I'm writing this here because my mother was a child when her older teenage brother committed suicide by gun. She never talks about him, and I am afraid to ask her about him, especially now when our relationship is pretty tense. I live at home with her, postgrad, and am sick of being home and I think that just exacerbates the relationship...
Anyway, I want to know more about her brother, the way she feels about what happened, and how her family reacted (or hushed up). I have felt myself too often what he must have felt in the weeks or days leading up to his death. I, unlike him, have received therapy as well as other kinds of care for this, and my family is aware of my depression, as well as our family's bipolar genes.
Despite all of this, I still cannot get answers about him. I want to know if some of my problems relating to my mom have to do with her pain over the suicide, or the way her mother treated her afterwards. I want to know who he was besides this victim of unrepentant sadness. I recently found a blog post about him, written by a former school peer, and had the strong urge to contact him and ask about my absent never-to-be uncle. Should I contact this stranger? *I apologize if I don't respond right away...I don't always check for responses...sometimes I just write for the need to feel heard. That said, I greatly appreciate readers and commenters**

[Travelinglady]

Hello, bluedonna, and welcome to Psych Central! If your mother was really young, then she might not remember a lot. Plus, it is something that families don't like to talk about.

My husband's grandma and one of his uncles committed suicide, but the family never talked to their children about it. I think depression ran in their family.

Off hand, I see nothing wrong with asking one of his classmates about him. Just don't let your mom know. At least that's my thoughts.....

[guilloche]

I'm sorry you're struggling with your mom, and that you guys have this very big thing between you. It's a really difficult topic to broach.

My concern would be... if your mom hasn't had any therapy or any way to really process this, it might be quite traumatic for her. If you push her to open up to you, it could put her in a really bad place. I don't know - since I don't know you or her. I know that there's stuff in my past that, if pushed by someone (even someone with good intentions) would be too much for me to deal with. I had some very bad experiences with a friend awhile ago who tried to do that with me (in the name of being helpful).

So, I totally understand that you want to know more... and want to understand if what happened affects your relationship with her. But, she might not be able to give you more. I'm sorry for that, it sucks, but that's the way it is. (If she's having other problems, you might gently suggest she try therapy... if she's open to it, I'd imagine that ANY healing she does would help her open up more about her past with you.)

And, I agree... no harm in reaching out to the classmate. Hopefully they can give you some insight into your uncle.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this... good luck...

Thanks alot! You don't think it would be a breach of trust to ask an outsider about my mom's brother? Actually... I've been thinking about asking my dad (who is divorced from my mom) whether she ever talked to him about it. Maybe he can give more insight first.
Maybe it's selfish to want to know. But it feels like a skeleton in the closet. I don't want to be disrespectful: I just want to understand my mother & her parents & my aunt better. My grandparents especially are distant to me, partly because of their religious fervor, but I know it's because of him. I know their faith is largely because of what happened, a survival tactic. I guess I just want to be more compassionate to them.

[Nightside of Eden]

Originally Posted by guilloche

My concern would be... if your mom hasn't had any therapy or any way to really process this, it might be quite traumatic for her. If you push her to open up to you, it could put her in a really bad place. I don't know - since I don't know you or her. I know that there's stuff in my past that, if pushed by someone (even someone with good intentions) would be too much for me to deal with.

I second this. If your mother doesn't wish to talk about this, you need to respect that wish, as it's probably something she's doing for very deep reasons.

I see nothing wrong with contact the classmate who created the blog, though. I don't think asking other people, be they your father or the classmate, is a breach of trust. You're just trying to understand your life and where you came from better. It's still possible your mother will get upset, but honestly that would be her own issue to deal with. You have the right to ask about your own uncle as long as the other person is comfortable answering and not going to be traumatized by it (I would take the classmate's blog as a sign they want to talk about him).

Good luck and I hope you find some answers that help you.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by bluedonna92

Thanks alot! You don't think it would be a breach of trust to ask an outsider about my mom's brother?

I don't think so. This classmate knew your mother's brother... he's free to share his memories with whomever he wants. You're free to ask. I wouldn't pester the classmate if he doesn't want to talk, but there's not anything wrong with asking him to see if he can share. I would think most people would be sympathetic to what you're asking, as long as they're in a place where they feel ok to talk. If I were the classmate, I wouldn't feel bothered by the request... If I were your mother, well, as Nightside of Eden said.. if she finds out and is upset, that's her issue, not yours.

That said... personally, I wouldn't use any info from the classmate to try to spark conversations with your mom, for the reasons already discussed... it would be painful to her.

I hope your able to get more information from the classmate, or your extended family... good luck.

Thanks everyone! I contacted the classmate and he wrote back, astounded to hear from me... I think this can help me a lot.

[lilypup]

Good for you. I hope it eases your mind.
I find that once people get older they can REALLY hang on to secrets and things they don't want to talk about. My grandmother used to say "That is all water under the bridge...why would you bring that up?"