I Need Some Other "Controlling Mother" Stories......

As most of you know, I came to this site after leaving an abusive marriage and the support was amazing..Even more amazing was the way my husband responded...He sought therapy....intensive therapy....and finally, so did I. While therapy and counseling helped us to become friends again, my mother was a different matter. After 8 months of pain and work, we want to make our marriage work....I've seen a determination and a humbleness that I never thought possible from my husband...(therapy is amazing). But during the course of MY therapy, my t asked me to examine my mother's influence on my life and how her behaviour has affected where I'm at now....To make a long story short..Mom is happy when mom is in control. When mom is not in control, she becomes abusive and uses most any method available to "punish". In my life, that method of control has always been to broadcast my every move to the general public...and not always accurately either...Mom's own insecurities make her "inflate" most every account of everything and though I've always found it to be embarrassing, I thought that I coped pretty well. I made a point of not embellishing in my own life..to the point of being overly self deprecating....because it was too humiliating that mom talked so much about my personal matters. The separation was no exception. She told everyone and anyone that my husband was no good, and that she KNEW that under no circumstances would I ever reconcile with him. She even lied about him....telling some people that he was bi-polar....(wrong) and others that he was an alcoholic (also inaccurate). I begged her to be quiet...begged her to remember that he was the father of our children and that inaccurate info was a mistake....she always denied any wrong doing...and believe me, this has gotten her into trouble before....but she refuses to stop talking....Anyway,,,,,when she learned that we were in counseling and working at a reconciliation, she just went bonkers....She had talked so much and to so many, that her pride couldn't handle it. She then announced that she and dad are moving. They are leaving the town they've been in since 1972 and going to Charlotte, to work on controlling my brother and his wife's lives.......I'd like to say that I'm upset, but the truth is....I'm relieved.....Finally, some privacy....And to make matters worse, because Mom is angry with our decision, she struck back by actually starting false rumors about me.....Her Only Daughter! she has claimed to a number of people that I must have a drinking or drug problem....because that is the only explanation for why I would reconcile w/ex. Remember...of all of our family...SHE is the only one who won't seek professional help.....And despite my relief...I'm having problems coping with the "poison" that she is spreading around our small town before her departure. I shouldn't care...it will all blow over..but doggonit...I've been a good and dutiful daughter and I can't believe that she would turn on me this way just because of her own pride. Help! Help me to understand.......

there are people who play by rules in their minds that we will never be able to fathom in all our time.

You live in a small town.......here's my take on your mother. I suspect, rather strongly, that everyone in town knows that your mother lies, embellishes and controls the people closest to her. Generally, people can spot a liar/controller from a mile away. I imagine that you have a great deal of genuine caring and sympathy from the people of your town. And I, for one, am elated that she's moving. You're one lucky woman! (i had one of those mothers, too.) xoxox pat

Grace,

I certainly can't explain your mother, but what I can say is that you have made HUGE steps in your recovery, and so has your husband. But there are more steps for both of you to take in the coming months, so I would focus on the two of you for a change. Let your mom move on for now and work on your relationship with her when your life has calmed down. I think that right now, your priorities are you, your kids, your husband, and then your mom. Maybe warn your brother though =). She'll see what a difference you've made when things calm down. She'll see how happy you and your husband are, and then she'll look like the fool. As far as others in your town go, let them talk. Once they see you won't react, it'll die off. Soon you won't be the hot topic anymore once they see that things have improved for you. I say let it all go for now and reconsile later, when you have time and energy! You are a strong woman. Keep drawing on that strength and you'll be fine!!!

Love you sistah!
Rayna

It's okay to care, and grieve, and be angry about what she is doing.

I'm glad to hear that she is moving. In my own case, my mother was my main abuser, so I've plenty of unfortunate stories.

I work on remembering two things, that I get to be human, and that I get to have boundaries. Also, as I was initially sorting some trauma out, I'd ask myself if I'd ever do the same thing to my own son. Would I do to my son what my mother did to me? No way! I might not have yet been able to see what I was worthy of, I might have questioned whether maybe I was over-reacting etc., but once I checked out whether it was okay to do whatever to my son, everything became really clear.

Take way way good care of yourself. Extra bonus comfort time. Verbal abuse can be as bad as a physical pummeling.

Sarah