At A Loss

Good afternoon

For the past nine years I have been in a constant struggle with depression and to top it off my wife has continued to send money home to her family in the Philippines.

We have discussed this many times, calm and rationally, and now it is just an argument every time it comes up.

For example, I work a full-time job and make good money, after paying ALL the bills I have nothing left for food. You would think my wife would take up that portion of the household expenses, but she will not and refuses to.
We have two children who have, on more than one occasion mentioned that they are hungry and we have nothing to eat.

This started another argument today when I said she needs to stop sending money home and worry about her family her in the United States. I paid all the bills and we had $67.00 left for the next two weeks and that does not include gas to get to work (DO NOT KNOW how I am going to pull that out my back side). She instantly starts calling me an A-hole and that I always blame her. In a way I am because it is her fault. She works, receives and income and will not contribute to the needs of the family. She even has her own checking account because she said "her money is her money.", Really? I wish I could pull that card!

I have tried telling her directly, I have tried getting her into the household finances, she refuses and says she wants nothing to do with it. She continually charges stuff to her credit card and forgets to pay the monthly minimum. I have always tried to keep her out of financial ruin but it has just become too much!

I have my own issues to deal with and I have cancelled all my appointments because I cannot take off of work, due to the finances. I cannot afford to lose pay at work.

Being from two different countries is difficult but she just refuses to accept that she does not owe her mom and dad, she needs to focus on us, here, now, our children.

Finally, I told her today either help with the bills here or go back to the Philippines because I am tired of dealing with the stress. With depression it makes it doubly hard! I literally want to give up and just say "screw it!" I love my wife but I do not love her irresponsible financial behavior. We can never save any money because I am always trying to find a way to pay for everything.

I do not want my two kids to grow up in a home with one parent but at this point I do not know if I can take any more of this without going off the deep end and totally withdrawing from society!

The main concern I have here is, making her accept the fact that she cannot afford to take care of her family back in the Philippines, and focus on our lives. Divorce will cost me more in the long run financially as well as for the good of my kids! I'm just at a loss now!

Wait wait what?....

Your wife, is willing to allow her OWN kids to go hungry, while she is sending away ALL her money to her parents?????

I mean I get family obligations, my culture is pretty big on it too, but that is just pretty *****ed up.

No amount of tradition or culture or obligation explains this "logic" of hers.

Who's responsibility are these children exactly?
Apparently not hers, IMO she shouldn't have had any children if she was unwilling to assume responsibility for them, if she was willing to put her parents before them.

It will be a cold day in hell before I put anyone else before my daughter.

I have no clue how you're supposed to resolve this issue when she so clearly is disinterested in resolving it, her priorities are misguided.

What I would do though?

Stop paying her bills, whatever she charges to her own credit card is HER problem, if its her money like she says, its her debt too.
End of story

Wow just WOW...

I would just stop making any of your money allowed into her hands . Too bad her credit card is not your problem!... Buy food for your children and yourself ..If she sits down to eat .. ask her to go into another room and explain to her you were only able to buy enough food for him and the children.. Let her get mad ... she gets mad about everything anyway.

I would tell her unless she starts to contribute to finacially to the house hold you will have no other option that to divorce her, Plain and simple .

Children should always come first !

Im sorry your in this hellish situation but children always comes first , no matter what !

Oh geez, I'm so sorry. Wow... that's just... unbelievable. I'm also having trouble wrapping my head around a woman who would let her own kids suffer and go hungry to send money back to her parents. What the heck?

And, I know money is impossibly tight right now... if there's anyway you can get some support (counseling, therapy, heck - the free employee assistance line at work, if you have it?) - I think that might be helpful. Not just to help with your depression (and of course you're depressed, that situation would leave ANYONE exhausted and depressed), but to help you better understand what's going on with your wife and how to deal with it. I just wonder if she has some mental issues... because her behavior doesn't really make any kind of sense.

Oh, and I don't know if it will be helpful, but you might want to start documenting what's happening, in case of a divorce. The way you've described it, I'd be *horrified* if a judge granted her custody and asked you to pay child support, but stranger things have happened... I'm wondering if you can document some of this... if maybe that would help your (potential) case? Ugh... I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this though, instead of having a loving partner that supports you and your family... (((rdhick)))

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I'm deadly serious about money. Just not a topic I would bend on. If you cannot afford her sending money home, leave her. Let her find some other victim. It's better for the kids to live a calmer financially stable life than to deal with this.

In some Muslim cultures, any income a woman earns is 100% hers. The husband bears the burden of supporting the family 100%. I wonder if that was how your wife was brought up? That kind of lifestyle doesn't work very well here, where most families need two incomes to get by.

Are there any non-essential bills you could stop paying, like cable? If not, what about letting your electricity or water get cut off? Would she pay the bill on her own if the power was turned off or if you stopped buying food entirely? If you own a house, could you put it up for sale and tell her that you are going to have to downsize to a studio apartment since she won't pull her own weight? Maybe all of these are bad ideas - I hope you can shake her out of her woeful financial management.