[rannah]

Hi, I'm 18. My mom and my siblings fight a lot. My brother and mom.scream at eachother throughout the day. My sister and mom get along sometimes, but throughout the day they have these terse little exchanges over little, petty incidents and then sulk and don't speak to eachother. My.sister shuts down on people when she's upset. I think its because of how things were when we were kids. I was bossy and mom could have a temper, and she couldn't really argue with either of us, she kind of was intimidated, and if she tried to say no to me or stand up for herself I was really mean to her, so when she got older I guess she just decided that if she couldn't fight back or stand up for herself shed just walk away and shut off whenever someone seemed rude, sothat's what she does I guess. Anyway, their little exchanges never turn into real fights because my sister leaves the room instead, and mom challenges her with "Are you supposed to be mad at me? "
When mom and my siblings are fighting, or if there's some kind of fight or conflict going on, or if I get in trouble or if I get reprimanded, even if its not angrily, I always get quiet and kind of look down. In the last situation, its not because I'm mad, its because. . .I don't know, I guess I'm not sure what to do.? Its just a little awkward. When people are fighting or there's tension, I often look at the floor and get quiet, and sometimes I leave the room, to wait till its calmer. Usually I come back in a while later to try to cheer mom up joking around stupidly. But. . .when I look down and stuff, mom sees that as my being upset or mad or something. BTW I don't fight with my.mom, I'm too scared of her being mad at me or not liking me.
I know this post probably sounds dumb. But. . .something's been kind of bothering me for the past few days. Mom had a fight with my siblings, as usual. Nothing out of he ordinary, I guess. She and my brother screamed at eachother. I think it was my brother complaining because we haven't been in school for four years and he wants to be schooled, and my mom doesn't like talking about that, so they always fight. Its a bad topic. So a man came past to fix something in our house, mom told us to come downstairs and out of the room. So my sis and I came down, and my mom said, "You all need to be upstairs watching the man. You're the one who said he needed to fix the toilet ("you" referring to my sister) . " So I turned to go upstairs like she said, and my.sister said, "I thought you said for us to come downstairs. "I think she was wondering why mom took the tone she did. Mom said, "No, I.didn't! " My sister, confused, asked, "Then who said we were supposed to come downstairs? " (Sis hadn't heard mom.saying it, I'd delivered the message) . Mom snapped, "So you're being sarcastic with me! " Sis got upset and stormed upstairs, and I followed, because mom said to go upstairs, but also to kind of get away from.the tension. Like I said, it was nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual everyday drama. I sat down and waited for the man to be done, but at the same time, I was afraid mom would think I was mad at her or something, and would be mad at me, too. When the man left, I went downstairs making dumb jokes as usual to see if mom would cheer up, ual, but mom was sulking and didn't want to be bothered. I went upstairs again, and the house was pretty much deadly quiet because everybody was sulking, and I felt kind of sick to my stomach. I was afraid that mom was mad at me, too, either because she thought I'd been mad at her, or maybe her being mad at my siblings was making her think of my shortcomings or something. Often, if mom gets mad at somebody or has a fight with somebody, and then starts ranting to me or wont really speak to me that much, I get this thing where I feel like maybe she's as mad at me as she is at them. Like maybe I'm not helpful enough, or maybe it makes her think of my shortcomings when other people make her mad. Its just kind of a worry I have, so its OK if it sounds dumb or something. But I can't really tell whether she's just p*ssed at the other person or whether she's mad at me, too. So I was. . .this probably sounds dumb, but I was kind of scared. I sat upstairs feeling scared and then my sister said my mom left. I got really anxious then. It was raining. Mom hadn't told me she was leaving, and I was afraid shed gone off to get away from all of us. She was gone for maybe an hour or an hour & a half and I called her phone but didn't get a response. I was scared she was disgusted with me along with my siblings and was ignoring my calls. I waited for her to come back, and all the while tried to figure out what I was going to do if mom came back in an even angrier, more hostile mood. I wondered if she was going to holler at all of us, or if I was an awful daughter.
So by the time mom came back, I was crying. She said shed just gone to the store, I told her I'd been scared shed left because of me and she said "oh whatever, get out of the way."
So life has gone on as it normally does, with me making lame jokes and playing around, working on getting a job, etc. But I've been kind of confused since that incident. I know maybe this is dumb and childish and shouldn't be on here, but. . .I don't know. This isn't the first time I've gotten this scared - some weeks ago mom had a fight with granddad over an issue about money and my dads child support. I wasn't there when they had the fight, I just woke up to mom saying something about ". . ..respect me as your mother! " and slamming the door, but I figured it was just drama between my brother and her. Then MT sister got me up to say my granddad had brought us money. When granddad left, mom started to rant and cry loudly, saying granddad didn't respect her (I hadn't seen or heard the fight), and that we didn't stand up for her, nobody cared about her, we didn't care about her, etc. My sister came around and they exchanged some words, and I felt really confused and really bad. Mom sobbed that we didn't understand, and I couldn't say that I did understand because I'm still only 18, but told mom I was trying to understand. I told her I didn't know what to do. She started crying again and sent us out. I wasn't sure whether she was crying again because of me or because of the issue with granddad. She vented on the phone for some time and I sat in my room, feeling scared. I thought maybe shed come out of the room angrier than ever. I was scared that maybe shed be mad at me, or mad at my sister. I I was really scared of her lashing out, and some other fears I wont get into. An hour later, she came out of her room and I.brought her my money again, hoping she wouldn't lash out. But she said she was sorry and that she took her anger at granddad out on us, which surprised me because she hadn't really done that before.

