Clinging Coworker Causing Chaos

I don't know what to do and would appreciate any suggestions of what might help the situaiton. My company hired an assistant for me. I love where I work, becuase I like working with technical engineering fellows because they get down to work and I really like that. I am a thinker and love to puzzle my way through complicated things. However, this woman that was hired is a major drama queen and has a multitude of minor problems that she blows out of proportion. She seems like she has a big ego, but I see it as a real deep self esteem issue becuase she is contantly seeking acknowlegement for even the smalles of things. My problem is, that I am the only woman in this tech company and she sees me as a sounding board for every little action or problem. She is a real big time waster as she calls me out back and starts crying for some menial personal reason (huge to her). I want to yell out 'shut up and leave me alone', but I keep that bottled inside of me, which is not healthy for me to just stand there and be subjected to all this stress. It goes way beyond her calling me out back, because she sits right across from me and won't shut up. She wants to share every little boring office details as I struggle to get my deadlines met and it requires a lot of deep and complicated thinking on my part. I have told her a number of times that I can't talk and have even put headphones on, but that doesn't stop her because to her, everything is huge. (we are both 45 years old,so it's not like she is real young and inexperienced in working). Next month we move to a bigger place and I will have an office, some distance away from her, but I just know that won't stop her from walking in and trapping me, or cornering me in the production area where I spend half my time. I told her that I like quiet to concentrate and I have stopped her from bad mouthing the other fellows behind their backs (I don't play that game), but she seems locked into the fact that I am a woman, and therefore sympathetic to even the most personal issues. It's no good to just tell the owner and get rid of her, because God has a way of putting another person, even more distressing, in her place, so if anyone has advise as to how to difuse this situation, whereby I don't have to keep absorbing her crap and my inner turmoil, I would love to hear it.

I don't know when she was hired but it may just be "new" jitters? I know I was once accused of being clingy which surprised me but the problem was the place I'd started to work was totally unstructured and I wasn't use to that so didn't catch on right away that I had to figure out what to do myself.

Maybe you could give her enough to do so she doesn't have time for drama? Or, have her make up a schedule of some sort and give you a copy. Doesn't she "report" to you? If she doesn't quite, get her boss/your boss to talk to her. Some women will only listen to men or at least listen better to men. I'd make up a few firm lines and keep using them over and over, "______, I am working and you need to be too, please go do your work." Don't get caught listening or out back with her crying, etc. Be as consistent as you can.

Hi Angela -- I am complete klutz about managing relationships, so I hate to make suggestions. On the other hand, I teach communication, and I've made some progress in asserting my boundaries.

Here are some things that have helped me to manage situations I dislike a bit more effectively:

The words "uncomfortable" and "inappropriate" are your friends.

"I feel uncomfortable when you tell me so much about your personal life. It's not appropriate for our business relationship."

"I feel uncomfortable when you want to talk during my work time."

"Talking about our coworkers is not appropriate."

I also was wondering if you could schedule in times when you are working -- perhaps leaving a sign on your door as a reminder -- and schedule a brief, daily time when she can unburden herself to you in your office, which is your power domain. No more conferences out back because "I'm uncomfortable when we conduct these meetings in a social area. Perhaps you could wait until our daily meeting at 2 p.m. to fill me in about this."

I might mention that some people consider me a bit cold and aloof, so my style definitely is not for everyone.

Hi Perna. Thanks for the advise, she's been here over 3 months and it's getting worse, she has more than enough tasks, of all different levels to keep her busy. I might try a different approach, like the schedules you mentioned and add in some deadlines. Maybe I should stop being so patient. Thanks Perna.

Hello Wants2Fly.

"I feel uncomfortable when yo want to talk personal during my work time"

That is so obvious and brilliant. It is the truth and I'm not holding crap in and becoming resentful.

I don't see what is cold an aloof about this type of talking, I mean, after all, it is a professional business environment with a common goal to succeed and not to jammer on endlessly about personal affairs. I like your style.

I'm considered a good listener and look what that has gotten me.

I'm going to try out your choice of words and I bet it will get better.

Thank you for your help.

