your feelings that you don't love him?
|
|
#5
May 04, 2014, 01:47 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Excellent point, hvert. If you keep thinking you don't love him, there has to be a reason for that. Those feelings don't normally happen (especially on a regular basis) with a person who is happy with their relationship.
Like my mother used to say when I wanted to go steady with someone--"Play the field! You're only young once!" and she was so right. You need to date other guys because it's not fair to him if you stay with him, and aren't happy. I have to agree that this sounds like a "honeymoon" relationship, and now that the novelty is over, so are your feelings. Only you can decide, but the vibes I'm getting are very strong in the direction of you really wanting to be able to date other men, but feeling that you shouldn't because you're in a relationship. It's great to be loyal like that, but not at the cost you and he will both pay if you don't start listening to yourself, and your instincts. |
|
#6
May 04, 2014, 03:01 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I think you really do care for this guy.You say you want to spent the rest of your life with him.You dont say this about someone who you dont hold in high regard.
You also seem too think imo that your not good enough for him, with statements like "he deserves to be adored etc".Well if he deserves it and you see that then thats all that matters.Its obvious when you start talking about marriage and kids things might get a bit scary and make you doubt it, and things start crossing your mind like "is he the one" "can i see myself with him forever".This is natural though because these things are a massive decision in life and any normal person would think the same. Just take life as it comes, u seem to have a great guy and from wht you wrote i really do think you love him, dont push him away because these things are crossing your mind.Speak too him about how you feel.You dont want too rush into breaking up or something and regret it, because that will cause you more pain that what your feeling at the moment. |
|
#7
May 04, 2014, 03:59 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
|
|
#8
May 05, 2014, 10:20 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I am 27 years old and just a few months ago i went through the same problem/ feelings as you. I kind of agree with soccordad, you need to experiece things! You are young (20) and a student. No one that age should be strapped down. 8/10 it does end badly. Plus. You dont know what hes thinking. Why dont you let him read what you wrote here and go from there... never know.
Sent from my SCH-S738C using Tapatalk |
|
#9
May 05, 2014, 11:13 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I still long to feel his skin, to make love to him, to kiss him...
is this not love? sounds like love to me, sounds like your having issues with anxiety and the embarrassment of him, but in the same breathe (as you did with love) you make sound like your proud of him talking about marriage and kids, and paint him as a hero you sound confused, I think your really over thinking this, you need to look into why? if you already have a therapist I think this would be a great discussion. |
|
#10
May 06, 2014, 12:02 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
|
|
#11
May 16, 2014, 10:37 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
you hurt him now by leaving, he might not take you back later when you discover it was love. then it will be too late.
Last edited by jadeprincess01; May 16, 2014 at 10:38 PM. Reason: typo |
 trying2survive
|
|
#12
May 19, 2014, 07:24 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
That all screams OCD to me, in all honesty. Take yourself over to that side of PC, and ask about it. I have OCD, ... I'm no doctor, but that's classic OCD thinking. (have also had similar fears in relationships; it's very damaging)
__________________
{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil [ `id -u` -eq 0 ] || exit 1 |
|
#13
Jun 16, 2014, 05:03 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I think you are right about the ocd... It's been two months. I understand the playing the field thing but you see... I can't imagine someone better then him. I've had anxiety before in my life and yes, maybe I am not mature enough to have a relationship that will result in marriage and yes, that scares the hell out of me, not having 'played the field'. But I know I would go for the same kind of guy, the same personality, the same looks. I would go out with a copy of him. I am scared to commit at 19 because I know that is what he has in mind and I'm in my opinion still too young. But is that worth losing an amazing guy? A guy with the same visions, who wants the same life? I'm still living in anxiety every day but when I read about the 'you should break up'-posts I wanted to puke. I really wanted to throw up. And I love the comments that say: oh it will end well. Maybe I shouldn't take the relationship so seriously? I overthink everything and I'm still disconnected... I'm not emotionally mature enough to be in a marriage-relationship but he is great and I know he is the one I should be with to have a balanced relationship.
|
|
#14
Jun 16, 2014, 07:12 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I can relate. I went through something similar with my now husband when I was about your age, probably a bit older. Honestly, I can't remember what I did about it... Sorry, that's not much help.
What do you mean that everything is "just too normal"? What do you feel/think it should be like? Does it feel like you're growing up too fast? You mention that he's a "working man." What does that mean? Is he a bit older? Do you feel like he's pressuring you to settle down now? Is he supportive of your goals? You're young and you guys haven't even been together two years. There's no need to rush or starting planning your wedding now. You should be focusing on yourself, on doing what makes you happy, figuring out who you are. You don't have to be single to do this; you just need to make more of an effort for "me" time. Therapy can be helpful for this. You're right, marriage isn't right for you right now. But that doesn't mean it won't be right later on and with this same guy. Slow down, focus on yourself (not on the "what if"s), and enjoy the moment. Once you figure out who you are*, everything else will sort of fall into place. Whether or not that's with him, no one can say for sure, but there's no reason to worry about it now. *The phrase "figure out who you are" is so unhelpful. But I don't know how else to put it. It's also very anxiety-inducing in its own right. But you have to figure out what you're passionate about, what you want out of life, how you're going to make it happen, and then start at the beginning without worrying whats going to happen 10 years from now, 5 years, next week. Create a mission statement for yourself. Then whenever you do something, ask yourself "Is this going in the direction of my mission statement?" and don't worry about all the what if's. Much easier said than done, I know. PS, my husband was my only "real" relationship and we dated for 7 years before we got married. I never doubt that he's the love of my life and being with him was, and continues to be, the best decision of my life. |
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
