[lostandsorry77]

Hello all,

I met the most amazing woman, and screwed it up by being dishonest. we were dating for 8 months, started as roommates and turned into a great relationship. I had some prevailing issues from my divorce, about dishonesty, I would always be reluctant to tell her things due to her crazy reactions to things, even as small as being out of milk.....we divorced 7 months into the marriage.

I started dating this amazing woman, and something came up with work, i had been laid off, and I was afraid to tell her...terrified. so I hid it, hoping i could just fix it and all would be well....it wasn't. It went months....digging my hole deeper and deeper....the whole while, she knew something was off...and gave me opportunities to tell her what was going on....and I met her halfway on things, and telling her of my fears as well....but still couldnt tell the whole truth. Things came to a head, she asked me to leave the house, and said the relationship is over....

She said she doesnt love me anymore, but, I have trouble believeing that becasue she holds love in such high regard, that she couldnt just turn it off....yes i messed up, but that cant erase all the good things and love we shared.....

She barely talks to me, stayed at her sisters until i was able to move....I have not seen er or heard her voice in over 2 weeks. I alwasy tell her I love her, and that I will fix my issues so I can be a better man for her.....but she never responds.....i know she needs proof, and I know how to do that. But how can I know what to do, when she doesnt say anything? I know the relationship is done, for now. But people make mistakes and they can be fixed....I have seen my faults and recognize them.....I need to get her back, and have told her I will fight to the end for her.....how do I know if I am being taken seriously??

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, lostandsorry77. She said she does not love you anymore. She has given you no reason not to believe the relationship is irretrievably over.

Fix your issues. Do it for you.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you need to move on. This isn't a little white lie. This is a MAJOR lie. Yes, people make mistakes, but you waved a huge red flag in her face. You carried on a lie for months! You have shown her that you are quite untrustworthy. I think you should leave her alone and work on your own issues. You just keep on bouncing from relationship to relationship and the lying issue is still there. Take time to yourself, by yourself, to fix this lying issue. Figure out the reason for your lying. If you don't figure out why you do it, you'll just fall into old patterns again. Its a lot more than simply being regretful over past lies.

[ptangptang]

I'm going to stick up for you a bit. Yes it was a biggie. But if she really loved you she wouldn't have reacted like that. Maybe, deep down, you knew that if you told her that would be how she would react. Life is full of ups and downs and if there was real love there you would still be together. Give up on her , learn from it and move on.

I know someone who makes a living out of lying (most jobs you can't get away with it but he finds ways). He lies to everyone. Did you just lie to your ex or were there others? It may be some kind of sickness. Perhaps you can speak to a counselor about it and get help. If you admit to the problem and seek help, maybe your ex will at least speak to you again. Either way it is a good idea to seriously try to address the issue.

[clairekelly66]

[QUOTE=lostandsorry77;3950168]

She said she doesnt love me anymore, but, I have trouble believeing that becasue she holds love in such high regard, that she couldnt just turn it off....QUOTE]

I hold love in high regard. My husband has just been found lying to me too. I love him so much that I have to walk away. I cant bear to be lied to by a man who I love and adore so much. I don't want to wait for the next time. I have to start loving myself. I hope your partner does too.

[lilypup]

It sounds like she is moving on and if you love her you will give her the courtesy of doing so. Anyone who feels cheated on or lied to CAN just turn love off. Figure out what happened with you so it doesn't happen again. Good luck with future relationships.

[A Red Panda]

Trustworthiness and financial matters are two huge aspects of successful relationships.

You combined both - your lie was huge and you had many opportunities to fix it, but you chose not to. The lie was about finances - by being out of work, how would you afford to live? Eventually, you would have ran out of resources to be able to pay your share of the living costs, and how would that end for her? She would have to either carry your share or be stranded - which wouldn't be fair of her especially without any notice. If you had told her right away, she could have helped out with things such as budgeting and planning ahead.

I don't think that love would be able to hold me in a relationship with such a huge breach of trust. I would always wonder how many smaller things were being lied about, because if someone is capable of lying for months about something that would have such a huge impact on me, I wouldn't believe them incapable of lying about so many other things.

