[College2014]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He works full time as well as farms almost 300 acres. He is a very hard working man and is very smart and funny as well. We have been living together since October of 2012. We live on 20 acres, and his parents live on about 100 acres down the road from us.

His mother is the issue why I am in this room. She has been taken care of by men all of her life and has not ever had to fend for herself. She is retired and loves to cook and clean. That is about all she can do, as she does not have any education past the 12th grade, has no sense of direction, and like my boyfriend says "she is ditsy (sp)." I see it as dumb. That is besides the point.

She likes to say things to be to try to get my goat. The other day we were outside looking at the landscaping and she showed me some flower that just went in bloom. I asked her "why do those flowers go into bloom so late in the season." Her her response to me was "Well you were a late bloomer." I was like thinking to myself, what the hell is she talking about. She don't know me. My response back to her was "I started my period when was 12, I have been in bloom for years." It pissed me off so bad, I could not believe it.

I have been on leave from work as I had surgery 4 weeks ago. I am due to go back to work next week. Today, she came over, which she does not do that much, and she woke me up from a nap. All she could say to me when she got in the house was "Oh just waking up, god you are spoiled." I am just thinking, what is wrong with this woman. She does not have a life except for bowing down to her husband all the time, cooking and cleaning oh and gardening are her things that she likes. Good for her, she is a good, she keeps a clean house and she loves to pull weeds. She is good at it.

So why do mother's of boyfriends or husbands say things like to the spouse of their son? I know one thing, she not have much self-esteem. She is so unsure of herself and her lack of street smarts, living life outside of the farm, and not having anymore education than the 12th grade has a lot to do with it.

My boyfriend and I love each other and he has been upset at her a few times with things she has said to me, but I do not want to tell him everything that she says to me as I do not want our relationship to falter because of her.

Any suggestions or any input from anyone on this web site would be appreciated. Thank you.

Becky

[waiting4]

Wow Becky...I think you need to dial it back a little.

To start with, just because she has not had any education beyond the 12th grade does not make her 'dumb', by any means...just as your lack of grammatical ability does not condemn you to the list of 'stupid' either.

If she has cooked, cleaned, gardened and taken care of her husband and children...and is 'good at it', that does NOT mean she has no self esteem...nor does it make her 'ditzy' although, just for the record, ditzy can be considered rather cute and endearing....two things you have established with this post, you prefer not to be. I will add, with the comment about her self-esteem, you seem to be judging her by the yardstick you have set for yourself...and by your own words, you have come up wanting.

You refer to yourself as your bf's spouse when you ask why 'mother's of boyfriends say things like to the spouse of their son [sic]'....you are not the spouse. You are the gf...and if you continue to alienate and complain to your bf about his mother, it will go very unpleasantly for you, guaranteed.

Her comment that you are a 'late bloomer'..I grant is not easily understood, but the snarky reply outlining the time you reached sexual maturity, showed without a doubt your immaturity. She made, what I thought, a rather abstract answer to your question; you made it a personal attack and then defended yourself. If you think YOU were confused, I cannot imagine her confusion was any less with your reply.

Her comment about you just waking up when she came over (after your surgery 4 weeks previous) ....not sure what type of surgery, time frame for recovery etc...but if this woman has spent the majority of her life caring for other people, she may honestly have not understood your 'lying in' when so much needed (in her opinion) to be done. Simply explaining might have helped her understand....I'm relatively certain, that was NOT your response.

Let me finish by saying I had the mother-in-law from hell....seriously.

I was told, that before I'd ever met her or my ex-H, she too did the cleaning, cooking, the raising of 6 children ostensibly by herself as her husband was in the army and gone from the family the majority of her married life--and when he retired he only lived a few years before passing away from a stroke, which was considered a service related injury as he'd been literally blown out of 2 tanks during the Korean war. This woman then had to take responsibility for all 6 children, 3 who were underage when he passed....she never held a job before, and had to find work. She did. She paid off the family home and managed to save a little until she, herself retired and she never stopped working until she was of retirement age. She did, eventually end up a bitter, nasty woman who blamed her husband for dying and foisted upon my (now ex) husband the mantle of his father, like it or not. But I never, ever, nor would I ever, take away what she accomplished with what she was given.....nor should you, his mother.

Perhaps, if you try to avoid feeling that she is a competitor in your life with your bf, and actually get to KNOW her...you might find the respect for her she deserves. With my ex MIL, I did find it....she became awful much later in her years, but I still would never deny her kudo's for her achievements, nor would I berate her because she never went to college.

You will do yourself a huge service if you TRY....your bf will appreciate it, your (possible) mother-in-law might discover a charming, witty woman who will be the husband to a beloved son, and mother to her grandchildren....and you will have matured an 'early bloomer' Don't heed my words.....and I can pretty much promise....you are in for a miserable marriage to your bf................that is, if he decides to marry you, and thereby bring you into his family...at all.

