[seawhale]

No one can deny that trying to date a girl on Facebook or any other social network or even in real life with the attitude of being an obtrusive person who inserts his nose in other girl's personal life - will most probably ends that she will ignore you disregarding your look and what you are going to say.

Indeed, being creepy or stalker will makes her avoids you or ignore you, just feelings of disrespect will be formed towards you.

BUT I am quit sure that you can take this approach with minimum losses, and you can succeed in dating her, just to write to her in a respectful way mixed with funny words and sense of humor can do it.

Anyone agrees?

[A Red Panda]

I'm not quite sure what you're saying due to the language you've used, so I may mistake the meaning.

You cannot be creepy or a stalker and be successful in dating someone. If the other person finds you creepy or considers you to be a stalker, then it means that they do not enjoy contact with you and wish that you would stop. Being considered to be creepy or a stalker is not respectful.

If someone appreciates the attention you give her, then she will not consider you creepy. She'll welcome the conversation.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I'm not quite sure what you're saying due to the language you've used, so I may mistake the meaning.

You cannot be creepy or a stalker and be successful in dating someone. If the other person finds you creepy or considers you to be a stalker, then it means that they do not enjoy contact with you and wish that you would stop. Being considered to be creepy or a stalker is not respectful.

If someone appreciates the attention you give her, then she will not consider you creepy. She'll welcome the conversation.

You understood me correctly.

I am somewhat ok with what you mentioned, except for the last paragraph which contradicts with the rest of your statement.

Let us agree that, basically talking to a girl you don't know is obtrusive and creepy. So how can't she consider me as a creepy person while I don't know her? How does she appreciate my attention while I don't know her and stalking her?

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by seawhale

No one can deny that trying to date a girl on Facebook or any other social network or even in real life with the attitude of being an obtrusive person who inserts his nose in other girl's personal life - will most probably ends that she will ignore you disregarding your look and what you are going to say.

Indeed, being creepy or stalker will makes her avoids you or ignore you, just feelings of disrespect will be formed towards you.

BUT I am quit sure that you can take this approach with minimum losses, and you can succeed in dating her, just to write to her in a respectful way mixed with funny words and sense of humor can do it.

Anyone agrees?

The possible and considerable losses would be to your time, energy, and spirit. The more one-sided conversation you're conducting, the harder it's going to be on you, and potentially quite unhealthy.

[seawhale]

Vonmoxie,

You are definitely correct, and this applies specially to online dating, in real life I believe everything differs.

Good luck

[A Red Panda]

Just messaging someone new doesn't make it creepy or stalkerish. It's when the person expresses a disinterest that it becomes creepy.

So, if you message someone you don't know and they respond and enojy things, then they obviously don't consider it creepy. If they try to not reply or are uncomfortable and try to stop things, then they would be finding the other person creepy or stalkerish...

[ChipperMonkey]

I am completely lost on the sentiment that a guy simply talking to a girl he doesn't know online is creepy.... Are you aware of how many relationships start online? And I don't just mean the ones where two people are actively looking for someone on a dating website.

If you are interested, then I say go for it. If you get no response or a negative response, then move on.

[Can't Stop Crying]

stalk verb : to follow (an animal or person that you are hunting or trying to capture) by moving slowly and quietly
: to follow, watch, and bother (someone) constantly in a way that is frightening, dangerous, etc.

creepy adjective : strange or scary : causing people to feel nervous and afraid

by virtue of definition, stalking and creepy are not positive attributes.

there is no harm in expressing interest in an individual whether met online or irl....the extent of the pursuit in an uninterested party is where the moral and possibly legal consequences begin to accrue.

If you get no response or a negative response, then move on.

this is a critical distinction!

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Just messaging someone new doesn't make it creepy or stalkerish. It's when the person expresses a disinterest that it becomes creepy.

So, if you message someone you don't know and they respond and enojy things, then they obviously don't consider it creepy. If they try to not reply or are uncomfortable and try to stop things, then they would be finding the other person creepy or stalkerish...

Thanks for your clarification, I definitely agree with your point of view.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I am completely lost on the sentiment that a guy simply talking to a girl he doesn't know online is creepy.... Are you aware of how many relationships start online? And I don't just mean the ones where two people are actively looking for someone on a dating website.

If you are interested, then I say go for it. If you get no response or a negative response, then move on.

I agree with "A Red Panda" regarding this point, you will not appear as a stalker from the first moment, unless she ignored you. I see also that it depends on the personality of the girl, culture and life style.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

stalk verb : to follow (an animal or person that you are hunting or trying to capture) by moving slowly and quietly
: to follow, watch, and bother (someone) constantly in a way that is frightening, dangerous, etc.

creepy adjective : strange or scary : causing people to feel nervous and afraid

by virtue of definition, stalking and creepy are not positive attributes.

there is no harm in expressing interest in an individual whether met online or irl....the extent of the pursuit in an uninterested party is where the moral and possibly legal consequences begin to accrue.

this is a critical distinction!

