[Mapper]

So about 10 days ago my SD (16) came up for her scheduled visit. We are supposed to get her every 3rd weekend and for the entire month of August but she doesn't like being away from her friends for that long so we compromised on 1 week in June, 1 week in July and 2 weeks in August. The June visit went okay and then the July visit got pushed back a few weeks as she made plans for the week she was supposed to come up and we let her do it. She has always had issues with her father and he and her mom split up (never married) when she was 2 and I believe she was told some very nasty things about her dad (dad never wanted to be part of your life, etc) from her mom as her mom seems like a a very vindictive person and the girl seems to worship the ground that she walks on. You know, whatever bad stuff the mother says about the father MUST be true and whatever the father says about the mother is total BS even though neither of them should be badmouthing the other! So the night she got here was not fun as she was mopey and wouldn't look up from texting the entire time she was here. Her dad tried to get her to smile and open up be just kind of getting in her face and tickling her (I admit that it IS annoying when he does that). She tells him to stop but he doesn't and then she stands up with raised fist and says 'Would you f****** stop it?!" He immediately stopped and gave her a lecture that she is not to use that language towards him and we go to bed in a very uncomfortable house. The next day he takes off work to be with her and when I get home she is complaining that he wanted to do stuff with her all day and she just wanted to be left alone and relax but then asks me if we can go do something fun. I can tell there is tension between them and she is just not happy and rolling her eyes at everything. We go get pizza and go to the grocery store and she stomps into her room and slams the door to get changed because she doesn't want to come (even though she is constantly asking to go do something). Texts the entire time and barely says 10 words. Whenever my husband leaves to go down another aisle in the store she bad mouths him. We get back home and she knocks over his drink while opening the pizza box and does nothing to clean it up and continues texting. By this time H has had it with her attitude and her constant texting and tells her to put down the phone and eat dinner. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head no and he says "Go to your room". Well that's when the sh** hit the fan! She screams "I f***** hate you and I f***** hate being here! You aren't my dad, you've never been my dad. I hate you, I loathe you, I abhor you!" This screaming went on for about 30 minutes while there were several calls between them and the mother. The neighbor came over to see if everything was okay followed by the cops showing up at the door who then left when they saw nobody was hurt. She wasn't going to stay another minute and he didn't want her to since she was so irrational and saying she was going to leave through the window so I took her back down to meet someone she was going to stay with until she could get back to her mother's the next day.

This whole thing was horrible! Terrible things were said on both sides. This exact thing happened between them about 2 1/2 years ago although this happened over the phone. Basically the same "I hate you, you aren't my father" occurred then too. Back then he tried calling and leaving messages and had shouting matches with her mother over why this occurred. About 8 months went by before she finally came around and spoke to him again. Then however about 6 months later she was complaining to us about how she hated living with her mom and her mom's boyfriend and wanted to live with us! Funny how she said twice how she hates him and abhors him but then gets all lovey and wants to live with us! Something is going on with her.

Well this time my husband says he is done. He has said this before but then a few days later always gives in and tries calling and not getting any response or sending presents and not getting a thank you. He has given her so many expensive gifts that she never uses or says thank you to. Well it has been 10 days and he hasn't called or contacted her in any way and neither has she. He told me last night that he doesn't think she'll ever be back and even if she did want her to come back, he doesn't really want her there because he can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. He even told me that she was just a mean little girl. I can just see her telling everyone he doesn't care about her because he isn't calling her but if he called her she wouldn't pick up and go "serves him right".

I realize that this isn't the way to go about it, but this has happened so much that I can understand his frustration and just not wanting to try anymore. What can you do at this point to repair things, or can you? Is he right to just let things be for now?

[AspenGirl]

So sorry you all went through that. Screaming matches are draining and traumatic. I think there are a lot of deeper feelings that aren't being said. I think there is definitely love there between daughter and father, as well as hurt feelings. If I were in your husband's situation, I would write her a letter from the heart. Tell her that you love her, tell her you want her to be in your life. Tell her your feelings were hurt because she acted like she didn't want to be there, etc. Send the letter and then step back and let things happen as they may. I hope that helps. I hope you all find your way back to each other.

