[offthegrid]

Long story short, my dad and most of his siblings don't get along because of decades of legitimately toxic behavior. As a result, I have stopped going to all family functions other than maybe the occasional funeral. I only talk to maybe 3 people on that side of the family now. The rest of that side of the family are all one big happy family.

My grandmother passed away last year and my aunts (the main ones I don't get along with) divied up most of her hats from the 1930s-80s. I am really into vintage fashion. Even before my grandmother passed away we passionately connected on matters of clothing and style. It would really mean a lot to me if I could have even one of her hats. They aren't seeing the light of day right now!

I find it really awkward to even temporarily borrow pictures from my grandma's old house to copy and give back. I'm afraid of the drama that would ensue if I asked the aunt I get along with for a hat. I'm afraid my relatives may blow the situation way out of proportion. I could just not bother with this at all and continue to bottle up everything and passively let my relatives commandeer every material vestige of my grandparents…as usual. Is it stupid for even bringing up?

[Rapunzel]

What would you be risking if you asked? Things aren't going to get much worse than they already are, right? She could say no, but she also might appreciate that you want to remember and honor your grandmother.

I'm another exile. My extended family is great, it's just that my dad was in the Air Force and we moved the the other side of the world when I was 11 and being the oldest child of two oldest children, most of my cousins are at least 10 years younger than me or more, and my parents didn't communicate with me for decades, so I just don't have relationships with anyone because I didn't have opportunity. When my grandfather died, my parents wouldn't let me ask for anything that anyone else wanted. My grandfather made violins and painted. I had asked him to teach me to play the violin when I was 9 years old and he said that I was too young. I started to learn to play a few years after he had died. When my aunt realized that my branch of the family didn't have any of my grandfather's violins, she gave me one. I love it, and I think of my grandfather every time I play it. I still wish that I had relationships with my family and I don't know how to do that, but I'm glad for the violin.

You never know. Will you regret asking or not asking more a few years from now?

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

I would ask. From the way you wrote about it, it sounds like you would phrase the request sensitively. They may turn you down, they may not. Sometimes people get strangely material about these things. One of my aunts rented a storage unit to store my grandmother's stuff. As far as I know, she still rents it and it's been 15+ years.

Just curious -- whose behavior was toxic, your father's? Would you want a relationship with this part of your family? My father's side of the family doesn't like my father, but I've found that it is possible to have my own relationships with them that don't involve him.

[offthegrid]

Rapunzel:
It's cool that you got a violin! Sorry about your grandfather though.

"What would you be risking if you asked?" That's a good question. I guess I am psyching myself out huh? My aunts do all talk to each other and they could spin it in a way like I'm trying to just be greedy and infringe on things. If such conversation ever got back to my Dad he would keep bringing it up making me feel bad about the whole thing.

hvert:
There's 60 years of issues lol. Mostly my granddad was emotionally abusive to my dad, not so much the other people. The older aunts and uncles are under the impression that my dad was my grandmothers favorite. Nothing physical but most of the siblings kind if left my dad out of things because they accused him of always thinking he was "better than" them. The main issues are with 2 aunts in particular and a few of the cousins. These 2 aunts tend to be controlling and don't handle it well when people don't do or think whatever they happen to agree with.

The aunts are very passive aggressive and spread rumors about things..or when it comes to my dad the oldest aunt is just aggressive :/ I can have more cordial interactions with several cousins on that side of the family closer to my age. There is one aunt in particular that I interact with the most and she's not aggressive about things. If I want to get a hat, that's the aunt I need to talk to (she lives in my grandparents old house). If she takes things offensively, she may complain to her sisters and open up a can of worms. She may cool about it.

My dad wants to cut all contact at this point. If I don't want to cut all contact, then he may see it as some kind of betrayal or something, or constantly remind me of all the mean things his family has done to him over the years (he says he's not bitter but he totally is). Like I said, I get along with a few of my younger cousins who don't get involved in the drama and I don't want things to be awkward with them.