At the risk of sounding like a complete moron, I have no idea how to approach anyone that I have any romantic interest in, even for just a friendship.

I've been reminded of this problem because as I started school again, I noticed this guy that I used to have a bit of a crush on is there again (he came back for another graduate degree at the same time I did). I never really got to know him before because I was too afraid and I don't want to ruin it again, but I'm still intimidated.

In the past, there was almost always a negative reaction if I made the first move and I also don't want to indicate any interest either as that may be considered making the first move as well. I just want to get to know him and talk to him on a regular basis. And -gasp- even see him outside of classes.

Bottom line, I just want to have friends and socialize enough to feel satisfied by the time I graduate. Maybe I shouldn't pursue this guy in any way because of the stupid romantic interest I have in him for no really good reason. I mean, if he's not available/not interested (and there's at least a 99.9% chance of that), then it's difficult for me to lose those feelings immediately and in the past, me trying to get some space to deal with these feelings has been unacceptable.

And no, I'm not a teenager. I'm in my mid-20's and we're both in the doctoral program in our discipline. I'm fully aware that with my lack of life and relationship experience and complete shyness/intimidation, that I'll come across as horribly immature. That's another reason I'm afraid to approach him. At the moment, he seems to have a positive view of me (well, at least my work, anyway).

And yes, I'm in therapy, for this exact reason. But it doesn't really help, not to mention that I just switched to a new therapist and I don't really feel comfortable with the new one.

I just don't know what to do or how to approach him or if I even SHOULD approach him. In the past, no matter what I did, it was always wrong, creepy, what have you. I clearly don't know what to do and probably am incapable of even understanding what to do even if I did know, otherwise this wouldn't be a problem.

[dedicated]

I suppose, most people of your passion being writer and musician are introverts. How about a little research of his point of interest aside from your the discipline you are both in? Then start being energetic yet tactful in approaching him. Smile and greet everyone including him so it won't be obvious that you are singling on him. Try to find way of impressing him.

About self confidence; strengthen your belief on yourself, discover your extra ordinary capabilities and always feel good about yourself. Feel proud of yourself.

I don't think there's too many more introverts in these areas than there exists overall. To be successful, you have to be an extrovert or pretend to be one anyway. Maybe I'm somewhere in between the two as I like being on my own a lot, but I also like being the center of attention or being onstage/in front of a camera when I'm around other people.

Anyway, back to your post…I'm afraid I don't really know what his interests are outside our discipline since I haven't had the opportunity to get to know him well enough. I'm also not very comfortable around other most of my other peers…I guess I just feel immature, unqualified, and unexperienced in comparison. And this doesn't necessarily have to do with not knowing my capabilities, because I do. But having career-related skills doesn't help me have confidence in relating to others. I've never been in a relationship and haven't even had many friendships. Even my relationships with family members are either non-existent or distant and cold. So based off all of that, I must not have any relationship skills, or at least I've never had a chance to develop any. So what in the world would I bring to a relationship anyway? I've been turned down enough just because of my lack of experience and because my career will likely need me to move after grad school…so apparently I'm not dateable because I'll have to move to find a job? Even when I find a job somewhere, I don't know if I'll be there my entire life. Isn't this true for anyone? How can anyone date then if the fact that they may move in a few years or a decade etc. makes them undateable? I don't see how it's even a legitimate excuse. I wish people would tell me the real reason I'm undateable…it can't just be because I lack relationship/sexual experience and I'm not going to live in this city for the rest of my life.

[dedicated]

I wonder why you are so negative that you are not worthy in relationship. Seems like it's fixed in your mind that you don't have anything to offer to a relationship. I am very sorry, I was not of help.

[silver tree]

What about common interests? What music do you like or hobbies? maybe buy a music magazine or one about the hobby you are into? send off for a brochure or book about travelling in a place/country you would like to go? Draw attention to yourself in that way and then when someone comments it opens up an opportunity to ask them questions about themselves and talk x

If I had anything to offer in a relationship, then why is it that when people are interested in me, they say they like me but would never be in a relationship with me? It would also follow that if I had something to offer in a relationship, that I would have been in a relationship by now or had real opportunities to be in one. Clearly, I'm lacking in some area or several areas. And the excuses are a mix of things I can't do anything about and things that are just plain cruel, like I'm going to move someday and not live where I am now forever, I'm not in the right place in my life, I don't have enough experience (either sexual or relationship wise), I'm too weird/creepy/whatever, or I'm too fat (I'm size 10/12…so no, I'm not model-skinny, but not THAT fat). What can I really do about it at this point? I eat very healthily and I suspect that I don't eat enough as it is as I've had problems with anemia and blood sugar being too low. And maybe I don't formally exercise, but I spend my days walking, carrying stuff up and down stairs etc. to the point that I'm a regular at the chiropractor's office. So apparently I'm not killing myself as much as other people are to be skinny? F that. I already have so much guilt just eating the bare minimum to stay on my feet (I feel really weak if I haven't eaten in a few hours, probably an effect of low blood sugar). Not to mention that those small few that actually show interest and aren't put off by my fatness or whatever only treat me like I'm only good for one thing—their "I want to spend time with you" means they want to get me drunk and have their way with me. This has happened or been suggested nearly every time.