[Puglife]

The bottom line is she is 16 years old and he is the adult. Her behavior is pretty typical teenage behavior and quite honestly your H sounds like a jerk. Giving expensive gifts isn't a substitute for being a good parent. He should be calling everyday and not "giving up" even if she doesn't answer. She needs to know that he isn't giving up on her. I think the two of them need to be in family therapy together.

[healingme4me]

Teens whip out the I hate you's, all the time. Sorry you feel that way, that's not how I feel about you, stated a couple times, seems appropriate.
It's more difficult, when separated parents cannot get on the same page. If kids, are supposed to come first, your H and his exes heated arguments, are more self motivated, less kid centered.
Blaming the ex, is blame. Not accountable for the father daughter relationship, as a separate entity.
Clearly, however, it's currently, highly dysfunctional.
Not certain of how to repair, but I can appreciate the sensitivity to the poor behavior, the difficulty, and the effects her behavior has had on your home.
There would need to be strict rules, in her return, cannot have an escalation such as that without consequences. Written out, and with her mothers agreeing to encourage the need for such rules. Eyes rolled? Bye bye cell phone.
A tough love approach. But in a way, that reaches out, extending the offer, if she chooses to visit or if she is, to visit again.
Perhaps, your h can address this with an individual counselor?
If he finds, he needs to step away, once addressed, can be done with a clear conscience, at least.

[SnakeCharmer]

The place where I got hung up in your post was here:

Her dad tried to get her to smile and open up be just kind of getting in her face and tickling her (I admit that it IS annoying when he does that). She tells him to stop but he doesn't and then she stands up with raised fist and says 'Would you f****** stop it?!" He immediately stopped and gave her a lecture that she is not to use that language towards him

Oh, dear. Here's a notice to all fathers, step-fathers, uncles and grandfathers: Keep your hands off the bodies of teenage girls. Stay out of their faces. Your attentions are not only unwelcome, they give the message that the girl has no right to her own body space.

Your husband blew it. He doesn't recognize proper boundaries. When a girl asks you to stop touching her body, you stop. He didn't. Her reaction may have been crude and disrespectful, but it was the right reaction. Men who keep grabbing deserve a fist in the face and ordered to F****** stop. At 16, she's old enough to stand up for herself. Good for her. And shame on your husband for forcing her to such drastic actions and emotions.

Yeah, the girl's behavior is obnoxious and maybe her mom doesn't say nice things, but there's nothing either you or your husband can do about that. But he can change the way he interacts with her. He's so tone deaf when it comes to parenting a teenage girl that it's no wonder she was in such an ugly mood after being alone with him all day.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm a step-mother myself to a daughter who was a less than splendidly-behaving teenager. But she grew up into an okay adult and we put all the ugly teenage scenes behind us.

I don't know if this relationship can be salvaged. I think your husband needs therapy badly or parenting classes or something. Until he's willing to acknowledge that he doesn't know how to parent a teenage girl and that he made some serious mistakes, I don't know if it's even safe for his daughter to be in your home. Unless your husband changes his way of interacting drastically, you have a situation that could easily escalate to violence.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this thorny issue.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

The place where I got hung up in your post was here:

Oh, dear. Here's a notice to all fathers, step-fathers, uncles and grandfathers: Keep your hands off the bodies of teenage girls. Stay out of their faces. Your attentions are not only unwelcome, they give the message that the girl has no right to her own body space.

Your husband blew it. He doesn't recognize proper boundaries. When a girl asks you to stop touching her body, you stop. He didn't. Her reaction may have been crude and disrespectful, but it was the right reaction. Men who keep grabbing deserve a fist in the face and ordered to F****** stop. At 16, she's old enough to stand up for herself. Good for her. And shame on your husband for forcing her to such drastic actions and emotions.

Yeah, the girl's behavior is obnoxious and maybe her mom doesn't say nice things, but there's nothing either you or your husband can do about that. But he can change the way he interacts with her. He's so tone deaf when it comes to parenting a teenage girl that it's no wonder she was in such an ugly mood after being alone with him all day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.