First Break-up - Overcoming Self-Blame & Guilt and Forgiving Myself

Thanks in advance for your advice and wisdom.

I am going through my first break-up. While most people would simply part ways and find other ways to cope, my ex and I never had a clean break, with the exception of 2 months with no contact. In those two months (February to April), I began CBT with a therapist and could finally put a name to all the thoughts and feelings I’d been bottling up for so long. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life but coming out of my first real relationship really tore me apart.

From the time we broke up until now, he always told me I deserved better; he still cares for me, wished for my happiness, insisted on being friends and keeping in touch. After our two month break, I certainly believed I was stronger and could handle being friends with him because I was starting to see results through CBT. But as the months progressed, I realized I still had feelings for him and in turn, I hurt myself more than I should by all my actions. I kept repeating all my mistakes. We hooked up, we texted, hung out together. I gave him a place to stay when he needed it, went out of my way to do nice things for him and when he closed on his first house, I bought him a small house-warming gift. I didn’t want a break-up in the first place but I thought doing all these things and not forcing anything on him would make him want to try to work things out with me. Needless to say, I was falling all over again. I turned to one of my good friends for peace of mind and she believes I am giving him all the power and doesn’t think I need a man to be happy.

At the same time we were contacting each other, I’d already made progress yet I still wanted all his time. All summer, I’ve gone hiking, biking, dancing, hung out with friends, volunteered, went on vacation and even spent time applying to jobs overseas (something I’d been working towards for awhile). And it all seemed fine until I realized that we were repeating ourselves once again. I told myself many times that I was making a big deal out of it and there’s nothing to worry about. But there were nights I’d cry because I could never stand up for myself and let him go. Perhaps, I was scared of change and didn’t want him to move on or I was scared he’d spread rumors about me (which is where the anxiety started). I threw myself into a frenzy of negative thoughts and got anxious because I worried what he thought of me. My questions were endless: Am I annoying for repeating the same thing over and over? Was I naive this whole time? Am I beating myself up for no reason? Does he regret dating me? Is he truly better off without me? It’s been nine months since we broke up so why does he still linger in my mind?

Just a few weeks ago, I finally approached him about where we stand. It wasn’t a shouting match nor was I furious – just exhausted and hurt. He still insisted on being friends and he truly does care for me but no longer had romantic feelings. He also told me he doesn’t want me to be hung up on him. Immediately, I felt humiliated, ashamed and very foolish, mostly for bringing up the same conversation when I tried so hard to avoid it. Why did I put myself in this situation once again? Because I still care for him and still have a lot to give. What hurts the most is that I never did give myself the time I needed to heal and now it is going to take a lot longer to get through this – which is why I feel so darn stupid and really ashamed that I dragged this out. The person I love the most is no longer here and I’m scared I’ve lost him for good. Worst of all is that I’m starting to feel jealous of him – he closed on his first house, he’s got two jobs that pay well and now he’s going to buy a new car. I do feel like now that he’s more ‘established’, he has independence and freedom to do what he wants. These feelings of envy and anger certainly don’t mean ‘love’, do they?

Currently, I have no urge to contact him though I do think of him every day (we even work less than a mile from each other and live less than 15 minutes apart). I am learning to let things go yet my depression is in full swing right now. I am exhausted, my thoughts are driving me crazy and I feel physical pain. I’m still forcing myself to go out every week to find new things to do, meet with friends and spend time alone. I haven’t been able to find peace of mind and keep shaming myself for all the things I did – I feel like I’m back where I started with blaming myself for all my mistakes. Some days, I feel worthless, ugly and apathetic. How can I forgive myself when I put myself in this situation to begin with? Am I complaining and just throwing myself a pity party because I can’t ‘deal’ with it? I have a tendency to get things out in the open but have a hard to getting them off my mind. It’s a bad habit I need to get rid of.

Bottom line is that I need to get over it and move on even though I know he’s out here living freely without me. I am just trying to keep my head up and think positively so I can feel happy once again even if he can’t ever see it. I owe it to myself.

You said it...you need to move on. STOP all contact with this guy. Keep doing all those other activities you mentioned and stay busy. Don't text him, drive by his house, or stalk him online. Get him out of your phone. Total break. If a guy says he is not interested romantically, believe him. Keep your self-esteem up by getting out of it. Good luck.

Hi Rukspc, I think it is great to "stay friends" but normally that does not mean that you continue to spend time together etc. Staying friends to me means that you are not leaving with bad feelings toward each other. It is to difficult to continue to spend time together if you still want it to be romantic and he does not. You are setting yourself up.
Like the previous poster said and your friend tried to tell you...get on with your life, new friends, new hang outs, whatever. Do things to make yourself happy and forget about what you had with your ex.
If the ex has been telling you for a while you deserve better then take his word for it.
Go out and make yourself happy!!!
Thinking negative thoughts, thinking about what if and whys are some of the worst things to do to yourself. Just let it go and don't try to figure out what you could do or what could be!!!
Good luck

There is life beyond' him'. Be gentle towards yourself, grief takes time. Try to avoid keeping tabs on him. Don't see him as a supreme being and the only man for you. Not saying you'll never look back with curiosity, but the more time difference between those moments, the more clear why he wasn't right, for you.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your honesty and support.

Needless to say - it really is over. This morning I woke up to a text message that made me feel very numb and slightly humiliated still. I cried so hard when I read it and immediately all of these images and everything we talked about flashed back. It summed up my worst fear and what I'd suspected for awhile: he is seeing someone new. Nevermind the fact that he insists on being friends at some point and he still cares for me does not matter - right?

So... I guess what we had meant nothing at all? This quote just sums up everything:

"Sometimes our mind knows exactly what the truth is but our heart keeps persuading us that it is not true. We tend to trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe, what we hope to be true. Then until that one person tells the truth directly to your face, your feelings just get hurt so bad...by what you already know. Then you collapse. The truth itself is difficult to handle but the truth from that one person who you wish would tell you otherwise is the worst."

I believe in the heat of a break up, it's too easy to fall into the mind trap, that we meant absolutely nothing. It takes away from self worth. And it's a falsehood. It's a negative take. Our self worth transcends whether a relationship makes or breaks. Something to address in therapy or through self help work. CBT mainly.
Is self defined by having a relationship? I'd err to say, self is not defined by having a relationship. Thus, self isn't defined by not having one.

((((Gentle Hugs))))

Thank you Healingme4me. I haven't responded to his message at all today because I’d say too much out of hurt and anger. Does this mean that he’s won? Now that he’s with someone new, is he happier and knows he won’t make the same mistakes he did when we were together? You are right when you say that self is not defined by having a relationship. I need to say that a million times to myself to believe it.