[shibbyshan]

First off i apologies for how long this post is, but i feel it necessary to include all the info. I had a guy friend that i met online 7 years ago. I lived abroad and was interested in moving to the USA where i now live. I messaged people on a forum about the area i wanted to move to and just happened to get talking to this one guy. I asked him about colleges, things to do, places to live etc...and we ended up staying in touch. We talked for about a year every day, and sometimes we had very deep conversations. We had the same taste in music, humor, and take on life. He also had a gf he was on and off with who seemed to really love, but she kept breaking it off and then was back on with him again, and he opened up about that and how much he loved her and felt he was being jerked around.

I then moved to the USA finally and he would call daily, text all the time and seemed very interested in me. We kept saying we should meet up, but he was away at college, and then he eventually started dating someone and we lost touch. We got back in touch again recently after a few years via Facebook, and discussed how we always felt a connection with each other and found each other attractive from pictures etc. We started talking and flirting, and when i said i liked him more than just a hook up he said he couldn’t see us ending up together, but he liked our friendship and was sexually attracted to me.

He then went pretty silent for a week or so, and i said to him okay lets do a no strings attached thing. He was soon to be moving to another town, and i am at a weird point in my life right now, and wondered if something casual may be enough for me. He came back the next day talking to me, and we started being really suggestive, and said about meeting up to do this. After about 3 days of this, he started to go longer between msgs and i could tell something was up, so we went a whole day without contact, and then i text him and said are you ok and he said yeah just a bad day talk tomorrow, and i got annoyed and said you lead me on and then go silent, and when i reach out i get cut off instantly, do you even care about this friendship, and he said he really does care, but he doesn’t want to be a slut and told me how he had a bad day at work and has family stuff going on.

So i feel like we had a pretty good convo and he opened up to me and i said we could always just meet and hang out and if anything happens it happens, and if not then we can just be friends, and he said he liked the idea of that a lot. Then randomly he stops texting me. I didn’t really get how he randomly would go silent and distant, sometimes go days without talking to me, but said he cared and wanted to hang, but never suggested a day.

So i text him and said i was getting tired of being led on, and he said he wanted to meet before but feels smothered by me and would text me later becoz he was busy at work... and that was Tuesday afternoon. I said in the message if you want me to never contact you again just say and i never will and he said no i seriously don't want that.

I have noticed through some apps that we use that shows who you are sending pictures and stuff to that he is talking to other girls, so i guess he may be playing the field as far as sex goes, so i wonder why he told me he didn't want to be a slut and decided against sex with me, but to be honest i think it is better this way than going through with it and maybe never hearing from him again, as this would hurt me more. I also have never had just a random hook up with someone, so i felt pretty uncomfortable at the thought of actually going through with it.

I feel very ashamed right now. I offered myself sexually as i thought it may make him interested and we could end up together. Obviously, we all know that 9 times out of 10 this never happens, and it is just false hope. I don't feel he has led me on in terms of wanting a relationship with me, as he was pretty clear he didn't see one, but he went from saying he wanted me (assumed he meant sexually), to saying he wanted to just meet up and see how things went, to saying he feels smothered in a 72 hour period.

I wish i would of suppressed my feelings towards him and just remained friends because i love talking to him and feel with everything that has happened now we can't really go back. I would be willing to, but he doesn't seem to be seems it has been 5 days. I don't know if this is a fantasy i have created in my own mind seems we have never met and so he may seem mysterious to me in some way, but i have sexual fantasies about him every day. I think about him all the time.

I took the initiative after 5 days of silence and asked him if he still wanted to be friends, and if not then i guess we should stop talking. I was hoping he had maybe just felt i was a little intense but cared enough about the friendship to come back and say i want to be friends but just need space, or something to that extent, and he never responded. I really don't understand people and i am feeling very hurt right now. Why would someone be upfront about a lot of things, but not be upfront about not wanting to talk to you anymore, and tell you they don't want to stop talking?

