Trying to understand the mindset of someone with BPD

Hi there,

I'm sorry if this post is naive/ignorant of me, but I've recently come out of a break-up with someone who I believe exhibits many of the characteristics of someone with BPD and I'm just trying to understand more about it.

It has been a couple of weeks now since the break-up and I've been moving through the phases of anger, sadness, guilt/failure, etc. etc. but slowly starting to come through it all and think more clearly about what I want moving forward, and slowly realising that I gave it my all and its not my fault.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my ex and what goes through her mind. I've tried to do a lot of research to understand how she suffers but it is so hard for me to come to grips with as I've obviously never been there myself.

To me this woman is so beautiful and has so much potential, is funny, charismatic, intelligent, yet she seems to have suffered through so much turmoil in her life, which ultimately results in turmoil for the people closest to her. I tried to be a stabilizing factor in her life...tried to give her everything I could, yet she couldn't see that if she just accepted how much I loved her that I would always be there for her... her fear of rejection or pain from within just seemed to override everything.

I keep thinking silly things like one day she will wake up and look in the mirror and just realise how beautiful she is and how many people in her life have really tried to love her and be there for her...and finally decide to just turn things around, but I don't know if this will ever happen.

Can somebody who has had experience with BPD please just comment on this? Maybe its a really silly post, but I wish I could understand how someone rejects this kind of love, how somebody just cannot see things for what they are... how can somebody so beautiful, with so much going for them suffer from such low self esteem, even when there are people so close to them that want to love them so badly?!

Thanks.

I'm only recently diagnosed as BPD.

From what I've been told I'll need DBT. Don't see much changing in my life til then.

Not even my husband who sees great potential in me and things I don't see or believe can change me and my perception for years.

Something I recently realized about myself having just come out of an abusive relationship.

He abused me and yet it's the safest I've ever felt. Why? Pain equals love. That's what I've been taught. So, conversely, feeling secure is scary. I'm not used to it. I don't deserve it.

I'm just a bad person who doesn't deserve to be treated right, so anyone being nice is clearly not to be trusted.

Simply, if you're not putting me down you don't love me. If you're nice it's only because you are hiding your true intentions or because you haven't figured out what a terrible person I am yet.

Picture this....

You grow up with abuse and turmoil. The message that you CONSTANTLY receive is that you are ugly, worthless, and will never be good enough. You don't get over this easily. Its not like you wake up one day and suddenly think "I am the ****!"

I am not BPD myself, but I have been through a lot of abuse. I get sick of people telling me its MY fault for having such low self esteem, for thinking bad thoughts about myself, etc. Uhm, no, its not. That would be a re-victimization. Yes, I am responsible for working on my healing (which I am), but no, I am not responsible for the results of the abuse.

I think this is something you just have to accept for what it is. You didn't grow up with abuse or deal with abuse in your life, so its impossible for you to know how abuse wears away at your self perception until you really do believe that you are a wretched person.

People tell me the same things, I am a beautiful, wonderful person, but I don't ever believe them. Its impossible to change my self perception when I have been told I am nobody my entire life. It just doesn't happen like that.

Hi ChipperMonkey,

Thanks for the post, I really appreciate it. I completely understand what you are saying and I can see how the low self esteem, bad thoughts etc. stem from the abuse... I don't for one second blame the abused for having these feelings or thoughts.

The aim behind my post was more to just have a better understanding into the thought process that goes on with people who have suffered this abuse. Like I said, I've just come out of a relationship with someone I believe has many BPD characteristics... in a lot of ways I feel like I have failed the relationship because I couldn't get through to her or help turn things around, no matter how much love I showed, it just wasn't enough.

Perhaps this is a bit harsh of me to say...but whilst I don't blame abused people for having these feelings, I do place blame on them for projecting the hurt/pain/confusion onto innocent others who have only just tried to be there to love and support them. A lot of people with abusive backgrounds recognize the problem and consciously make an effort to turn things around and better themselves, whereas others remain in denial, project and don't accept responsibility for their actions & behavior; I believe my ex falls into the latter group, and as a result I'm left devastated and picking up the pieces. It hurts like f**k at the moment, but the saddest part is knowing she will live with a much larger, longer term pain than I ever will...and as a result I pray every day for her that things will get better.