this weekend i think i know what i need to do but can't face it.

i have been married for 19 years. very rocky years. my husband had an affair 18 months after we were married. iwas broken. after everything else, more betrayal, more distrust everyone now who i'd ever loved had let me down.

we somehow got over this, and a couple of years later we had our son. i still found it hard to trust him.
his affair had lasted 2 months and he worked with her.

he went to another job after that.

few years later, i had a drunken thing with one of my friends neighbours and i told tony about it.

went ballistic, calling me slut, ***** anything he could do to make me hurt. i know two wrongs don't makea right, usually i am loyal. i think i was still angry and wanted to get at him.

again, we got over it. times have been hard. until i came on here i haven't told people much really.

i'veput up with feeling unloved and ignored long enough.
thiws weekend i have been distraught. i needed physical contact.

i went to lie on the bed with my hubby, he was watching tv. i just wanted a hug. i wrapped my arms and legs round him tight. he hugged me but it was empty. i was sobbing and asked him please hug me properly - he couoldn't.

makes a joke out of everything

my daughter came to my rescue. she knows how to hug...and made me feel better. my kids have never seen me like this before, always worn a mask. but they're understanding and let me know every day how much they love me.

never wanted to be a divorce statistic, i try, but it's just that i need something tony can't give me.

i need genuine affection and a self of worth and need to be loved and wanted. i know my kids love me.

don't know where to start.

jin

[Smilie]

It looks like you have taken you first baby step to self awareness. As painfully and sad as it may be.
Ask yourself if you trust him. Ask yourself why do you feel empty . Ask yourself why can't your husband give the hug you so much feel deprived of.Do you love this man and has he become just a stranger in your bed? Has he kept you at arms length and have you with held from him emotionally?Ask yourself why do you stay in this marriage.Is it out of religion, loyalty shame, embarrassment, fear of being alone,because this is what is familiar to you? Finding the answers to these questions is only a small mile stone to your new journey if you choose to take it and choose to be honest to yourself. There is no quick answer to your question; but the many questions answered over time will ultimately give you your answer.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I was married for 15 years but I was not honest with myself. We both wore masks and I was very lonely and love deprived. I have 4 daughters now and have been divorced for 2 yrs and living single for almost 6 years. It has not been a easy journey but it has been a well worth one.

I ask myself if you feel your love for your husband dying inside of you as I did.And are you being provoked to feel this way by his actions toward you.
hugs to you Smilie

[sabby]

(((((jinny)))))

Smilie makes some very good points and asks some very tough questions. But they need to be asked and answered in order to find yourself.

I'm always here for you jinny....I think you know that.

Hugsssssss 'n love to you!
Jean

thankyou for your posts and yes, fraid of being alone, very weak person. also fear of leaving what has been my life for 19 years.
fear of not being able to cope. just sad at 19 years down the drain. all i want is affection. is that so much to ask, i just need to be loved by him, shown love, not flowers or material things. he fiinds it hard to show his feelings, but i begged him to hold me on saturday night, i wrapped my arms and legs around him and his was just an empty hug, and he never said he loved me.

it's just hopeless.

jin

[RosePetals]

Hi ! I am new on here.
I would like to tell you that I have been married for 31 years. I also feel the same way as you. My husband does love me and I know this, but I feel we are miles apart, we have very little communication with each other, and very little affection. But I hang in there, and always have. Life was not esey for me from the begining of our marrige 31 years ago. Do what is best for you and your children.

[Smilie]

welcome new visitor!

thankyou rose, welcome, speak soonx

[RosePetals]

Thank you smile. Happy to be here.