I Feel Like A Jerk

I don't know

I care about her. But I also feel really rejected by her right now.

There are some people who will just drain you to death. It may not be totally their fault, but it kind of is too, if they refuse to work on it. You *have* to put yourself first. Like I told my T a while ago, if I can't take care of myself, how can I expect to be able to take care of anyone else. I agree with Nowhere; you have to learn to keep these people a little distant from your heart. Otherwise they will literally kill you. Slowly and painfully. It's not that they're any less important, it's just that they are perhaps not able to give in the way that a truly close friend can.

You know, this strikes me as exactly why our Ts shouldn't get too close to us. They care about us, but they must keep that distance because if they don't they would be drained and burned out in no time and who would be there to help us then? We'd just wind up feeling abandoned and rejected.

But maybe it's me that is burning my friend out? Maybe she is tired of dealing with me? And so she subconsciously is distancing herself from me.

I very much doubt it HG. You said yourself that she only has friends who won't call her on her crap. You do need to take care of yourself.

It doesn't sound like this is a person who can give you what you want. You've been holding out for months or more on crumbs, and getting resentful and hurt. Maybe consider that she clearly is not able or willing to provide what you're wanting at this time?

Not everyone is compatible with dealing with these deep emotional issues that you mentioned wanting to share with her in the original post. And not everyone is going to be willing or able to be around consistently for us, even though we hope they will.

Not everyone will be direct and say that, but her silence and absence, so many times over such a long period, does send a message.

But when she's there, she is really great at being there for me. She has been there through some of the hardest times in my life. She's the one that recommended my T to me and she is a great person.

And the fact that you are all attacking her makes me feel even more like a jerk.

I'm not attacking her. I have a feeling you're wanting more of her more often than she wants or is able to give. And her silence is telling you about her limits. Whether she is absent intentionally or not, the message is really the same. Not everyone is as direct as those of us who try to live a therapy lifestyle.

I hope she would tell me if that's the case. I have other people I can talk to.

Oh no, most people in my experience won't say such a thing directly. Many people have a strong aversion to conflict.

They will not say "you're too demanding for me" or "I can't deal with this right now" or "I really just want to do fun stuff" or whatever their reasoning may be when they can simply not take a phone call or 'forget' about a meeting or delay replying to an email indefinitely.

And again, regardless of her thought process, the reality is still the same-
you and she have an established pattern of her not being there often when you want her to and having hurt feelings around it.

I don't think it's likely she'll change, and I'm not criticizing either of you, just saying... that might just be the way things are.

She may feel more pressure to reply now however, so... by sharing your feelings I think you did increase the likelihood of some type of communication from her about your relationship.

You don't have to cut her out of your life, it might just be best to not wait around for her either. I've had to tell my "last minute plans" friends if I don't hear from you by XX, I have something else planned. Telling her how her behavior affects you is perfectly fine. Maybe she doesn't realize what she does.

I think it's possible your friend didn't respond because of reasons not related to what you said. I have severe ADD and have to be honest and say I've behaved in a similar way, especially when I was in my 20's (I'm in my 40s now). I was always in my own head and was sometimes pretty oblivious to some of the give and take in friendships. This happened with my dearest friend, and she let me know how I hurt her feelings. Once I knew I was really upset because I had no clue it bothered her when it happened and had no intention of ignoring her or blowing her off.

So my point I guess is your friend may honestly have felt everything was ok, thought about texting you back, got distracted and then forgot. I would send her a simple, nice follow up text. Not mentioning that you're hurt just that you hope things are ok between you two (don't apologize though) and that you hope to hear back. Give her something concrete to respond to - for us ADD people sometimes that is important. If she still doesn't respond then I would back off and shift your focus onto other people. You really deserve friends who put the same effort into a relationship that you do.

You don't need to feel like a jerk, and therapy does tend to make those feelings magnify x 10. All you wanted was more validation. Maybe a faster response and a little bit more than " I'm sorry " and that's okay to expect.

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I'm sorry HazelGirl. Truthfully I see a lot of my own old (hopefully) behaviors in your friend's actions. I meant what I said about not deserving close, caring friends when you are not willing to at least try to meet the other person halfway though. I don't know your friend HG, maybe she is doing her best, but you still deserve better than to be ignored for weeks.