[Soul_Flower43]

This still bothers me when my husband (who I love very much) looks/stares at sexy images of other women in picture form, or where ever. I try not to let it bother me, but it certainly does.

To be honest on how it really makes me feel inside...

*It hurts like hell
*I feel betrayed
*I feel a BIG worry of abandonment to replace me for that fantasy
*I feel he is turned on more by that image than he is by my image
*It makes me anxious
*It makes me upset
*It makes me want to call him on it
*It makes me go back to those old negative feelings of... You're NOT good enough! You DON'T measure up to those other women he finds desirable!
*I feel depressive feelings

Yes, I feel intense insecurity, when he does that. I don't want to feel this way, but the feelings come on strong automatically, and it really breaks my heart when he does that kind of thing.

Does healthy confident women still get feelings of hurt when their spouses do this, stare at other women's sexy-seductive images? Or is this just coming from women who have insecurities about their self image/worth?

Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Or is this just making me look bad for having these feelings?

I came from a very dysfunctional and abusive home enviroment where I was made to feel worthless and ugly. So the insecurity developed there, and grew over the years of feeling not good enough. I've been working on overcoming many insecurities, but this is one the areas that's hard for me to get past.

I am okay with him looking at beautiful people out and about, but it's this staring and the look on his face of desire for that sexy-seductive women he sees in magazines, or where ever, that bothers me the most.

I see lots of handsome looking men, but it doesn't get to the point of wanting them over him. He is the one I want, not them.

Earlier on in our relationship, my husband had a bad habit of staring at women all the time when we were out together. I found it so rude! I get it, he finds them attractive, but taking the attention away from me and our time together, it made me feel he's not in to me, and in to them. We've been together for 18 years now, and the love for each other is strong, but on my part, the love gets weakened when he behaves like this.

Any helpful supportive comments, thoughts, and advice would greatly be appreciated.

Am I overreacting to something innocent, or is this not healthy for our relationship in what he is doing?

[Rose76]

I think you're reading more into this habit of his than is actually there. One thing you're reading that I will be totally supportive of you in is that he is being rude. I've never felt particularly threatened by is knowing that the man I'm with likes to take in the scenery. However, I expect a man to have enough on the ball to not let me catch him leering after some hot number that passes by us in public. Apparently a lot of man understand that this bothers a woman. I've been amazed at how careful some men I've known have been to not be caught doing this. I'm sure they would be watching intently, if I weren't there, but they seem to go out of their way to act like they don't even see a shapely figure that I'm noticing myself. I guess that's kind of like a test I put guys through. I think it shows a guy has a little sense about women.

You would have every right to take the matter up with your husband. I might be tempted to say something snide like, "Gee, too bad you don't have her phone number." You got to be careful this doesn't backfire on you. Some guys might think it's fun to provoke you . . . to get a kick out of seeing you be jealous. So I'ld start by not letting him think I'm jealous, but by indicating that I think he is showing a great lack of class.

So to sum it up: Not abnormal to have an interest in looking, but very crude to do it in a way that let's you know he is doing it. You might also tell him that it makes him look pathetic to other people. Men are visual, but they should also be a little bit clever.

[Raindropvampire]

I've never been threatened by my guy watching porn or looking at pics. I like to look at that stuff too but it doesn't take away any of the feelings I have for my spouse. I don't compare him to what I see because it's not real and I know he's the same way. It's just a way to blow off steam.

I have a friend that feels that porn or masturbation is cheating. ANYTHING sexual that doesn't involve your significant other is cheating. I personally think that is insane but it's how she feels. Her husband put a porn block meant for kids on their computers to keep him from being tempted to look. He respects that it's important to her so he doesn't do it. Maybe you two could try something similar since it hurts you so much?

[Alone & confused]

I agree that you should talk to him about how you feel. Because if it is weakening the relationship on your part, he needs to know before you lose all feelings for him. I've had that happen to me before. It will give him a chance to correct this behavior (if he's not a swine like some of my ex's were) and strengthen your relationship. Men are often clueless to certain cues woman try to give the. We tend to get the "I can't read your mind" reaction when they finally realize there is a problem. My man is BLISSFULLY ignorant to my emotional needs! Even though I've tried countless ways to explain it to him! My feelings for him are hanging by a thread now because of his inability to comprehend. Try not to let it get that far if you can keep from it by making him understand. Good luck!

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

My wife says I can look at the menu as long as I eat at home.

