[JoenFl]

Hey all,

New to the forum, hi. I am tired of self poisoning my marriage by thoughts of her cheating on me again.

The back story. My first marriage ended by me finding about that my wife has been sleeping around, and I don't mean one guy. That was back in 2003 when we separated and divorced.

Later in December 2003, a woman who I met on line with who I was actually thinking about leaving my first wife for, caught me on Yahoo Messenger back then. We talked, she had gotten married because I couldn't/wouldn't leave my 1st wife because of my girls (3 of them). Our online whatever it was, ended in March 2000 right after my youngest daughter was born. So now 3 years later from that time, I'm now divorced and the guy that my current wife married turned out to be an abusive ***_ _ _ _. So I was heading to the state she was living in, as thats where my parents lived. I left home because I joined the Air Force, not that that may help, or not. So I met her, for the first time, we talked and talked and talked for like 12 hrs. Her husband, blowing up her phone, text and voice mails. So she decides she is NOT going home and asked if I would stay with her in a hotel room. Now, typing this out, it sounds like a... say what! Part, but he truly was abusive, put her in the hospital 3-4x involving tossing her into and through a fish tank, etc. So I agreed. We talked more, then he showed up, she told me she was stupid because she had used the hotel before to get away from him other times, and used her CC and the desk probably told him. So he finally leaves. We wake up, (nothing at all done) and I head back to my parents place and she goes to face the music. I honestly don't know if I would ever see her again. Not do to his actions, could be, but just not sure. We definitely hit it off.

So this is over christmas 2003, on New years day, or the day after I am back to my duty station and she messages me that she is leaving him and can she send boxes to my place until she figures out what she wants to do. She does, she comes done on the 15th of Jan, and as the story goes, we haven't been apart since. We fell in love, rekindled our online flirting in person and all was good.

Oh, we got married in 2004 after she came down in Jan, she filed and was divorced in April and we were married in July 2004.

Enter in, we get orders to England for a three year tour. All is fun, and games, we are a playful couple and have been since about the beginning. Then in 2010 she tells me she has had sex with a British guy, one time, she was drunk, and he more or less took advantage of her. There is more, she really, REALLY started to like this guy. So much to the fact that we were looking mid-tour to move to a different house and she was looking right near the farm he worked as a ranch hand I guess you would say. I have caught them kissing passionately at parties we were at. I would be out talking with others, walk in and there she is on the couch locked in a passionate kiss. Then I have a deployment coming up, she has since quit having sex with me, said it hurts her to have sex and this was a couple months before the 4 month deployment. We talk about him and would he come over, she said of course, he is my friend, why can't I have a friend over for lunch. So now I am really stressing. It would have been easy, 6 months without having sex with her, and this odd thing is coming on. Luckily I do not get selected for deployment and then in March, near by birthday, she has this drunken affair. This isn't the only one. At least one other guy who worked FOR me, came up to our place for an after party. Im in one room, and she pulls him into our living room to give him oral sex. I again, find out, she told me, at the same time she told me of the indiscretion months after the incident.

Fast forward to now, its been 3 years since then, I have retired and we moved to be near her Dad who had cancer who passed away June 2013. She said she has been faithful and never had another affair or hook up. She is self employed and she travels to conferences and events that her clients put on. So she goes to them 2-3-4 times a year.

Can you see where I am getting to, I am worried that something is happening there, and how easy it is for her to lie to me about it. It would be nothing for her to do this and me not know. She has multiple ways to communicate some require special access which I do not have, other than using her log-in. So I feel this poison that I am bringing up, and keep injecting into our relationship, when she may be, fully 100% open and honest.

There has been other issues.. a guy she works with, has messaged her (we helped him for a cancer charity thing) and I see a message from him, saying when are you guys coming to X town, or at least you

The other time was she has had back issues, and she was seeing a chiropractor (Female) and getting massages (male) both in the same clinic. So we have two vehicles, a car and a truck. Her preference is the car, which I had that day and so I stopped by the chiropractor to swap vehicles and she was already in her massage. So I had the desk lady knock and open the door, to get the keys from her purse. So she knocks, the desk lady said your husband is here to swap vehicles and needs the keys, My wife says "ah oh" and I look in and see her underthings just kinda scattered across her purse and the chair. She ALWAYS ALWAYS hides her bra and underwear and buries them under her clothes, they were draped across her purse. Now I didn't really think of anything until a few days later. Instead of approaching her about it. I sulked and moaned and brought a lot of negativity to our house. Finally about a week ago or so I address it and she said it was NOTHING. NOTHING happened, she doesn't even remember saying "uh oh" and her clothes WERE tucked in behind her purse or in her purse, she doesn't remember, the front desk lady must have moved them when digging in her purse.

