[Lonelyheart22]

I'm new to this forum so I hope I am opening this thread in the right section. Part of the problem has to do with my gender expression and identity but I will touch more on that in another section, where it fits more.

First, to give you an idea about my situation, I have just turned 27 in late June, I live in the East European country of Romania(no, we're not in any way Russians btw, or gypsies), in its capital city. I was biologically born female and I have always felt like a heterosexual woman when it comes to everything sexual/romantic. Other than that, I am probably best described by the non-binary gender identity, with that female side and a very strong male side that demands to come out and naturally comes out through my preference in masculine clothes, haircuts and through my more masculine demeanor. I've been like this since a small age, I never faked it and I can't be someone I'm not.

Having said that, we can move on to the social/relationships part. I'm a tad introverted, made a bit worse by what my therapist calls a mild case of social anxiety and lack of social experience. My different style of clothing and boyish attitude was made worse by being overweight starting with the age of 12-13 and quite a bit overweight in highschool(not dramatically but definitely more than just a bit chubby). As you can imagine, I was made fun of, not as much as I could have been because I wasn't a doormat and people actually thought I was a decent person with a sense of humor, but definitely called names, apparently a lot behind my back, due to my appearance. I never felt like I really belonged in any group and in high school I had only one friend, my deskmate, who became a family friend through his mother. I spent most of my time , outside school, alone in my room, walking alone, going to the movies alone or with my mother.

In university, of course I was the same way, a young adult now, who could only feel like staying quiet and minding her own business because nobody would like her anyway. Also in university, unrequitted love, the 2nd one, ended up making me quite depressed and finally all my unhappiness ,my unmet emotional needs, my loneliness and mild abandonment issues(my father was not around that much and he died when I was 14) caught up with me on the surface.

3 years ago, after the last year of university and throughout the Masters course, I started losing the weight and for about a year I've been pretty average in weight, on the upper side of average/a couple of extra kg's. In fact ,right now, I weigh 4kg's less than my height ,I walk a lot, I started jogging or using the elliptical.

During the Masters I got a little better in that I made 2 friends. One I met online and one from the Masters course, she initiated it. Sadly, the one from the Masters is now permanently living abroad and quite busy so we rarely talk anymore. Recently I made a new friend online ,who lives in the same neighborhood so there's that.

So, the point is, I have no real social circle and no real experience. I don't know where to meet people, in a city/country where sites like meetup.com are not popular(most meetings there are for expats or professionals in some field)and it's very hard to find social events that fit my interests(I don't like clubs and that sort of social scene).

Another thing is that I am not the type that can go up to a stranger and strike up a conversation, that is where my social anxiety pops up and my introversion as well. I do ok if someone talks to me or if it's a thing like a boardgame night or something, you know, where the event is such that it automatically gets people to interact. First impressions, I reckon, are not my strong point. Regardless of how much I may try, introversion and social awkwardness will rear their ugly heads in very subtle ways that I usually really cannot control, nothing major but they induce that sort of repressed, very self conscious state where I'm not relaxed and I can't be spontaneous or really bubbly. There's nothing specific that I do but I suspect the vibes are sent regardless. On top of that, because of my gender expression and style, I fear that I am perceived as invisible at best by men.

This is a huge problem for me. All my life I've gotten no positivity and certainly no tangible ,real proof that I too can be attractive, as I am, that I can stand a chance with the man of my choice or any man for that matter.
I go out of the house and see no one like me, there's no one like me in culture in general, it's like I don't exist and certainly there's no one like me presented in any sort of attractive manner. As a fat, mannish teenager , I've been mocked and made to feel invalid and desexualized in many ways, directly or indirectly. Now, since losing weight, it's just my manner of being. No man has ever been attracted to me, they've made fun of me in the past but I never received any compliment, any smiles, anything. The most I could ever be was one of the guys.

A year ago, I made an account on a major dating site. I've had no success, it's mostly just creepy arab or african men who message me(I have nothing against Arabic or African men, I've in fact been to many Arabic countries and I find most people to be quite nice) ,probably looking for a link to the European Union or something. Other than that, I've actually gotten 3-4 messages from random men who just had to tell me I look like a boy and should change my pictures or let my hair grow ,etc.

I've been alone all my life so far, never even been on a date, I've known no physical and emotional intimacy, no meaningful, substantial touch, let alone any affection and that comes to complete a lonely childhood and teenage years stained with loss as well.

I don't suffer from chronic depression, my social anxiety is mild and I have long come to terms with my gender identity, but being so alone and so devoid of touch ,of connection, of intimacy is destroying me. I don't know if anyone can understand how it's like to have never had anything to quench that thirst, that need for all those things, no one apart from my therapist takes me seriously, but my suffering is real and my needs are real as well but I don't know how to fix my situation.

