[AlyJ93]

Hi so, I've been in my relationship for almost 5 years. We got together when we were 16, Oct. 2009, and now we're both 21.

My question is how can i trust and believe someone who has lied multiple times and has been so secretive? And what is trust based on? I feel like.. trust is fake. Like for me, I have a hard time believing him when eh says he hasn't looked at dirty ****. Long story short he lied to me several time about watching porn and then I broke up with him for it, we got back together, he told me he'd stop, he did it again (when i went out), i found out by snooping, and then he put a porn blocker on his PC and had me put a parental control thing on his iPad so it blocks any adult websites because it was the only way to prove to me he was done.

Yes, that is the short version. There is much more i could add but anyway, now that he has these i feel better, i do believe he's stopped watching porn but .. anytime i have to go somewhere without him or have the opportunity to go somewhere without him, i get anxiety about him doing something behind my back, though i feel like i know he wont.. and i try to take his word for it, it's just REALLY HARD TO NOT FEEL THIS WAY!! I feel like if i'm not with him or on Skype with him, that he's doing something bad again. He could easily watch porn on his dad's computer right next to his, or his iPod, and not only that but he's pretty secretive with things so like, on Facebook he could be looking at some porn star or slutty chick and i wouldn't even know about it.

I feel guilty and yes, i know I'm wrong to be looking at his personals (Facebook & YouTube). But it's the truth, and i would like to stop feeling this way and stop looking at his personals and to find a way to get through this.
We've been through a lot. We've broken up 3 times. We both recently got part time jobs, and so that's been a plus for us but i still have the trust issues from past... not just with him lying to me about not watching porn anymore, but other things to do with females. No he's never cheated on me, and I know he isn't that type but he is very friendly and sometimes i feel like a bad person because i get mad at him for getting close with certain girls. :/ I am jealous, and i do fear that I'll lose him to girls who are better than me, and not just that, but because i think he's easy to get to. He is a very friendly and likable person, a lot of people like him at first or might think he's a goofball, and that's good, that's one reason i liked him, but at the same time because I feel bad because some of the people he's made friends with I feel intimidated by and problems occur because of me feeling this way.

It's not all girls that bother me, he works with almost all girls, and i don't get this feeling from any of them. I feel like they respect the boundaries more, they laugh with him, and joke, but, it's not the same as with this one girl in his college class. She is ... very confident in herself, and although i don't find her attractive, and he's told me he doesn't either, I still don't like him being close with her. One experience with her in a group was enough for me to make the judgement that i don't like her and him being close... and i told him this and he said he would minimize his interaction with her but, i don't know if i'm wrong to agree to this? I mean yeah he agreed to do this, but, am I bad to say how i feel and agree to him not talking to this girl anymore? I think she's nice, but, she loves to soak up the attention from him and her other 'guy friend' who sit around her like she's some queen.. and when i came around she was nice to me but she didn't really talk to me and i just sat there and watched my boyfriend and her's joke and make her laugh.. and i just sat there quiet the whole time, i was flaming pissed inside but i held it in and tried my hardest to not let it show. They were joking about sexual things to do with her, which didnt help, but she was laughing her *** off and so was my boyfriend.

So what should I do..? Am I a bad person? >.>;

[JlSalem]

First off, let me start by saying that in no way are you a bad person. I will address way of your topics in order, first with the topic of pornography. I completely understand feeling that way about your significant other watching pornography, one of my biggest flaws is jealousy and the idea of my significant other watching pornography makes me jealous as well. Perhaps a good way to spice things up would be to watch pornography together? It is a great way to get some new ideas and can be an erotic experience when watching it together. If you have made it clear that it is something that you are uncomfortable with him doing and he has agreed to not watch it anymore, then that is as much as you can do. Snooping will only feed into your jealousy, and will only offer temporary relief. The best thing you can do is take his word, because if he is watching it behind your back there is no other way you will know. If you feel his word isn't good enough and he is lying, perhaps it is time to question this relationship, because if you can't take his word on this then what will happen when there is something really important and you can't trust him? As far as the girl in his class goes, it sounds overall harmless besides the sexual references, that sounds a little over the line. It is natural to feel jealous when our partners are giving attention to another, but instead of displaying those jealous emotions, try to engage in the conversation. I hope I am of some assistance to you, and I hope things work out for you.

[glok]

Hello, AlyJ93. What you describe is problematical. Both of you have to decide whether you are going to make this work or continue with what does not seem to be working.

Is couples' therapy an option?

[hvert]

You aren't a bad person, but it does sound like you have some controlling/jealous tendencies that you would be happy to let go of. I am not sure how you go about doing that, but maybe a counselor could help? I think recognizing that this is a problem for you is a good first step.

[AlyJ93]

Yes your answer helped me think about this more rationally. Thank you! And I've often thought about watching porn with him, but them my fear of him going behind my back again comes in... Because he and I discussed why he kept watching porn and why it was so hard for him to keep his promises to me, and i guess we both agreed that he was sort of addicted? And so i think if i bring it back into our lives, he'll want it more all over again. :/ Though I could be wrong.

Yeah i told him I didn't like him making sexual remarks/jokes.. etc., with any girl because i think it's going to far. And then he acted like I was over-reacting about it... and made it seem like it's dumb that i worry about that, but I guess we'll see... This fall semester we have classes together again, and two of the classes he's taking she will be in as well.. and I'll be in one of them. So I'm tossing around ways to reason with future situations. He knows I really don't care for her, so, I'll still be nice to her face but i think I'll try my best to stay away from her because just looking at her makes me feel inferior.. >.<;

[AlyJ93]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, AlyJ93. What you describe is problematical. Both of you have to decide whether you are going to make this work or continue with what does not seem to be working.

Is couples' therapy an option?

Yeah we went to couples therapy once, and didn't get to finish the class because it was during the time when school began...
And it wasn't too helpful because it was more for couples who don't see each other often and only argue when they do see each other.. We see each other all the time, and we only argue when it comes to my issues with not trusting him or suspecting he's done something behind my back.

[hvert]

If there is any way you could let the porn thing go, I think you would feel so much better. Why does it matter if he watches it, as long as he is discreet? It's a pretty standard male behavior in this day and age. Can you just accept that you don't 100% agree with everything he does? Then you wouldn't have stress over whether or not he was lying to you.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by hvert

If there is any way you could let the porn thing go, I think you would feel so much better. Why does it matter if he watches it, as long as he is discreet? It's a pretty standard male behavior in this day and age. Can you just accept that you don't 100% agree with everything he does? Then you wouldn't have stress over whether or not he was lying to you.

Amen to that.

A lot of the time we complicate our own lives and cause our own misery. I'm no genius I've been guilty of it too with my bf in certain situations.

My new motto? Simplify

If you can let your hangup with his porn go, then save both of you a lot of grief and do so.

I'm guessing you're not 100% against it anyway, since you considered watching it with him. So I'm betting you cannn let it go, if you really want to.

[ChipperMonkey]

I'm more disturbed by the fact that he jokes sexually about another girl, to that girl, in your presence. Talk about disrespectful.....

I'd try to let the porn thing go. Every guy I know watches it, and I don't see it as a big deal. Guys are very visual creatures and I think that once you understand that, it makes it easier to let the porn thing go. I think that if you aren't as visually stimulated, then you won't understand why guys like porn so much.