[Big Mama]

Hey guys. I know you all most likely get tired of hearing from me, and think Do something already. But I am "Stuck" mentally yet again .


I cannot decide what to do. It drives me crazy. I set and wonder am I doing the right thing. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is really bad.

Right now things are good. My H is being fairly understanding. Things are calm in his life. We found a pastor at our church, he is head of a committee which has just fulfilled all its obligations and won’t pose a problem for another year. So he is calmer because he doesn't have so much on his plate. That makes him less spastic mentally. And if he is well mentally then I am too. It is when he is not so well and things are not calm that I wonder if what I am doing is misguided.

For right now I see him at church, he is so happy and things are going his way. I am proud of him for being the Christian that he is. He is setting stuff right at work. He feels good about that.

What am I doing? I am planning on crushing his world. We got a new pastor, what is he gonna think of us, what is he gonna think of the Great Deacon in his church? (Oh my God, it just dawned on me, it is not up to me , My H has portrayed that we have the perfect life, and we don’t, it is gonna look bad on him because he willingly misled others to believe this to be true) Ahhhhhhhh. That is even worse. Now I feel guilty because of me people are gonna find out he lied, and I was his accomplice. He is going to have to give up being deacon, he is gonna have to explain to his family what is going n, his business partner, our church family, I am going to have to explain to my family. All of this because I can’t deal with his crap when it is bad. Does that make me bad? Does that make me wrong, I sure feel wrong? I feel guilty as hell. He has no idea. He has to know things are not great. He has to know from the disconnect between us that things are not good. He has to be able to see that.

Still I look around me and I see things going good, I see a great Christian man, a successful business owner. I get to stay at home, he goes to work. I have all my needs met. The electricity is on, we are well fed, and he pays for the internet and phone. If I have a need come up he makes the financial provisions to meet that need. He keeps me in a nice house and a nice new car. It cost me nothing. (well not nothing, but nothing financially) I am thinking about walking away from that. Am I crazy, who walks away from that?

Hummmm, it does cost me though. I belong to him. He has full ownership over me. He has full control and power. I do what he says and ask no questions. He gets the right to have the ultimate say. When things are not going his way, he belittles, he gripes, nothing is ever good enough. He is rude, he is cold and calculated. He gives the impression that his aim is to harm mentally. I can’t take it. I can’t take the rude statements, the cold and calculated words. How can I love a man who can say such horrible things? How can I live in a relationship knowing that my happiness is pending? It hinges on his happiness. If he has a bad day he will make sure we all have a bad day to.

My children, our children, they fear him and they hate being belittled by him. It is not fair to them to have him always putting them down, and requesting things that they cannot deliver. His expectations are unrealistic. Yet I still feel guilty for leaving. Sometimes the kids like him. But when he is hard to get along with it is not good for them. He can treat me poorly and I am an adult, but the kids, they shouldn’t have to deal with that. When he is in a foul mood one kid hides, the other kid stays out of his way. The little one is too small to know the difference, but I think she feels like she is in the way. What kind of mother am I? I have failed my kids. I let this man treat them poorly, but on the other hand, they are kids and they can be brats. One kid does have a lazy streak, and one is spoiled, as he would say. So I’m not saying he is completely wrong, but god he can be so over the top.

I can’t believe I still can’t see what I need to do and have a peace with it. We need to separate or divorce. This is more then I can take sometimes. I want it to be over I want my life back. I don’t want to be owned. I want to be shared. I want to Share me with him, not give myself to him completely to do with as he pleases. I don’t understand what is so difficult. I don’t get why I feel so guilty, why I am struggling with this. It is a no brainer, yet here I am torn afraid to walk away. I try to rationalize. I try to weigh the pros and cons. I see the cons and they are huge. They impact me and my children. So why can’t I do this. Why can’t I take a step out on faith that this will work if I leave. Why am I paralyzed with fear to make a change? I just don’t understand.

I'm just stuck and can't seem to pull myself out of this confusing hole. I am looking for words of support, or words of wisdom or questions to think about.

[Trippin2.0]

My heart bleeds for you BM, to see that you're still struggling with this decision.


IMO, you're putting way too much emphasis on what others will think or say and your role in the opinions they will ultimately formulate.