How do I meet people? How do I meet men? Do I even stand a chance? A 27 year old with no experience, a tad broken, who needs to be treated with patience and understanding because I even need to learn how to enjoy the touch I need so much, I need to learn to send signals, I need to be helped to feel like a valid sexual being through the eyes of others, it doesn't matter how sexual I am inside, my view of myself, if that makes sense. Can I even be loved with all these things on the surface that just need a little nurturing? If I were a "normal" looking woman, stereotypically speaking, who dressed in the appropriate clothes, wore make up and had a feminine demeanor ,if I also looked a bit better , maybe it would make me seem worth it, maybe it would compensate, but this way, I really fear that in the eyes of society ,of men in general, my potential is unrecognizable.

I don't want to die without ever experiencing intimacy, without ever experiencing a connection, without feeling touch, without knowing what a kiss feels like and how it's like for someone to look at me with some degree of affection and desire. I don't want to die like that and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on this earth, of my remaining youth ,like this. There's also the fact that there's so much love and passion in me to give and I always feel like nobody wants it, certainly no one ever did before.

But how do you meet someone with no help at all and with these set backs, when you're behind in social experience and you've been put down your entire life? With some experience, I would learn and I would get better but there's only so much you can force without experience or anything realistic and tangible to give some hope, some confidence. I hate that I have no helpful friends, that I don't mean more to more people ,because I know that the best way to broaden your social circle is through people you already know, through friends of friends or going to different things with friends and so on.

I hope I wasn't too boring or annoying, people usually don't take me seriously because I think they don't understand my needs and the ramifications of everything one feels and experiences, maybe also cause they don't care enough, I don't know. Here I feel somewhat more comfortable opening up though. However, I know this has been a very long and whiny post, I thank anyone and everyone who reads this to the end!

[Travelinglady]

How about getting out to social events? Check the newspaper for what's happening in your area. Go to where people are, especially people with interests like your own.

Think of some opening remarks. If need be, then write them on a sheet of paper and talk to the mirror. People are almost always interested in talking about themselves.

The main thing is not staying at home, as my therapist told me one time.

You can practice "talking" to us here if you would like.

[namastewoman]

This forum really helped me come out of my shell, so I'd like to help you. I am fascinated that this is an issue in other countries, I keep thinking some issues are only in American. It is nice to hear that the experience is universal. I am not in your situation, but I am. Remove the gender identity and we are still experiencing some of the same fears and self-isolation.

I was born female and look female, but when I join dating websites, I get creepy African American men or elderly White men emailing me. I'm black, so I am not prejudice, but I'd like to meet someone I actually have something in common with, no people that are really shallow and could potentially re-traumatize me.

I have no solutions, but I do have a plan. I have decided to give up the online dating sites because they are no longer a safe place for shy people to go and meet others. I feel like sex freaks have taken over and use it as though it is a red light district. This is very offensive. There is another dating website that has online access but also hosts local events but it costs money each month. when I am in a better financial position, I plan to join this group and participate in the social events.

In our country, we also have online social networks called Meetup. I don't know if you have it in Romania, but it would be worth a quick Google.

I used to live in California and I met a better caliber of people at group therapy and support groups. We all knew each other's diagnoses and problems and the friendships developed felt more natural. I have moved to Missouri and have yet to find an appropriate group therapy or support group for people with mental health issues. Please find one in your area or ask your doctor to refer you to one. It really is the best place to meet new friends.

If I were in your neighbrhood, I would be your friend. I would hang out with you and and I hope that is enough to get you to give others a chance to spend time with you. There are so many of us out here hurting that sharing your story might be just what someone else needed to hear. You are not alone. Reach out locally and you will surprised who says, "Me, too!"

[Lonelyheart22]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

How about getting out to social events? Check the newspaper for what's happening in your area. Go to where people are, especially people with interests like your own.

Think of some opening remarks. If need be, then write them on a sheet of paper and talk to the mirror. People are almost always interested in talking about themselves.

The main thing is not staying at home, as my therapist told me one time.

You can practice "talking" to us here if you would like.

That is what I was saying, that I have a problem with even just finding social events where I could fit and have any sort of success. This is not the US or UK or other major countries in Europe, most people my age and lower just go to clubs and go drinking or go out with their already established friends. To get an idea, there isn't even much option for speed dating, there is only one singles events organizer that really does speed dating and it's pretty small scale, as opposed to other countries.

I don't want to stay inside or go to place alone and just sit at a table but for someone who doesn't like partying and loud music and getting drunk, who likes to have intelligent conversations about the world ,about history, stuff like that, there's not much on offer. I'm sort of geeky cause I watch a lot of tv shows and I'm into sci-fi but I'm not hardcore and there's one comic-con once a year here. I'm also not artistically endowed, I don't write, I don't draw, I'm not a "photographer", I don't play music, I can't sing or dance.

Also, it's not that I don't know all these theoretical things about how one talks to people, it's that I physically cannot start a conversation or approach someone or a group of people I do not know or that I barely know. That's where most of my social anxiety lies and even if I force myself, it doesn't go well or last because just physically forcing myself to say something doesn't make it a successful interaction, I'm still not really myself, it's hard to say anything.

When I first went to a boardgame night, for ex, I could barely say a few sentences all night and I was aware of this and I tried forcing myself but the words just wouldn't come out and my sense of humor also didn't come out,I couldn't say what I was thinking. I played, I had fun but... After a couple of times of going there, I got a lot better but when all is based on just first impressions, you don't get a second chance like you get when u just go to a boardgame night that u can choose to go to again and again. When u meet someone or go to a different social event, with strangers, you're likely never going to see them again so that first encounter is all you're getting. If I appear ugly just because I'm not conventional, then what are my chances.

