[shakespeare47]

I've been thinking about this issue for a while. Ever notice how people talk about others? It seems there is always some issue. So and so did this. Someone picks on this person because of some dumb, petty issue.

How much attention do you pay? To me, it's about appearances, image, and reputation.

I've always been the type to just ignore whatever is being said. I just refuse to respond. If someone says something to me that suggests they are making judgments about the type of person I am, I make judgments about the type of person they are(in my head), and then actively avoid them. It seems to be working.

But, I notice others tend to take it as an opportunity to talk about the offender behind their back, in an attempt to discredit the offender and turn "public opinion" against them.

Does anyone else see this happening? What is your response when someone makes judgments about you, and tries to put you in position where you start to feel judged and defensive? Do you fight back? Do you ignore it? Is there some other way to respond?

[Koko2]

My image with others isn't very good, but I just try to keep a good self-image on my inside and go about my life in peace.

[Trippin2.0]

Doesn't phase me anymore... I wasted soooo much time and effort as a teen and young adult trying to rectify ginormous misconceptions and wrongful judgments of me.


People will mostly think and believe what they choose to.


So now a days I couldn't care less about other people's perceptions of me, I have more important things to contend with.


Besides, only Jesus and Johnny Depp can judge me


Ps. If I'm faced with people making sweeping judgments of others, I however rectify them or tell them to not be so quick to judge.

[IrisBloom]

It really does you no good to worry about what others think. The older I get, the less I care. And if someone wants to talk to me about someone else, I just don't reply. (If you find this to be a problem, you could give them a crazy stare to shut them up )

[vonmoxie]

My feelings about this echo some already expressed.. I used to care what people said about me but don't anymore; it's been a progressive effect for me. For many years I would say I didn't care because it was what I wanted to manifest, but now I just genuinely don't. I mean, I do care what people think of me BUT, I expect them to judge me on me only, and my actions, and if they are not wise enough to know to base opinions on more well reasoned assessments, then the best thing I can do to help them join the world of kind and intelligent discourse is not honor the b.s. they are generating. Beyond that I can't worry about it.

That said, there are certain actions, which could perhaps be called inactions, that I've taken to protect my own image -- in the sense that my life is not 100% an open book. However warm I feel towards a person, I don't want to burden friendships with too many personal truths that I would rather not have widely distributed, because their trustworthiness does not preclude the possibility that they could say something in error based on what I've shared, so why burden them with rope that can hang us? People love to talk, so I'd just as soon their fires not be fueled by my own most sensitive moments in life. But, this is not hard work for me, as I've gotten quite good at it.

And I'm with Iris & Trippin, where discussing the private affairs of others is concerned; I think not taking part goes a long way towards having peace in this area. For the most part people don't talk trash with me, because they know I don't do it, and I have to think my standing for that lessens the possibility of others talking about me in the same way, since there's no potential tit for tat involved.

*edited to add:

This dude actually has a good way of saying the same thing, and quite a bit more concisely than me:

"My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier." ~Anthony Hopkins

[shakespeare47]

Unfortunately, it seems to be a problem with my acquaintances. I just don't know how to react when someone says something that appears to be judgmental and makes me feel defensive. I tend to hold it against them, and make an effort not to engage them in conversation in the future. It makes me attempt to get them out of my life. I tend to hope they get bored and move on to greener pastures, so to speak. I've had a few actually get angry and try to make an issue of what must be the pain they feel from the realization I'm ignoring them. Some have actually angrily accused me of ignoring them. Some people really want a reaction, and will continue to try to get one, unfortunately.

Maybe what I'm asking is... do you have any friends or family who don't play these games? Am I expecting too much from people? Maybe it's just something everyone does.

I love that Anthony Hopkins quote.

[Trippin2.0]

Nobody in my life pushes my buttons on purpose... Either they respect me, or are scared shytless of my wrath.


Works for me either way.


I'm trying really hard to put myself in your shoes, but I can't think of one person who gets my defenses up or appears judgemental toward me... And definitely nobody who'd be doing that to me on purpose.


I wouldn't entertain such bullshyt games anyway.


I definitely expect more.

[shakespeare47]

LOL... I think I just like feeling sorry for myself. I don't like being angry much at all... it just takes too much energy.... I've got better things to do with my time (although I can arouse my anger when necessary). I tend to think "what the hell did I do to deserve this?"... the answer? "maybe they just don't like me, and want me to feel bad about myself".

I know in the situations I have in mind... I literally did nothing to the person in question.... so the issue must be that they have decided that they don't like me, and there isn't much I can do about that.

Sometimes, it almost feels like a threat. like they're thinking "you better figure out why it is we don't like you and change... or you'll get more of this". To which I would reply "why don't you go bother someone else". But, perhaps I'm just reading too much into it.

[vonmoxie]

Shakes, is it possible you could work on how you handle that stuff more in the moment? If there's no chance afterwards of anything but it festering, why not confront them in the moment in a constructive way, put them on the spot a bit.. maybe not "what do you mean by that" or "why would you say that" but whatever might be most likely to invite them into resolving it, like maybe "could you elaborate" or "i'd love if you could elaborate on that" ..

With friends and family, I just call them out for it. I don't like to reward bad behavior, even with the convenience of my silence. Those that used to do it in my presence don't much do it anymore, because they've realized I don't put up with it. And with acquaintances, I suppose I feel less mad at them or even judgmental than simply thankful that they've alerted me through the behaviors they've exhibited to me, what I can expect from them. There will always be crappy behavior, and some of it might even be understandable, where people are dealing with situations they don't know how to process. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it though.

