[hoping4best]

I have been married for about a year now and i still dont get it, what does my husband really want from me. i have gathered this much that he wants me to be a thrifty wife who doesnt spend much,who even cuts down her basic expenses to minimum and believe me i am really trying hard to come upto his expectations but still sometimes i happen to spend money somewhere he thinks is unnecessary and then he flips out!! he stops talking to me, doesnt reply my texts except for insulting me. i forgot to mention that we have been living apart due to job reasons and intend to move in together soon. we are also expecting a baby and i know some of you guys will think im gonna be a terrible mother for saying this but when my husband treats me badly i just so want to hurt the unborn baby! i know that is so terrible, i even feel bad for writing it down. im suicidal and i dont want my baby to suffer through this life alone if i do end up killing myself eventually. i discussed my financial issues with my in laws today and basically lost my temper and they lost theirs and then i was the bad person who was disrespectful and the one with attitude! i so want to die right now and would probably had done that last night if i had 100% sure way of killing myself. i want to go in a peaceful way,probably by pills overdose, but if i survive the pills would still have severe effects on baby and i just want to disappear and not rot in hell. my husband says that he loves me but all that goes down the drain when he finally loses his temper and tells me that im a disappointment as a wife and that i have ruined his life. when he says this i dont think he really loves me or trusts me. he doesnt trust me with financial matters. what should i do? i cant go to a therapist, they are hell expensive and i live with my in laws i cant go without telling them and its just not appropriate to tell them either.

[lilypup]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please get the idea of hurting your baby or yourself out of your mind. Things will get better, and if your husband continues to have this behavior, you can always find a different situation. I am glad you have at least thought of therapy. You can call around to community services and referral or a similar place. Keep calling and you will eventually find help. When you can, think about getting your own job and having your own money. Get training if you need it. There is a bright future out there. Hugs.

[curley]

HI Hoping for Best, I agree that finding a different situation would be your best bet. No one wants to hear that they are a bad wife, daughter in law, etc. I would try to find some kind of counseling, sometimes offered by the state that is pay what you can or else they go by your income! If you do not work, you have none.
I hope you feel better about your baby, you are right those are awful thoughts. But sometimes we can not help the way we feel. The baby in innocent. Maybe I should not suggest this but have you considered giving the baby up for adoption? It could be best for his or her life!
Good luck to you!!!

[Can't Stop Crying]

keep in mind that regarding your thoughts about your unborn baby - these are just thoughts - it doesn't make you a horrible person.

I agree, try to find someone you can talk to about this....have you discussed these thoughts with your ob/gyn?

hang in there - you are not alone!

[hoping4best]

i have read your replies and i thank you all for taking time out to read my post and reply.

well, i really do need help. i needed help when i joined this forum and that would be 5 years ago! and i still need help. situations were a bit different at that time, as my major problem back then was not being able to study and having crush on unavailable boys but i had realized that all this was because of not having the right attitude towards life! i was desperate to get approval of my family and colleagues and teachers and ofcourse of the guys i used to like from time to time. and i realized yesterday that the issue is still the same! i feel angry..yes..and may be that is not so bad..but i tend to EXPRESS my anger EVERYDAY DAMN TIME! :/ and that just ruins everything!!! i cant afford therapy so now im looking for articles online to help me get better control on my anger issues. wish me luck