At the beginning when we used to just talk and i loved that and sharing our common interests. I always thought he was attractive, but i wasn't living in the US, and he had a girlfriend so i guess i didn't ever have the thought of us ever being together, and now i feel i have ruined it. We were still Facebook friends, and yesterday i finally deleted him off my friends. It was hard seeing pictures and Facebook status updates which made me think of him more and more and frustrate me more in what he is thinking and why he has acted the way he has. I really believed he cared about our friendship because of how we used to talk back then, but now i feel like we have 0 chance of ever meeting and having a friendship, and i don't know why he is acting so cold. I am having a hard time just moving on from this, and part of me really regrets unfriending him because the last bit of hope i had that we could still connect as friends, has gone.

Also i would like to say that i do know someone who knows this guy, so it is not like he isn't who he says he is. I know a lot of people online can lie, but it isn''t like he is married with kids or anything. I just don't know what to do. I still really want us to connect again. I have never had such a connection with someone in terms of interests/personality/humor. What do you all think happened?

[Gleak]

It's great that you felt a connection with him and that you enjoyed your talks. Maybe he got the feeling that you're looking for something more than he is/was looking for?

It sounds to me like you made an emotional connection with him. I don't know this person and I can't speak for him but if I had to make a deduction I would look at the situation.

He's young and in college - When I was in my early to mid twenties, I was more focused on going out and having some fun be it at a party or bar, enjoy the moment and wake up looking for the next moment to enjoy.

The way that it seems is you let on to him that there is an emotional tie and this probably freaked him out as younger men are more or less living for the heat of the moment without an attachment.

I can't say that this is absolutely what's happening here - I may be way off base, but it does seem that the two of you had different end games.

Perhaps you can try to reconnect with him by apologizing for deleting him as a friend from FB and offer to meet up w/him to just have some fun (i'm sure theres something you two have discussed that you can both enjoy doing).

It's easier to just click that delete link but once you're in person and talking face to face he may see what he's missing out on.

[shibbyshan]

Thank you for the reply. He is no longer in college, but was when we first started talking, he is now late 20's. I feel like at this point i have blown it because every angle i have come at with contact he ignores. It just hurts me he pretended to care about our friendship, because clearly he doesn't. I don't know why he lied about caring.

[~Christina]

This situation seems to happen more and more often with Social media and bumping into people from all over the world. I mean in many ways its great , I have friends all over the world that I would have never met otherwise. But it comes with possible complications of course.

Its often easy to talk to people because hey ! chances are you wont ever meet them so why not just be YOU .

After reading your Thread I think you just wanted more than he did , maybe he was seeing a bunch of girls? he would flake on your for some days? leaving you hanging and waiting, But he did tell you he felt like he was being smothered ... that is a huge deal. At least he did tell you how he felt. So you really do know a little "why" he did what he has done, at least something to consider.

I understand your hurt,pain and confusion .. its a normal response. You put yourself out there and he wasn't wanting to get involved. I do think its wise that you and him don't talk. Its hard to get over being "turned down" so why torture yourself by staying in contact ? Blocking his Facebook was the smartest thing to do.

Allow yourself to grieve this loss and reflect on your actions and feelings towards him and how maybe in the future you will not invest so much of yourself into a relationship with someone you have not met or even spent much time someone.. It takes time to know a person in "real life"

Im sorry this has happened to you... I always look at a break up good or bad , You can always learn something from it, to help you with your next relationship.

Welcome to PC

[shibbyshan]

Thanks for the feedback. I am just upset he lied and said he wanted to remain friends only to ignore me ever since saying that. It seems very cruel and twisted to play mind games like that. I would rather he just said yes i don't want to stay friends. I am not sure why he would lie if he felt bad, only to ignore me anyway.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

This situation seems to happen more and more often with Social media and bumping into people from all over the world. I mean in many ways its great , I have friends all over the world that I would have never met otherwise. But it comes with possible complications of course.

Its often easy to talk to people because hey ! chances are you wont ever meet them so why not just be YOU .

After reading your Thread I think you just wanted more than he did , maybe he was seeing a bunch of girls? he would flake on your for some days? leaving you hanging and waiting, But he did tell you he felt like he was being smothered ... that is a huge deal. At least he did tell you how he felt. So you really do know a little "why" he did what he has done, at least something to consider.

