Need Advice on Difficult Situation

All my life I’ve had trouble saying what I feel partly because I am fearful that what I say will either hurt the other person or their comments and remarks will seem more valid than mine. To be specific, I am speaking of my older sister. We have a ten-year age gap between us. I live with her and her family right now and have stayed there for the past three years.

She and I have different personalities. I am more passive and quiet and she is more assertive, matter-of-fact and direct. While I don’t wish to change her, I want to change how we communicate. However, this is really difficult for me because I’ve always – childhood until now – had difficulty starting the conversation or even bringing something up for fear of crying in front of her, saying something that I didn’t mean or offending her.

I am starting to think that my lack of speaking up means that I feel threatened, insecure and unsure of myself. I feel very scared and bottle up my emotions to the point of exhaustion and then I completely forget about it when I see that she is in a good mood. Additionally, I feel that because I could never stand up for myself in certain situations, it affected the way my relationship with my now ex-bf (I could be wrong). Also, I feel that it has affected how I live my life such as wanting to move out (to the city). When my sister is stressed, it affects me, especially when she lashes out on me. I try not to take things personally but I can’t hold anything inside anymore. I know she cares about me and I am truly grateful for her help but maybe it is time for a change.

For those of you who’ve dealt with a similar situation or have siblings, where do I begin? How should I approach her?

Write it all down on paper rukspc. Come to her with your paper letting her know that you have difficulty in communicating and found it easier to write it and read from the paper.
Things may flow once you get started. I am sure she loves you very much and you may be very surprised.

I wish you luck with all your endeavors with your sister.

Hang in there!

Kindest Regards,
QuasiM0D0

That's a great idea to write it all down. I don't know the whole situation but it MIGHT be time for you to strike out your own. My brother lived with us for a year and it got to be too much. We got along much better when he found his own place.

Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I'm sure you're not the only one who has gone through something similar. I'll offer one additional suggestion, start with baby steps. Since this is an issue for you not just with your sister, but with others, identify someone who you feel most safe with, and start by taking small steps with them. Then as your confidence in your ability to communicate grows you can try it out on your sister. Best of luck!

Thank you so much everyone. This advice is really helpful. There are a few things I want to mention that would probably help you see a wider scope.

First and foremost: Just recently, she injured her knee and tore her ACL and everyone has been chipping in to help to take care of her daughters, including myself. I had plans to go abroad this year but had to put that on hold because she needs someone to help take care of her daughters and trusts me with them the most (not saying no one else can watch them - I just know the kids' schedules, mannerisms, etc). I was bummed at first, seeing that teaching abroad was one of my goals to jump start my teaching career but I am seeking out other opportunities. She will be healed by next February so the situation is only temporary.

I moved in the summer before my senior year of college in 2011. At first, she'd asked me if I wanted to find my own place or live with her to save money. I honestly didn't think I'd be living here this long and every time I bring it up or want to address moving out, she mentions my financial situation and 'being grateful for the help' so I can be debt free soon. She has asked me before if I am happy living with the family and I wasn't completely honest, partly because I didn't want to admit the truth and I didn't have any money to move out. I suppose I've gotten comfortable with living here.

I am very grateful for all she's done: taking me on family vacations, providing food and shelter, including me in everything, always putting everyone else before herself. She is not a negative person, she has a kind heart and gives more than she should but the things that bother me the most are:

- constant frustration (it seems she doesn't know how to manage stress)
- never knowing if I am doing something correctly - especially when it comes to things I ought to know by now ("ADULT" decisions). she needs things done perfectly or she just does it on her own
- comparing my life to hers. she is always telling me that I have an easy life because I don't have to deal with difficult family matters (money, bickering) or that I am lucky because I have minimal bills.
- high-strung or impatient

Maybe I'm over-thinking a lot of things because she's my sister and I need to build 'thicker' skin but really, I feel like a kid sometimes. I enjoy spending time with my nieces and they always tell me that they'd be very sad if 'Auntie' moved out. Maybe I am limiting myself because I am scared I won't be able to make it on my own since my job doesn't pay much but I feel I need my personal freedom.