Originally Posted by namastewoman

I was born female and look female, but when I join dating websites, I get creepy African American men or elderly White men emailing me. I'm black, so I am not prejudice, but I'd like to meet someone I actually have something in common with, no people that are really shallow and could potentially re-traumatize me.

I have no solutions, but I do have a plan. I have decided to give up the online dating sites because they are no longer a safe place for shy people to go and meet others. I feel like sex freaks have taken over and use it as though it is a red light district. This is very offensive. There is another dating website that has online access but also hosts local events but it costs money each month. when I am in a better financial position, I plan to join this group and participate in the social events.

In our country, we also have online social networks called Meetup. I don't know if you have it in Romania, but it would be worth a quick Google.

I used to live in California and I met a better caliber of people at group therapy and support groups. We all knew each other's diagnoses and problems and the friendships developed felt more natural. I have moved to Missouri and have yet to find an appropriate group therapy or support group for people with mental health issues. Please find one in your area or ask your doctor to refer you to one. It really is the best place to meet new friends.

If I were in your neighbrhood, I would be your friend. I would hang out with you and and I hope that is enough to get you to give others a chance to spend time with you. There are so many of us out here hurting that sharing your story might be just what someone else needed to hear. You are not alone. Reach out locally and you will surprised who says, "Me, too!"

Well, that's the thing, I know about the Meetup site and there are some meetup groups here but they are very few and most of them are for expats, the rest are mostly for professionals in some IT or Marketing related fields, there's just one that is more general and active but I didn't manage to go to any of the events yet because they took place when I had to attend to other things.

I couldn't even find a forum for non binary people or for depressed people or whatever, local based I mean.

It looks so impossible to me right now, here, to meet people at 27 with no social circle to help. It's very easy for people to just say "get over your introversion" or "just go talk to people" or "control your anxiety" but we both know it's not actually easy or even possible to do, certainly not all the time and in every circumstance.

The only option I seem to have left is speed dating but there's just one speed dating organizer and they are small events. I know the woman in charge of them ,I went to one 3 weeks ago but there was no one I found the least bit attractive, it's not a popular thing here. Besides, after a couple of beers, I can talk and seem a tad less nervous but I never learned to send any signals ,anything to indicate I am a sexual being, to flirt. With men, even the men I am not attracted to, I cannot help but feel tiny, tiny and like I am on the bottom of the barrel ,the lowest of the low, like even the slimiest, most desperate, hideous creep is above my class. I don't think I am particularly ugly or anything, I just think that the world sees me that way, that men see me that way, because of my gender expression and not being naturally gorgeous enough to counter it. All that love was for me so far was pain, a lonely, painful thing and the few times I was attracted to men they never were to me, no one ever was so how am I supposed to feel differently, to feel I have a chance ,when there was not one moment in my life when I was even an option for someone? I feel so absolutely invalidated and desexualized and just so alone. This lack of touch is a major issue and such a constant that even my therapist worries about it but he can't find me a man , he can't get me what I need.

It hurts that even on dating sites there's just no interest. Sure, most of the men in my country I find rather unattractive, they are definitely not my type. When I travel to the West, I see tens of attractive men every single day on the street, I guess I like the more germanic/english types , but regardless of what I like , no one likes me, I feel I have no choice.

Last year I tried a language course, for a month, in Germany. I liked a guy there, an American, perfectly single too and with a degree in history of all things(which is my big hobby). We got along great but he wasn't attracted to me and life chose to really slap me over the face with it by having him like another woman there who was 10x more introverted than me, who he would have never even talked to if it hadn't been for me(she was in my class and I took him with us two on a day trip to Prague). She wasn't even pretty.

When I go abroad ,it makes me sad when I walk on the street and I see attractive men and can't help but think that they would never feel anything for me. Also, I actually really like middle aged men, not creepy ,decrepit old men but a nice, mature middle aged man is the most attractive one in my eyes.

My therapist doesn't do group therapy and therapy in general here is just emerging as a more normal thing so there's plenty of therapists you really can't trust. I personally know the mother of a former colleague from high school, who went to study psychology and is now a fully certified psychologist and ,bless her, she's a great person but she is terrible at this, there's a lot of universities that offer completely legal courses but the level is low and exams passed too easily.

For a year now, I've become absolutely terrified, to the point where I get very anxious about it, that I'll die without even having one kiss in my life, without ever experiencing human contact, without ever feeling sexy to someone, wanted, desired, without anyone ever wanting what I have to offer, without being loved, ever for a short while. I don't want marriage, I don't want children, I don't expect to find THE ONE soulmate or have relationships that never end, I'm not unrealistic but I need to connect, I need intimacy, I need touch and affection, I can't help that and I don't want to die without it.

I'm sorry for all this whining, it must be terribly annoying and I write a lot but I don't have anyone to really understand me or help me outside my one hour of therapy every two weeks.