[thickntired]

Hi,

My husband is 11 years my senior, smokes cigarettes and drinks large amounts of red wine. I got sober 1 1/2 years ago so I'm a new person. My husband told me when I started AA that I wouldn't last because this will be the same as my gym membership. I know this is unfair, but I see him as being weaker because he can't quit his addictions. In Al-anon they wouldn't ever say that because it's a disease, the person is sick and so forth.

The link to the wheel of abuse is below. I see all my husband's characteristics in many of these behaviors.

The Duluth Model - Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs - DAIP

[whoflungpoo]

i have been sober for about 2 years now and you shouldn't let someone come in the way of your sobriety. sobriety is a really, really big thing to someone that understands it and it's very unfair and selfish of someone to disrespect it by drinking in front of you and telling you that you won't make it. it's almost as if he wants you to fail, sadly.. i know this may be hard but personally if someone was doing this to me i would try moving on, if he doesn't want to help himself, i'm sure you know this but nobody else can help him without him wanting it.
since you're sober now with some clean time, you see things in a new light. one of the big ones is your relationships with people... you can detect which relationships are healthy or unhealthy and depending on how high you value your sobriety depends on which relationships you need to terminate and which relationships you keep.
but this is just my personal experience, i'm sure i've made mistakes along the way but i hope this helps.

good luck

[thickntired]

Thank you for your reply, whoflungpoo - great name btw
You bring up some very valid and I think true statements. Congrats on your 2 years. He drinks outside in the garage, but when he's buzzed or drunk it disgusts me and I remove myself from the situation. I think you might be right that he wants me to fail. All my past running buddies wanted that as well probably because it's a validation of their moderation. I do not think my husband will ever get sober at 55 years old he has been drinking and smoking cigarettes as long as I've been alive. And the knowledge I'm picking up is new as I'm a different person. I'm on ssdi so moving out would mean going to my parent's house. That would Imo drive me crazy. I'm working with a therapist on this and gaining control over my life. No longer seeking his approval has set me free.

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[Raindropvampire]

keephopealive.org

A friend of mine was on SSDI and got away from her terrible marriage by finding housing through them. Also people she met through them got her in contact with an attorney that helps pro bono on certain divorce cases. Based on what her husband made she was able to get spousal support which helped her make ends meet as well.

Good luck to you

Edit: I don't know why the link won't work but that is the site she used

[thickntired]

Thank you, Rain. I thought about a roommate, but I'm not in my twenties or looking for drama I would room with a sober gay guy, but I'm pretty sure I can't put that on Craigslist. I haven't been married 10 yrs, it's 7 this year, so I'm not yet eligible for his social security. I have an AA friend in government housing which I would probably make that cut on income.

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[healingme4me]

Congratulations on your sobriety.
I see many words of judgment. Drinking and smoking is his choice. Sobriety is now your choice.
It stinks that he used a mocking choice of words about your sobriety.
You listed the violence wheel, are you in physical danger? Have you expressed how you won't accept a mocking tone? Does he name call you?
You are changing, is there a realization you two have nothing in common?

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[thickntired]

Thank you for your post, healing4me. When we both used he was definitely verbally abusive. I pulled him in for a therapy session on that and he cried. He is a total macho guy not sensitive so I think he was upset. He doesn't praise me for sobriety but he has never encouraged me to relapse. I do know he has a problem. He is on his feet all day as a contractor. When he gets home most days he stands in the garage, which is 90+ degrees, drinks warm red wine out of a box and smokes camel lights. WTH?! Who does that? I don't think I'm codependent, but I want a partner which can be difficult with my mental illnesses.

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[thickntired]

And we don't have much in common, but we also never shared a foundation on partying. He hated pot and me driving drunk. My ex - fiancé was a relationship built on drugs. I'm also reading about the whole women marrying father figures deal. My father loves me but was emotionally absent.

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