POSSESSIVE, CONTROLLING, 11 YEARS DIFFERENCE??

Okay all. I am quite confused here. So basically, I don't have a father. I know my father and he is alive and well. He wants nothing to do with me anymore and I had a step-father for quite a while... 10 years. Well, that didn't work out quite so well so again, without a father figure. I know and realize that this is going to effect my relationships with guys in the future. I guess I just don't know what the limit is... I am dating this guy... we are 11 years apart in age. I know this is a huge difference and we both see it, but we don't see it as being a problem. We have had our share of problems and fights already and I felt like (twice) I should break up with him. When I hear his reasons, I have a thought in the back of my mind that he is lying. I have already told myself that I deserve better than him and I need to break it off. I feel, deep deep down, that he is somewhat controlling. When he is talking to me, I feel like something comes over me and I cannot resist him. I hate to think that I am being naive about the whole situation in that I cannot admit to myself the danger of it. But I DO realize it. Am I maybe just over analyzing it? Am I just being paranoid? I am so confused and. . .ugh. I don't know. I know it is the lack of a father figure in my life that draws me to him, that draws me to older men, but women go through that all the time so I am thinking it may be more... but am really unsure. Anyone have any advice? I want some oppinions, no matter what they are, I have already heard the extremeties. Thanks and I hope you all are doing well. =) <font color="black"> </font>

You know, this is coming from someone who traditionally overanalyzed everything, but the older I get, the less I see the benefit in analyzing relationship stuff.

Go with your gut. If you find yourself overanalyzing and trying to justify someone else's behavior, then it's probably something you should pay attention to.

Don't second-guess yourself. Instinct is powerful.

Formerly,

Lying and controlling behavior are not a good combo. I would tell him that you want to take a break for a bit, and see some other people.

See you how feel after you have your break.

Hugs,

EJ

ty guys. i just. . . dont think i can tell him. last time i tried, after talking for a while, i told him forget i mentioned anything and changed my mind...

My other thought on this is that being attracted to older men and being in a controlling relationship are two entirely different things. That's where I hear you second-guessing yourself. If you're uncomfortable with his behavior or demeanor, then PAY ATTENTION TO THAT FEELING and don't take the easy way out. Life is way too short to be in a relationship that isn't healthy for you.

all right. for sure. thank you. i . . . i think i have known that it is unhealthy... i just find myself attratted to a man who. . .i dont know. . . has control. i am affraid that this is what intrigues me. . . ???

Well, that's another story. Get yourself some therapy for that part... But the good news is that if you recognize the pattern in yourself then you're at least halfway en route to healthier future relationships.

thanks. i see that too. no therapy. i cant do it. but i think if i can make it this far, i can do it right? i have to tell him i cant be with him. i just have to be strong enough to stick to it...

I have a crazy story from my youth -- funny, I had completely forgotten about it until just now. You just reminded me of it and now I'm thinking that it could be why your post stood out for me. I'm way too tired to type it right now, but short story is that I was practically coerced into dating someone about 10 years older when I was 20 and in college. A few months later, he proposed, and I knew I had to break it off because he was getting more and more possessive as each week progressed. He flipped out (I did it publicly, thank god), and you know how you have people in your life who you shudder at the idea of seeing again? He's it for me. And I live 3,000 miles away and haven't seen him in 17 years. Ick. Glad I slithered away unscathed from that one! Lesson learned! I will NOT be trapped into a relationship that I don't want to be in!

Funny how I completely forgot about it until just now!