I'm sorry that this happened, but she's being quite clear on her desire to have the relationship over. There isn't always a way to fix things, and she's telling you that there isn't.

[doyoutrustme]

Have you offered couples counseling?

[niceguy]

I disagree to a point. If there is love, there is hope. Women say alot when they are angry, that they may not necessarily mean upon reflection. Suggest therapy, of perhaps gain employment, if you aren't already. Work on rebuilding your life, show her how you are changing. If this really is the only lie and it was real love, have faith, it's not over until it's over.
Best of luck

[lostandsorry77]

Thank you everyone for your input, and as I know it was HUGE mistake on my end I cannot simply let her go....yes the lies started with my ex, I would suggest counseling but she doesn't respond to anythng i send her....I have been sending her messages twice a week, to not smother her...and the response I got today was "please stop" And "she meant she was done, she feels taken advantage of for months, there is no going back for her, and now she feels harassed" I have not been overbearing in contacting her....if this is truly how she feels.....how do I just turn it off, i love her and miss her so much....and my regret is so heavy....

[lostandsorry77]

hmmm, my quick reply didnt post.

Thank you all for the input, I know my mistake was huge and my regret for making it is great. Yes the lies started with the ex, but I shouldnt have allowed that baggage to follow. It was hard to offer counseling, when she doesnt talk to me at all. She messaged me today, stating that when she said she was done, she meant it...there is no going back for her...she feels taken advantage of for months....and that she now feels harassed. I only message her twice a week, so she nows I still care, and to let her know how things are going. But, if this is how she truly feels, how do i turn it off, how do i give up the fight that I was determined to win...not only for myself but for the sake of our relationship? I love her and miss her so much it hurts, yes its my own fault, but how can i just give up.....

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Trustworthiness and financial matters are two huge aspects of successful relationships.

You combined both - your lie was huge and you had many opportunities to fix it, but you chose not to. The lie was about finances - by being out of work, how would you afford to live? Eventually, you would have ran out of resources to be able to pay your share of the living costs, and how would that end for her? She would have to either carry your share or be stranded - which wouldn't be fair of her especially without any notice. If you had told her right away, she could have helped out with things such as budgeting and planning ahead.

I don't think that love would be able to hold me in a relationship with such a huge breach of trust. I would always wonder how many smaller things were being lied about, because if someone is capable of lying for months about something that would have such a huge impact on me, I wouldn't believe them incapable of lying about so many other things.

I'm sorry that this happened, but she's being quite clear on her desire to have the relationship over. There isn't always a way to fix things, and she's telling you that there isn't.

I completely agree with this post. The fact is, it wasn't just a HUGE lie, it was the granddaddy of all lies--it involved her future not just the OP's future. Being out of work is terrifying however, she was denied the opportunity to emotionally support him, was denied knowledge of the wolf moving toward the door....this was the biggest breach of trust (next to infidelity) that I've ever heard of.

It happened to my best friend years ago. Her husband said he got a job, went to work everyday...and 2 months later she called his work to talk to him about a matter regarding their kids, and was told he no longer worked there and had only worked there ONE WEEK. She was devastated and her mother had to pay to fly her and her 3 kids across country to her mothers because they were so deeply in debt--his unemployment didn't stop him from buying expensive 'toys' and going out to dinner 3 or four times a week. But I digress.

I'm sorry for the OP. But it's over. Time to take the lesson and move on.

[~Christina]

You say you have not heard from her in 2 weeks .... Leave her ALONE dont badger her.... ... She needs time away from you and time to decide what she wants to do. What you feel about her really doesnt matter to her right now.

You broke her trust on so many levels...

Really what you need to do is fix yourself ..As the others have advised find out why you lie and work on becoming a better person.

Maybe you and her will be able to work things out down the road but regardless you need to fix your issues .

But really ... leave her alone right now...no calls , no texts, no emails .. All that mess will drive her further away.

[blur]

she has said it is over so you would be wise to listen to and respect what she says. when someone says they hold love in high regard to me that means they treat people with a lot of love and respect and care. they usually expect the same in return. your broke her trust in a huge way and did not treat her with love. so…it is sadly over.

next time you are in a relationship don't lie. that will require you doing a lot of work on yourself first before you get involved with anyone new. good luck.