[MissBelle00]

This is about my boyfriend. I found out a while back that he has a porn problem.
The first time I caught him, it was right after we had had sex, I fell asleep and woke up with him on the bed next to me, jacking off to porn.
We had an ugly fight and almost broke up, but then he promised to stop altogether - said he'd never do it again.

The second time I caught him was months later; we hadn't had any sexual relations for about two months, which was frustrating, but I wasn't pressuring him, you know? I just never said anything about it, and stopped initiating it, so it never happened again.
So one day I left the house and was supposed to have been gone for two hours, but finished early and came home an hour early. Walked in on him watching porn.
He waited for the only two hours of the day I would be gone to take care of his needs, while simultaneously breaking a promise, being disrespectful, and ignoring my needs.
We also fought an ugly fight, he was gone to his parents' for a week, I cried every day for a week.

His excuses for this behavior is that he's been depressed lately because we have poor communication, so his sexual desire has been low, he doesn't feel like doing it, but yet he has no problem jacking off to porn and having a sexless relationship with me.

When I caught him the second time I exploded and screamed on his face, that if he doesn't like me anymore he should just leave instead of playing me this way. He promises me he still likes and loves me and he still finds me hot and attractive, and that he would rather have sex with me, that he just has a problem. He told me the only reason he hadn't gone to see a therapist is because of money. So I found a therapist who agreed to let him see one of his interns and pay $20 per session. He's been to one session so far and is supposed to have his second one tomorrow.

But MY problem is that now I'm traumatized. Ever since I caught him the first time, I noticed myself getting paranoid. I would sometimes wake up at night and he was still up, watching stuff on his phone (netflix), and I would get paranoid that he'd be watching porn. So I'd just lay there pretending to be asleep and listening to see if I could hear him jacking off (the sound became burned in my mind after the first time I caught him). It started happening a lot. I'm sure my mind started playing tricks on me, because a lot of the times I think I hear him doing something, but I can never be quite sure. I start telling myself, "He's just gotten really good at hiding it".
Basically every time I fall asleep by him I wake up with this panicky feeling. If I'd fall asleep in the afternoon and wake up, maybe he'd be in the bathroom, then I'd start panicking and thinking he's jacking off to porn in the bathroom, or while taking a shower, etc.

Last night was the worst. I woke up and thought I heard him put some saliva on his hand and jack off, and I woke up into a panic. I got up, half asleep, asked if he was watching porn, and he showed me Futurama playing on his phone. But I was shaking, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I stayed there shaking and crying for a long while, and realized I had given myself a panic attack. He stayed outside the door asking if I was ok and waiting for me to come out. I came out but couldn't stand up for long, so I just went back to bed and fell asleep.

This morning he acted like nothing happened. He kissed me and played with me like he usually does, got me up to eat breakfast with him, told me about some weird dream he had, and left for work.

First question: Should I bring this up with him and tell him I had a panic attack?

Second: How do I deal with this trauma/paranoia I developed? I imagine he's doing something even when he isn't.

I really want to see a therapist but I have no money, and I won't be able to see a free one until my classes start two weeks from now - if they have one available.

Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance.

[~Christina]

If you can find him Therapy for 20.00 .. You need Therapy just as much as he does. Maybe start calling now to set up an appt for you ? You need Therapy just as much if not more than he does.

Right now you are hurt and your not going to trust him about this issue... It would be natural to having panic issues about it... But you still have to cope with YOUR reactions to it..You need to find a way to cope while he is seeking therapy and hopefully wanting to quit his "addiction" to porn.

Therapy for you is going to help you learn a way to stay mentally healthy while allowing him to work on the problems that he has... that effect you so much that your physically sick over it.

This is not going to be a quick fix.. these things take time.

I hope your able to find some relief from the panic and anxiety

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If you can find him Therapy for 20.00 .. You need Therapy just as much as he does. Maybe start calling now to set up an appt for you ? You need Therapy just as much if not more than he does.

Right now you are hurt and your not going to trust him about this issue... It would be natural to having panic issues about it... But you still have to cope with YOUR reactions to it..You need to find a way to cope while he is seeking therapy and hopefully wanting to quit his "addiction" to porn.

Therapy for you is going to help you learn a way to stay mentally healthy while allowing him to work on the problems that he has... that effect you so much that your physically sick over it.

This is not going to be a quick fix.. these things take time.

I hope your able to find some relief from the panic and anxiety

I really want to see a therapist, believe me. I already went to my university but because it's summer, they told me I can't see one.
As for paying for one, if I could I really would. I lost my job back in March and have been literally scraping for any money I need for bills and groceries. The $20 he's using for his session tomorrow is the $20 I gave him out of my $60 that I have to survive on until the end of this month.

Unfortunately it just looks like I'm gonna have to wait. I know I need therapy. But what am I going to do? That's the reason why I came to this forum. I need some sort of help, if a therapist just isn't a possibility right now.

I don't know what else to do...

[~Christina]

yeah I know you were in a bind money wise.

You should learn some breathing exercises and meditation... Mindfulness would also be really helpful for you right now.

Do you have a hobby or something you enjoy that you can just throw yourself into right now just to help take your mind off all the issues? When I need distractions I read until my eyes bleed to give myself a break from whatever has me emotionally upset.

Certainly keep posting here !

[MissBelle00]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

yeah I know you were in a bind money wise.

You should learn some breathing exercises and meditation... Mindfulness would also be really helpful for you right now.

Do you have a hobby or something you enjoy that you can just throw yourself into right now just to help take your mind off all the issues? When I need distractions I read until my eyes bleed to give myself a break from whatever has me emotionally upset.

Certainly keep posting here !

Yeah, I've been desperate to find something to just help me relax LoL. I picked up some old dusty books last week and started reading them again. I've been playing some chill video games that I never had time to play when I was going for my AA degree (because I was an Honors student). I know that when I start my Bachelor's I'm not gonna have time to breathe either.

I wanna start exercising soon. I was supposed to have gone to the gym this week, but I've been depressed and fatigued, and I think it's because I've been eating so poorly (hardly anything), I just don't have any nutrients in my body. I've been sleeping for most of the days since my summer classes ended.

I'm depressed and I know it. The hardest part is getting myself stable enough to actually get up and do something... and not succumb to just wallowing in my own misery.

I also really love painting, I've been wanting to get back into that for two years now, but no money for the materials. One day...

[AspenGirl]

Hang in there until you can find a therapist. I really think it will help you deal with your anxiety and panic attacks. You are traumatized. Your boyfriend broke your trust. You put your faith and trust into him, he said he'd stop doing those behaviors that hurt you, and he did them again. No wonder you are paranoid. I would be, too. And angry! Trust is VERY difficult to get back once it is broken. Your panic attack might be a way for your brain to deal with all this emotion and betrayal. Tell him about the panic attack. Tell him how you feel. He needs to know. I really hope you can get some help dealing with this. It is a lot to deal with.

[aventurapsych]

the best thing you can do if you can't see a therapist is try to communicate better with him and maybe give him some resources about porn addiction.

[MissBelle00]

Our communication has deteriorated so much, and he's so hard headed...