[shakespeare47]

That may work.... I can think of a situation recently when I could have just said "why do you ask?".

I have learned and changed, in that when I was in my 20's... I would try to talk rationally to my criticizers and defend myself.. They loved that.... it's like I was telling them that their criticism had merit, and that I didn't understand the "game" (the game being that we're trying to make you feel bad about yourself... and it's working!).

[Open Eyes]

I think you have a healthy way of looking at it tbh. People tend to use a broad brush so they can feel safer about themselves IMHO. But I find that using a broad brush can lead to missing important things that an individual may not deserve to be labeled with.

Personally, I am skeptical about "images" as people can portray an image and yet be something very different, even something it is wise to stay away from.

There is no such thing as a perfect person either, but everyone we meet we learn something from.

Here is an article that you may enjoy reading shakesphere.
How Successful People Handle Toxic People - Forbes

I remember when I first joined PC the one thing I did not want to do is start a "saga thread". Every once in a while I will create a thread and vent, but I don't really like to do that. Even though I have had some significant challenges, I did manage to turn whatever into something productive. When things got hard somehow I would always say to myself, "Ok this is very hard, but I am going to learn something from it", and that always helped me perservere.

By far, the hardest has been this PTSD that has significantly challenged and often crippled me. Not so easy to make something "positive" come from it, I try.

OE

[shakespeare47]

The good news is that this issue used to be (when I was in my 20's) like an 8 or 9 (out of 10), now it's like just something nagging in the background, and maybe as low as a 1 or 2.

Edit: Here's something else that's a little odd. In general, I tend to be so forgiving of these people, that I forget from one encounter to the next, that they tend to say these nasty things to me. So much so, that I'm continually surprised (even amused) by some people's bad behavior.

[Open Eyes]

"Edit: Here's something else that's a little odd. In general, I tend to be so forgiving of these people, that I forget from one encounter to the next, that they tend to say these nasty things to me. So much so, that I'm continually surprised by some people's behavior." quote shakesphere

Yes, I have experienced that myself. But, in that article it's not bad to be forgiving with people and forget from one encounter to the next. Depending on the person or encounter, if the person says nasty things, then all that means is they wanted more attention from you, well, people can be like that.

I worked with crowds a lot and learned to let things go over my head, I had not realized how good I was at that until I had asked other adults to help me. These adults were very rattled by how "rude" people can be and could not understand how I could deal with it.

I also met a lot of different people who had their own businesses too and oh did they have stories to tell too. One of my customers had his own supermarket located in an upscale town. He used to have a day that he would use my services, give out free hot dogs and drinks and have specials to thank his customers. Well, one year he had it but he had a severe illness in his family and he did not have the free hot dogs. Well, people got mad and were actually rude about it. When I went into his office to get paid, he was so upset so I took some time out to just listen to him vent, after all he didn't even have to do that special day and give free things and here were people acting so damn entitled and rude to him.

As a business owner myself, I have seen people doing and saying things that shocked me constantly. It doesn't even matter what class of people I am working with either. So often I found myself wondering where people's minds were and how could they even have what they have and be that way is beyond me. If you think those people in those beautiful homes are happy or better than you, think again. Oh, there is the image and then there is "reality" and they are indeed very different.

That being said, I have also met some amazingly interesting people too, and they are just as shocked as you and me.

[shakespeare47]

One of the dilemmas I face is that it does sometimes seem that in order to survive, I must become "one of them". I don't want to be "one of them". I want to live a civil, rational life.

[BobbyDavis]

I don’t particularly care what other people think of me anymore.

I have ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome and OCD and I lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends after they found out I had disabilities and it hurt at the time and made me feel like a freak but when I look back at those days now my Sister was right about me being better off without those people and I can’t believe I let it get to me because I was just letting them win. I spent so many years hiding who I was and trying to fit in and be ‘normal’ because I was worried what other people would think of me if they found out I was different but now I only care about the people who are dearest to me like my wife, my sister, my children, my cousins and my friends because I know they love me for who I am.

I choose to focus on the good things in life and I think other people should do the same thing because life is too short to surround yourself with negativity.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I care what people think of me, even if I pretend I don't. Can't help it. Dunno whether it's the OCD, social anxiety, or what, but it's a problem. Sometimes I can let it slide and not care much, but usually I do.

I've actually intentionally not gone out, many times, just because I don't look how I used to. (used to be skinny, now, ... not) I feared people from my past seeing me and judging me, spreading horrible rumors. (which they probably did anyway ¬_¬ one person thought I was an alcoholic -_-)

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

One of the dilemmas I face is that it does sometimes seem that in order to survive, I must become "one of them". I don't want to be "one of them". I want to live a civil, rational life.

To expound. I see what seem like "normal" people around me saying all kinds of nasty things about their neighbors and friends. It sickens me, and yet, it appears to be seen as normal.

What's up with that? I find it hard not to do it myself when it appears to be seen as normal by those around me.

I'd like to stop the next person who tries that crap (spreading gossip), and do what can make them feel bad about themselves for being such crappy friends and neighbors.

Is it something that needs to be stopped, or I do I just need to come to grips with the fact that it's just something people do?