[Behappy27]

A year ago, I was seeing this guy for 2 years. It was a great relationship. The relationship broke because the pressure of his family on him and it led him to drink so much. It had him raging at me. I knew he never ever meant it towards me on purpose. He did everything right and sweetly as a boyfriend. He was the first guy that was like me. I had to let him go, I met this new guy at work. I decided after all this on and off with my ex was crazy, that I made a stupid choice to jump into a relationship so soon after. I left him to go back to my ex about a month after, i fell for his words and was stupid. I was intimate with my bf before i left, it was his first time. It makes everything even worse. Im a bad person, i thought hed change and told my boyfriend that i was sorry but i have to leave, so i left. I slept with my ex, felt horrible after. I wont sit here and say it was a mistake, i did it. My ex went back to his old way, and i went to my bf and asked for forgiveness, he took me back, i understood he was torn, i respected and felt grateful he had a heart to take me back. Throughout the relationship, my boyfriend never seemed to love me or cared for me, it been a year now, i haven't spoken to my ex, but time to time i did search up his name and i guess history never leaves and my boyfriend found it. This was a few months ago. I never lie and do anything that has to do with my ex because i dont love my bf, but because i felt lonely through this whole relationship. I always wait for his calls, always doing everything he wants, hed go through everything of mine, always desperate for him. He treated me like crap. I dont blame him. I hurt him tons, he has the right not to trust me. Now he says he doesnt want to try anymore. I want to be with him so bad. I cryall the time because i want his love, and he always want me to give give give, he always says " you messed up and now you gotta pay" ive been clean with my actions for months now, then again, i dont blame you guys not to believe me. Ive left my man down. I promise towards god, i truly love him and really want this to work. He says he wants his space.. I give him.. But we still end up fighting because he always gets mad at me, brings his anger towards other things home to me. I dont know how to make my bf less hurt and more loving. Im in the wrong yes. But i dont want to pay for this anymore. I cry and he sits there and smiles. I tell him my feelings and he goes to sleep. I give him sex, and hell go watch tv after. Like hes always with his friends all the time. I dont know what to do to save my relationship. Im tired of begging. I am not strong. Hes starting to call me fat.. Im skinny and have a little chub on my tummy. Im insecure now.. And tired of crying. Im afraid to say, ive cut myself.. Hit myself in the head with a bottle, doors, and litteraly shake when i cry like really bad, ive left the house hoping to get raped, or killed.Im not crazy:'( im not understood. My bf has done so muh to me to feel low of myself.. He still thinks, i should pay for my mistakes.. Like heck im literally trying to kill myself.. He doesnt care if im dead. What do i do? I dont want to be without him, i know ill be fine without him. But i want to save us, his pain and hurting cuz of me is going to kill me one day. I pray and nothing happens.. I dont want to die, i just want to be loved. My bf feels that he will do it when he is ready but till the he can treat me however he wants. Aaaahhh.

[hvert]

You can't make your boyfriend less hurt and more loving. He sounds like he's just toying with you at this point, punishing you for cheating on him a few months later. Why not end this relationship? It doesn't sound like it's really working for either of you?

[Behappy27]

Thank you reading. Yeah i am considering. He tells me he wants to leave, but always come back. Then complains. I want to stay, but i dont want the abuse anymore. He doesnt trust me, i dont blame him. He says he wants his space to be the old him, he cant be him if i keep crying and bugging him. But its been a year. Like wwwooooww.

[wish_I_was]

I don't think there is any saving this relationship sweetie. He sounds like he doesn't truly love you and is just using you and making you pay for what happened in the past. You both would be better off moving on and starting fresh with someone else.

[Behappy27]

Yeah i believe so, i want him to be happy and myself. Thank you for your response.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Behappy27

