[Yismymindblank12]

I hope to see my therapist. I'm really sick of everything, I can't keep this face up.

I'm going crazy, do I have nothing to live for other than getting laid and just wasting my time wanting an adventure that won't happen. I am sick of being stuck in my own head and reality, feeling like ****. Feeling like I am not getting anything out of life, why does hard work is so encouraged, but under appreciated. I should just ****ing stop bothering with everyone. I just want to run away from home take a car and get out of society. I won't carry a cell phone nothing except a knife and living off the land. I hate people, I hate being a guy. I hate interaction and expected to do so much exhausting ****. I am sick of people just starting so much ****, get all the support in the world. I'm messed up as you get, I am depressed, because people are boring they piss me off I feel I don't belong here.

I just want a vagina a hot lesbian gf and my life full of adventure, but deep down. I'm stuck in this fantasy that isn't real. I hate being what everyone expects me to be, I tell them to piss off, I am so sick of girls expecting me to go out my way as a guy. I hate this society and it's superficiality and lack of convenient anything. Like WTF??!?!?! I don't know how anyone can cope being alive, I have no patience. I'm fed up of being alive working hard to die young and poor. Does even wanting anything matter to me or to anyone?

I am not going to be happy rich or poor, having lots of sex or not. Exist or not, I don't what to do what to think. I'm not even suicidal, I don't even care. At this point, I have hit a lower point than wanting to die, I just want to die slowly and miserable. It's probably a normal human reaction to a lot of life trauma and stress, I'm so sick of it. I hate forcing myself to suck it up and kissing so much ***. I am not like that, but I have to just get nice things.

I don't want even want this body it's going to waste. My confidence was not here altogether, I have no self confidence being a male. As a woman, it would sky rocket, I am not afraid what other people think of me. I'm going mad, because people are insane by being so keen on magnifying hell for others, because people don't have a heart.

All I care about is being alone, girls are the least of my worry, but why do I want to be close to a female, why do I want sex all the time other than being a horny young adult. Why do I even bother worrying about this **** when rationally I don't care. I'm unhappy even with life success. It's not fixing my problems, if I got famous it will blow up in my face and I'll die publicly because all these people after I would die would be confused why I did it after it's too late. When I made it obvious for so many years, I am miserable, because I am alone I am used to it, I hate being me. I hate my looks, I hate my life I hate the girls I attract. I hate everything that I did or didn't appreciate. It just doesn't make sense why is this even matter. Why people even care, I don't belong on this planet, because I don't care. Not indifferent to life, but I don't care what people consider so important.

I don't know what to feel, I am done. It feels like, nothing is getting better. Despite my efforts and I'm just waiting for something to happen or my body dies naturally so no one can make an issue. I'm afraid of telling these thoughts, because people are so ****ing quick to call the cops or hospital people. I don't want it, it will aggravate me and make me want to do that to avoid the hospital. I'm not depressed and then again I am. I don't want to die now, I want to die slowly in a masochistic way, because the lack of appreciation of the people in my life show.

[bluekoi]

yismymindblank12, I hope your therapist can give you some positive suggestions. Sounds like you are in a rut. It's hard to get out, but with a strong will and help from your therapist you can do it.

[Yismymindblank12]

I just met about that, I found out insurance wouldn't cover anything, but they did cover some of it. So apparently this whole time we don't know who was covering my few appointment copays, I had the insurance say like we never covered any of it. It's so confusing, I hate Anthem they suck. I am hoping my mom gets hired on not as a contractor at her job so I can see my therapist with better insurance regularly. This has happened because my mom doesn't work for an insurance/pharmacutical co. anymore. I know I spelled that wrong, but you know what I'm saying.

[Yismymindblank12]

My disability and vocational rehab for my state to help me on this is willing to help me with a lot now, but it's horrible as of now. Things have been tough financially very very tough at times. It's getting somewhat better, but it's like my life is becoming much more spontaneous with a lot of crap in between. I mean yeah It makes me mad a lot, and I'm pissed deep down about everything, I just choose not to be in front of people. When I'm actually happy and relaxed when I am feeling I'm making a connection to a close friend male or female, and people I like and want to date. I like this girl now, who came over the last weekend, she made me so happy just because she is so classy. Not "Classy" as in say they are and be very trashy. No this girl is what I like exactly, she's been my good close friend online for a year, but now I'm finally able to see her more she came over last week for the first time. She was very beautiful, my height, she is the very first girl that had long hair as hers. She's different and her flaws and good sides are just the way I like. It was better in person than online. She lives an hour away, but is moving to my old neighborhood where I grew up most of my life, many years ago.

