How Do I Let Go Of What She Has Done?

There's just too much detail to my story, so here's the condensed version:

I've been with my girlfriend for about 3.5 years. She has betrayed my trust and lied to me on many accounts. "Technically" she hasn't cheated, but it's a very fine line when you have another guy live at my house with you while I'm away and sleep with him for a month... There's really so much stuff she has done that hurts so bad and is hard to let go, like doing things with two of my closest friends (who I am no longer friends with because of that).

I can't say that I'm innocent. About two years ago, while on tour, I thought that sleeping with random groupies would make me happy. BUT! I told my ex (at the time) that I wanted to do this to cure my depression. I never kept ANYTHING from her because I cared about her feelings as well. I gave her an out, but she said she was fine with me doing it because she knows that I will never see them again.

All the stuff that she has done, I had to find out by probing her with the SAME questions until her web of lies would slip.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, she left me for about 2 months, did a bunch of things that hurt me, got lonely, came back, wanted to make us work, and then I found out ALL OF THE LIES in like a week.

Ugh, can you believe this is the short version? So today has been 3 days since I broke up with her because I haven't really gone a day without these negative thoughts clouding my mind. It's been really messing with my happiness, so I had to take a break. She doesn't know that I broke up with her to see if she goes back to snorting coke, being with anyone who gives her a bit of attention, and breaks her 1 year sobriety goal.

So what I need help on is:
How do I let that stuff go? I can tell she's ready to put all of that behind her, but I didn't even know she was capable of it. It's hard to trust her again because she broke my trust while knowing that is LITERALLY ALL that I have asked of and given from day one. How do I delete the images of other guys being with her while we have sex? Should I just move on? She finally seems to be coming around and being more honest which seems to be so rare to find these days.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate what you guys do here.

The above struck me as odd Are you assuming she is going to do all these things or are you going by past behavior?

Are you leaving her hanging just to see what she will do with out you there ???

The point is you both cheated and unless you both agree to an open realtionship I would imagine this will"probably" going to continue. Of course your going to be in pain and feel depressed over this "relationship" that's a normal reaction.

I think you have 2 options ...1. Go about the way you two have acted in the past and be open about sleeping with others or you 2. break off the relationship.

If you choose to leave you will need to process the loss and grieve for a relationship ending.
If you choose to stay are you going to ever be able to trust her again ?

These are choices you have to make.

I wish you the best

Telling your ex about your groupie habit doesn't mean all sins are forgiven. (I get the feeling that you believe this to be true given your capitalized "BUT".) Do you realize that much of the trust was broken way back then, even if she says that she has been able to move forward?

Do you realize that she may have had the same sorts of thoughts about you with other groupies? Maybe she was trying to get back at you. Maybe she was pushing that boundary just to make you mad. I know I'd be tempted to, with the caveat that I didn't technically cheat....unlike you....so I am still the better partner.

Its going to take a heck of a lot of work on both your part and her part to put this relationship back together. If you think that your little breakup test is going to prove something, you're wrong. These sorts of games never turn out the way that you want them to. I see this sort of thing as being childish. (I had another friend do something similar as a "test" and guess what? He lost the girl. No surprise there.)

And, I find it very odd that you're the one who has trust issues with HER! I feel a double standard at play. Neither one of you really trust the other, but I get the feeling that you are feeling very much the victim in all of this......you do remember who cheated first, right? You do remember who broke trust first, right?

I think the difference is that: you told her after you already did and she did understand your reason so, what you are looking for from her is to tell you after she did also. I think she assumed that you understand what she is doing because she understood you then. If you were to choose to start over with her, maybe you should discuss to agree on something before doing, if she does it without your consent and you find out later that she did, then she breached. Ask her if she breached, if she denies then, that is a LIE, if you fail to ask then, that is not a lie, it's just being not "open".

I think if you really love her wholeheartedly, you will be looking at her as "TODAY" that you don't care of the past. IMO, that stuff would go if you decide not to see her again and move on. If you take it as an experience to learn from, that you deserve better than her and stop asking the "what if" question, it's easy to let go, I suppose.

If you are to have sex with her again and see images of other guys with her that means that you haven't forgiven her and that you don't really love her because you are entertaining your mind to rule you. In my opinion, you are not emotionally hurt but rather, you are mentally hurt because of EGO.

Wish you the best buddy!

I don't believe anyone ever just "let's go" of very hurtful stuff. So I don't think that there is a formula for doing that. The best you two can do, if you want to stay together, is to recommit and then see how that goes for the next year or two.

You'll let go of the past, if you see real change in the present. You've both strayed from the relationship. It seems like you two don't really value "exclusivity," so I don't see where the motivation is going to come from to be faithful.

While you feel that your straying while on the road was very different because you told her and got her permission, it's not as different as you think. When you did that, you communicated to her that you were not 100% devoted to her. Regardless of what she said to you about it being alright, I promise you it did not feel good to her to know you did that. To some extant, she has been kind of evening the score. That's what tends to happen.

I dunno. It sounds to me like this relationship is a goner. Too much stuff has happened that you can't take back, she can't take back.
Trust is shot all to hell.
And if you don't have trust, pretty much one of the biggest building blocks of a relationship... just sayin' ... you are already in a hole that is very hard to dig out of or build on.

Life may not seem short to you right now, but trust me it is. And you can learn from this and start over, have a clean slate ... with someone else. Better to start fresh and do things right from the beginning. And raise your bar! If you want better, you have to Be Better and Expect Better from the start.

Take your time to heal from this and don't do these kinds of things, or accept this nonsense from your next partner. In real time, none of this is okay. It's all hurtful.

I am sorry for your heartbreak.

All the best to you ~

Here's the condensed version: Wow, that whole situation, on both sides, sounds hurtful, but couples have recovered from worse. So can you guys, if you both want it.

Get some help, a therapist for yourself first to help with your depression and the problems of unrealistic expectations. And if you want to make a go with the girl, a couples counselor for both of you. One of the things you might work on with the therapist are concepts of trust, honesty and what's cheating and what's not. Those issues sound all muddled up in this relationship.

I wish you the best. I've known couples to recover from worse situations and to end up happy being together. But it took a lot of work from both partners. Good Luck!

I think I would take what I had learned and put those things into a new relationship. I wouldn't trust either of you at this point. Sorry.