[wombat1]

I'm dating a guy who is a procrastinator in some aspects. I'm more of a planner so we often face conflicts, but I've been trying to be more understanding. One thing that frustrates me lately is that he's been driving with an expired license for almost a month. He's actually driving with an expired license from another state because he moved recently.

I know he's very busy at work, and for that reason, I reminded him before it expired and again on the expiration date. I tried to control myself and mentioned it only twice after it expired. His excuse is that he's busy and he can't do more than two things at a time because he's not good at multitasking. At one point, he did go but he forgot to take a document. I sent him a list of things to take but he is forgetful sometimes.

A part of it, I think, is that he doesn't think it's a big deal. He's not always a procrastinator but for things like this, he is. I try not to mind his business but sometimes it's not easy to do that. I try because I can be control freak from his perspective. However, I don't understand why he's stressing himself out when he could've just renewed it during the past month and just be done with it. He knew he was going to be busy this month and will be busy for next few months as well.

The question is: Am I overreacting if I tell him I can't sit in his car because he's technically driving illegally?

[hvert]

That's overreacting imo unless you don't drive. If he gets caught while you are in the car, can you drive the car home? He may not be able to. If you can't drive, then you could be stuck. In that case, I wouldn't make any long distance trips with him.

Dating can be hard when you both have very different sensibilities of when things should be done. As the planner, it's very easy to fall into the 'doing it for him' trap - and then resent that you are doing everything even though he didn't ask you.

For this relationship to work, I think you need to find a way to let go of your feelings when he does this stuff. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. I do some stuff for my boyfriend and just let go of other stuff.

Interestingly (to me), I tend to procrastinate on car stuff WAY more than my boyfriend, even though I am more of a planner than he is. Maybe there is something you avoid doing? It helps me remember those things when I am frustrated that he is paying a late fee because he hasn't set up auto-pay.

[IceCreamKid]

Honestly, I think you would be better off dating someone else, who shares more of your point of view.

[MissBelle00]

To OP:

Personally, this behavior would bug the heck out of me.
Unfortunately, I agree in part with what hvert says. The reason being, you're only going to stress yourself out by acting this way and getting mad at him for his behavior. The bad news is that it's most likely not going to change him.

If it were me, I would probably have a conversation about this with him ONCE. And say everything I want to say then and there. Get it all out, and don't repeat it later.
I would probably say something along the lines of, If you don't want to get your *** in jail, you'll take care of this. I'm sure you don't feel it's a big deal, but the cop that pulls you over will disagree with your opinion, and I can guarantee you your opinion will NOT trump his.

This stuff does upset me, but you know what? One day it'll catch up to him. If he does get pulled over with an expired license, he WILL be taken to jail asap - especially if it's been well over a month and the cop will see he's had all this time to get this taken care of but he hasn't.
The time that happens, he'll remember the one conversation you've had.

It's not your responsibility to act like his mom and do things for him. He's a grown man and he needs to learn responsibility, and not through you.

If he does end up in jail and it ends up inconveniencing you, like say, you have to go bail him out or something, then I would think it's time for another serious talk. One of those, You need to realize that your behavior is affecting the people around you and that's not fair. Put your foot down and let him know you won't be paying for his shortcomings. You're both adults.

From then, it's all up to what kind of attitude he takes with you. If he apologizes and realizes his behavior is bad, then there's hope that he's maturing. If he gives you poor attitude about this, and acts like he's got all the right answers - that's when I'd advise you start considering ending the relationship.

As it is, there wasn't enough information on your post about his attitude, which I feel is the key point here.

I have been married to a procrastinator for over 30 years. I can pretty much guarantee you that the procrastinating is just the surface. In my experience, procrastinators love getting all the attention they get when they don't do what needs to be done. The attention is negative attention, but it's still attention. And they are often passive-aggressive personalities. Oh...that's LOADS of fun . I strongly suggest you have a good talk with the man-boy you're dating and find out why he chooses to procrastinate instead of being mature and accepting responsibility for what needs to be done.

[ChipperMonkey]

Its sort of a crap excuse to say that he can't multitask and that's why he didn't renew his license. Last time I checked, renewing a license was a SINGULAR task. That is, you gather your necessary documents, you drive to the DMV, and you renew your license. At no point in this procedure is it necessary to do more than one thing at a time.

[scorpiosis37]

I was in a long-term relationship with someone who behaved just like your bf and it ultimately didn't work out because of that. I realized that I was doing well more than my share of the work, I was stressed out all the time, it felt like I had a dead weight attached to me and, when **** hit the fan, THEN she would come to me and ask for my help-- the help she kept on refusing, which led to the problem in the first place. Imagine having children with someone like that. What if the kid needs to go to the doctor to get vaccinations? Or needs papers signed for school? Or needs to get registered for summer camp? I can't imagine someone like my ex being capable of managing all of those details in a timely and efficient manner. Can you do all of that alone without feeling resentful? Or imagine your future child riding in the car with a parent who has an expired license? Procrastinators don't change, at least not without a significant desire to change and a willingness to put in the effort.

If you aren't willing to end the relationship, then I would just refuse to ride in the car with him. I wouldn't want to involve myself in an illegal situation. Maybe then he would start to get the point? But I doubt it would translate into anything beyond the car situation. It just sounds like he is irresponsible and doesn't take his responsibilities seriously.

[Perna]

I don't see anything "technical" about his driving illegally or your supporting his unconcern about it. I would not ride with him until he renews his license.

Ask him which he prefers, a day to get his license or no license (won't be allowed to get one, his will be "suspended"), fines, and/or jail and a criminal record.

Driving Without a License Illinois | 625 ILCS 5/6-101 | No DL

[Fuzzybear]