It doesn't matter what others think of you, I would worry more about what God thinks of me if I were you.


You are not this man's accomplice, in your own words, you are his property, so you behaved in the manner that was expected of you or you would have to face the consequences. So what if people realize your marriage was unhappy, abusive, a lie?


How does them knowing this affect you in reality?


It doesn't.


Your life still goes on regardless of their opinions.


I would hate to see you sentence yourself and your precious children to lifetime imprisonment out of fear of the unknown world beyond your prison walls...


That's a sad reality for you and an even sadder one for your kids.


Also, Your husband is not a "Good Christian man" please stop trying to convince yourself that he is.


If sitting in a church, ACTING like a Christian makes someone a good Christian, then sitting in our garage making engine noises makes me a Ferrari.


Your husband is a master manipulator, he puts on his Christian hat when it suites him, when it serves a purpose,to keep up appearances and have his ego stroked.


A good Christian man will treat you right all of the time, not some of the time when he's in the right mood or when he has something to gain.


A good Christian man won't treat his wife like a piece of property, he wont abuse his wife and scare his kids shytless.


A good Christian man would strive to be Christ-like, ask himself WWJD and try to emulate His behaviors to the best of his ability.


No, your husband is certainly NOT a good Christian man, regardless of the title he's received from his church!

[~Christina]

I think Trippin covered it all .. I can think of a thing to add...

[Big Mama]

Trippin thank you so much for the reality check. That is what I need to keep me going. I need to step outside of my own personal stuff to see the reality. Right now I am struggling to do that. Thank you for you honesty.

[lilypup]

Trippin did cover it all. I'm a Christian but no expert. I think this guy is WAY far from what God intended a husband to be.

[Trippin2.0]

You're most welcome BM, especially since you're one of the few people who actually appreciate my reality checks😉


PM me anytime you wanna hash this out with an objective outsider

[david12345]

Your husband sounds like a psychopath. If he is indeed a psychopath he probably knows about your discomfort and he would have everything planned out, I would be careful here.

[NWgirl2013]

Is your H the sort of man that could/would go to a counselor, not a church member of course, someone outside your normal world? Would he do it under the guise of helping you or the kids? Then perhaps his anger issues could just, ya know, come up?
Just wondering.
I feel for you. I used to be part of that world in a big way...in a former life. I was a pretty fish in a bowl... our life always on display. That is the part that was good. No one acts out when others are around. I entertained a lot, it was good protection...

I really understand how hard it feels to leave the security, for you & your kids. But it is also hard to protect kids from an ill tempered man. They can be guided by you to understand it is His problem, not them, never them. Boosting them up, pulling your kids closer to you when (figuratively) the storm comes, being that safe place for them will give all of you strength. I read a book with my kids at a difficult time called, A Purpose Driven Life, the kids version. We all gained a lot of strength from it.
Until you decide what will be best, I will keep you in prayer.

[Big Mama]

Just an update: I had T today and gave her a copy of the thread I made here. She had a lot of valuable insight. Her answer was.... That I know right from wrong. I know this marriage is not right. I know I can undo a lot of the damage done to the children. (alot, not all) because I have so far. How my H treats me is not right. Where I struggle is that we all do wrong and no one is perfect. So the question doesn't need to be... Is this right or wrong, the question needs to be, do I want to live like this forever, and do I want to continue to do damage control when it comes to the kids. It is not a right or wrong it's what am I willing to live with.

That made me feel so much better. The answer is so much more clear now. In the coming weeks while I wait patiently for the right opportunity. I will be setting the ground work for what is to come. I will not allow him to think things are great. I need to express my displeasure even if it is in the minor and small scale way that I do (in the face of fear) He will be pissed in the end, but what I can change is just how pissed. Is it going to be a LIVID pissed off because he never saw coming, or will it be a mad pissed because I am doing this and he knew I was minorly unhappy, or will it be a pissed because he didn't change or couldn't change. That makes it pissed at him self eventually (in hind sight) That is what the ultimate goal is.

[Trippin2.0]

What your T says reminds me of a profound lesson my dearly departed brother taught me at the tender age of 18...


"Life isn't always about doing what's right or wrong, sometimes its about doing what's best..."

[Big Mama]

Very true, I like that.