A year ago, I was seeing this guy for 2 years. It was a great relationship. The relationship broke because the pressure of his family on him and it led him to drink so much. It had him raging at me. I knew he never ever meant it towards me on purpose. He did everything right and sweetly as a boyfriend. He was the first guy that was like me. I had to let him go, I met this new guy at work. I decided after all this on and off with my ex was crazy, that I made a stupid choice to jump into a relationship so soon after. I left him to go back to my ex about a month after, i fell for his words and was stupid. I was intimate with my bf before i left, it was his first time. It makes everything even worse. Im a bad person, i thought hed change and told my boyfriend that i was sorry but i have to leave, so i left. I slept with my ex, felt horrible after. I wont sit here and say it was a mistake, i did it. My ex went back to his old way, and i went to my bf and asked for forgiveness, he took me back, i understood he was torn, i respected and felt grateful he had a heart to take me back. Throughout the relationship, my boyfriend never seemed to love me or cared for me, it been a year now, i haven't spoken to my ex, but time to time i did search up his name and i guess history never leaves and my boyfriend found it. This was a few months ago. I never lie and do anything that has to do with my ex because i dont love my bf, but because i felt lonely through this whole relationship. I always wait for his calls, always doing everything he wants, hed go through everything of mine, always desperate for him. He treated me like crap. I dont blame him. I hurt him tons, he has the right not to trust me. Now he says he doesnt want to try anymore. I want to be with him so bad. I cryall the time because i want his love, and he always want me to give give give, he always says " you messed up and now you gotta pay" ive been clean with my actions for months now, then again, i dont blame you guys not to believe me. Ive left my man down. I promise towards god, i truly love him and really want this to work. He says he wants his space.. I give him.. But we still end up fighting because he always gets mad at me, brings his anger towards other things home to me. I dont know how to make my bf less hurt and more loving. Im in the wrong yes. But i dont want to pay for this anymore. I cry and he sits there and smiles. I tell him my feelings and he goes to sleep. I give him sex, and hell go watch tv after. Like hes always with his friends all the time. I dont know what to do to save my relationship. Im tired of begging. I am not strong. Hes starting to call me fat.. Im skinny and have a little chub on my tummy. Im insecure now.. And tired of crying. Im afraid to say, ive cut myself.. Hit myself in the head with a bottle, doors, and litteraly shake when i cry like really bad, ive left the house hoping to get raped, or killed.Im not crazy:'( im not understood. My bf has done so muh to me to feel low of myself.. He still thinks, i should pay for my mistakes.. Like heck im literally trying to kill myself.. He doesnt care if im dead. What do i do? I dont want to be without him, i know ill be fine without him. But i want to save us, his pain and hurting cuz of me is going to kill me one day. I pray and nothing happens.. I dont want to die, i just want to be loved. My bf feels that he will do it when he is ready but till the he can treat me however he wants. Aaaahhh.

behappy..i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but i may as well give it to you straight. your bf is being very vindictive and is punishing you for hurting him.

he has no intention of forgiving you and is having great joy in making you suffer, some people cannot forgive..and that's ok...i believe you keep taking the punishment because you think you deserve it. what you did before was "wrong" but it doesn't mean you deserve a life sentence. in reality he should have taken the high road and informed you that you crossed a boundary that cannot be forgiven..broke up with you and left it at that. he decided "you must pay" and apparently you agree with him..no amount of "payment" is going to win his heart back and cause him to suddenly let up..he is not going to forgive you. he will punish you as long as you let him

before you can love anyone..you have to love YOURSELF first, at this point i'm not convinced that you do. first you say you don't love him, the you say you want his love...it seems to me you are a lil confused...you should take a step back from the both of them, take some time for yourself and figure out what it is you truly want. first i think you want to be loved, yet you don't love yourself..start by being kind to yourself,appreciating yourself..thinking about all the things you like about you.

this relationship is toxic and unhealthy..you really should walk away now..i promise you..it'll get no better.take some time to work on you.

i hope this helps

[healingme4me]

Maybe you rushed into this, with your bf? Just because you were his first time, you aren't obligated to be his only.

Not only are you beating yourself up, emotionally, you are beating yourself up, physically. Is there anyone you can turn to, in your non online life?

Is your bf, threatening to kill you, or is it an expression, that this is killing you, emotionally? Either way, about one in the same.

Love isn't a painful thing, not designed to be. If it is, it's time to look at the true source of pain. Unmet relationship needs, is one area to look at.

When he says, you've gotta pay, how so? What's he planning?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[lwood797]

That is not how to mend things on his part. If he truly wants to make it work he has to stop trying to punish you and forgive. He may still be hurt, but hurting you in turn won't make it any better. If you still want to try and make it work you need to make that clear. Right now you are giving him all the power and he knows it. Knowing you did wrong and admitting it and showing that you are committed to repairing things should be enough. Forgive yourself as well. Things will get better

[Behappy27]

Thanks everyone. I took all your advices. We have broken up. I realized i have learned from my mistakes and wont ever do them again. I am going to focus on career and personal life and try to be happy. You are all right. I never loved myself. The biggest love i can get from anyone is myself. I wasted my time trying to beg him for anything! I care still but i gotta care for myself more. Now he ignores me and i have basically given up. Thank you all. <3

[Bill3]

Thanks for letting us know!