How am I to know about common interests (outside our career field) if I'm unable to even talk to him (or anyone else I'm ever interested in)? I would like to talk to them, but whenever I make the first move, I'm seen as the bad guy or avoided. So apparently I'm doing something unforgivable by showing interest in them? I wish others would make the first move once in a while, especially if they all get upset if I make the first move.

[silver tree]

It would also follow that if I had something to offer in a relationship, that I would have been in a relationship by now or had real opportunities to be in one.

Everyone has something to offer sweetheart. Finding out who you are and seeing all those things that are special about you, would help you to show that to others maybe? I am thinking you are quite young?? What people want for a relationship changes as you get older and all those superficial things become less important. Perhaps looking inwards and asking yourself deeper questions; what values you have, cultures/nature/places you wish to experience, what you are passionate about and what makes you 'tick', will cement all of those more important attributes and things that make people appealing to others with similar outlooks/interests.

I think you also need to stop being so hard on yourself and putting yourself down because that will also show in you and can put people off a little sometimes You seem quite insightful, honest, sensitive, kind, intelligent, motivated and like you have a career goal? All this I have got from reading what you wrote, and these things about you are worth more than you give credit to imo.

Clearly, I'm lacking in some area or several areas. And the excuses are a mix of things I can't do anything about and things that are just plain cruel, like I'm going to move someday and not live where I am now forever, I'm not in the right place in my life, I don't have enough experience (either sexual or relationship wise), I'm too weird/creepy/whatever, or I'm too fat

I would say that sometimes you are lacking in kind and loving people if they are treating you like that! Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that anyway? I am not sure I would want to give my love to someone that called people names and judged them, anyway. It's not a healthy place to be and would ultimately make you like that or very insecure and feeling for those other people.

I'm size 10/12…so no, I'm not model-skinny, but not THAT fat

Far from it!! Home made soups are a really good way of getting a lot of nutrients and filling you up and yet still very low cal. Or even low cal cuppa soups for in between meals. Lemon in hot water with sweeteners are good as the warm drink helps to satisfy any empty feelings I find (just because you mentioned not eating enough) But I think you should see your doctor if you feel you have a health problem like anaemia?

How am I to know about common interests

I didn't mean LOOK for a common interest with someone, more what are your interest?? and find a way of displaying that (e'g books, magazines about those things) and someone with the same interest will strike up a conversation about that. Leisurely classes is another good way to meet like minded people. Is there something fun you would like to learn?

but whenever I make the first move, I'm seen as the bad guy or avoided. So apparently I'm doing something unforgivable by showing interest in them?

Then perhaps don't. Just get to know someone without thinking along those lines and try and pick up on signals? make it clear that you don't want to just sleep with someone and so put that boundary there early on, and then just see how things go?

If you are just really wanting to be in a relationship then join some dating sites maybe? that way you know what they are there for when they talk to you. Nearly half of all relationships start on-line now so everyone is doing it

I hope this helped a bit x

Originally Posted by silver tree

Everyone has something to offer sweetheart. Finding out who you are and seeing all those things that are special about you, would help you to show that to others maybe? I am thinking you are quite young?? What people want for a relationship changes as you get older and all those superficial things become less important. Perhaps looking inwards and asking yourself deeper questions; what values you have, cultures/nature/places you wish to experience, what you are passionate about and what makes you 'tick', will cement all of those more important attributes and things that make people appealing to others with similar outlooks/interests.

I know what's special about me, but I'm not sure they're all relevant to romantic relationships (or relationships in general). And the ones that are, apparently people don't really care about or they're more concerned with looks or experience or something? I mean, I'm really open-minded and try to be as non-judgmental as I can be. I can have long philosophic conversations about topics even outside of my expertise. I sort of have an advocate type personality I guess. Since I'm in the arts, it sets me up to possibly be able to influence culture in a positive way, so I hope to do that. Maybe those sorts of things is just too alien to other people?

I suppose I'm younger, but not that young anymore (I'm 26). I'm at least old enough that I ought to have had a serious (or even a non-serious) relationship that lasted more than a week or two by now. Some people seem put off that I'm not in a relationship…like it's strange to them.

Originally Posted by silver tree

Far from it!! Home made soups are a really good way of getting a lot of nutrients and filling you up and yet still very low cal. Or even low cal cuppa soups for in between meals. Lemon in hot water with sweeteners are good as the warm drink helps to satisfy any empty feelings I find (just because you mentioned not eating enough) But I think you should see your doctor if you feel you have a health problem like anaemia?

