Vasectomy... need input from women/wives

"Maybe i am being manipulated. She has told me repeatedly she wants to stomp me some for what ive done. She has threatened an affair or a one night stand. I see this as life with someone with depression and anxiety and chronic physical illness."

You wanted input from women, and I gave it in rather an abrupt manner. But I am a married woman who suffers from depression and anxiety.

I am only going by your description of her so this is my input based on that....no offense intended.

She's manipulating, punishing, and emasculating you. It seems, to me, that she's using depression as some kind of excuse for her behavior, which is very wrong.
She's also going BEYOND making you pay for what you did.

Personally, I'm fine with porn and you don't state whether YOU considered it to be bad when you were doing it or whether you think it was an addiction....

Let's say your morals are such that you think it IS wrong....You did it, you apologized, you stopped doing it.
That should have been the end of it.

My feelings are that I lose respect for a man who doesn't put his foot down, whether I am ill or have depression or are just fine. But that's just me....

Your wife is not keeping up her end of the bargain. No, it isn't her fault that she has a mental illness, but it IS her responsibility to heal. Right now she's just taking a bunch of pills. Well, that does just about nothing... It seems like doctors just hand out pills like they are candy and expect patients to get better that way. Well, that's not how medication was presented to me. I was told that medication enables me to go to therapy so that I can do the hard work myself. And yes, that's exactly what I did, and I no longer need a daily medication now. I understand that not everybody can get off of meds completely, but my point is that meds will only do a small portion of the work, and the rest is done through therapy. If her meds aren't even allowing her to get to the point where she can do therapeutic work, then I'd argue that the meds aren't doing much for her.

You've done MORE than enough in this marriage. It takes two to make things work, and right now you are very much functioning as a singe parent.

I have obsessive tendencies myself (but I'm not diagnosed with OCD). I worry that her obsessions are what's driving her to control you. Is she getting any help with these obsessive thoughts?

As for the porn thing, I don't understand why so many women get so hung up on it. But, that's neither here nor there as you gave it up cold turkey and its not a part of your life anymore. You've done a lot to try to earn back her trust. I'd say at this point, if she's not trusting you, then getting the old snip-snip isn't going to make those trusting feelings come rushing back. Don't have a surgery that you aren't all for 100%. Its your body, and you shouldn't be manipulated into having surgery.

You know, your wife sounds a lot like my h. My h would threaten to leave me all the time. I would get up at 7 to get the kids to school after having gotten home from work at 3 even though he had slept all night. He wanted me to get breast enhancement sx and couldn't understand why I didn't want it when he did. Um, my body fool!
It's never enough. You give and give and give and they never stop asking. It's always someone else's problem.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hst[QUOTE=ChipperMonkey;4056748]Your wife is not keeping up her end of the bargain. No, it isn't her fault that she has a mental illness, but it IS her responsibility to heal. Right now she's just taking a bunch of pills. Well, that does just about nothing...

I agree. Meds seem to do very little.

There is also the list of physical ailments... chronuc headache and bowel problems, chronic fatigue, muscle and joint pain.... I dont see any active solution or actine management of thede. Just more meds.

The porn was morally wrong to me. Some of this stuff with mywife emerged in the first year of marriage. I became a closet porn user to still have some kind of sexual stimulation in my life. It was wrong. When i got caught I had to face my wrong doing. I confessed it to two people close to us and went to our preacher. When i saw the pain it caused her I was stunned, and stopped immediately. I vowed never to do it again, commited to marriage counselling, and one year later re-proposed to her with a new ring. Two years on, she tells me she can never trust me again. I destroyed her.

Like I said, sometimes I'm just so tired.

I've wondered if this was devolving into manipulation.. Thats been suggested before. It has also been suggested that I start saying no and quit trying so hard. Ive tried that... It creates some tension, but it feels good to take a break.

She sounds like she has serious control issues and insecurities. Sex is the smallest of your marriage problems I'm afraid to say .