[Mapper]

So I tell H last week when I get home that I am going out with my friend this Tuesday after work. His first response was "Oh yeah?" in an actual nice tone like "good for you", but then that immediately turned into "Oh fine I see how it is. Go do your pub crawl with her and not me that's fine" I then tell him "It's not a pub crawl it's dinner. We can still do the pub crawl after work some day". He goes "No no that's fine. Go have your fun and I'll just party it up here". I got real quiet and walked out of the room wanting to cry. Then about an hour later she called me to finalize plans and I wasn't on the phone with her for more than 30 seconds before he comes in the room and says really loud while I'm talking to her "Oh is that my competition on the phone with you"? This is his response EVERY damn time I make plans to go do something with a friend or if there's an activity after work with co workers. I haven't gone out with my friend (or anyone else for that matter!) in almost 6 months and I haven't done an after work activity since February because I always get this same response and it upsets me so much that I don't even want to go out because I don't want to deal with it. When I made plans to go out to lunch and a play with my friend back in January H told me "I'm glad to see you getting out of the house. I wish you'd go out and do more things on your own". Now I get this sarcastic response if I dare go do something without him.

He came up to me later that night and said "What's wrong with you? Why are you so quiet?" I tell him that I'm tired of his snarky attitude to me for going out. He immediately starts laughing and goes "Oh my god woman I am not being snarky! I am just joking! I am fine with you going out. Like I said, I'll just be partying it up here." I say "I wish you would be nice about it then". He then does a fake "Okay I hope you have a good time" and rolls his eyes and walks away in a huff. Of course he turned this all around on me and made me feel like I was the one with the problem.

Why is it so damn hard for him to just say nicely "Oh that's great. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get home". Why does it always turn into this big production of a guilt trip which he then turns into me being too sensitive because he was just kidding the whole time??

Then a whole new twist happened yesterday when his 16 year old daughter came for a week long visit. H was tired all day. He didn't get out of bed until about 10AM, then went back to bed at noon, but didn't sleep. Got up at 1PM and was up for an hour before going back to lay down. Got up at about 2:45 and took off at 3 to pick up D. Got home at about 5PM and had something to eat and decided he was tired and went to bed at 6PM! Meanwhile D and I sat up on the couch and watched tv, like we always do. I turned down the volume and tried to talk in soft tones. He had the fan on as well which should have drowned out a majority of any noise. I go to bed at 8:30 and he is wide awake. I ask if he slept and he says a little bit between all the stomping around and door slamming you did. Okay if by "stomping around" you mean getting off the couch every once in a while to go to the bathroom or the kitchen then yes we were stomping around and if by "door slamming" you mean opening and closing the front door as quietly as possible to let the cats in and out then yes we were slamming doors! If it were the other way around and I was trying to sleep he and D would have a movie on the surround sound at 1000 decibels and talking and laughing in normal tones with no effort to turn anything down. You went to bed at 6PM so don't blame me if you can't sleep! People are mowing and revving cars and WE are the reason you can't sleep??!!

Then he gets upset because she and I are spending time together and not him and her. We are ganging up on him. Or if I tell him that she wants to go to the mall and I'll take her then he gets all pissy because it's once again "Oh fine I see how it is. You two want to hang out without me, I get it. No fine go do your girl stuff". Then get away from your computer and take her to do things! She already said to me last night when H went to bed "We should go do something this week. Can you take a day off?" Ugh. No I can't take a day off and I hate the fact that I already have to be stressed out about taking you someplace when I get home from work and probably pissing DH off in the process because you brought it up to me and not him. I'm the one she always goes to to do stuff and DH is oblivious to it all thinking she's having the time of her life sitting in front of the tv while he plays his video game or works on his bike.

Oh and I am cancelling dinner with my friend tomorrow night. After hearing how we were keeping him awake last night I don't want to have to remind him tonight that I am having dinner with her tomorrow and won't be home until 9PM or so and have him get all sarcastic about me going out and leaving him and SD on their own while I go out and have fun. I just don't want to deal with it because it will put me in a bad mood and that bad mood will show with her. Although I'm sure he doesn't even remember that I was going out with her and later this week he'll say "Weren't you going out with her this week?" and I'll tell him that I cancelled and he will blow a gasket that I cancelled on her and will say "Is this because of my reaction to you the other day? I was JUST kidding. You need to take a joke" It doesn't matter if I go out or not..it will be wrong either way!

[gayleggg]

Your husband sounds very controling. I was in that situation for 24 years before I decided I'd had enough guilt dumped on me. Does your husband work? Seems like he could get and do something with his daughter. She must feel very alone with way her father treats her. Next time you make plans with your friend keep them and tune him out.