[hvert]

I don't care about pictures or videos - he doesn't do it in front of me, and if he does, it's just to provoke me (in a humorous way). I do get annoyed if I catch him looking at people walking by when he's with me. I think that it's normal to do it, but it shouldn't be obvious.

Have you told your husband that you don't want him to do this in front of you or let you know he's doing it?

[Silent Void]

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. I know exactly how you feel. I hate porn. I also hate the women who make it possible. I don't wish to be judged in this thread for that, but I know I will be.

Stay strong.

Sorry to hear about how insensitive your husband can be at times. Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? If not, you should. Most men are visual, and they are wired differently than us in some ways. I'm no expert on men, but it's normal for most men, even the ones in committed relationships to look at attractive women.

My husband used to look at porn all the time. Especially when he was upset or mad at me. Eventually I stopped getting upset at him looking at porn. I even told him that it's OK if he subscribes to playboy or watch adult films after awhile. Well, soon after that, he stopped doing that as far as I know. When I see him looking at other women, I just laugh at him and call him a dirty old man when he's looking at a girl half his age!

Of course, you don't have to go that far. You can just ignore it and not get upset about it. I know that can hard to do at times, but it can be done. I have had a talk with my husband about how I'd appreciate it if he could not make it so obvious when he's checking out a woman in public. I told him that it's rude and that it makes him look kind of creepy at times, so now I rarely notice him checking out other women. Not that I mind that much, it's just rude to be so obvious about it.

Remember, just because a man looks at another woman, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love or desire you. Most men do look no matter who they're with or how attractive they are. If you change how you react to him the way that I did, then maybe he'll change some of his ways as well-

[Soul_Flower43]

Originally Posted by hvert

I don't care about pictures or videos - he doesn't do it in front of me, and if he does, it's just to provoke me (in a humorous way). I do get annoyed if I catch him looking at people walking by when he's with me. I think that it's normal to do it, but it shouldn't be obvious.

Have you told your husband that you don't want him to do this in front of you or let you know he's doing it?

Yes, we've talked about this earlier on in our relationship, and throughout. He has apologized for this behaviour earlier on, and we've talked about it a lot. The problem is, "ME." I am trying to get to a place where I don't feel insecure about any of this stuff that's out there. I know he loves me, and that is what's important. In the past, he made it obvious, but presently, he tries to hide it. I know he's not meaning to hurt my feelings. And we do talk about it. I know it's a healthy and normal behaviour for men to look etc., as well as women who want to do that too, but the real issue is "Me," because I'm having a hard time accepting it. I am working on accepting this side of my husband, and trying to look pass it all, and just love him. We are all not perfect, and can't please everyone we are in a relationship with, but the important thing is to be respectful and loving to the person you are sharing your life with. He does do this most of the time.

Today, I focused on having a good day, and being happy with him. Once my confidence level is up, this stuff probably won't bother me as much.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Soul_Flower43

, but it's this staring and the look on his face of desire for that sexy-seductive women he sees in magazines, or where ever, that bothers me the most.
.

Earlier on in our relationship, my husband had a bad habit of staring at women all the time when we were out together. I found it so rude! I get it, he finds them attractive, but taking the attention away from me and our time together, it made me feel he's not in to me, and in to them.

Originally Posted by Soul_Flower43

Yes, we've talked about this earlier on in our relationship, and throughout. He has apologized for this behaviour earlier on, and we've talked about it a lot. The problem is, "ME." I am trying to get to a place where I don't feel insecure about any of this stuff that's out there. I know he loves me, and that is what's important. In the past, he made it obvious, but presently, he tries to hide it. I know he's not meaning to hurt my feelings. And we do talk about it. I know it's a healthy and normal behaviour for men to look etc., as well as women who want to do that too, but the real issue is "Me," because I'm having a hard time accepting it. I am working on accepting this side of my husband, and trying to look pass it all, and just love him. We are all not perfect, and can't please everyone we are in a relationship with, but the important thing is to be respectful and loving to the person you are sharing your life with. He does do this most of the time.

Today, I focused on having a good day, and being happy with him. Once my confidence level is up, this stuff probably won't bother me as much.

Apologies are nice and all. As I read your post, I get the feeling there's a fine line, going on. To sum it up, TACT.

I'm with Rose about the 'pass the test.' I've seen in other relationships how you describe. I find their men, near sophomoric. If he could develop tact, whilst you work on confidence, then perhaps there's hope.

[Soul_Flower43]

This thread is now closed. I will not be responding to it any longer.