NOW.. here I am.. this past weekend, she got the offer to stay with her 7 figure client, her husband and kids and the top of the top that pay 5 figures to be part of this group. So WOW.. amazing opportunity for her. BUT the caveat was that I can't be there, nor will the other ladies boyfriend, she just wanted her staff with her. So that left me out. We had made loose plans on going up there, and getting a hotel, then going on to some sort of other mini-vaca. That has now changed, oh and that place she is going isn't TOO far from that other guy's Town X a few hours drive I would imagine. So I start adding this all up in my head and we have had a HUGE blow up and now he isn't talking to me.

So its going on 24 hrs, we have had one small talk, and she said she has been nothing but faithful and tells me the truth etc.

So I have all these other things in my head, the "or just you " from that guy and the uh-oh, from inside the massage room (oh on Thursdays which she was going alone to, he is the ONLY one in the clinic and they keep the door locked to the building and lets one client out, and the other one in. Tell me how this doesn't mess with my head?

Ok.. long winded.. need advice. I am already signed up for marriage/personal counseling to get rid of all the bad juju that my brain feeds itself. I honestly want to believe her and not to have another thought that she isn't doing anything, but the brain is a powerful thing. I lay awake at night getting so upset... seeing things, in my head etc.

I need some advice on how to forgive and move on, even after wife 1 cheated on me, multiple times, and she has at least once that I know of.

Desparate, I love her and I can't live with out her, she is fed up and ready to throw in the towel, as she hates being under a microscope. She has offered for me to go through e-mails or or phone. I just know she is better than to leave something in her phone, so thats just a empty offer. Ugh.

Help!

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, JoenFl. Is couples' therapy an option?

[Jolisse]

I can see why you don't trust your wife, you're in a difficult situation. I don't know what I would do if my spouse cheated on me, it would take me a long time to trust him again.
I think counseling is a great idea, marriages can continue even when a spouse has cheated.
If you love your wife, try everything you can to keep your marriage going.
Counseling may reveal why your wife felt the need to cheat on you.

[hvert]

I'm so glad you are going to talk to someone about this. I really have no advice or suggestions. If your wife had never cheated on you, it would be much easier to write off the thing about having to go to the conference solo, as that is something that happens. I hope you can do some joint counseling in addition to this.

[JoenFl]

Glok,
Thanks for the welcome and yes couple's therapy is an option. Well I start on the 11th of July is when I have my appointment. She said she is willing to go if "she is needed" as she sees this as MY issue, not hers, or one she caused. So to help deal with all the demons in my head so to speak (I'm not religious) I am willingly going to counseling.

Hvert,

Thanks for replying. Yeah, if there wasn't the cheating, then absolutely, I wouldn't have even the thought of something happening. It doesn't help there is a half dozen movies related to going on a business trip and they meet in some city for a night of passion or something... thanks a lot hollywood.

Jolisse,

Thanks for replying as well. It is difficult, and even though she was the one that did it, I'm the one with the issue now. Strange how that is. For your instance, if your husband stepped outside the marriage and then you had a perpetual issue with it, it is YOUR fault not his. WTH? I do know that I would be tired of being under a microscope especially after 3 years of "good behavior" not doing anything wrong, not talking to anyone, etc etc.

The poison I refer to is me not trusting her. I want to go back to that not even a thought in my head when she is on these trips. Now all the trips, her business has grown and evolved but I would say in the last 2 years she has been going to professional conferences, and then to support her clients at their events etc. One thing that I have been thinking about, was that I goto therapy and or WE go to therapy, and we resolve the issue of trust or my fear, so that gives her a blank check to "well I'm not under the microscope anymore" thinking along the lines of "the cats away, the mice will play" so that sucks already.