I really want this relationship to grow, because I don't want to fall in love because what everyone else does. I want to feel it exactly text book, I want to know what it's like for real not all this ******** and garbage people spew up all the time. See I can have the confidence and talk to girls no problem a lot of the times, but my main issue is intimacy and things with me. I am learning by touching someone and being comfortable. It's not that I act awkward intentionally. It makes me sad or depressed when I do be flirtatious, because it doesn't feel right as a guy, I want to be a woman doing this. At the same time, I'm sad, because I don't like doing superficial things to get to know someone for it to be fun and exciting. Professional yes, but being superficial is so awkward to anyone especially me. I just won't talk to you, not that I'm scared, I just don't want to bother and I want to be left alone I get very moody.

She came over we compared our hip bones, because I told her I was supposed to be a girl, but came out a boy with some girly parts. Including my bone structure and brain, recently after puberty my male side has dominated my female side which I am very glad it did, but after she saw mine compared to hers, she's like damn you have female hip bones. I mean if I was a skeleton and archeologists found my body next to another woman. They would think we are both girls.
I'm telling you it's crazy. I found out after I was supposed to be a twin too. You know how much happier I'd be if I had all my girl parts, looked gorgeous and had another sister identical to me. It would be like the best thing ever!

[bluekoi]

Yismymindblank12, My best to you. It's exciting your friend in moving closer!

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm always attracted to women, I just know I could be way more romantic comfortably faster and much more confident if I had a female body to go with. I don't mind spending time on my looks. I don't want surgery or to transition. I'm ok being a guy and having sex with guy parts. It would be nice to have sex and be in a relationship with a woman as a woman for me, very very nice! The thing is also, I'm not picky on looks as I thought I was and not so much on personality. I find the things I like about an individual than the comparison to being like everyone else I may think I like. This girl is awesome, because she can make me laugh and actually be funny. She enjoys my company when I lay my head on her lap. We were just friends, but I had no problem amping it up to a romantic thing, because I was comfortable and I really wanted to. So I went for it, I like to be playful, I feel as a woman, I'd be more playful and much more seductive than as a guy. It's awkward, because I don't look the part, but if I was what I think I want to look like. Omg, I'd be hit up by guys and girls all the time, and people would assume I'm a slut, but I don't care. I don't shame anyone for sleeping around with a bunch of people, because it's a choice. I'd rather date a girl who has slept around and understands sex than be the awkward one about it any day. She enjoyed me how I was being playful. I was licking her and she was back and it became a game before we got really crazy, but we didn't have sex, because she doesn't have sex on the first date. I completely respected that and I liked her more because of that, it's something I learned I hated from before. She didn't do it because of me she did it, because it's her choice. I like that a lot about her. It makes me love her as a person and give her respect she deserves.
I am not head over heels yet, but I'm very close to it. I have to hold back and keep my logical part in me still. I know I have a female brain, because of my behavior and how I think to situations. It's very articulate precise, intuitive, on point, not always logical, but I hate explaining it to other women, because I don't want to sound imposing when I'm a relating in an unnatural way. I mean I can have sex for intimacy and love, because it's how I work mixed with just wanting sex. I am saying a lot of people are different I realized my brain is more than living proof that women and men are just people their is no binary about them. I don't understand why we have to divide people instead of saying we love people because we are people. I came out saying publicly a bit, that I'm bi curious technically. Yes I maybe interesting in the future, but as of now no. I had sex with men, but I didn't like it as I thought I would. Tbh, I like women more, but I'm saying I'm bi curious, because if I was a woman, it would be considered straight, but I'd want sex from men as a woman than as a man. I'd also be lesbian or I mean bi sexual.

My relationships would be so complicated, because I am out of the norm for a lot of people I am around. I don't think I'd be ready to settle down with anyone, or have children at all for another ten years at the most. In honesty, I'd rather not have kids period or be married. I don't want to be single all my life, but I won't be married till I'm old and I won't be having kids probably till then too. I might have to adopt, because the person I may marry won't be able to have kids.
Personally, I won't ever put a ring on any girl, I'd rather not to. I find it completely not practical at all except for money reasons which makes it less practical for my reasons wanting to. Love to me isn't defined to money or who has a better stuff and who doesn't. I don't believe that matters at all, I don't meet girls with that kind of appreciation very narrow minded men and women around my age expect things to be like this or that or we got nothing. I want, I want, I want, me me me, that's all mine not yours attitude. This girl doesn't seem like that, but we'll see. She knows I like competition, so if I try to one up her I want her to one up me back and keep it going it's fun. I find it hot when girls do that, not sit on their butt all the time expecting the world to come to them.
Independent minded, and mindful women are my biggest turn on. So far she likes it a lot and I know it would kick off. It was one of the most romantic nights I had in along time. I hope it gets better and I get to see her soon. See don't get completely the wrong impression, because this is another side of the coin. Like I have lots of good things, but I can't vent the stuff that bothers me. I'm not able to or allowed to where I live and who I talk to except my therapist. So I can be normal easy and well mannered no problem.
Things are really rough, and I'm lonely because I want more quality relationships that feel and are lively and lasting above all. The girl I had over is doing that for me since we've been friends a year ago after another girl I liked led me on. I hope it will be a positive experience.