Hi Angela,

I was wondering, since she is your assistant, are you her supervisor?? If so, that could mean you have the authority to have a conversation with her and lay some groundrules down. If you are her supervisor, do you have to do employee performance reviews? If so, one thing I learned as a supervisor was to never surprise an employee with a bad review....whatever is negative in their performance should be discussed before the review. This gives the employee a chance to rectify their issues, then you can include it in the review and mention if they improved on the issue or not.

If you are not her supervisor, you can record the times when she wastes your time and hers, say for about a month, then submit it to the boss. If her constant jabbering is making you less productive, The boss may be very interested in knowing it and dealing with it.

Being a good listener is great, but when it interferes with your productivity, you need to draw the line. You don't want the boss coming to you and asking why your work is not up to par, especially if he/she is unaware of what you are dealing with.

I know it's not an easy situation....I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wish you much luck in getting it fixed! The other 2 folks had some great ideas too! Let us know how you make out.

Hugsssssss
Jean

Thank you, Sabau2.

She is my assitant but I didn't hire her and she assists my boss also, so the reprimand is in his department. I did tell him, and he has seen the distractions. As you said, we need to give the employee a chance to rectify their issues, so I'm going to try all the advise above and see what can works. I'll give it a few weeks and let you know. Thanks for the sharing what you know.

Angela

hello angela

i understand your situation and i can almost picture it out. Actually I have experienced it a bit but it was with my co-worker. Because we are seatmates. But we are great friends. It's the way I handled our conversations. If i really don't want to be bothered, I don't mind her on my side, I concentrate on my pc. But when she starts to talk to me about something which is beyond our job, I just respond with a close-ended sentence. Then, I just make it up to her during break time or when we're not very busy.

But with your situation, I think you need to inform your boss about this. Then you can talk to her and tell her about your concern in a way that is not offensive. Just make her understand and realize that her attitude affects your work.

God Bless. .

Thank you for sharing your experience, Chiz. I have taken 2 days off to try to destress and I'm eager to see if I can apply what I've learned in this site. Wish me luck.

yeah. .

this is something you should get over with very soon since its affecting your job. Think of the best way that you can apply in your situation.

. .and yes , I wish you Good Luck

God Bless, too!

Geez, the anxiety is killing me lol hurry up and let us know how it went!

Angela,

From your description, I would suspect that she has some kind of personality disorder, and it will probably be very hard for anyone to get her to change the way that she interacts with people. She will probably seem very needy, and no matter how much help you give her, she will always find another problem for you to help with. She could benefit from learning to do her own problem solving, but she's not likely to be motivated because it isn't solutions that she wants. Having someone listen to her is the solution to her, but it never lasts.

The best way to deal with people like that is to get really good at setting your own boundaries. If you need to, you could get some assertiveness training (either in individual counseling or a workshop or other group). While the problem is hers, the only way to deal with it is by dealing with whatever part in it is yours.

Good luck!
Rap

I think you are right about your description of her personality, Rapunzel. It's like a deep pit that has no bottom. Thanks for the input.

You're funny, Mouse. Take a deeeeep breath and release my anxiety.

Not big news yet. I took a few days off and returned with less stress. It gave her a chance to do things without me for a while so she calmed down a little bit. Then when I returned I made a big stink about how behind I was so I could keep brushing her off. Tomorrow our company moves so today I am packing boxes. I will have real news when we move to the new place and I can test out these suggestions I've received on this forum.

I'm confident that now I have a plan, it will make a difference and I'm feeling less vulnerable to her moods.

Next week, I will let you know. Thanks for caring.

UPDATE!

Well, I've combined the suggestions and have met with success. First thing in the morning, I give her about 10 minutes to spurt on about whatever is on her mind. During the day, I make excuses about deadlines, smile and walk away. At one point she did trap me and started talking about how she was royalty in past lives (how come everyone in a past life is royalty??!!) and while she went on and on and on about it, I realized how unique and weird ears are and noticed how large her lobes were in comparison to her little head.

So, by shifting the way I react, I was able to make an annoying situation a more palatable interaction.

Thanks for your help.

So glad it's working out better.