I understand your hurt,pain and confusion .. its a normal response. You put yourself out there and he wasn't wanting to get involved. I do think its wise that you and him don't talk. Its hard to get over being "turned down" so why torture yourself by staying in contact ? Blocking his Facebook was the smartest thing to do.

Allow yourself to grieve this loss and reflect on your actions and feelings towards him and how maybe in the future you will not invest so much of yourself into a relationship with someone you have not met or even spent much time someone.. It takes time to know a person in "real life"

Im sorry this has happened to you... I always look at a break up good or bad , You can always learn something from it, to help you with your next relationship.

Welcome to PC

[~Christina]

I would imagine he took the "easy way out" ..

Alot of people have a hard time just saying "No I dont think we should talk anymore" to another person in a situation like this.

Yes it will feel cruel, I'm sorry.

[shibbyshan]

Probably safe to say i won't hear from him again? Lol

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I would imagine he took the "easy way out" ..

Alot of people have a hard time just saying "No I dont think we should talk anymore" to another person in a situation like this.

Yes it will feel cruel, I'm sorry.

[Sojourn]

Hi shibby,

I am sorry to hear about all of the distress you are going through right now. Unfortunately most relationships are often riddled with assumptions and miscommunications. It makes it difficult to understand one another for sure.

It is true that silence can mean disinterest but it can also be indicative of indecision. Sometimes people have a difficult time understanding their feelings and expressing themselves during that process so they may simply remain silent because of internal uncertainty. Only time will clarify how he really feels about everything.

There's a few things that stood out to me. First off, you have known this guy for several years now and at times it seems your relationship has been a close one with daily communication. There have been times when you have even talked intimately. That is significant because your relationship has continued over time and distance. Obviously, there is a closeness between both of you. Whether that relationship is a close friendship, a casual friendship, or a romantic one is the part that is difficult to navigate for both of you. There are pros and cons to all of those levels of connection. I have a feeling he isn't sure what he truly wants from his relationship with you but I think he does want to keep you in his life or else things may have dissolved long before now. As for you, it looks like you are leaning more towards more than friendship. That is where I see the conflict - you are becoming more sure about what you want while he is still struggling to figure himself out.

Keep in mind, we all change over time. Both of you are different than you were when you first met. Your circumstances are different and your goals are changing according to where you are in life. He mentioned that he had a bad day and was having some family issues at one point recently. There is the possibility he is dealing with stressors in his life that he has not shared with you and that could cause him to hesitate to commit to anything. Depression and anxiety are often purposely hidden from others but can become manifest in a resistance to get close to others.

There are many things that can be happening here because people are complicated and often don't understand themselves especially when it comes to relationships. You have communicated quite clearly that you want to at least remain friends and are willing to be closer to him. The ball is in his court now and he has to figure out if he is willing to lose you because he does not know how to clearly communicate his feelings about your relationship. I honestly feel he is struggling with all of this and he knows the stakes. I hope he makes the right decision and reaches out to you. In the meantime, cherish what you have had up to this point because long-term friendships are precious even if they do not last forever. Hang in there, you're going to be fine no matter how things turn out. If you should ever need to talk, feel free to message me. I have seen many a close friendship drift apart over time so I have some understanding about all of this. Take care.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shibbyshan

I feel very ashamed right now. I offered myself sexually as i thought it may make him interested and we could end up together. Obviously, we all know that 9 times out of 10 this never happens, and it is just false hope. I don't feel he has led me on in terms of wanting a relationship with me, as he was pretty clear he didn't see one, but he went from saying he wanted me (assumed he meant sexually), to saying he wanted to just meet up and see how things went, to saying he feels smothered in a 72 hour period.

I do not understand why you would feel ashamed. You did not hurt anybody or something. You might feel the sting of being rejected and you might feel embarrassed having found yourself in your situation, and both the hurt of rejection and the embarrassment from offering yourself sexually and not being taken are understandable, but feeling SHAME over this is completely uncalled for. Maybe if you bring your emotional reaction in line with reality, you would process the hurt faster and actually move on. Feeling shame is a grossly exaggerated reaction to what happened. It leads me to ask whether you have a lot of friends in RL.