That's about inadequate, negligent parenting which FAILED to help you feel competant and wanted in their family. It often happens to the 2nd child when the parents cannot be bothered to treat you with the respect and dignity that they gave their 1st and most precious child so you end up with damaged self esteem and terrible insecurities.

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To be specific, I am speaking of my older sister. We have a ten-year age gap between us. I live with her and her family right now and have stayed there for the past three years.

Typically, when the parents FAIL to mentally/emotionally prepare the older kid to happily and lovingly accept a younger one, the oldest becomes resentful that the newbie (you) is stealing all the love and attention the oldest had always enjoyed and see the newbie as a menacing, unwelcome, threatening invader - esecially when the parents temporariy abandon the older kid to give lots of attention to the new baby. Once the older kid decides that the new kid is their enemy, the oldest begins a campaign of attacking and punishing the offending newbie from then on while conveniently forgetting ( DENIAL) that their own parents caused all the trouble in the first place by abandoning the oldest in favor of the newbie and by FAILING to help the oldest LOVINGLY accept the new baby from day one.
I wrote about this here: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/i...4131948AAmrKma

Those are all typical sibling patterns that are the direct consequence of inadequate parental traning which FAILED to let both of you be EQUALS in the family and set up a situation where you are INFERIOR to your SUPERIOR sister.

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I am starting to think that my lack of speaking up means that I feel threatened, insecure and unsure of myself.

Yes, due to negligent parenting which FAILED to help you be confident and OK in your own family and have as good and important a place in the family as your older, superior sister.

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I feel very scared and bottle up my emotions to the point of exhaustion and then I completely forget about it when I see that she is in a good mood. Additionally, I feel that because I could never stand up for myself in certain situations, it affected the way my relationship with my now ex-bf (I could be wrong). Also, I feel that it has affected how I live my life such as wanting to move out (to the city).

All of that is the sad consequences of very negligent and faulty parenting which completely FAILED to allow you to develop a strong, self respecting and SECURE sense of your own being so you had to play passive 2nd fiddle to your older sister from day one. The very same thing happened in my family when our pathetic parents failed to train my 1 yr older brother to accept me and set me up to be his insecure "little" brother.

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When my sister is stressed, it affects me, especially when she lashes out on me. I try not to take things personally but I can’t hold anything inside anymore.

You were trained, from day one, to be her subordinate and worry about her attitudes and behaviors lest she punish you even more just for being born and wrecking her perfect life - all thanks to very inadequate parenting which should have trained both of you to be EQUAL, happy, respectful and loving FRIENDS all along. You are BOTH victims of faulty parenting but neither of you can remember how it all started when you were a baby.

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I know she cares about me and I am truly grateful for her help but maybe it is time for a change.

Yes, you need to get out from under your sister's DOMINATION and become the person life wants you to be.

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For those of you who’ve dealt with a similar situation or have siblings, where do I begin? How should I approach her?

I'd begin by seriously deciding what you really want in life and then make some plans to GET IT! You don't have to approach her on this because she doesn't have a problem so she won't see a need to do anything about it other than to go on bossing and controlling you as her parents taught her to do since you were born. It's your problem now and you need to take the bull by the horns and FIND a solution to the mess your parents unwittingly put both of you in from day one with their negligent and BAD parenting. You will have to get away from your repressive family and go live your own life - ASAP.
That's what I did!
good luck becoming your own person,
jim

She has most likely been "punishing" you like this from day one because her parents put her IN CHARGE of you and she's been angry with you for invading her life so naturally she will treat you like a bad little kid since her parents set her up to be your alternate parent and boss long ago. My older brother treated my exactly like that for many years thanks to bad and negligent parenting!

Because your parent CONDITIONED you to be your sister's DEPENDENT little kid and her to be your controlling, angry BOSS/PARENT! Your whole story is my childhood life all over. Your sister and you are unwittingly stuck in patterns and conditions that your own parents PUT THERE from the day you were born.