I hope that maybe getting this counseling will bring up something, something that is missing. Something over looked or needed. I mean I have two issues lack of any sexual intimacy and the trust issue. Even that is historically bothersome, reading articles of all of a sudden my husband (or wife) isn't in the mood very often, especially after a business trip or working late at the office, he/she says they are exhausted from the trip. Dear whomever, hate to tell you this.. I know that isn't the reason for her lack of sexual drive, she works from home, and only goes on these trips 2-3-4 times a year. She doesn't pleasure herself as I know whats in the toy box and it has dust on it. However I was monitoring some lube in there, and it seemed to decrease. Hey evaporation right? FML.

Joe

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by JoenFl

Hey all,

New to the forum, hi. I am tired of self poisoning my marriage by thoughts of her cheating on me again.

The back story. My first marriage ended by me finding about that my wife has been sleeping around, and I don't mean one guy. That was back in 2003 when we separated and divorced.

Later in December 2003, a woman who I met on line with who I was actually thinking about leaving my first wife for, caught me on Yahoo Messenger back then. We talked, she had gotten married because I couldn't/wouldn't leave my 1st wife because of my girls (3 of them). Our online whatever it was, ended in March 2000 right after my youngest daughter was born. So now 3 years later from that time, I'm now divorced and the guy that my current wife married turned out to be an abusive ***_ _ _ _. So I was heading to the state she was living in, as thats where my parents lived. I left home because I joined the Air Force, not that that may help, or not. So I met her, for the first time, we talked and talked and talked for like 12 hrs. Her husband, blowing up her phone, text and voice mails. So she decides she is NOT going home and asked if I would stay with her in a hotel room. Now, typing this out, it sounds like a... say what! Part, but he truly was abusive, put her in the hospital 3-4x involving tossing her into and through a fish tank, etc. So I agreed. We talked more, then he showed up, she told me she was stupid because she had used the hotel before to get away from him other times, and used her CC and the desk probably told him. So he finally leaves. We wake up, (nothing at all done) and I head back to my parents place and she goes to face the music. I honestly don't know if I would ever see her again. Not do to his actions, could be, but just not sure. We definitely hit it off.

So this is over christmas 2003, on New years day, or the day after I am back to my duty station and she messages me that she is leaving him and can she send boxes to my place until she figures out what she wants to do. She does, she comes done on the 15th of Jan, and as the story goes, we haven't been apart since. We fell in love, rekindled our online flirting in person and all was good.

Oh, we got married in 2004 after she came down in Jan, she filed and was divorced in April and we were married in July 2004.

Enter in, we get orders to England for a three year tour. All is fun, and games, we are a playful couple and have been since about the beginning. Then in 2010 she tells me she has had sex with a British guy, one time, she was drunk, and he more or less took advantage of her. There is more, she really, REALLY started to like this guy. So much to the fact that we were looking mid-tour to move to a different house and she was looking right near the farm he worked as a ranch hand I guess you would say. I have caught them kissing passionately at parties we were at. I would be out talking with others, walk in and there she is on the couch locked in a passionate kiss. Then I have a deployment coming up, she has since quit having sex with me, said it hurts her to have sex and this was a couple months before the 4 month deployment. We talk about him and would he come over, she said of course, he is my friend, why can't I have a friend over for lunch. So now I am really stressing. It would have been easy, 6 months without having sex with her, and this odd thing is coming on. Luckily I do not get selected for deployment and then in March, near by birthday, she has this drunken affair. This isn't the only one. At least one other guy who worked FOR me, came up to our place for an after party. Im in one room, and she pulls him into our living room to give him oral sex. I again, find out, she told me, at the same time she told me of the indiscretion months after the incident.

Fast forward to now, its been 3 years since then, I have retired and we moved to be near her Dad who had cancer who passed away June 2013. She said she has been faithful and never had another affair or hook up. She is self employed and she travels to conferences and events that her clients put on. So she goes to them 2-3-4 times a year.

Can you see where I am getting to, I am worried that something is happening there, and how easy it is for her to lie to me about it. It would be nothing for her to do this and me not know. She has multiple ways to communicate some require special access which I do not have, other than using her log-in. So I feel this poison that I am bringing up, and keep injecting into our relationship, when she may be, fully 100% open and honest.

