[hurting__]

...but I do. My ex and I were together for 4 years and broke up six months ago. I still madly love him and I want nothing more than to have him back. But the problem is, I should hate him. He cheated numerous times, occasionally physically abused me, and even now when I speak to him, he still speaks to me like I'm dirt. But I still keep crawling back, and all my brain keeps telling me is that I need him and I love him and that I need him back. He told me he's trying to change. He wants to get back together. But my family hates him. And I should too...I don't think he can change..sorry for the rant, I just feel so angry at myself..I shouldn't love him! I should hate him I hate myself instead..why do I love him so much? Why can't I get over the ***?

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I'm right there with you, hun.

My ex pulled some messed up stunts and even now when I'm aware of him and his games I can't help but feel like I need him.

I tried to remain friends too but in the end the greatest amount of healing has come from cutting him from my life.

If that's an option for you maybe you should take it into consideration.

[hurting__]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I'm right there with you, hun.

My ex pulled some messed up stunts and even now when I'm aware of him and his games I can't help but feel like I need him.

I tried to remain friends too but in the end the greatest amount of healing has come from cutting him from my life.

If that's an option for you maybe you should take it into consideration.

I definitely think that willl be a very good option, thank you

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[ace333]

he won't change, take it from me. i have been with my bf six years and we broke up for a month when we got back together things were great for about a month, its been six months since and hes been the one verbally abusing me and im at the point questioning if i should end it...he's not going to change and treats me like garbage. but blames everything on me and calls me stupid and says he knows he can do anything and ill just kiss his *****. this comment alone has made me really question why im with him at all....he tries to pretend he never said this and everything is fine, its been three days im still mad and still really think about leaving him this time for good, and he deserves it

[Trippin2.0]

When I broke up with my abusive ex of 5 years, it was definitely not because I didn't love him anymore.

It was because I knew he wasn't good for me, because I knew he wasn't good to me.
Most of all though, it was definitely because I owed my daughter better choices than the ones I made for myself thus far. He wasn't good for her, and that was what made me finally walk away for good and not get reeled back in.

Walking away from him didn't switch off my love, there was no switch, I had to grieve our relationship just like I would have had to grieve a healthy one.

Just because he turned out to be an azzhole didn't mean the relationship suddenly meant nothing to me, didn't erase the plans, hopes and shattered dreams I had for a future with him. Didn't erase the good times I shared with him either.

He played a HUGE role in my life for a significant amount of time, a loss is a loss is a loss... even if he's wrapped in a shytti abusive bow. Its still something missing, an integral part of your life that's suddenly missing.

So yes, I mourned the death of our relationship for months, even with him stalking me and threatening my life. I grieved for what once was and what now would really and truly never ever be.

Beating myself up over not hating him when I should have, got me nowhere. It was actually my brother that got me to see that I was holding myself hostage and hindering my progress because I didn't believe I had the right to grieve... I thought he didn't deserve my grieving after he beat me to a pulp. But my perception was quite off, the grief wasn't for him, it was for me, to process all I had that I had lost and all I never would have.

The point of me sharing this with you guys?

There is no off switch, but you need to remember why you choose to walk away, and slowly but surely your heart will catch up with your head. Don't push it, don't fight it, don't berate yourself for it like I did.

Also! I wanted to agree that you guys are 100% right, they never change. Its more than 5 years later and I heard he still mistakes girlfriends for punching bags.

I thank God everyday my daughter gave me the push I needed to end it, and end it for real. Because today I have a wonderful bf who's taught me so much about being in a healthy, loving, equal partner relationship.
A bf who's a better man and a better role model for my daughter than her "father" ever was, a bf I would've never been with had I not walked away from that toxic mess I was in.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by hurting__

...but I do. My ex and I were together for 4 years and broke up six months ago. I still madly love him and I want nothing more than to have him back. But the problem is, I should hate him. He cheated numerous times, occasionally physically abused me, and even now when I speak to him, he still speaks to me like I'm dirt. But I still keep crawling back, and all my brain keeps telling me is that I need him and I love him and that I need him back. He told me he's trying to change. He wants to get back together. But my family hates him. And I should too...I don't think he can change..sorry for the rant, I just feel so angry at myself..I shouldn't love him! I should hate him I hate myself instead..why do I love him so much? Why can't I get over the ***?

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THE ONLY WAY YOU ARE GOING TO GET OVER HIM IS TO CUT OFF ALL CONTACT..I LEARNED THIS LESSON WITH MY EX

as long as you keep talking to him, you are going to keep wanting him & loving him & missing him.

it hurts for a while but it gets better, been about 7 months for me.
i stupidly flew out to oregon to spend my ex's birthday with her.

worst decision i ever made, i thought if i went out there somehow we would get back together, all it did was break my heart all over again and prolong the healing process.

i begged her for months to come back home..to no avail
i cried myself to sleep almost nightly..hurt like hell.
i had a really hard time getting over her, 5 yrs down the drain & a really good and true friend..all lost.

i was devastated, you are going to want to get out and start meeting new people and cut off all contact..IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

i tried to keep talking to her..i felt like i had to & couldn't let her go.
the best thing i did was allow her to cut off all contact.

i could have kept trying and she would have took my calls..but i realized things were never going to change between us & even if we did get back together we would be back to arguing and fighting in no time flat.

the only way i could heal was to let her go & let it stay that way.

[healingme4me]

You are correct, he won't change. Talk is cheap.

Saw this quote today..

'Codependency is driven by the agreement that I will work harder on your problem and your life than you do. This is not Love. '-unknown

Not sure if that applies to you? It's rather typical of abusive relationships. Reality is, statistically speaking, it takes well over a dozen times before a victim actually leaves. Some physical abuse, is still abuse.

Are you currently in counseling? It's a good start to help regain clarity.

They seem like best friends, don't they? Best friends don't strip a person's dignity, sense of self worth, make empty promises. And they certainly don't treat with malicious intent.

Once the roller coaster dynamics are in place, there's really no turning back.

What makes him the end all, be all to your existence?

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by hurting__

I just feel so angry at myself..I shouldn't love him! I should hate him I hate myself instead..why do I love him so much? Why can't I get over the ***?

In my experience, what you are writing about is NOT LOVE. It's a Codependent form of NEED or NEUROSIS. Since Codependency is such a deep, mysterious and often FRIGHTENING subject, I'll just share my experience here.
I hated my self because I was trained to have a bad attitude about me by my own, Codependent parents! This is the quick and simple explanation. The full one would take up several pages! But, in many ways, self hate or self contempt causes Codependency which makes us think we "love" someone when its really that we NEED them - like a drowning man NEEDS air!

This question: why do I love him so much? really should be: why do I NEED him so much? and Codependents NEED others because they were emotionally damaged in early childhood and have big holes and wounds around inadequate parenting which sends them off desperately searching for a "good" parent later in life and once they find one (any one!) they cling to their new found parent/partner like it's a matter of LIFE AND DEATH!

Regarding: Why can't I get over the ***?
Not sure what the *** is but Codependents are pretty much stuck with their addiction to others because they are deeply wounded, programmed and HYPNOTIZED by the damages done to them early on and really cannot help them self, like alcoholics, WITHOUT some kind of help from somewhere. IMO, the only way to get over Codependency is in therapy, a support group like Codependents Anonymous or some kind of Spiritual Awakening so toss a coin and take your chances if you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to break the spell of Codependency and all the terrible problems it causes you.
Good luck,
jim