What happened a few days ago wasn't the first time I got those fears. It was just the first time I started crying, then told mom I'd been scared; usually I just wait for everything to calm down. That's why I'm.confused. Ive never really thought about it before now, but am starting to question myself as to why I get so scared about stuff like this. I guess I wonder if its something weak in my personality, or. . .I don't know. I guess I wonder if I should feel dumb for getting scared like that, or for crying that time? I have this strange sense of guilt.
If it makes no sense for this to be on psychcentral, then I'm.sorry lol. Just kind of confused.

Hi rannah, welcome .

Wow, it appears you have been through quite a lot, many hugs .

I would say it sounds like your mom is really struggling with what seems to be possibly extremely troubling financial woes, but coupled with some kind of mental disorder perhaps. It appears she thinks that her children hate her or are mad at her the whole time for some reason, and I think it is amplified by the feeling that she is maybe not providing like she would want to. Sometimes, the children don't even have to complain or want for anything and the parent still feels this way.

Your feelings are also totally understandable. You're guilt might be subconsciously coming from the fact that she is struggling to provide and you feel you are not showing enough gratitude to your mom and I think she might have planted that seed in your mind by guilt-tripping you perhaps? Does she sometimes say "You guys don't appreciate anything I do!" in a nasty sort of tone?

I wouldn't say you are weak at all, being scared is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being unsure and confused about something, and that's normal. The thing about being scared of her reactions (or going away for an hour or more) and the feeling of not wanting to make her angry with the "wrong" response sounds like conditioning and guilt-tripping your whole life by her. My dad used to do the same thing, when you don't react the way they expect or go up against them in some way, they then turn around and say you don't appreciate them and they make you feel really guilty and that you should be a lot more thankful than you are. I know it all too well .

But, that happens when income is not too great and the parent is struggling to fulfil the role of "provider" and it becomes their number 1 obsession. They then actually become the role of provider rather than parent and the whole relationship can become rather cold and business-like. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you and your mom are not really close, are you? By close I mean you can go up to her and tell her anything, spill your guts, open your heart to her, chat about boys you might like, etc. It sounds to me like your relationship is quite distant, you make silly jokes to try and soften her mood or uplift her, it seems like you walk on eggshells around her. My dad and I have a similar relationship. I've always got to cheer him up somehow, or make him feel appreciated, or let him vent for hours about how horrible his colleagues are at work, etc. I feel what you are trying to get across, it's not easy to put into words, I know. It's not a parent-child relationship, it's different. Sometimes that parent almost feels like your employer or something, and your family like a company (like colleagues or competitors, vying for the boss's attention and possible rewards). Unfortunately, I don't have siblings, so my latter statement could be wrong, I don't know.

Thanks so much for your posting, you didn't have to fear about your post not being relevant on PsychCentral, it is very relevant! The complexities of the family dynamic is what moulds all young people in their lives into the future. It can make you or break you - it's very important!

All the best

[woundedsoul]

Ah sweetie, anything and everything you want and need to say, is relevant here. And we want to listen to you. It sounds like are having quite a difficult childhood, that nobody should have to go through. I am very sorry for that. Every child should feel safe, and happy and protected by their parents. But it sounds like your mother is going through a very difficult time and doesn't know how to deal with it, and seems to be taking out all of her stress on you and your siblings, which is so unfair to you all. It can and probably is so damaging to the children, but she probably doesn't even realize what she's doing. Although that's not an excuse for her poor behavior and bad parenting. You can and should come here and talk to us as often as you like about anything you want. We're here for you. Nothing you want to ask us is stupid or silly. Got it? Even if you have something you want to talk about personally, you can send a personal message to anyone that you like. Just click on their avatar, then you'll see that's above where you writ the message. The first one says about, click the last one, unerring that is send a private message. Don't worry, you're in great hands here! And we're glad to have you. Check out the depression forum. It's a great forum.

[healingme4me]

Reading about the scared feeling, was it a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Did your crying spell happen before or after her return home?

I feel I may understand the emotion you are trying to express, but it's certainly a complicated one. Due to the high conflict environment, is how I'm reading it.
Dread, frustration, resentment, sense of feeling trapped, are possible emotions that would seem relevant to have in such an environment.

:Hug: