[followthesigns]

For as long as I can remember, I've had low self esteem. Not just the occasional, "my hair looks bad" or "this shirt is tacky." It was a more deep and self loathing type of lack of confidence. I hated myself. Everything about me, made me cringe in disgust. My face, my body, my health, and my lack of motivation towards school and socializing. Every time I saw my reflection, my hatred for who I was grew even more. I kept to myself, and did as much as I could to avoid making connections with anyone.

All of that changed when I met a girl, who later came to be my first crush,
kiss, love, and miss. I met her through Instagram. I know, pathetic, but I was lonely. I saw her name on the comment of a picture, can't recall what it was of or what her comment said, but for some reason I went to her profile. The moment I saw her, my stomach filled with butterflies that nearly erupted from my very mouth. Her eyes, green like the spring undergrowth that flourished in the park near my home. Her hair, a beautiful shade of brown resembling mahogany, only more vibrant. Her smile lit up my life like daylight does after a stormy night. I loved her, and I knew it the moment I saw her. Not only her appearance, but every little detail. The cute way her nose would crinkle up when she'd laugh, the laugh itself and how she'd snort if she laughed too hard, her voice.. As if it were that of an angel's. I can't help but come to tears when I think of her now. I'm on the verge of falling to my knees and breaking down in depression as I write this.

A month or two had passed, we had started talking regularly when I popped the question. And I quote, "I've grown to really appreciate the friendship that I've acquired with you over the we've been talking, but quite frankly I'd like it to be more than that." A silence fell over us, no one spoke for a good minute or so but it felt like hours had gone by when she finally said something, "Yes." A sense of pure happiness fell over me, I'll never forget that moment. It was at that time, that I finally felt at peace with myself, and the sadness stopped.

Over the next few months, I became increasingly happier each day. Every day I'd sit in school staring down the clock, just watching the minutes crawl by. Once school was out, I'd rush home as quickly as I could sparing no time. I'd barrel into the house and spring onto my bed awaiting the phone call placed each day.
She lived in the same time zone, which proved to make things easier than they could've been, but unfortunately she lived about a thousand miles away from me, which came to be a problem. No, we never did meet up. We had several "plans" to. Nothing was ever official, but we often fueled each others hopes with unkept promises to meet up with each other over the summer of winter or for our birthdays. But at the time, I didn't care. I had found someone that made me feel better not only about myself, but life as a whole. I felt as if I actually served a purpose on this god forsaken planet. I felt needed.

Months went by like that, not a care in the world I spent my days just yearning for that daily call at 3:30. Of course we'd text back and forth in between phone sessions, but I some how felt closer to her when I could hear her voice. Two years went by before any issues came to be between us. Then, the slow and painful descent from happiness to the pit of despair began. We started fighting, breaking up and making up every couple of months which took a substantial and emotional tole on me, if not the both of us. Each fight was more instance than the last, but I was willing to forgive and forget whatever went down if it meant staying with her even a moment longer. I had gone from gleeful and cheery, back to my good old emotionally distressed self that I was before she came into my life. The fighting went on for a year or so, when we broke up for what I thought was for good.

We cut all contact between us for a while. As you may have already figured out, it didn't last. We began talking again. Only this time, she had changed. She had starting using drugs, drinking, and partying. I was taken by shock. I was mortified that she had changed so much in so little time, just the seemingly immediate fall that took place terrified me. Regardless, I still loved her. Issues and all.

Not much time passed, when I learned of a guy she had met during our absence of contact. He was the one that had exposed her to the life she was living at the time. He was the most arrogant, ignorant, bottom feeding, degenerate I had ever met. Just the mentioning of his name made my blood boil. I hated him, and with a burning passion. He constantly encouraged her lack of good judgement and carefree attitude. Not only that, but he made numerous passes at her. He always had his hands all over her, which infuriated me. What was even worse, was that i couldn't even do anything about it because of the distance between us. All I could do, was watch in horror as the great thing that once made my life livable crumbled before me. Still, blinded by love, I pursued her. We got back together shortly after being reunited.

One day, he came to her house drunk. Wasted off his *** and lacking whatever reasoning and judgement he possibly possessed before his arrival. He pinned her and forced himself on her, kissing her and feeling her all over. No sexual intercourse took place, or so I'm told. She claimed she resisted, but to be honest, I don't know what to believe. She had several back and forth situations with him, he would pursue her at times and vice versa. They'd have constant "slip ups" as she called them. One time, they played a joke on me. She came to me crying that they had had sexual intercourse after a party one night. Livid, I asked him if it was true. No foul play was mentioned. He agreed to having sexual relations involving her. Upset, I said I didn't want to talk anymore and hung up the call. She then became infuriated with me for hanging up. It was a joke, she later explained. I was still upset, but a sense of relief struck me. She always made him sound like the bad guy of the scenario, but she'd later fess up to being an equal contributor to the event. So, as you may have already guessed, I was pretty skeptical when she claimed to have been assaulted in the manor stated. I had had enough. I was tired of being hurt so regularly. I told her it was over. I cut all ties and tried my hardest not to look back. Of course I did look back, at every waking moment.

The months following our separation were awful. I became lethargic and bitter. I had become a terrible person. I often contemplated harming myself, even ending my life. I hurt others in attempts to keep myself from being hurt again. Whenever I'd begin to feel close with someone, I'd panic and cease contact. I had reverted back to my former self prior to her arrival.

It's been a year now since we broke up and last spoke. I'll occasionally work up the nerve to check her Instagram and see how she's doing, but other than that, nothing has happened between us. I still miss her, as hard as it is to believe. I think I always will. I'm beginning to feel happy again, and not for any reason but my own doing. I starting to feel like everything's going to work out fine for me. Would I take it all back if I could? Do I regret ever meeting her? No, I don't. I learned a lot from her. I have her to thank for many good things that still exist in my life. Many tool for success and being at peace with myself.

Life is always going to try and throw you a curve ball. You can't do anything to prevent, there's no point in even trying. It's all part of living. All you can do, is later the way you react, and learn from your past, and attempt to better yourself for the future. It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.

Thanks so much for your story . I loved a girl like that too (still do actually). We never dated or anything and she never knew that I loved her, but once I told her she stopped contacting me (it's been 2 years).

I think the same thing would've happened to me if we ever did date, eventually she would have got sick of me, because I'm not the most lovable guy around, and a bit of a moron socially and emotionally. But, I knew she would have improved me though and made me "human" which is what your girl did too in the initial stages of your relationship as I understand it.

It's so true what you say, I don't think we will ever stop loving our "loved ones". It's funny, my loved one also had a short relationship with the type of guy you mentioned. It also hurt me, but you know, I learnt eventually, and as much as it pains me to say this, that it actually speaks volumes about their personality and the type of people they hang out with. Logically, do you think it's healthy to have a relationship with such a person? Suddenly, they seem just as damaged as us in a weird sort of way if you really think about it.

[lilypup]

I'm glad you are feeling happy and more at peace with yourself. Good for you.

Originally Posted by lilypup

I'm glad you are feeling happy and more at peace with yourself. Good for you.

Thanks a bunch, but ummm...I don't know if happy and at peace would be the right way to describe it yet. It still hurts sometimes. I've just got so many triggers and it's not things I can predict, you know, what will and what won't trigger me. It's silly little things. It's like at university, I'll see a couple walking, holding hands and then I feel that hurt again, or I see a VW Polo (she used to drive one) and I think of her. I'm such a stupid person, why the hell does it even matter so much?

[written_by]

This will be a long long road. Very very familiar with this situation. I don't have any words of advice or encouragement. It's gonna hurt like a bee-sting for a long time.
You're not stupid, by the way. It takes courage to love someone. You're gonna get hurt in love. That's a fact. If you don't, you're doing it wrong. Go ahead and be pained. Be hurt. These things only heal with time.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by lilypup

I'm glad you are feeling happy and more at peace with yourself. Good for you.

Oooh sorry, I only realize my possible mistake now. The post wasn't meant for me, was it? Sooo Sorry, I saw your name, Lilypup, and recognized it from my other thread (where I posted about my thing with that girl) and thought you were referring to me...Sorry followthesigns, didn't mean to answer in your place . I'm really just screwing up lately, I apologize.