[kaliope]

i am so sorry you are dealing with this. i lived this way for 12 years. it is mental and emotional abuse. the man controlled everything i did and everything i did was wrong. all i wanted was to be loved. he doled out the sweethearts and darlings just sparingly enough to keep me hoping. had me convinced i could never make it without him. turned out i was supporting his ***. i had more money after i left him than i ever did with him. but you describe him to a t. i was never allowed to go out with my friends. god forbid somebody call me and take up his phone, what if one of his friends wanted to call? had to watch what he wanted to watch on tv and god forbid we make noise and he cant hear it. go to bed when he wanted to go to bed so i didnt disturb his sleep by coming in after and dont ever move in bed. dont ever move any of his things so he cant find them later but then he would complain about how i never cleaned. i have been alone since leaving that relationship because i cant bear the idea of having another man control me. i dont want to give up my remote or my freedom to move in bed or cook anytime i feel like it instead of on demand. i love my freedom. think about it. take care.

[Puglife]

Don't cancel your plans for tomorrow night! First off, it will give him a chance to hang out with his daughter. Secondly, you are an adult and have every right to spend time with your friends from time to time. Your H sounds like a manipulative, controlling baby. I think you should insist on marriage counseling because his behavior is not okay.

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, he is hoping you will cancel.....and then it will be something else.

[winter4me]

Strongly agree with Puglife. As long as you react to his behavior by doing what you think he wants you to do it will never stop. Don't cancel your plans. Remind him he is "joking" in a light voice/attitude if he becomes snarky. If he won't go for counseling with you, do find a good support for yourself! I have learned, you are unlikely in the future to regret what you have "done", more likely to regret those things "not done"...

[healingme4me]

He doesn't sound the type to be pleased. Don't isolate from your friends on his behavior. I get it's easier to cave in, and appease than to deal with his childish behavior, but honestly, your friends matter, too.

If he's feeling oh, so left out, and truly sees how it is, he'll get off his lazy behind and plan some father daughter time.

Doesn't he appreciated her?

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[Perna]

I think you are putting too much weight on his reactions and not enough on what you want. You were as quiet as you could be when he was trying to sleep and you know that. That he did not sleep was his problem, not yours, you did the best you could to facilitate his sleeping. You cannot control what he will say, how he will say it, etc. and wanting a particular response worded in a particular way that you hear a particular way, all without telling him, "Gee I'd rather you said, 'That's great, go out and have a great time'," is asking a bit much? He sounds snarky to you but that does not mean he is/is not, he may just be a lousy kidder. I would have kidded back, especially about the "competition," probably throwing in some highly unlikely sexual innuendos while I was at it to further amuse him. I would not "tell" him when I was going out, I would invite him too, making it sound so "girly" he'd beg me not to make him go with :-) and promising to tell all the good gossip when I got home around 9:00.

[-jimi-]

He sounds hurt and envious and cannot control it. When he can later, he probably cannot understand how emotions could be so strong making him be irrational. Then trying to save face.

If this is a constant pattern he needs help. I hope you live somewhere where men actually "can" have issues and CAN get help.

If someone is taken over with emotion they cannot think straight. There are whole mental diagnoses based on this stuff. The bad thing isn't that he feels it, you can't help feelings by just turning them off. The bad thing would be if he didn't want any help. Unfortunately sometimes culture forbids some people to have true insight, sometimes the illness cause insight to be absent.

[Trippin2.0]

If both going to the dinner and not going to the dinner with your friend will be wrong in his eyes, stands to reason you shouldn't cancel your plans. Atleast that way you have an opportunity to enjoy yourself!

Remind me again whyyy you are giving in to his tantrums?

Because its easier than dealing with him sulking?

IME when giving in to a petulant child's tantrums, they learn that tantrums 〓 getting my way. Usually when you ignore the tantrum (not the child ) the tantrum is swiftly nipped in the bud as its not generating the desired effect.

Don't allow your husband to indirectly dictate your life. That is a one way ticket to Miseryville.

Go with your friend and if hubby even attempts to lay on a guilt trip, smile sweetly, then KINDLY remind him he was complaining about you hogging his daughter and that he now has the perfect opportunity to have daddy- daughter time without any interruption from you.

I concur with previous posters, marital counselling is in order, if not, I foresee much resentment within your matrimonial future.

PS. Seriously, go to dinner with your friend. She hasn't spent time with you in 6 months, no way you can spoil her mood, you'll both be wayyy too busy enjoying eachother's company.

PPS. Seriously, seriously go out. You need some adult company that isn't your husband and that isn't tainted by your husband. Leave his snarky tantrum throwing attitude at home. Go enjoy your dinner, and then deal with it at 9PM'ish upon your return.

Lol, kinda like when a teenager goes to a party or club they were forbidden from attending and then happily dealing with the aftermath because they've already had their fun. As the fun can't be undone by angry / upset parents or any possible disciplinary action.