There has been other issues.. a guy she works with, has messaged her (we helped him for a cancer charity thing) and I see a message from him, saying when are you guys coming to X town, or at least you

The other time was she has had back issues, and she was seeing a chiropractor (Female) and getting massages (male) both in the same clinic. So we have two vehicles, a car and a truck. Her preference is the car, which I had that day and so I stopped by the chiropractor to swap vehicles and she was already in her massage. So I had the desk lady knock and open the door, to get the keys from her purse. So she knocks, the desk lady said your husband is here to swap vehicles and needs the keys, My wife says "ah oh" and I look in and see her underthings just kinda scattered across her purse and the chair. She ALWAYS ALWAYS hides her bra and underwear and buries them under her clothes, they were draped across her purse. Now I didn't really think of anything until a few days later. Instead of approaching her about it. I sulked and moaned and brought a lot of negativity to our house. Finally about a week ago or so I address it and she said it was NOTHING. NOTHING happened, she doesn't even remember saying "uh oh" and her clothes WERE tucked in behind her purse or in her purse, she doesn't remember, the front desk lady must have moved them when digging in her purse.

NOW.. here I am.. this past weekend, she got the offer to stay with her 7 figure client, her husband and kids and the top of the top that pay 5 figures to be part of this group. So WOW.. amazing opportunity for her. BUT the caveat was that I can't be there, nor will the other ladies boyfriend, she just wanted her staff with her. So that left me out. We had made loose plans on going up there, and getting a hotel, then going on to some sort of other mini-vaca. That has now changed, oh and that place she is going isn't TOO far from that other guy's Town X a few hours drive I would imagine. So I start adding this all up in my head and we have had a HUGE blow up and now he isn't talking to me.

So its going on 24 hrs, we have had one small talk, and she said she has been nothing but faithful and tells me the truth etc.

So I have all these other things in my head, the "or just you " from that guy and the uh-oh, from inside the massage room (oh on Thursdays which she was going alone to, he is the ONLY one in the clinic and they keep the door locked to the building and lets one client out, and the other one in. Tell me how this doesn't mess with my head?

Ok.. long winded.. need advice. I am already signed up for marriage/personal counseling to get rid of all the bad juju that my brain feeds itself. I honestly want to believe her and not to have another thought that she isn't doing anything, but the brain is a powerful thing. I lay awake at night getting so upset... seeing things, in my head etc.

I need some advice on how to forgive and move on, even after wife 1 cheated on me, multiple times, and she has at least once that I know of.

Desparate, I love her and I can't live with out her, she is fed up and ready to throw in the towel, as she hates being under a microscope. She has offered for me to go through e-mails or or phone. I just know she is better than to leave something in her phone, so thats just a empty offer. Ugh.

Help!

you are in a terrible situation, realistically all emotions aside..the only answer is to get out and involve yourself with someone you can trust.

obviously this woman is going to do whatever she will & knows you will tolerate it.

as long as you tolerate this type of behavior, it will continue..the fear , the doubt.. a relationship cannot survive in this type of environment..you are only prolonging the inevitable.

you deserve better than this.

the trust has been destroyed between you and rightfully so, you cannot hope to heal from these occurrences until you free yourself from this relationship.

i am afraid divorce is the only answer

[hvert]

I really don't like your wife's suggestions that these issues are "your" problem. My father was a philanderer who always made my mother think that she was imagining things, being paranoid, not trusting him enough. It was always her fault.

When I first read your post, I read the paragraphs out of order. I saw the title, saw the description of the incident at the chiropractor, and thought, yeah, it sounds like you have some trust issues -- then I skipped back up to the part about her infidelities and thought, OH.

I just reread it again and realized I missed the part about how she spent the night in the hotel with you when she was still married, and her husband knew where she was because she had stayed there so often in the past!!

Your wife has been untrustworthy on multiple occasions. You have trouble trusting her now because of her behavior. That's not just you with some kind of mental issue. She helped create that situation. If you don't trust someone because your trust has been broken in the past, it's not just your problem. The only part of this that is "yours alone" is your possible attraction to women who are not faithful.

And you are right - she can't live under a microscope and you can't be happily married to someone you don't trust.

It is entirely possible that your wife has been faithful since the incidents you mention above. You are there, I'm not. The 'evidence' you have right now (bra left out at massage, attending conferences) is pretty weak -- but based on her history, I would not dare say that your mind is playing tricks on you. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

I hope talking this out with a therapist works for you, and I hope that your wife will consent to the couples therapy as well.

I just checked my bottle of Astroglide that expired in 2010 -- it hasn't evaporated.

[Atlantea]

Omg ((((hugs)))) x 100

Is she the same woman who was having all these affairs and making out with other guys all this time, or is this a current different woman who that you are bringing up past stuff from a former cheater into the relationship?