Perfect reply, please I need your opinion in my forthcoming separate reply.

[hamster-bamster]

I can tell you from a woman's POV how it feels when you are messaged on FB by men you do not know. Of course this is just one opinion.

1) if a man chooses uniquely fitting words that manifest that he has read the woman's posts or looked at her pictures and has developed a genuine interest in her, such attention is very welcome

2) if a man uses corny expressions and it is clear that he does not read her posts, she blocks him.

[seawhale]

There are some general points to consider.

First point, I heard before through an international professional psychology professor that, if someone is going to kill you, harm you by anyway, and you succeeded to make him/her laugh he will not continue his attempt. This is a psychological certainty.
same goes in dating, even if this girl considered you creepy and stalker person from the first moment and you succeeded in making her laugh, most probably she will be attracted to you and your mission will be somehow easier.

Second point, your chance in dating a girl you don't know on a social network like Facebook substantially increases by one of two points, your look and your popularity, even popularity has more impact than your look, for instance if you tried to date a girl on Facebook and she opened your profile picture and found hundreds of likes and comments, I believe that everything will be going on well.
yes this is shallow and superficial but she doesn't know you, so she should have to find something to be attracted to you, otherwise she will not react.

do you agree?

[hamster-bamster]

the point about laughing is endearing.

I disagree with the popularity point.

[Can't Stop Crying]

i am a firm believer in the "dis-inhibition" factor when it comes to all forms of social media, the identity we present from behind the safety of our computer screen may or may not be an accurate depiction of our actual selves.

same goes in dating, even if this girl considered you creepy and stalker person from the first moment and you succeeded in making her laugh, most probably she will be attracted to you and your mission will be somehow easier.

first impressions are hard to shake, if i found someone creepy or exhibiting stalking behaviors, i would do everything in my power to avoid future contact with this person. in the virtual world, it is far too easy to block or ignore someone so the only flaw i find in this theory is that you will not have an opportunity to "make her laugh". while i understand the thought process behind your theories, i find it hard to believe that is a successful strategy in reality.

your chance in dating a girl you don't know on a social network like Facebook substantially increases by one of two points, your look and your popularity, even popularity has more impact than your look, for instance if you tried to date a girl on Facebook and she opened your profile picture and found hundreds of likes and comments, I believe that everything will be going on well.
yes this is shallow and superficial but she doesn't know you, so she should have to find something to be attracted to you, otherwise she will not react.

agreed - unfortunately, the influx of media in our lives has increased the value of looks and popularity imo. also this brings me back to my original statement, the identity portrayed through social media is not always accurate.

i guess, if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with someone you met through social media, what attracted you to her?

finally, when expressing an interest in a female, irregardless of the venue, tread lightly, present yourself honestly, and go where the path may lead....

relentless pursuing an individual who does not have an interest in you will most likely not turn out well.

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

i am a firm believer in the "dis-inhibition" factor when it comes to all forms of social media, the identity we present from behind the safety of our computer screen may or may not be an accurate depiction of our actual selves.


first impressions are hard to shake, if i found someone creepy or exhibiting stalking behaviors, i would do everything in my power to avoid future contact with this person. in the virtual world, it is far too easy to block or ignore someone so the only flaw i find in this theory is that you will not have an opportunity to "make her laugh". while i understand the thought process behind your theories, i find it hard to believe that is a successful strategy in reality.


agreed - unfortunately, the influx of media in our lives has increased the value of looks and popularity imo. also this brings me back to my original statement, the identity portrayed through social media is not always accurate.

i guess, if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with someone you met through social media, what attracted you to her?

finally, when expressing an interest in a female, irregardless of the venue, tread lightly, present yourself honestly, and go where the path may lead....

relentless pursuing an individual who does not have an interest in you will most likely not turn out well.

I agree with you generally and specially for this "finally, when expressing an interest in a female, irregardless of the venue, tread lightly, present yourself honestly, and go where the path may lead...." being honest and straightforward is very good whether in dating or in general relationships.

I only disagree with you regarding the probable fake identity, I believe that it is not so hard to figure out whether that person appears fake, tricky or a real respectable person, just watching his posts, comments and his interaction with his friends give you a big certain indication and impression, also spotting the same person on other social media websites can help recognizing the truth. I am talking in a generic way, for sure there are always odds.

We see everyday fake people in real life, coworkers, friends...etc so what would you think about the internet, you will never know the real person without getting to know him for a long time and regular interaction, I just say that spotting one person with the same identity and attitude on several social or professional networks may increase the trust.

The topic is so complicated and depends on many factors and circumstances.

[hamster-bamster]

Indeed a consistent identity across social networks may increase the trust.

[hamster-bamster]

If I understand correctly, no stalking can occur until you are told not to contact someone. At least that is a necessary element of the crime of cyber-stalking.