At first you will be scared to leave the nest and do out on your own WITHOUT your boss sister to tell you what to do and reprimand you when you FAIL HER but you will gradually learn how to live your own life on your own terms and maybe find great joy and freedom as you discard the damaging and repressive behaviors and habits that your very negligent parents imposed on both you and your sister. Its a lot of work, IMO, to undo damage like was done to you (and to me) when your foolish parents allowed your sister to be angry with you and then FAILED to allow you to be an equal and significant part of their family rather than the low one on the totem pole or 2nd best kid but it can be done so go for your own life and happiness ASAP.
good luck,

Dude, enough with the faulty parenting speel. Back it up with facts

Look up the DBT approaches of DEAR MAN & GIVE in interpersonal effectiveness. These are useful tools to help you ask for what you want or need or saying no to a request.

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

You feel like a kid because you are still living that dynamic. She's your older sister by ten years and you're living with her family-- she's going to get bossy The bullet points you listed sounded like typical older sister behavior to me.

I lived with my mother for long enough to afford a down payment -- it was nice to buy a house at a young age, but I wish I had left sooner than I did. Independence and the ability to live an adult life is pretty priceless.

Did your sister ask you to cancel your plans to teach abroad? Would she really be upset if you did that? It does sound like a wonderful opportunity, a sort of gateway to moving out.

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Originally Posted by hvert I think you hit the nail on the head here.

Pretty much, yes. She asked me to stay here a little longer because she’d have to have two surgeries for the injury and ultimately, she needs someone reliable to watch her kids. I guess I don’t have a choice?

I applied for the next intake for 2015 but haven’t heard any news and a few fellowships that start next year. If any of those don’t work out, I will save up to move out and apply for the master’s program I’ve been looking into for sometime.

I've tried this before with friends and it was easy because, of course, they are my friends who are like-minded and listen to what I have to say. I guess when it comes to my sister, I feel scared each and every time I want to say something that it just becomes a mess in my head before I have a chance to say how I actually feel. I am not good at communicating with her although I am trying. The one thing I always tell myself is "if you're not ready to face your fear now, when will you ever be?"

Isn't that how it always goes? When changes are made everyone gets too comfortable until the negatives start popping up and are painfully difficult to ignore.

It's fine to be grateful for what she is doing for you but your problem is she doesn't respect you. She feels entitled to treat you the way she does because she is so focused on what she is doing for you. Unfortunately it seems, to me, from your posts so far that you're very focused on all that she is doing for you also - so much to the point that you missed an opportunity to pursue your life goal. That's pretty important. You even say that it was possible for someone else to watch her kids! As I mentioned, it's okay to be grateful but you have every right to be feeling as you do.

I'm in a similar situation and a lot of what you've said so far I can strongly identify with. Strong emphasis on similar. I'll repeat, just because she is helping you out financially that is no reason for her to take out her frustrations on you because you deserve respect. You show her respect by even considering that what you say may upset her - to the point where your consideration is hurting you also. It's good that you're recognizing that her behavior isn't fair to you.

I'm glad you're able to see this also.



That's why it's so important that you speak to her. You've reached a point where you're tired of dealing with the situation and don't even feel comfortable confronting it. Is it easy? No. Of course not. Will it be a struggle? Yes. Most definitely and to get what you want you will have to keep on pushing against what is pushing you. I found this article on the main site, maybe it will interest you. I'm currently working on being more vocal in mine and yes, it is a major headache, but I also feel it is more than worth it. I really hope that you're able to pursue your dreams and are successful in all you do next. It's important to have your voice heard and to be respected as a person.

You definitely have a choice. If it is too late for you this year, that's too bad, but you do have a choice. Living at your sister's providing free child care in exchange for room and board is not furthering your life. Some aspects of the situation may have been mutually agreeable in the past, but it sounds like that's not the case anymore.

There will probably never be a perfect time to move out. You don't owe your sister for the rest of your life. She should be encouraging you to get out and get on with your life.

QuasiM0D0 & Lilypup:
I wrote it all down and it worked well for us. Then we talked about it for hours and realized a lot of things about one another. I mentioned the biggest issue was my depression and anxiety conditions. She knew I had the symptoms but was taken aback of how much it was affecting my life and it made her sad to see me unhappy. She told me she loves me and we will get through it together.

She apologized for many things and we are both on the same page now with trying to communicate better since I was always afraid to approach her. She realized how much her attitude and tone of voice were affecting my self-esteem so she is going to work on that.

Hvert: As for moving out, I am saving up now and plan to find my own place by late next year.

Thanks to you and everyone else for the advice.