Take care.

Btw...I have a 12th grade education, am a member of Mensa, and am no dummy.

[healingme4me]

I can appreciate that, as a parent, one wants to look out for their children's best interests. Yet, cannot expect that our children will marry men or women who are mirror images.
Not sure, what she meant about late blooming. Are you involved at a later age, than she was? Maybe she has her own sets of dreams or this is her dream? Are you, in her mind, the type of woman, to carry forward, the family legacy?
Her concern about being spoiled may tie into that. Not sure.

That's my perception.

[hvert]

I thought the response to the 'late bloomer' conversation was hysterical - I'd love to know how she responded.

I don't know why there is a competition between mothers and the women their sons wind up with. I'm very thankful that mine lives 400 miles away because I can't stand her. If you don't see a move to a different state in your future, you'll have to figure out how to let this stuff slide off your back more easily.

I wonder what would happen if you asked her to explain these little snipes. When she says something randomly rude, ask her "What makes you say that?" It's possible that you are jumping to the wrong conclusion -- and if you aren't, she may get uncomfortable if she is asked to explain exactly why she is being snippy.

I make sure that you are being as polite and kind to her as you expect her to be to you. Do you snipe at her too?

If you aren't doing this already, let her have some alone time with her son. I started doing this with my boyfriend's mother and it's worked out wonderfully. She is happy to see her son one-on-one and I don't have to deal with her as much

[RRex]

Been there. Done that. It's a matter of control. That's her little boy and she doesn't consider you good enough for him.

Frankly, I'd tell her off, but that's me. Good luck.

[blur]

i think you have misunderstood her late bloomer comment. a late bloomer is one who becomes their own person later in life. that is the usual meaning of the expression which refers to one's career and personal talents. she wasn't commenting on when you started your period or your sexuality. lol! she was just being witty or making a pun on your initial comment and that shows intelligence. i agree that she isn't dumb just because she doesn't have a college degree. there is a difference between being educated and being intelligent.

now her comment about you being spoiled was definitely rude. if she does say something rude to you deal with it directly but without being rude in return and don't put your bf in the middle of you two. you live next door to her and she's your bf's mom so you might as well try to understand her. i would do your best to get along with her and stop judging her. it sounds like you are probably from different backgrounds, and so it is good to try to understand where she's coming from rather than judging her. different is not wrong; it is just different. why not extend the olive branch and try to find something the two of you can do together for fun and to try to create a positive bond?

[Teacake]

You like how your boyfriend turned out. Have some respect for the woman who raised him. That's what she was doing when she wasn't going to college or work. She was raising your boyfriend. The men in her family value her position so much they have always taken care of her. Guess what. They always will.

Your boyfriend can have dozens and dozens of girlfriends before he chooses his spouse. He only gets one mother.

I will guess that you are feeling pinched because after three years, you are not married or engaged. I think you know this is because the mama hasn't given her son the green light on you. I don't know how to advise you beyond to say that if you want to belong to this family, know whose family it is.

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, Beckster2014. Your boyfriend's significant other appears to be his mother.

I wish you well.

[Jan1212]

She is your BFs mom, not yours, he should talk to her. You should communicate with your boyfriend he knows her better and can explain her attitude or maybe even stick up for you. Seems like you are venting which is totally fine.

[College2014]

Yeah I know I need to scale back a little. I get so frustrated at times. I have just been grinning and bearing it for a while now, and need to vent about this to someone. Thank you everyone for all your input. I have been feeling like maybe I should just ask her why she has made these types of comments to me. But then, I do believe she will not remember what she has said either, as she forgets alot. Her uncle had dementia and I wonder sometimes if she is showing signs of it too.

I will read and retain what everyone has typed back to me and take it in. Thanks again.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Beckster2014

But then, I do believe she will not remember what she has said either, as she forgets alot. Her uncle had dementia and I wonder sometimes if she is showing signs of it too.

I will read and retain what everyone has typed back to me and take it in. Thanks again.

That's a very good point Becky. It should be something you might want to talk to your bf about, but in a sympathetic way (of course). Dementia has a tremendous affect on personality, as well as memory. I would definitely try the 'understanding' bit....certainly couldn't hurt. Meantime, pay attention to her moods, thought processes (as much as you can) to get a better idea of what her motivations are.

You CAN ask her about some of the things she says, but it would probably be more helpful to question (gently) those things just as she's said them, thereby limiting her lack of recall.

I know you're upset, and frustrated (I know exactly how you feel, truly) but I would have you make it easier on yourself and your bf, and leading with a snarky reply to her incomprehensible comment, won't do that. Vent here....call it a vent....then take a deep breath and carry on.

You seem empathetic...I wish you luck.