Hence, you are always entitled to one message to an unknown person. If you are told not to message, but disobey, then you are in the stalking realm.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Here's a few brief articles and links about the disinhibition effect...i don't believe a large quantity of people create a completely false identity, more of an embellishment of true characteristics...this also leads to "over-sharing" or intentionally withholding information

our very own DocJohn wrote a brief article about this effect:
Online Disinhibition Effect | Encyclopedia of Psychology

The online disinhibition effect.
While online, some people self-disclose or act out more frequently or intensely than they would in person. This article explores six factors that interact with each other in creating this online disinhibition effect: dissociative anonymity, invisibility, asynchronicity, solipsistic introjection, dissociative imagination, and minimization of authority. Personality variables also will influence the extent of this disinhibition. Rather than thinking of disinhibition as the revealing of an underlying "true self," we can conceptualize it as a shift to a constellation within self-structure, involving clusters of affect and cognition that differ from the in-person constellation.

The online disinhibition effect. [Cyberpsychol Behav. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

the lack of instant feedback from other people’s body language causes all sorts of communication failures online. One of the most common causes of these failures is jokes. Without the accompanying body language, friendly jibes are easily misunderstood and interactions can quickly take a turn for the worse.

The Online Disinhibition Effect ? PsyBlog

so, now that I have thrown your thread way off track...

ultimately, the world is shifting more and more towards virtual relationships...and to get back to your original point...if you are interested in a girl you meet through social media...my best advice would be to start as friends and go from there...just like in real life...coming on too strong can cause her to retreat...

[seawhale]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Here's a few brief articles and links about the disinhibition effect...i don't believe a large quantity of people create a completely false identity, more of an embellishment of true characteristics...this also leads to "over-sharing" or intentionally withholding information

our very own DocJohn wrote a brief article about this effect:
Online Disinhibition Effect | Encyclopedia of Psychology


The online disinhibition effect. [Cyberpsychol Behav. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

The Online Disinhibition Effect ? PsyBlog

so, now that I have thrown your thread way off track...

ultimately, the world is shifting more and more towards virtual relationships...and to get back to your original point...if you are interested in a girl you meet through social media...my best advice would be to start as friends and go from there...just like in real life...coming on too strong can cause her to retreat...

You are so polished, cultured and I see much wise in your words.

Many thanks.

[Can't Stop Crying]

btw...i am by no means a relationship expert....good luck....

[vonmoxie]

I suppose I just think that the same kind of pragmatism that is healthy for all involved in real life personal interactions, is healthy in online communications.

Like, it's better to get to know someone through shared activities (IRL: volunteer programs, common interest groups, etc.; online: interactive gaming, common interest groups, etc.) than to base an interest on a person's apparent social identity, especially a social media identity which is by nature not so much "fake" but simply not the same as who we really are. We don't come across quite that easily, as people; we're all deeper and richer in form than what can be encapsulated that way. So for me, a person reaching out to me with whom I haven't interacted, is approaching their idea of me and not the actual me, so it's not as good of a foundation; and leaves a lot more room for misunderstanding, especially around romantic interest that has been based on only social media impression.

I wouldn't personally base my interest in a person on whether they are popular on Facebook.. which may be because I know people that are "popular on Facebook", even Facebook famous, and it's no indicator of how nice they are or of anything else, except that they use Facebook a lot.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by seawhale

There are some general points to consider.

First point, I heard before through an international professional psychology professor that, if someone is going to kill you, harm you by anyway, and you succeeded to make him/her laugh he will not continue his attempt. This is a psychological certainty.
same goes in dating, even if this girl considered you creepy and stalker person from the first moment and you succeeded in making her laugh, most probably she will be attracted to you and your mission will be somehow easier.

Second point, your chance in dating a girl you don't know on a social network like Facebook substantially increases by one of two points, your look and your popularity, even popularity has more impact than your look, for instance if you tried to date a girl on Facebook and she opened your profile picture and found hundreds of likes and comments, I believe that everything will be going on well.
yes this is shallow and superficial but she doesn't know you, so she should have to find something to be attracted to you, otherwise she will not react.

do you agree?

Making a woman date you isn't a mission....

If someone was to be continuously bothering me, sure, they COULD make me laugh... but it sure won't be making me feel less uncomfortable around them. It might make them seem less two-dimensionally creepy, but it wouldn't make me change my mind about them. I can actually say that with 100% certainty, as it happened. Had a man that I worked with offer to give me lifts home after he saw that I lived near (and walked an hour when the buses weren't running). It didn't take very long before I found things really uncomfortable, but I didn't know how to back out politely - but he was calling me on days off wanting to know what I was doing (he's old enough to be my dad). He even made me laugh a few times during the drives, but overall I was HORRIFIED to be around this person and eventually asked other coworkers to drive me home and pick me up.... So no, his persistence in trying to make me laugh had zero effect.

If someone makes it clear that they are not interested, it is extremely disrespectful to keep pushing.