I often don't even have time to eat meals, let alone snacks. For example, on Tuesdays I have classes etc. from 9:30-3:10 at least (and sometimes until 4:30). On Thursdays for the next few weeks, I go from 11:00-5:30 without more than a few minutes for a break. I can take a power bar sort of thing and eat during class, but I don't really feel comfortable taking something that needs to be refrigerated. On the other days of the week, I just walk downtown and get something to eat halfway through the day.

I've seen a doctor in the past about anemia. Apparently, it's stable and I take a multi-vitamin that has iron in it so I don't really see that as a huge problem. I have more of a problem with symptoms that feel like hypoglycemia (which runs in my family). There's no point in going to the doctor for it though, as they can't help me anymore than I'm already helping myself.

I just have problems with eating, between the fear of people thinking I'm fat or that I must be seen as eating too much. I also feel tremendous guilt over how much it costs for me personally. My parents are basically paying for it all so I can just go to school full time and not have to worry about it. But I still worry about it because even though they're relatively well off, it just seems like a lot of money to me.

Originally Posted by silver tree

I didn't mean LOOK for a common interest with someone, more what are your interest?? and find a way of displaying that (e'g books, magazines about those things) and someone with the same interest will strike up a conversation about that. Leisurely classes is another good way to meet like minded people. Is there something fun you would like to learn?

I'm not sure if I have time to do much outside of my degree. Even if I get everything else done, I still need to work on something in my main area (like staying ahead of schedule on my degree's equivalent to a dissertation. Before I started classes again, I was in a community group, but I have mixed feelings about being regularly involved in it again.

If I had the time and didn't feel guilty about using my parents' money for something that isn't necessary, I would like to study acting.

Originally Posted by silver tree

Then perhaps don't. Just get to know someone without thinking along those lines and try and pick up on signals? make it clear that you don't want to just sleep with someone and so put that boundary there early on, and then just see how things go?

No one respects boundaries anymore. I mean, I guess the guys that have coerced me into anything sexual have at least allowed me to remain a virgin. I'm actually quite surprised about that, to be honest.

Besides, by even mentioning sex, that's going to encourage them. It seems that if a guy has interest and I don't, I have to completely ignore them or they just assume I'm "playing hard to get". Even if I told them they overstepped my boundaries. And they never get it and keep sending me messages.

I'm afraid to get someone interested in me unless I know 100% for sure that I'm interested in them and will always have interest in them. Which is impossible to know with that much certainty. Fortunately (in this case), almost no one ever has any interest in me.

I haven't yet found a way to adequately communicate that my "No" actually means "No." Or even that anything less than an emphatic "Yes" means "No." And I've told that pretty much verbatim to someone before. And he still pushed the boundary hard and kept trying to get me in a situation where I would get drunk (and he knew that that would make it easier for me to just say yes to get the inevitable over with).

Originally Posted by silver tree

If you are just really wanting to be in a relationship then join some dating sites maybe? that way you know what they are there for when they talk to you. Nearly half of all relationships start on-line now so everyone is doing it

I have. They're terrible. I'm afraid to meet another person off a dating site without someone I trust present. I don't want to be forced into something sexual right off the bat…even though I've never gone as far as actual intercourse, they've actually ruined sex for me.

All these people want is sex. I have nothing against random, anonymous sex in general, I just personally don't want anything to do with it. And that's what I've gotten with dating sites. Just having my profile up and having people send me messages creeps me out now.

Basically, dating sites are for hook-ups. That's not what I want. I can have a much more enjoyable sexual experience on my own, thank you very much.

I don't have a lot of interests outside of my career field, and none that I can really meet anybody through. I write and that's either a solitary activity or when I go to a writer's group, it's me and one other person. Other groups that may have other people don't meet often enough for me to meet anyone. Besides, meeting people isn't significant in and of itself. I meet plenty of people. I rarely spend time with any and almost never feel any closeness.

Another hobby (I guess) I have is video games, but I'm way too "casual" anymore to fit in with that group. Hell, I can't even wear video game themed t-shirts anymore without comments and them giving me a hard time because I haven't played the latest game in the series. But I'm not buying a system for just one game.

Other interests I've had tend to go from hot to cold. One week I absolutely love something and it's in the forefront of my mind and the next week, I can't have anything to do with it because it's too triggering or I simply have no interest in it anymore. So, how could I ever find anyone in any other area outside of my career area? At least I know I'll always be interested in that.

Also, I'm discovering that it would be impossible to even be friends with this guy. Being any where near him fills me with anxiety past the point of which I can control or overcome. I don't know if that would go away if I had the chance to actually know him or not?

Besides, if for some ridiculous reason, I like someone before really getting to know them, doesn't that mean that I won't like them if I actually get to know them? Even liking this guy is beyond illogical. But unfortunately, the reason I like him is the reason I ever truly like anyone ever. And this reason never requires me to even get to know the person and also makes me terrified to be around that person (depending on how strong the feelings are), so it means I can never get to know anyone that I want to get to know.